Allyn Yonge <allynyonge0000@netscape.net> wrote:
"Hi Kimiko, what's up?" Nabiki greeted her friend
"Hi, Kimiko,
(Nabsy is using "Kimiko" as an address -- to identify who she is
speaking to. Always separate an address from anything else in the
sentence by a comma, or you'll completely change the meaning.)
"It's the end of the world!" Kimiko wailed, as
KIMIKO: o/~ ...and I feel fine.
Ranma watched in amazement. He'd never actually seen
anyone wring their hands.
anyone wring her hands.
(or)
people wring their hands.
("anyone" refers to one single, arbitrary person)
"Oh no," Nabiki said sympathetically, putting an arm
around her. "Kappa in the swimming pool again? Or is
NABIKI: Darn those frat boys... they always leave a bathtub ring.
Kimiko was convinced that the world was _swarming_
with supernatural creatures, and that only her constant vigilance kept
them all from being swept to hell. Or worse. (Thought Nabiki wasn't sure
Well, in the Ranmaverse, she's at least right on the first count. :)
Nabiki put up with her idiosyncracies because
she'd known her since grade school and had a genuine
fondness for the little ditz. And it didn't hurt that she had a
mind that could crunch numbers like a Cray super-
computer.
These days, isn't that about as good as a typical PC?
"This is her brother," Nabiki answered absently.
"Where is he?" she directed the question to her friend, who
he?" She directed the question to
(or)
he?" she directed to
"Ahhh . . ." Nabiki cursed under her breath.
"Comein' through----get out of the way---"she grunted,
"Comin'
(contracted form of "coming")
also need a space before "she"
Nabiki squeaked as Ranma scooped her into his
arms. He hesitated for a moment, scanning the schoolyard.
With a short running jump, Ranma hit the top of a blue
recycling-bin, full of plastic bottles, and jumped again. The
recycling bin,
Ranma looked closely at the cluster of male
students. Instead of the normal Fuurinkan military style
tunic and pants of dark blue, they were all uniformly clad in
black Armani suits with thin white pinstripes, broad
shoulder pads and extremely narrow lapels. Each wore an
armband with the kanji Seiki-Juka, "Common-Sense".
"common sense."
RANMA: Oh no! It's the Thomas Paine gang!
NABIKI: Paine?
RANMA: Yeah, they sure are. And you know where.
"What're they supposed to be? Yakuza?" Ranma
recognized the greasy arrogance covered in a thin layer of
culture and expensive clothes. Chinese Triad, Thai sex-
slavers or Indian Thugee, they were all the same.
slavers, or
"Worse," Nabiki's mouth thinned, "Fuurinkan's very
"Worse." Nabiki's mouth thinned.
I may have been wrong about Furinkan not getting the doubled u. I've
seen it both ways in translated scripts on the web, and some people have
told me it's in the original series with a long vowel sound.
own junior version of Sokiaya." she explained, comparing
She
I'm guessing this is where the prereader said "make the same punctuation
corrections throughout the rest of the fic." :-D
Anyway, quick review on quoted dialog punctuation. You have to
distinguish between two cases:
A) When the narration mixed in explicitly tells you that the character
said the line.
"Bite me, you jerk," he spat.
In this case, the dialog sentence doesn't end with a period, and the
narration doesn't begin a new sentence (note the lack of capital on
'he').
Note that you may or may not need to start a new sentence when you go
back to quoted dialog, depending on whether the dialog sentence itself
breaks there. For example:
"Bite me, you jerk," he spat, "and bite me again."
"Bite me, you jerk," he spat. "Who are you, anyway?"
The way to tell the difference here is to write the dialog by itself
without the narration:
"Bite me, you jerk, and bite me again."
"Bite me, you jerk. Who are you, anyway?"
Since "Who" begins a sentence here, it must do so above as well.
B) When it doesn't.
"I've got a bad taste in my mouth." He spat.
Here the sentence ends and a new one begins every time you go from
quoted to not quoted or vice-versa.
One rule of thumb to tell the difference is with A), you can always
replace the verb by "said" and the meaning will be roughly the same,
whereas this is generally not true with B). Or you can try removing the
dialog and looking at the narrative part by itself. If A), the result
probably won't make much sense, or at least will say something different
than intended, whereas in B) the narration can stand on its own without
any major change in meaning.
