Yep, I'm at it again. Just a little shortfic meant to amuse

Failed Experiments in Magical Girl Creations

A twisted little spamfic written to kill time.

Sailor Pluto: I'm not sure I appreciate that. DEAD SCREAM!

Kasumi Tendou entered the backyard, empty clothes basket tucked firmly

under

her arm. She hummed a pleasant tune meant only for her own ears. It was

rare

that she had the home to herself. Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki were at school,
and her father and Mr. Saotome had to attend some meeting with a local
neighborhood group. Since the members of the group always went out

drinking

after a meeting, that left Kasumi plenty of time to do chores without

anyone

getting in the way.

Especially since Akane tended to zone off everytime she heard the Hymn to
Hastur.

Kasumi reached the clothesline and noted several of the clothespins held
nothing. "Oh dear, Happosai seems to have stolen all of the women's
underwear again." It made collecting and folding the clothing easier,

since

there was less of it, but there were always complications. Like if she had
to go out and it rained and she hadn't brought along an umbrella. Everyone
tended to stare, although she always got the best prices from the male
vendors when haggling over wares. It was probably because they felt sorry
for her since she had no undergarments to wear. It was nice to know people
could be so sympathetic.

And after that those vendors all went to the shrines to pray for
forgiveness. Thinking of your mother like that is very, very bad.

Still, a slight pout marred her usually placid features. "I do wish he'd
stop taking our underwear, though."

The clouds parted and a glowing ball of white light descended from the
heavens. It shone like a star as it raced through the sky, heading

straight

for the Tendou backyard. Kasumi merely stood there as the ball stopped

less

than a meter from her head.

 And then the light went off and the furry sidekick falls flat on his face.

The light dimmed, revealing a white sphere with a perfectly mirrored
surface. It hovered there for a handful of moments, then with a sudden

*pop*

disappeared, revealing a small creature that closely resembled a teddy

bear.

Well, it would have resembled a teddy bear, save for the unruly tangle of
tawny hair that hung from its head all the way to its barbed tail. And the
segmented armor hide. And the elongated claws that looked like they could
shear through steel. And the large, salivating maw with disportionately

huge

fangs. Actually it didn't look much like a teddy bear at all, except the
fact it was an animal of some kind and it was the right size for one.

Plus the little tag off its foot that read "My Little Pony".

The creature gave off a loud, "Brackgaugh!"

"Bless you," Kasumi said.

"Actually that's my name," it clarified.

"Its was supposed to be "Macgregor" but Dad was horrible at spelling."

"I see." Kasumi said, "If you're looking for Ranma, he's not here. He's at
school. I can give you directions to it if you'd like." Kasumi always

tried

to help when Ranma's friends dropped by looking for him.

Saliva dripped from the creature's mouth as it snarled out, "You are the

one

I am seeking."

You would make the most tasty cordon bleu.

"Me?" Kasumi asked. That was a surprise. No one came to see her, except

for

door-to-door salesmen.

And the occassional psychotic Ryo Muhoshin. And that nice silly doctor. And
that fine young man who everyone kept calling "Prince Harry" although she
was sure the Emperor's children were all very young and Japanese.

"Yes." The creatures claws made a 'snickity-snick' sound as the clacked
together. "I have heard your request and have come to grant you the

ability

to make your wishes come true."

Kasumi smiled beatifically. "That's very nice of you to offer. How is it

you

intend to do that, though?"

Hold out your hand and repeat after me, "In brightest day, in darkest
night........"

"By bestowing upon you magical powers far beyond those of your ilk."

"You mean make me a magical girl?"

"You got it."

"I'm not going to become one of the Venus Five am I?"

"Hell no, I wouldn't touch those losers with a seven foot pole. Well, maybe
if they asked really nicely........."

"Why me?" Kasumi asked. "Is it because I am the reincarnation of great and
mighty queen from the past and I -as well as my also reincarnated

comrades-

are destined to bring a reign of peace to Earth the likes of which have
never been seen?"

