BJO Speedwagon wrote:

&&&[Begin Gratuitous Self-Insertion Venture, Part Three!!!]

Funky mists

If your story leads off with a word like 'Funky' you know it ain't going to
be serious.

nut zho?"

"Yeah, stupid fairies," Professor Kalypsoe groaned and turned
over, still trying to catch a few zees after not having slept a wink
in the past couple weeks. "Never let me get any rest." He held his
head. "@#$^#@ buzzing and your @^@#$^& Swiss accent..."

"Eet'z FRENCH!" Dementoe protested, his eyes aflame behind his
goggles.

I wonder what a Swiss accent even sounds like.

"Daymans?!" Chidisye screeched, bits of the phone falling out
from between her fingers. "Aye don't need none a' dat hokey-pokey
funky voo-doo junk! Me n' mah guyz can handle wotevah you wants us ta
due, right, boyz!?" She turned toward her companions.

Kalypsoe snored while Dementoe shrugged.

See? They agree.

The Subcomandante frowned, then turned her attention back to
the phone. "Well, we gotcha yah STUPID Jade Monkey, diddin'we?!"

Professor Tomoe chuckled lightly. "That's the spirit, girl!"

"So tell me wot'chew wants done, Doc!" Chidisyte blared,
enthusiastically munching on a chilled carrot stick. "We c'n take
it!"

"I want you to find those of pure heart to bring in so we can
drain their lifeforce, thereby allowing us to spawn daimons."

Find hookers, like the one in Pretty Woman.

Chidisyte grabbed her drowsy subordinate as he slid to the
floor and lifted him up by the back of his collar before tossing him
in front of the lockers. "C'mon, 'Lypsie! This ain't the time ta be
fallin' asleep! We got work ta do!"

Heh. He'll eventually snap from lack of sleep.

Whistling calmly, Doctor Dementoe saved his data, waited a
couple of minutes for the little light to go off on the 8-inch
floppy drive,

Ohhh. That gives me such flashbacks.

then switched off his computer. He hobbled over to

grab his eight-million-volt cattle prod, yanking the cord out of
its high-yield socket.

Chidisyte cartwheeled over to her locker, disabled the blinking
security device, and turned the dial. "Six, thurtein, fortie-too."

*Click!* The metal door swung open and the girl put away her
white labcoat, showing off her bright red spandex outfit underneath,
then grabbed one of her ultra-high-caliber gatling guns. She paused
in thought for a little while, then snatched a couple chains of
special, non-lethal rubber ammunition before closing the large
storage unit.

A hundred rubber rounds hitting you at a rate of 5000 per minute is still
lethal. :)

Dementoe scratched his head. "Zherrie Lewiss?"

Eminem

"I met this nice girl in Elementary School," Kalypsoe
whispered, looking up and putting a hand to his chin, "I thought she
was kind of pure."

"Do jhuu rrrrremember vhere she lives?" Dementoe asked.

"All I remember is the name I called her," Kalypsoe admitted,
brushing a lock of hair out of his eyes, "which was Chibi-Susa.

Oh. Now that's evil.

Kalypsoe and Dementoe looked at each other, then faced the
pink-haired young woman. "Keiichi Morisato?" they asked in unison.

That could work.

Chidisyte slapped her forehead. "Hey! Wake up, Lypsie!" She
walked over and picked him up by the shirt with one hand and started
to shake him around violently. "HEY! Darkylocks! Get'cher hiney in
gear n' get up here right now!" She shook him around some more. "Quit
countin' sheep, maaan! Way-kuuuup!"

*KERACK!* Suddenly, one of Professor Kalypsoe's shoulders popped
out of its socket from the force of the girl's hold.

Ouch.

"Huh? Whaaaat?" the little girl with a puffy pink cotton-candy
hairstyle asked sleepily, glancing around, her head still resting on
her arms on the top of the small desk.

The little boys and girls around her giggled mockingly.

That's the only giggle they know. :)

"Umm-hmm?"

"Fourty-two!"

Forty-two

"Think harder," the teacher urged. "It's right under your nose."

What? A bad case of hairlip?

Chibiusa hunkered down, deep in thought.

"Waaaaait," the girl finally said, narrowing her eyes as she
suddenly recognized the paradox. "This isn't a math class! It's a
SCULPTING class!!!"

Heh.

The teacher politely applauded and smiled. "So glad you've

"I can't believe you signed us up for this #$^@#^ sculpting
class!" Jason screamed at Ben in annoyance as he floated along in
Chibiusa's mental ether. "We're @$^#$&#$ SUPPOSED to be finding a
way outta here, REMEMBER?!"

"Hey!" Ben replied. "I gotta broaden my horizons, don't I?"

I wrote a fic with a title like that once. It was not an SI. :)

"It was supposed to have this way to amplify any character's
strength and power up to a hundred times on top of their maxed-out
status. Then there was this thing that they had in alpha testing for
copying attacks from other series just by calling out its name."