In practice, this difference usually isn't too hard to figure out once
you get used to it, but there are a few tricky cases:
"You're wrong. The Earth *is* flat." Father had said so. It couldn't be
a lie.
This is actually a case of B). Even though the verb *is* "said", it
isn't telling you that *this* line of dialog was said -- rather that
someone else had said the same thing in the past.
[Feel free to clip and save the above. I probably will. :)]
"What do they do? Beat up kids for their lunch
money?" A good con depended on skill, timing and the
timing, and the
greed of the mark. As far as Ranma was concerned, anyone
concerned, those
(or)
concerned, people
(need to refer to more than one here, since you refer to this as "they"
later in the sentence)
stupid and greedy enough to fall for a con, deserved what
con deserved
they got . . .or, rather what they lost and _he_ got. But beating
Suggest something like:
or, rather, _he_ deserved what they lost and _he_ got.
As written, the switch in what "deserved" refers to is awkward -- first
it's an implied punishment, then it's an implied reward, and the latter
usage ought to indicate that *Ranma* deserves the reward.
"Huh?" Ranma glanced at Nabiki, keeping most of
his attention on the gathering Sokiaya and what appeared to
be a tiny force of teachers who stood opposite them. Even
at this distance Ranma could almost smell the flop-sweat on
the seven adults. Four-to-one (almost five, now)odds were a
now) odds
(missing space)
little stiff for untrained and out-of-shape teachers. "Why'd a
bunch of operators like that care about salutin' th' flag or
singin' th' anthem?"
"There's a _lot_ of money in textbooks," Nabiki was
textbooks." Nabiki
RANMA: Yeah. I always stash a few hundred yen in the inside front cover
myself.
watching the tough's gather, grim-faced. She'd been hoping
toughs
(use apostrophes only for contractions ("Tough's the word for 'em, all
right") or possessives ("Fortunately, I have the head tough's address.")
"Our old principal refused o follow the Ministry of Education order to
o -> to
fly the flag and play the anthem. So they fired him and brought in a new
principal, a real nationalistic ass-hole. So then the teachers
asshole.
teachers'
(union belongs to multiple teachers)
PRINCIPAL: Ey! I resemble dat remahk, wahine!
union dumped all over him, the teachers went on strike and
the students held their _own_ opening ceremony at the start
of the year. Principal Kunou----yeah, _same_ family," she
answered Ranma's unspoken question, "was left singing the
anthem by himself, except for about four of his staff,
because everyone else went to the _student_ run opening
_student_-run
Someone stole the flag-pole too. And his flag."
"Someone
(Don't use a closing quote when someone continues speaking through
consecutive paragraphs, but do use an opening quote.)
Nabiki grinned, a nasty, feral sort of grin, at the memory.
"So principal Kunou organized an 'All Japan Youth Club'
to help students and teachers, get into the correct frame of
teachers get
(spurious comma)
A groan went up from the crowd behind them and
Nabiki jerked her attention to the two groups at the bottom
of the slight rise. One of the teachers was down and two
others were trying to help her up. The Sokiaya formed a
semi-circle around the teachers and were pushing them
back, taunting them . . .and the teachers were giving
ground. Another went down, a man this time, and a foot
shod in thirty-thousand Yen Armani shoes drew back to
Yen probably shouldn't be capitalized here, and I think it ought to be
part of the hyphenated phrase as well: thirty-thousand-yen
"The Television Station, and the news-papers. The
television station
(don't capitalize. since it isn't the name of a specific station)
newspapers.
*Great. Just great* Ranma followed, much more
great.*
easily, wondering what else could go wrong. Rule three of
The Road, *don't stick your nose into other peoples
Rule three of the road, *Don't
(or)
Rule Three of the Road, *Don't
people's
(possessive form, meaning "belonging to people")
business----because you'll get it bitten off"* And there was
off.*
The gang-members themselves didn't worry him.
But gangs like this _always_ had connections with the local cops.
Sometimes even higher up. And you couldn't win against cops. They
were the _biggest_ street gang in the world. They all had
GENMA: Not true. The military is even bigger.
RANMA: Okay, second biggest. Like that makes any difference.