"Now you're being just plain silly."

"Sorry, I read it in a newspaper once."

Kasumi bowed. "Sorry about that. That happened to a friend of mine back in
Junior High. I just assumed it was a standard thing for all magical girls.
But aren't magical girls usually a bit younger than me?"

"Bah! Younger girls would not be able to use the powers I will give you
either wisely or effectively. You have been chosen because you have the
highest potential to accept the power and use it to the greatest of
abilities. There is also the fact that your yard was directly below the
entry portal to this realm and you're the first person I saw. I heard your
wish about seeking power to make right the world, so I have come forth to
give the ability to do so unto you."

That phrasing sounds almost......Biblical.

'That's very kind of you."

Brackgaugh shrugged. "What can I say? It's my job."

"Pays peanuts but the fringe benefits rock my world. Sometimes literally."

Kasumi, now more excited than any time in recent memory, save for the
liquidation sale on rice Mr. Ootoki had last week, said, "Will I get a
magical locket that can change me into a fuku-clad heroine justice? And

will

it have heart shaped attacks that I can use by shouting out 'Pretty Love
Chain Melody'?"

"Even better!" Brackgaugh laughed hard, then summoned a small mirrored

ball

of energy in his hands. He let it float up in front of Kasumi's eyes.

"Grab

onto it and receive the power you so richly deserve."

What, no henshin phrase? That's a slight against tradition! :P

Kasumi did so and a glow consumed her body. The ball changed its form as

she

grasped it. It had the touch of cold metal, and it formed a hilt for her

to

grab onto. One side of to it became elongated, becoming more slender as it
grew to nearly a meter in length. Jagged projections lined one side of the
instrument, while the other maintained a keen razor-sharp edge.

Kasumi felt her body changing. She became several centimeters taller, and
felt her mass increase tremendously. Her body become larger, all of the
additional mass it well-defined muscle backed by even more strength than
even they should have given her. Her hair grew and became a thick tawny
mess, like Brackgaugh's was. And her bust grew to very impressive
proportions.

"Why am I wearing a chainmail bikini?"

"This is a Western production, comes with the territory Toots."

The changes were not restricted to her body. Kasumi could feel her outfit
changing as well. Whereas before it was a simple, if plain, dress, it
changed. She could feel the material transmute from normal cotton to a

sort

of smooth mix of vinyl and leather. Metal bracers and leg guards formed,
hosting a number of sharpened spikes along their surfaces. The material

also

retreated from sections of her body. The largest openings started below

the

metal collar she now found around her neck. The material slowly parted
downward as though there was an invisible zipper that was being

manipulated

by invisible hands. She could feel back and front moving in conjunction

with

one another as they made their way down her body, the top continuously
revealing increasing amounts of flesh as the line continued its path
downward past her stomach. It only stopped a handful of centimeters above
her crotch, forming a giant 'V' of flesh in the middle of her body. From

the

way the wind caressed her back, she could feel it was in a similar, near
indecent state.

And then it was over. Kasumi the magical girl stood revealed before the
world.

Emphasis on the world "revealed".

"Now you're a hottie," Brackgaugh confirmed.

Kasumi's tongue played over something that was slightly different about

her

mouth. "I seem to have fangs."

"They aren't as cute as mine, but they'll do."

Oww, I can imagine the hickeys.

"I'm not sure this is the sort of outfit I envisioned," Kasumi admitted.
Curiously, she was not cold, despite so much of her being unprotected from
the bite in the air.

Brackgaugh scoffed. "None of that fuku crap for my Magical Girl. We're

going

with something that cries out, 'When I say you're going to end up

punished,

you end up punished'. It goes  great with a name like Magical Girl
Bloodmaker. Fear, not Love is the message we're sending."

Actually its "Tough Love".

"Oh my, that doesn't sound very nice. I don't care for that name at all.
Couldn't we go for something a little nicer. Something that doesn't

involve

blood?"

Brackgaugh scowled. "Nope. I'm dead set on the name. It'll give you the
psychological edge when you tear into your opponents."

