----- Original Message -----
From: "Sebastian Palm" <winchester@telia.com>
To: <FFML@anifics.com>
Sent: Friday, September 20, 2002 5:50 AM
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma][First draft, incomplete] Hell on earth,
prologue

What if Ranma had parents who were (a little) more responsible? What if
the fateful training trip had not been meant to last ten years, but only
a couple of months? What if Genma returned with a cursed Ranma at age
six? What if Ranma had had to live with the curse for ten years, trying
to function as a normal kid in school? Reflect on the hell that school
is, when your peers, both genders, are insensitive jerks who see your
curse as an endless source of fun. Try being a girl, and have jealous
classmates splash you with hot water - instant crossdresser. Try being a

They wouldn't necessarily have much to be jealous about, unless they have
a deep-seeded wish to be able to change like Ranma. In his girl form, he's
not exactly a stunner. Cute yes, but not a fabulous babe or anything.

guy, and constantly be on your guard in the locker room. Try being

Now that I can see. (Instant peep show!)

yourself, all the way, and have the teachers fail you on general

Being yourself all the way? What's that mean? And teachers wouldn't
need to fail him if he's being pestered so much in school. He'd likely
ditch a lot if he's being "bullied" (as much as one can bully him...) Well,
that or get in tons of fights, or whatever.

principles. Having to stay girl for four days a month, or not be able to
walk because of the pain...

Four days a month? What's the purpose of that? And pain? What's that
have to do with being changed at six? *boggle* I like the general premise,
but the introduction is a little bit odd.

********************************************

Hell on earth - a Ranma � Alternate universe

Sounds melodramatic already! Heh

Disclaimer: Certain characters contained herein are the property of
Takahashi Rumiko. They are used without permission. This fanfic is rated
'R' for language.

Uh, oh...I hope he doesn't have a gutter mouth to boot!

Pronouns are wierd things, and are used almost interchangably when
referring to Ranma. Live with it - being both girl and boy for this long
does things to your sense of self...

Most fic authors I've read do it this way. Only a handful of authors whose
material I've read have ever only used the male pronouns. There's no need
for a disclaimer unless you switch around s/he while in the same form. That
would be odd...

********************************************


School can be hell. For Saotome Ranma, it most definately is. You see,

Yes, it can.

Ranma has a curse, one he's had for over ten years. He turns into a girl
when he gets splashed with cold water. It takes hot water to turn him
into a boy. This, in itself, doesn't bother Ranma very much - He's had
lots of time to get used to it. What does bother him, though, is the way
his peers react. Most of them, especially the girls, start by recoiling.

For some reason, I pictured a gun after reading the word recoil. I think
they'd start with shock, then move into disgust. Recoil could be shock,
fear or anything.

No way are we letting a pervert like that into our locker room. He'll

Hrm. The talking in the middle of a paragraph doesn't work for me. It
reads funny. I'd suggest breaking the paragraph like this:

recoiling.

"No way are we letting a pervert like that into our locker room! He'll
probably try to peep on us!"

Next paragraph here.

probably try to peep on us. Some, mostly among the boys go "*Wow*,
what's it like, have you done *it*, is there a difference, huh, huh?" A

go, "*Wow

Weird question. Any pee brain would realize there's a difference. I can
see people a little more friendly to Ranma jokingly asking him that, but
to ask someone you barely know or aren't very close to would be very
rude. Honestly, Ranma could stomp them so easily, they'd be stupid to
even dare ask. How far skewed is this Ranma from the original? Is he
one of those types who suck it up and ignore the jokers? I'm interested
to see how he handles these situations.

You should really illuminate some of his past experiences better. I get
the general gist of it, but the "Hey, I'm a schoolmate from Ranma's past!"
talking is superficial at best.

few, the real practical jokers, decide to "assist" the curse, by
triggering it in the most embarrasing fashions. Like the boys' showers,
or if by chance Ranma comes to school wearing a dress. And best of all,

Okay, I can't ignore the fragmented sentences any longer heh

defending yourself gets the teachers on your case. Which, in extremis,

extremis isn't a word...try: "In those most extreme circumstance, it
involves
switching schools, which takes us to the present situation."