Lots of information in this scene that ultimately didn't seem to matter,
seeing that Akane just ended up overpowering the troublemakers. Is all
of their background going to matter later in the series? The information
is not uninteresting, but IMO really belongs in a story where it has a
greater relevance to the plot.
I do think you did a very good job of providing in-context definitions
for all the Japanese terms, BTW.
And it wouldn't take long for word to get around
about a really good martial artist with a pig-tail, wearing a
red Chinese-style shirt. Maybe it was time to think about a
hair-cut.
haircut.
PRINCIPAL: I be helpin' you wit' dat one!
"Matsushita-sensei," Akane stopped in front of an
"Matsushita-sensei."
A sallow, ferret faced youth stepped in front of
ferret-faced
"I'd like to see you after class if I could, Saito-
sensei," Akane turned her head to speak to a passing
sensei." Akane
teacher. "I'm having some problems with quadratic
equations."
RANMA: The solutions are the negative of the linear term, plus or minus
the square root of the linear term squared minus the product of four
times the quadratic term and the constant term, all divided by twice the
quadratic term.
AKANE: Oh. Oh yeah.
RANMA: Like, duhhhhhh.
Oh . . .yes, of course," the young woman said
Need an opening quote mark before "Oh".
"Thank you, sensei," Akane bowed politely,
sensei."
. . .but 'ferret face' had already shoved the small
silver cylinder in Akane's face and pressed the button. His
mouth opened in a shout of triumph as she took a face-full
of Capsicum----and snapped shut when she didn't go down.
Instead she blinked rapidly to clear her tearing eyes and
plucked the pepper spray from his slack hand. Examining
the label Akane glanced back at the suddenly pale-faced
'ferret'. Opening her mouth she squirted a stream into her
mouth, as if it were breath-spray. Shuddering from the
endorphin kick Akane grinned at the boy, something dark
kick, Akane
Ranma swallowed a small lump as he watched the
Sokiaya closest to Akane backed away, resisting an urge to
back away,
do the same. He'd seen similar feats, performed by Zen
feats performed
"You don't mind if I keep this, do you?" Akane
asked the unconscious boy, "It's really good with beef-
boy.
"So, Tendou Akane," a boy, taller than the others
Akane." A
and handsome almost to the point of prettiness, stepped to
the fore. "once again you interfere in matters which are
"Once
"Konou-senpai," Akane smiled warmly at the
"Kunou-senpai."
(I think you mean)
newcomer, her face softening as the sight of her child-hood
childhood
"I don't have time for childish things," Kunou stood
things."
negligently in front of Akane, one hand thrust in his coat
pocket.
AKANE: Then why is your hand on Mister Ducky Training Potty?
"Why don't you do it?" Konou looked bored, but
Kunou
"I'm pretty good," Akane admitted, "but I don't
have the love for it that you do. It's just another weapon to
me, but the sword is a _part_ of you." Ranma felt Konou
Kunou
preen under Akane's praise and he wondered if they had
something going. He was surprised by a sudden surge of
emotion and repressed it ruthlessly. Anger or . . .or . . .any
emotion was death to a con.
HIROSHI: Except at the fanfic panel, of course.
DAISUKE: And if you see a particularly well-stacked cosplayer.
RANMA: I don't think you're in this fic, guys.
"I have no time," despite his cold tone, there was a
time." Despite
hint of wistfulness in Kuno's eyes, that vanished almost as
eyes that
soon as it came. "The unity and purity of this school, and
the nation are more important than a game."
school and the nation are
(or)
school, and the nation, are
(you can use commas to offset a parenthetical phrase, but do it the same
at beginning and ending)
"Are you captain of the kendou club, now?"
"No, still captain of the swimming club," Akane
CANON AKANE: I'm president of the drowning club. But we keep losing
members.
answered over her shoulder. "I fill in when the Kenou club
needs help, but no one could replace you," She grinned
you."
impishly. "for one thing, I don't have a cool nick-name like
"For
Konou's mouth opened for a retort, then snapped
Kunou's
shut. Flushing slightly, he decided to cut his losses. Turning
on his heel he made a quick motion and the rest followed, a
heel, he
"Who . . .him?" She nodded in Konou's direction.