"But I sound more like some medical institution! Everyone makes their own
blood!"

"Good point."

"I'd rather be known as Magical Girl Megadeath."

"You know Toots, I just knew you were the right babe for the job."

Giving up on the name change, Kasumi turned her attention to her weapon.
"And this appears to be a sword. A very unpleasant looking one. I don't
suppose you could give me a wand instead. Preferably something with a

heart

on the top?"

"How about a heart-shaped lightsaber?"

"Maa, kawaii! This one's a keeper."

Again Brackgaugh appear aghast at the idea. "Wands are useless crap when

it

comes to close quarters combat. Swords are the way to go. Not only can you
fend off attacks, but you can conserve energy by slicing through your
opponents instead of using it in magical attacks."

Kasumi picked up a finger-shaped piece of stone from the yard and ran it
along the blade. It was sliced in two more easily than a hot knife through
butter. "It's very sharp."

"The better to disembowel with, my dear."

Not to mention decapitation, *dis*arming, hacking off of miscellaneous
appendages.

Kasumi pouted. Disemboweling people would definitely leave a mess, and she
hated messes with a passion. "Couldn't I have something more... blunt?"

"Chainsaw?"

"That's not very blunt."

"Oh, I thought you meant blunt in the sense it gets something straight to
the point. Wielding a chainsaw always gets your point across quickly."

"How about a spiked tetsubo? I feel like going ethnic."

"I like you Toots, I really do."

Kasumi lamented at her choice of weapon, but it was better than a noisy
chainsaw. "Well, what are my magical attacks like?"

Brackgaugh laughed at that. "Nothing but the best. Unlike those other

stupid

magical animal sidekicks, I'm giving you all of your most awesome attacks
right off. First there's 'Bloodstorm Fire'. That makes your opponents

blood

boil in their veins. It comes shooing out of them as well."

I believe that there are quite a few spells in the fantasy genre that do
that. Tunnels & Trolls' "Hellbomb Burst" comes to mind. The Tremere from
Vampire also have a path effect similar to this. "Cauldron of Blood" I
believe.

Kasumi didn't care for this fixation on blood Brackgaugh seemed to have.

"Is

there anything less... bloody, I can use?"

"Certainly. Not all of your opponents have blood, so the attack would be
useless against them. So when not using your sword, you can always fall

back

to 'Laser Wire Tornado.' It's an attack which will send mono-molecular

laser

wire out to slice and dice the opposition into tiny pieces."

I sense Bubblegum Crisis' influence behind this.

"I am good at slicing and dicing, but wouldn't cutting people into tiny
piece still make blood everywhere?"

"Nah. The laser cauterizes as it cuts."

Kasumi became significantly less thrilled than she had been earlier. "Are
there any attacks involving love?"

"The Ultra-kawaii Love Supershock, they drop dead from the saccharine right
away. It involves the entire season of Magical Project S crammed into a ten
second montage."

"Sure there is."

Kasumi clapped her hands in delight. "What is it?"

"'Erotic Ecstasy Release'. With a whip of psionic energy to the head, you
can over-stimulate all of an opponent's pleasure spots simultaneously,
triggering an orgasm that literally blows their mind."

Well, if there is a good way to go, that just might be it. ^^

Kasumi blushed at the nature of the attack, although she admitted it was
probably a pleasant way to lose one's life. "How about hearts? Are there

any

attacks involving hearts?"

"Actually, there is one."

"What is it?"

"'Heartburster Mixer'. With it, you can make an opponent's heart burst in
their chest. Very effective, but draining."

Why bother when making the little blood vessels in their brain burst will
net you more mileage for less energy?
Er, just forget I said that one okay? ^^

"Oh." Kasumi felt downtrodden. "How about allies?"

"You have me." Brackgaugh gave a winsome smile, one that could bite the

face

off a Doberman.

And looked far more like a prelude to a biting attack.

