Well, well. Somebody C&C'd this on FFML. Fitting, as it's my
only cannon story so far. 

On Sun, Sep 22, 2002 at 06:01:54PM -0600, Slacker wrote:

Right.  I went through this in two passes.  First was initial impressions, 
second was follow-up.  The second pass is denoted with parenthesis.

(Just like this, see?)

(Gotcha.)

Thump.

That was the most forceful one yet, hitting the door a couple of
feet up before falling, spent, to the floor, surrounded by its
predecessors. He reached over and picked it up, and eyed it
critically. It was his last one, and it was getting a bit soggy

>from use. It was probably only good for one more shot.

Okay so far.  A bit curious, no bad feelings yet.

Interesting foreshadowing, there, for a first-pass comment.

Ranma set things up again, then, taking careful aim, used the
trigger.

Thump.

Okay, generic Ranma training session thingy going on.....

(On a serious note, I'd suggest different wording here.  Perhaps "...aim, 
tried again."?)

I'll change it to "...aim, fired again".

This one hit the door maybe four feet up, but it left a mark.
That would have to do for this session, then. At least he
finished things.

(Left a mark....  Oh, for the hatred of humanity....)

Well, the story, by its nature, IS a period-piece...

He gathered up the spent rounds, even that first wide shot
sticking partway through a paper partition, and put them all
back in the bag he'd carried them home in, then dealt with
covering things up. When he turned to pick up the cups of hot
and cold water, he noticed that the empty tampon box was still
there on the floor next to where he'd been on hands and knees.

And....right about three seconds after I finished this paragraph....  It 
hit me.  Twitching ensued.  Once I could stagger to the bathroom, I 
promptly bleached my brain and clawed at my eyes while sobbing.

Are you sure you're not overdramatizing this _just_ a little? 

Oops, he thought, as he stuffed the box into the bag as well. It
wouldn't have done to leave _that_ out in the open for someone
to find. Someone like, say, Nabiki, who would find a way to turn
it into blackmail, or Akane, who would get upset for no good
reason. These people just didn't understand that, to Ranma
Saotome, _everything_ was practice.

Training, _that's_ the word I was looking for. Training.

You know, the really creepy thing is....  I can't argue with the logic 
here.  I wish I could.  Oh, how I wish I could.

When he finishes developing it, he can add it to the
Anything-Goes repertoire.

-------------------------------------------------------------

This is a spamfic. If you really want to C&C it, bring it on.
ffml@anifics.com, siaru@stormbringer.org

Well, I brought it on.  Thanks for a well-written (if truly disturbing) 
spamfic.  ^^

Here's hoping to see more from you soon.  (Just...please try not to make me 
whimper next time?)

Well, I do have some other stuff, in the works for a year or
more, but there's this funny thing... Somebody I trust told me
to write longer stories. Did you know that longer stuff takes
longer to plan as well as to write? And then the revisions, from
when better writers than me get ahold of 'em...

And... (thinking over just what's in the pipeline) ...nope, I
can't promise not to make you whimper, either. Sorry.
 

Ja Ne!
Slacker

Thanks for taking the time to C&C this. Hope your therapy is
going well.

siaru

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