Kunou's
"He might have thought so, but Akane was only interested
in him for his . . .sword." She was delighted to see Ranma's
cheeks flush slightly at her double entendre. "He could
easily out-point her in straight kendou and European
Fencing," Nabiki decided to let him off the hook, "but
Fencing." Nabiki decided to let him off the hook. "But
(or)
Fencing," Nabiki said, deciding to let him off the hook, "but
"He doesn't know how lucky he is," Ranma
muttered, "did'ja see the way she _ate_ that pepper spray?"
muttered. "Did'ja
(if you wrote the dialog by itself, without the insertion, you'd still
need a new sentence there)
Ranma didn't seem to hear her. "You'd have to be
crazy to be interested in a psycho chick like that." He
that," he
"Ahhhh Maaaan!" Ranma looked around in disgust
"Ahhhh, maaaan!"
"Uhhhhh!" Shaking his head he dusted himself off,
looking up at the window two stories above. He rotated at
the hips, wincing as his back complained. He _might_ have
overdone it just a little. He'd just go around to the front and
ask someone. Or maybe he'd just head back to the Tendou's
Tendous'
"Oh no!" A short, moon-faced girl, wearing a work
apron over her Fuurinkan uniform stuck her head out a
Either take out the comma after "girl" above, or add another one after
"uniform" in this line.
"It's not my fault, Miyuki," Ayumi protested, "well,
protested. "Well,
"This girl Ranma----that's a funny name for a girl,"
MIYUKI: As opposed to what? Boy Ranma?
RANMA: Yes, actually.
(You need a comma after the first "girl", as "Ranma" is identifying the
girl.)
Ayumi chattered nonstop, "Ranma got in the way when I
threw out the waste-water----not that I mean that you're in
the way, way----" she glanced worriedly at Ranma for a
She
second, "and she got splashed and I had to bring her-----but
second. "And
"Hello," the tall girl turned to Ranma when Ayumi's
"Hello." The
recitation was finished. "I am Nakajima Miyuki class three,
RANMA: As opposed to all the Nakajima Miyuki class twos running around?
(Again, need a comma after her name, since what follows is an
explanation or identification of that which her name refers to, i.e.
her. :))
home-room four. And this chatter-box," Ayumi stuck her
tongue out, "is Somekawa Ayumi, also class three, home-
Again, you either need to make the inserted action part of a "said"
clause, or an independent sentence.
"An' some of it's even true." Ayumi pipped up.
true," Ayumi
"Hey gang, come look what Ayumi caught. One of
"Hey, gang,
"Our illustrious leader, Principal Kunou," boos and
Again, "said" verb, or separate sentence.
jeers greeted that pronouncement. "banished us and our
paper to the dungeons," Miyuki explained, waving a hand at
the pipes and conduits that laced the utility corridor, "so
we're trying to clean out the trash and dirt so we can set up
our equipment."
"I miss my darkroom." One of the newcomers
darkroom," one
"Youko!" Another voice chided, "that's a terrible
another
thing to say."
"But true," Youko pulled something wet and sticky
true." Youko
>from Ranma's hair with a grimace of distaste. "You are
_such_ a klutz," she directed this comment at Ayumi.
klutz," she directed at
(or)
klutz." She directed this comment at
This stuff with the newspaper staff really dragged, IMO.
What's more, if it's there to provide an explanation for why Ranma shows
up for class as a female, I don't think it really worked. He's supposed
to be a con man, no? Doesn't seem plausible that he couldn't come up
with some sort of excuse to get away long enough to change. Maybe you
can establish another reason, like him wanting to hide from Ukyo.
"She stinks." Youko seconded.
stinks," Youko
"Your boyfriend's?" a girl grinned, dangling soggy
A girl
"NO!" Ranma flushed angrily, "I ain't like that!"
angrily. "I
"Quit teasing, Emi," Ranma was shoved, naked ,into
Emi." Ranma
naked, into (spacing)
a room filled with boxes and bottles of chemicals. "Don't
mind that stuff. Showers at the end of the room." Another
shower's (contraction of "shower is")
(or)
showers're
"Nuthin'." Onna-Ranma replied a bit sullenly, pulling
"Nuthin'," onna-Ranma replied
(or)
"Nuthin'," female Ranma replied
"Oh . . .I see," Ayumi said cheerfully. "Here," she
"Here." She
pulled a plastic tube from her pocket. "Snoopy Glue."