Kasumi felt decidedly non-enthusiastic about that. "How about finding my

one

true love? That's usually a side benefit in becoming a magical girl."

Brackgaugh grinned lasciviously, a visage made frightening by his fangs.
"Why settle for one true love? With your powers, you can claim as many men
as you want. You can make your own personal harem of love slaves. Hell,

with

your added stamina and proportions, you'll probably need at least three."

Bad Id, bad! No biscuit!

For just a moment, a vision came to Kasumi: one involving Ranma, Ryouga,

and

Mousse clad only in tiny loincloths, collars with chains leading to her
hand, and serving her on hand and foot while she lounged on silken

pillows.

But then she remembered what her mother had told her about having such
dreams, when a young Kasumi mentioned it to her...

Luckily for her, Mrs Tendo was (presumably) nothing like Nodoka in that
regard.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"Do you want to become a porno director?" her mother asked.

"I hadn't considered that career opportunity, no. I was thinking something
more along the lines of housewife, like you."

"Do you ever want a man?" her mother asked.

"I'm flexible but yes, a husband sounds good."

"Someday, when I get older," Kasumi said.

"Then don't ever, ever, ever, mention that again. Get it out of your mind
now, or you'll never get a man. I guarantee they'll all run for it."

Actually there *are* guys out there that would just love to be her boytoy.
Although saner ones would hightail it, yeah.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

So Kasumi took the advice to heart and did so, with the vision only coming
to her in dreams from time to time.

"So what do you think? All the men you want?" Brackgaugh inquired.

Kasumi shook her head. "While tempting, I don't think that would be for

the

best."

"I would be a lonely girl if I needed at least three virile men to please me
at any one time."

Brackgaugh offered. "Well, earlier you made mention of becoming a queen

and

ruling a kingdom. With these powers, you can do that as well. You can

carve

out an empire, making the streets awash with the blood of your opponents,
breaking their bones and degrading their men. And women too, if you swing
that way."

Hesitantly, Kasumi said, "Forgive me for mentioning this, but you seem a

bit

bloodthirsty for a creature that's supposed to be creating magical girls."

Really, I hadn't noticed.

Brackgaugh shrugged. "Hey, have to change with the times. Hearts and love
are out. Sex and violence is in."

And how right he is............

Kasumi shook her head. "I'm afraid I'm a bit old fashioned, except for the
occasional naughty dream. I'm going to have to turn down your offer."

"Aww." Brackgaugh pouted. Probably. It was hard to tell with the fangs "I
think you'd make a great magical girl for the new century."

Kasumi reconsidered, then shook her head. "No, I'm quite certain."

"Unless I get to change my name to 'Megadeath'."

"An old favourite?"

"Yes, very."

"Yer my kinda gal Toots."

Brackgaugh's shoulder slumped in defeat. "Very well. I shall go. But be
aware that you have passed up this once in a lifetime opportunity to

change

the course of your fate. Never again complain about the life you have been
dealt, for it was your choice to embark on this path."

Kasumi nodded pleasantly. "Would you like some tea before you go?"

Brackgaugh shook his head. "No thanks, but I appreciate the offer. I'm off
to find someone else that might be interested in eviscerating their

enemies

and sending their body parts to hell." He flew off, completely downtrodden
at his failure.

Well, it was his first whack at the job right? No one usually gets
everything right off the bat.

Kasumi waved at him. "Bye-Bye, Magical Girl Creating Type Creature. I hope
you have better luck next time."

Once he had flown out of sight, Kasumi went back to taking down the dried
clothes. It was odd, but for some curious reason, the clotheslines seemed

to

have sagged from their proper height, and were instead much lower.

And then Kasumi looked down at herself. "Oh dear."

I guess he forgot to take all those powers back.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

"I'm telling you, Pop. There's something different about Kasumi."

"And I'm telling you it's just a late growth spurt, boy. It sometimes
happens later in life with some girls. Why, I remember your mother hitting
one when she was nineteen as well. You should have seen the way her

breasts

filled out. She went from a B cup to a C-"

Ranma stomped his father in the head. "Quit telling me about perverted
stuff! I don't want to think about Mom like that!"