Or something like that. I don't know. If you intended the word "extremist"
-- that word is used for people who are advocates for something really
abnormal (as in political extremist, religious extremist, etc).

gets us to the present situation: Switching schools.


"I knew it, I just fuckin' knew it," a wet, (currently) female and

The expletive doesn't really do anything for the story. Any bad
word substitute would do just as well and not be so glaring.

obviously disgruntled Ranma muttered. "'The life of a Martial Artist is
fraught with peril.' Feh."

Very cliche line. Maybe think of something original?

Ranma had been trudging along on the way to her new school - Furinkan
High, and how she'd wound up registered _there_ was a story in itself -
when he'd fallen foul of an old lady engaged in an old Shinto ritual -
cleaning the pavement by splashing water on it. This was nothing new -

Above you were emphasising words with *'s. Now you're using the underscore.
It's a matter of preference, but just pick one for consistency.

Also, the intro paragraph above is all in the present tense, when most of
those
events occured in the past. Now we're in the present (as you said last
paragraph)
and you start using the past tense. Present tense is difficult to use. I'd
suggest
switching the whole thing over to past tense for consistency, as well.

she'd lived with being a water magnet for a long time, and knew there
was no real counter. Stay a guy long enough, and water _would_ find him,
no matter where he was. And then he'd be a she again. Luckily, it was
still early - it shouldn't take much more than a couple of minutes to go
the rest of the way.

Hmm. So far you've really not caught my attention. The disclaimer thingy at
the top did an okay job (except for that walking in pain thing), but the
actual
story starts boring. There are a lot of ways to do this without going the
old
walking to school route. You could start the story as he prepares for
school,
possibly contemplating whether it would be easier to stay as a boy or a girl
at school for as long as possible without alerting anyone. Then work into a
morning scene at the breakfast table, with Genma and Nodoka (and maybe
another sibling or two?) there, too.

Ahead, she could see two other girls, both wearing the Furinkan girl's
uniform, so she knew that she was at least on the right track. Both
girls were fairly tall - an inch taller than her female form, and two
short of her male height. Probably sisters, or something, since they

Is she that close that she can tell? Honestly, I find it difficult to tell
whether
someone of similar height to me is taller or shorter, even close up. And
how the heck would he know that they were sisters? Friends argue, too.
I'm guessing that's Akane and Nabiki...

I can already tell a few things about this story that are really glaring at
me.
Why not make him meet new people at Furinkan. If he's not being engaged
to Akane, there's no reason they should even be walking in the same
direction. He should really meet some new people, if he's a new Ranma.

seemed to be arguing. Suddenly, one of the pair raced ahead, yelling
something that wasn't quite intelligible at this distance. 'Oh well,
better see what this was about.'

Ugh. Can't he be at school already looking down as Akane beats them
up? This new Ranma would probably be rather prompt to avoid extra
attention to himself, and wouldn't be as late as Akane usually is.

When Ranma reached the school gates, it was all over. The yard was
littered with groaning boys, trying to pick themselves up. The girl that
had raced ahead stood in front of the main doors, staring daggers at a
tall kid in kendo garb that was declaiming something in a loud, but not
loud enough, voice. Whatever it was, the girl didn't like it, because
she countered by punching the guy's lights out, and stormed inside.
'What a wierd place. I'm gonna fit right in...'

...

Ranma made her way across the yard to the door, and reached down to wake
the bokken-wielding guy. "Hey there. You wouldn't know the way to the
principal's office, by any chance?" she greeted him, hoping for a quick
answer. What she got when his eyes focused on hers was anything but.

"A goddess! A goddess has come to Furinkan. I would date with thee!" he

Please. I'm trying not to offend you, but this is a really lame line. Kuno
in the original didn't really see Ranma's female side like that until after
a few run-ins with the creep. I doubt he'd be taken with her if he had yet
to see her in combat. He seems to like tough women.