Ranma stared at her blankly.
RANMA: Snoopy's a dog. I'm the one with the girl curse. You wanna give
this to....
AYUMI: Stop right there. We'll have none of *those* references slipping
in.
Ranma was still trying to think of a way to ditch
them so he could get back to the Tendou's and
Tendous'
"Kuonji! Kuonji Ukyou?" The assistant principle
principal
"I'm Kuonju Ukyuo," came the answer in a
Kuonji Ukyou,"
Onna-Ranma's head snapped around so fast he
almost gave himself whiplash, to see a slender bishounen
Either remove the comma after "whiplash" or add another one after
"around" in the line above.
boy, with a pony-tail half way down his back, rise from his
halfway
"I got splashed by cold water Pop . . .an' I'm
water, Pop
(unless he means someone spilled club soda on him)
"Ahhh . . .well, that's fine," Genma's hand tightened
fine."
"She don't know Pop. No one knows, and that's
know, Pop.
(unless he means that she doesn't know Genma, which she obviously does)
"Well . . .that's fine then,"Genma wiped his head
then." Genma
"Son," Genma barked, seeing all his plans (and all
that lovely money) slip away. "That's no way to talk
about----" he recalled where he was and went on in a lower
He realized
tone. "it can't be _that_ bad."
"It
"By the way Pop . . .do you remember a guy named
way, Pop
Souun watched in concern as all the blood seemed
to drain from his friends body.
friend's
"Well," Ranma continued, "his son Ukyou just
registered at Fuurinkan and-----Pop? Pop, are ya listenin'?"
"Genma, my friend?" Souun bent over Genma's
unconscious form. "Are you alright?"
IMO, the fainting thing is too cliche to be all that funny, and makes me
wonder how Genma survived all these years if he falls to pieces in the
face of opposition. Maybe you could do something else with this bit
instead.
SOUN: Is everything all right, Genma? You look a little pale.
GENMA: Pardon? My name is Smith, sir. You obviously have me confused
with some other unknown person.
SOUN: Oh, brother.
Onna-Ranma waited outside _her_ home room,
trying not to fidget as he waited for Yumi-sensei to call for
him. This wasn't any harder than the time they'd pulled a
variation of the "Russian Duke Con" on an Afghani warlord,
RANMA: Invented by the well-known actor John Waynesky.
involving some counterfeit travelers checks, some _real_
gold bullion and a few hundred non-existent Stinger-
missiles.
Stinger missiles.
"We have another transfer student," Yumi Junko
said, going to the door. "and I would like a big Fuurinkan
"And
Onna-Ranma pasted a shy smile on _her_ face,
trying mentally to get and _stay_ in character. "Hello. My
name is Saotome Ranma." She could see Akane stiffen at
the name and hurried a bit with the story she'd come up
with. "My father wanted a boy, but as you can see . . ." she
She
"My hobbies are singing, swimming and reading
swimming, and
manga." Another short burst of laughter. "I have a cousin,
also Saotome Ranma, who may be attending Fuurinkan
High School. He is the boy my father wanted," a few more
wanted." A
chuckles and Ranma knew he was on a roll, "Ranma is a martial
roll.
Some looks of sympathy, even from Akane, (who
had a pretty good idea that Genma's illness was poured
>from a sake bottle) and she knew that she'd "sold" them.
Another successful con. "So you don't confuse me with a
boy," much laughter at this, especially from the boys in
class, "you can call me Ranko. I hope we will all be good
Again, "much laughter... class" can't be punctuated as part of the same
sentence unless you use a "said" or equivalent attribution.
"Kuonji-kun,"Yumi-sensei ordered. "Take your seat
"Kuonji-kun," Yumi-sensei
"Be quiet." Ukyou grated. "This is none of your
quiet," Ukyou
Ignoring this horrific threat Ukyou turned his
attention back to Ranko. "I'm gonna pound you until you
tell me where to find 'Gen-ma'," he turned the name into a
curse. "Then I'm gonnaa pound you until you tell me where
to find his son 'Ran-ma'," his fist twisted in onna-Ranma's
'Ran-ma'." His
"Hi, my name's Akane," Ukyou's forward moving
Akane."