"Especially not since you two made that 'training video' for me. I mean,
'Love-making Saotome Ryu' is fine and all but didja have to use yourselves
as the demonstrators?"

Genma rubbed the sore spot on his temple as he and the rest of the family
sat at the table, waiting for dinner. "Have you tried dumping hot water on
her to see if she changes?"

"Get real, Pop. It's Kasumi."

"Good point."

Akane shook her head sadly at the duo. "Honestly, Ranma. Kasumi feels like
changing her lifestyle a little and you act like it's something sinister."

"I mean, the heavy metal, the necrophilia, raw meat and fascination with
Weapons of Grevious Bodily Harm, its all just a phase that every girl goes
through. You oughtta see Nabiki-oneechan when she was running around with
that biker gang."

Nabiki's eyes took on a faraway look as she took a trip down memory lane.
"Yeah, I was Queen Bitch of the Road for years."

All of the men present wisely edged away from anyone without a Y-chromosome.

Nabiki agreed. "Yeah, it's not like she changes gender or anything," she
said pointedly to Ranma.

It was at that moment Kasumi entered the room, dressed in her leather

outfit

and with her sword strapped to her back. She set the trays bearing the

food

down on the table, and set plates of rice, miso soup, and sukiyaki before
everyone. The remaining plate, the one with the four pound loin of beef so
rare it was practically still bleeding, she set in front of her spot. Once
she was seated, they began to dig in, Kasumi ripping into the haunch with

a

speed and fury that put even Genma to shame.

Ranma: Ya know, we've not see Pantyhose around for a while............

<Next month>

Kasumi: <Tearing into what looked like really tender pork chops.>

Akane: Ranma, have you seen P-chan lately?

Ranma: Nah, never seen that directionally-challenged idiot for days now.

<Some time later>

Cologne: Son-in-law, have you seen where that lackwit Mousse has gotten to?

Ranma: Ain't a clue old ghoul.

Kasumi: <Tucking in to roast Peking duck>

<Much later>

Ranma: Hey Kasumi, didja see Pop around? He missed our morning spar.

Kasumi: <Chomp> I think Saotome-ojiisan would be turning out sometime soon.

Ranma: Whatcha eating?

Kasumi: Stewed panda.

<Much, much later>

Akane: Kasumi-oneesan, have you seen Ranma?

Kasumi: I'm sure he'll come out sometime soon. He's always so delicio-er
dedicated to the Art.

Akane: <Hairs standing on the back of her neck> Right. Seeya!

<VERY much later>

Nabiki: <Hastily packing a suitcase> Ranma's menagerie of foes gone, the
Saotomes missing and now even Akane and Daddy have disappeared. This is *no*
coincidence. <SPLASH!> Moo! Moo, moo, moo! (Translation: Oh, I'm f***ed.)

Kasumi: Maa, what a cute cow you make Nabiki-chan!

Nabiki: Moo, moo, moooooo! (Translation: Don't do it Kasumi!)

Kasumi: I'd never eat another human being but animals are fair game and I
*get* SO *HUNGRY*............

Nabiki: Moo, moo, mooo, moo! (I hereby commend my soul to Kami-sama)

Kasumi: <Unearthly glint in her eyes> Kami-sama's not here
Nabiki-chan................

Soun nodded approvingly. "It's nice to see you're eating well, daughter. I
was always concerned you ate too little, and were on the thin side."

"Thank you, Father," Kasumi said through a mouthful of raw meat. She

turned

to Ranma. "By the way, have you been having any problem with Youma?"

Ranma looked around at the others, who seemed to take no note of the
question. "Ah, no. Why do you ask?"

"Well, if you need any help, just ask. I'll be more than happy to...
convince them not to bother you any more."

"Nah, they all cleaned out after some Magical Girl kicked their asses."

Kasumi nodded once, happy that Brackgaugh found someone that would fulfil
his mission of love, justice and buckets of blood.