How about something like this?

"Is this an angel who I see before me?" if you have to go there or
"Oh, Akane, you accept our date?" if you wanna have him think that
Akane has come to help him up. He can then try to kiss Ranma...w/o
the lame goddess routine.

spouted, before Ranma put him back into the state she'd found him.
'Great. First guy I talk to is a total loon. Auspicious, ne? I'd better

First bit of Japanese I've seen you use...

find the office myself, before this moron wakes again.'

It took Ranma a few minutes to figure out the stylized map on the wall -
someone had had fun with moving the 'you are here' marker. Nice prank.
She'd have to remember that one for future reference. Once she'd figure
out her real position, it was quick work finding the route she was
after - two floors up and round a couple of corners. Nothing major.
Which was how she found herself across a desk from the vice principal.

"So you're Saotome, huh? I was expecting a boy, not a girl," the
vice-principal, a middle-aged woman in a severe business dress,
suspiciously asked.

That's interesting. This is pre-Kuno principle, so I guess it can be whoever
you want it to be.

*sigh* 'Yet another explanation. Hope she'll take it better than the
last one.'

"It's my curse. I turn into a girl when I'm splashed with cold water.
Takes hot water to turn me back," Ranma started. "I've lived with it for
ten years."

I would imagine that this would have been settled by Ranma's parents
well before he'd have been enrolled. One doesn't send a teenage son/
daughter into a new school without warning the proper people and making
sure everything is settled. At least have his mom go with him.

"Preposterous, at face value, but I've seen some strange things before.
Mind demonstrating, before I believe you?" The woman still looked
somewhat suspicious.

Somewhat suspicious? That's an understatement. She'd probably have
said something to the affect that we won't accept troublemakers at
Furinkan...or liars.

'Damn it! Can't some people read the damned files, and *trust* them?
It's all *in* there!' "Sure. Let me get my Thermos." Reaching down into

Files? Really, have one of Ranma's parents do this.

her bag, Ranma pulled forth an old military-issue hotflask. "I hope it's
still warm enough..." she said, as she unstoppered it. "No blinking!"

Pouring the water over herself, Ranma gained three inches of height, 30
or so pounds of bone and muscle, and lost some very prominent body fat.
The facial bones shifted slightly, giving the previously female face a
very distinctly male aspect.

"The change itself is no big deal, to me," Ranma explained to the now
slack-jawed, but recovering, vice-principal. "I've lived with this since
I was a kid - I know the way everything works, no surprises. Having
periods is a nuisance, since I can't stay male - I've tried once, and

Too much information!!! Really, I doubt he'd say more than he has to.
This Ranma has to be a fairly closed mouth individual.

I'm not doing it again. The only really bad part is the damned trigger -
I keep getting splashed at the worst moments."

"In other words, no use keeping it a secret."

"I've tried that. It only gets people mad when they find out. On the
other hand, going public invites its own kind of hell."

"I can imagine."

'No, you can't.' "Yeah. Well, with what you know, how do we play this?"

[Continued conversation for a bit. Ranma decides to go public, and asks
about the disturbance outside. Finds out about Kuno, and that he's the
principal's kid, and thus untouchable. Swithc to Akane's POV. Ranma

No way. We ALL know this. You do not have to retell it, please. Just
switch to Akane's point of view with a sentence saying she explains the
rundown of what's going on at the school. If you want to give new
information
you can include it (stuff like the students being too powerful to control
short
of police in riot gear).

enters his homeroom, and presents himself and demonstrates the curse. He
then gets seated next to Akane, who doesn't like him. By lunch, the
whole school knows about the "aquatranssexual", and Kuno storms up,
demanding to see his pigtailed goddess. When Ranma doesn't comply
immediately, Kuno brands him a sorcerer and a foul fiend, and makes
several slurs on Ranma's family. Tentative scene.]

You _really_ should go somewhere original. Through out everything with
Kuno wanting to see Ranma again. It's worth reading about as much as stinky
socks are worth smelling. You have a nice concept, but please don't bring
us places that we've been a hundred thousand times. Think of original ideas
and situations for Ranma to be in. Throw in new characters (junking all old
ones if possible). If you want this fic to work beyond chapter 1-2, I'd
really
suggest it.