May want to reword somehow to get rid of the passive voice.
fist was caught----and held! "do you want to be friends?"
"Do
"Do you want to be . . .friends?" With a slight grunt
of effort, Akane snagged his other hand.
UKYO: Which part of "no" did you not understand?
"Do you want to be----," Akane tightened her grip.
be----"
"friends?"
"Friends?"
"I . . .I'll never give . . .up," Ukyou panted, pain
shooting up his arms, like bolts of fire. "Sao . . .tome . . .
blood feud . . ." Black dots danced in front of his eyes and
The semi-omniscient POV makes it a bit problematic to refer to Ukyo as
"he". It may be better to write this scene from only Ranma and/or
Akane's POV (which would exclude, e.g., the description of the pain
above).
"Never . . .give up . . .stole . . .from us. Ge . . .
Genma. Ranma. I'll . . ."
UKYO: Must... do... cheesy... Shatner... impersonation!
"I only asked if you wanted to be friends." Akane
friends," Akane
"W . . .what . . .what about Saotome?," Ukyou
Saotome?"
" I've got to tell you right now----they're both
"I've
guests. So _no_ fighting at our house. Or at school, either."
She watched Ukyou massage feeling back into his hands.
"And, one more thing, Ranma is my iinazuke," there were
is my fiance." There
stunned gasps from the room, not the smallest from onna-
Ranma, "so . . .unless my father agrees your grievance is
Ranma. "So
"I . . .iinazuke!" To say Ukyou was stunned was an
You misspelled "fiance" again here.
"It's an arranged thing," Akane dismissed, "but my
father takes it very seriously. And . . .and I have to as well.
Honor and family are the heart of or our ryuu,"a hint of
of our ryuu." A hint
steel entered her voice. "So . . .as long as the engagement
holds, a fight with Saotome is a fight with Tendou.
"What about Genma?"
AKANE: Yes, it's a fight with him too.
Akane grimaced. "I . . .I . . .he _is_ a Saotome, and
he's a guest . . ." her voice trailed off unhappily. "so they
Her
"So they
both are under our protection. Unless you can find a reason
for father to decide otherwise."
Father
"Oh I think I can find _a_ reason. I think I can find
_lots_ of reasons." Ukyou replied grimly.
reasons,"
"Pop! Dammit Pop, get up!" Onna-Ranma hissed,
Dammit, Pop,
"Boy," Genma's hoarse whisper came from behind
and above him. "are you alone?"
"Are
"Akane and Ukyou . . .Kounji Ukyou," Ranma
Kuonji Ukyou." Ranma
grimaced as Genma squeaked in fright, "are gonna be right
fright. "They're gonna
behind me."
"You've got to protect me son," Genma wailed.
RANMA: I *am* your son, you Cockney cock-up.
me, son,"
"Geeez Pop, get a grip. An' what do you expect
"Geez, Pop,
"He's not after _me_" Onna-Ranma replied, pointing
_me_,"
a dainty and newly tinted thumb at her chest, "he's after
chest. "He's
"I . . .I'm sorry boy, I didn't mean it." But they both
sorry, boy.
"It's alright, Pop." Ranma sighed, knowing Genma
>from long experience. "What th' heck did you _do_ to
Kuonji, anyway? I remember the name, but it's been . . ."
he thought a moment. "eight, ten years? But Ukyou acts like
"Eight,
"I've got a better chance of knowing what to do, if I
know what you _did_," Ranma explained patiently, knowing
it wouldn't do any good. He never knew what his father had
done, until well after the fact, and sometimes he never
RANMA: Then again, isn't it well after the fact *now?*
"That's my good boy." He jumped down from his
hiding place and hugged his transformed son. Onna-Ranma
resisted briefly, then returned the hug, pretending for a
moment that his father would love him, even if he didn't
have a plan.
IMO, too deep and sensitive a comment for Ranma, *especially* this
version. And this Genma desperately needs to show some sort of redeeming
quality. The canon version is certainly a long, long way from perfect,
but at least I can see why Ranma is loyal to him.
I'll have to hold off on commenting on the Ukyo introduction until I see
how it develops. On to the next section....
Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html
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