Heya,

Just a little C&C.

You have a very interesting story going so far.  It has a good mixture of 
both Indiana Jones and Tomb Raider.  The scene with Bollo reminded me 
strongly of Raiders of the Lost Ark, while the search for the three royal 
treasures sounds a lot like a Tomb Raider plot.

However, you have a very poor grasp of sentence structure.  You have a lot 
of sentence fragments and dependent clauses.  There are too many to list in 
their entirety, but I will provide an example.

(i.e. Slowly walking into an open area.)

A sentence has two basic elements : a noun and a verb.  More complex 
sentences have a subject, an action and an object.  The above example lacks 
a subject.  You have an action (walking) and an object (area) but no 
subject.  Adding a subject and changing the verb tense will fix this.

(i.e. HE (subject) slowly walkED (action) into an open area(object).)

There were also several places where you had a perfectly good sentence split 
into two fragments by a randomly placed period.

Oh yeah, one other grammar thing: commas are your friend.  They are a simple 
way to insert a slight pause, or to offset something that needs emphasis.

(i.e. No, father, you can't go.)

Some other little nitpicks:
GI should not be capitalized.  gi is fine, unless it starts a sentence
Also, mansion should not be capitalized unless it is part of a name.
(i.e. The Saotome Mansion vs Ranma Saotome's mansion)

If this all sounds too negative, I apologize, that isn't my intention.  I'm 
just trying to help improve your writing.  Sentence fragments can really 
disrupt the flow of the story and knock the reader out of it.

Good luck, and I look forward to reading more.

C-Ya ='P

Jon Osborne

Never mistake motion for action.
     -Ernest Hemingway

Confidence...translates into power.
     -Trisha Yearwood


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