With that, Ranma had finally had enough. Putting aside his empty bento,
he slowly got up. 'I just had to make enemies with the principal's kid
on the first day. Yessss!'

"So, Tatewaki of clan Kuno. Have you quite finished? Twice now, you've
stated your intention to perform carnal acts with me, and threatened me
with an obviously lethal weapon to make me comply. For my refusal, you
accuse me of sorcery, when I myself am the one bespelled, and you
besmirch the honor of me and my family. Had this been but a century ago,
you would be dead right now."

Er, whatever ;p lol

With that, the air between Ranma's hands started glowing with a soft
blue color, forming a ball.

Come on! More powerful training trip Ranma could not have done
chi attacks at that age, so I seriously doubt that this one can. If you
give Ranma some more maturity or whatever, then you have to balance
it with less ability. Try making Kuno his equal (or better, as Kuno takes
it easy on Akane). That would be a great move.

"Right now, I don't really care who you are, or what kind of trouble
I'll get into for this. But know this - threatening me is futile, and
mostly painful. Consider this your only warning - next time, you're
dead." With that, Ranma let loose the ball of energy he held, straight

Bah, Ranma wouldn't say that. I didn't believe a word of what he's said
so far.

into the deranged kendoist's chest, and without sticking around to
observe, reached down to grab his bento and walked out of school.

?

AN: Dunno where this is going really. I'm still working on how and when
to introduce Ryoga and Ukyo, since they obviously can't have the same
backstory as in the Canon. The Amazons are another matter to consider -
I've got an idea or two, but again, the motivations would probably
differ greatly. Also, due to Genma being a different person, there are
no engagements. Ranma ki-blasting Kuno is a result of five years of

No engagements?

ki-training, due to some scroll or other that hinted that the curse
could be controlled through ki-mastery.

Not enough for me. That type of ability cannot be read off a scroll.
Granted Ranma did in the original, but at least there he did have a lot
of heavy duty practice with other bizarre techniques before he obtained
the Moukou Takibisha or whatever.

The point of this story is to show Ranma's school year, the year that he
finally takes back his life from the curse, the year when he learns that
he _can_ be him/herself, without worrying what anyone else thinks. Hope
you'll like it...

I will if you write something I haven't read a dozen times. Like I said, you
have
a good premise, but you need some originality. What does being cursed for 10
years mean other then Ranma gaining ki-blasts, formal language (his speeches
to Kuno), and a massive douse of OOC?

Brainstorm for a while of what you can do different. Expand the
opening, and instead of telling us, show us! Give us a few glimpses
of the torture inflicted on Ranma in his early years. You don't need
more than 3-4, and it would be a wonderful introduction to the
story, making it so you don't have to give us a boring general
rundown.

Avoid giving Ranma long orations about anything. That's not
a part of his personality. Ryouga or Kunou might be ones to jab
off about stuff, but Ranma's a to the punch type of guy.

Then consider making some new characters or friendly people
who would befriend Ranma. Think about my suggestion of
having his mom walk him to school. That'd be embarrassing
enough, even though I'd imagine that he'd regard it a necessary evil.
I'd only keep the Tendous and the Kunous from the original cast,
and make brand new ones arrive, but it'd require a lot of pre-
planning. Get rid of Kunou's instantaneous love for Ranma. You
could even do something as crazy as having him be the first to
find out about Ranma's curse, but no one believes the crazy
boy spouting about "Sorcerers who change shape at will!" Have
the gender thing remain a mystery for a while. I never tire of
people thinking he's two different people.

There are tons of things you can do with this story. Think long and
hard about it first; otherwise, you'll end up with a copy of the
original story. This of course is my opinion, but some things are
too much (ki-blasts, Kunou's instant love).

I wish you the best for continuing this fanfiction.

Ryan Erik
http://www.geocities.com/ryanerik99



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