Ranma warned, "You shouldn't mess with them. Youma are nasty creatures

that

have terrible powers and absorbs people's life force and stuff."

"Bah, they're about as dangerous as giant dust bunnies." Kasumi scoffed,

and

went back to ripping her side of meat to shreds."

"Now those Shikma on the other hand have absolutely no manners."

Ranma considered that. "You know something, if I didn't know better, I'd
swear you become some psychotic magical girl or something."

Kasumi laughed and playfully slapped Ranma across the back, an easy feat
with her larger armspan. She easily slammed his face into the table,

burying

it there. "You're so silly, Ranma."

Everyone laughed in agreement with that.

And then a very chilling, ominous laugh joined the chorus of mirth.

"OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!!!! Ranma-sama, your darling Kodachi-"

*Ahem*

"Sorry Brackgaugh. Your Magical Queen Pretty Poison has come to free you
from this travesty of a house! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Akane and Nabiki both immediately dropped what they were doing and scrambled
up to their respective rooms. Ranma, disproving Freud's death instinct,
reflexively hid behind Kasumi. He laughed off anything short of a mad god
but somehow a magically-empowered Kodachi made him quake to the bone.

Kasumi waved at the Magical Familiar as it hung slightly singed with
numerous scores in its shell off Kodachi's Thornwhip. "Heya Toots, still the
looker I see. Ya know when I set out for this gig, I never thought that some
experiments would prove to be *too* sucessful."

Ranma held his head and groaned, "it can't get any worse than this."

Responding to a mortal's folly of tempting Fate, a section of the wall
exploded to reveal a stunningly endowed Amazon. "Nihao Airen!"

"Stay away from my Ranma-sama you Chinese hussy!"

"Shampoo not hussy, Shampoo Magical Warrior Blood Rose! LAVENDER SPIKE!"

"How dare you, stealing a name that ought to rightfully be mine! BRIAR
WHIP!"

The Tendo household shook as Shampoo's and Kodachi's attacks met and
cancelled each other.

"I'll save you Ranma!" Akane declared as Magical Girl Skullcrusher joined
the fray. Swinging her titanium sledgehammer, Bakasmiter, in wild arcs Akane
managed to get both rivals to back off before they did too much damage to
her house

Ranma opened his eyes for a second, decided that Akane looked rather
fetching in her metal and lace ensemble before shutting them again and
hiding behind a placid Kasumi.

"Now ladies I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave before Magical
Princess Death Dominatrix has to flatten a few skulls." Those gathered who
were still capable goggled at Nabiki in a leather jacket, mini-bra,
mini-skirt, jackboots and not much else. That and the fact that she was
wielding a tire-iron effortlessly in one hand.

A slight rumble presaged doom as the weakened supports crumbled and the
Tendi kitchen vanished in a rain of rubble. The infallible Satome Danger
Sense going on Defcon One, Ranma opened his eyes to see the four magical
girls backing away fearfully from a brightly glowing Kasumi. Her eyes glowed
ever brighter as her body seemed to vibrate with pent up fury.

"You ..................."

Night turned into day around the Tendo Dojo.

"Blew up................"

The forgotten Soun and Genma decided that grovelling was impossible before a
nuke and found that burrowing in the ground was a plausible tactic.

"My *KITCHEN*!"
"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"My god, Kasumi's gone beserk! <KAPOW!>"

"You wouldn't hurt your kid sister would you? ACK! <WHAM!> <WHAM!> <WHAM!>"

"No, Shampoo too young to die!
AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"The wrath of the Kami would pale before this!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The next day the Japanese people found themselves rebuilding their capital
which had been utterly levelled in a strike so devastating that it had left
practically no survivors. The darnest thing was that they found this
ordinary housewife cuddling what looked like a mutant armadillo asleep in
the wreckage.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Not meant to be anything other than a cheap laugh. Hope it worked.

Yes it did and it was quite a cute one too.

Regards,
Gary


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