Heh

"She goes to Mugen Gakuen," Ben noted in thought as the clay
began to take shape under Chibiusa's fingers. It was starting to look
a bit like a charicature of a seal.

Urk!

 ">

"Or," Ben added enthusiastically, "there's a pink spore at the
door. Should we let her in, or leave her to sprout on the mat?"

"Oh, okay, I get it now," Chibiusa replied with a high level of
feigned comprehension.

I almost feel sorry for CU.

One beautiful morning at the Tsukino residence, a triad of
minds was faced with a dilemma.

"Chibiusa!" Usagi called impatiently from the bathroom. "Are
you going to bathe today, or what?!"

Yep. That would be a delemma.

"

*WHAM!!!* With Chibiusa's head imbedded deeply into the wall,
Jason lost consciousness, leaving Ben in control.

Heh. Yep. That might work.

"YOW!" Ben yelped. He yanked the child's face out of the
impression and sat down, panting heavily. "Now that you mention it,"
he said after a moment, "that's not such a bad idea!"

Chibiusa realized what was going on. "No, don't--"

*THWACK!!!* This time, the girl's head broke through the
sheet rock and hit hard against the supports beneath.

Hehehehe.

Usagi walked in, wearing a bathrobe. Her jaw dropped at the
scene before her. "Umm, Chibiusa? Why is your head stuck in the
wall?!"

"I, uh, tripped?" The little girl tried to pull her head out,
but did not succeed. "Can you help me please, Usagi?"

And that would work on Usagi too.

*Crash!* Some boy slipped on a piece of wet clay, accidentally
throwing a very heavy metal tray full of clay into the air, which
promptly dropped its center of gravity directly onto Chibiusa's right
foot.

"@#$^#$&@#$&@#^&@^!!!" Jason yelled and grimaced in pain. He
pulled Chibiusa's foot out from under the pile of materials and
hopped around on one foot while holding the other. "WOULD YOU !@$!@#%
WATCH WHERE YOU'RE !@@#^^&@^&@ GOING, YOU @#$^#&@^#^&@@#^%@!##$ KID!"

Oh, that will go over real well.

"His father and grandfather were sailors," Ben explained. "What
were yours?"

"My mommy was a Sailor," Chibiusa replied.

Hehehehe.

"She never said

anything like that." She thought about that. "Well, only that one
time when I was hugging Mamoru a while back."

Double heh.

"Did you forget something, Eudial?"

Eudial quickly regained her composure. "Ahh, nothing whatever,
Professor. Nothing at all."

"Good. Come down to the lab when you are ready. I want to show
you something."

Eudial nodded. "Of course, Professor." She put down the phone
and buried her face in her hands in frustration. "My drivers'
license!"

That might do it. :)

"Nah," Jason replied. "It's @#$@#^%@! GREAT either way.
Especially if we're just gonna use it for making chicken right now."

"I can't believe you guys did this," Chibiusa muttered. "What
if Ikuko-mama and Kenji-papa find out about it?"

Offer them some.

"Jason, you only need one six-pack for cooking," Ben said.

"Well, maybe YOU'd only need one six-pack, but I need extra:
I've been under some serious pressure lately!"

"Like the day you came with me to this fantasy?" Ben asked.
"Honestly, self-inserting under the influence? What were you
thinking?!"

With about a .20 BAC.

The clerk--a twenty-eight-year-old male with a Moe-style
haircut, square glasses, and a cynical look about him

What? Not an Apu clone?

came to Chibiusa's face. "Right." He held out a hand. "Luna-P." In a
puff of pinkish smoke, the balloon turned into a multicolored
umbrella. He caught it and opened it up, starting to twirl it while
staring directly into the man's eyes. "You don't need to see my
identification."

Big swirls appeared in the clerk's eyes and he stumbled
backward a little. "I don't need to see your identification..."

My, it actually worked.

"Pegasuses

Pegasai is the plural, I believe.

 are cute," Chibiusa noted, blissfully unaware of

the fact that the proper way to say it would be 'pegasi.' "

Nevermind.

Eudial glanced around furitively, expecting, at any moment, an
arm to wrap around her neck, a hand to clap itself over her mouth,
and someone to whisper sharp threats into her ear.

This, of course, is exactly what happened.

Which means she hasn't been taken by surprise, and can now attack.

"Do you, ah, think Neo-Queen Serenity really sent Chibiusa back
because she was going crazy in the future?" Minako suggested while
fixing the bow in her hair.

Hehehe.

Finally, Ben decided to break the monotony and ask, "So, when
were we supposed to meet with Haruka and Michiru?"

"Oh, probably a few hours ago," Jason replied. "Why?"

"No reason," Ben said, while a van with Uranus, Neptune, and
Eudial struggling inside sped by.

Heh

"This girl was being very rude to me," Kaolinite said, fingering
her face. "Aside from insulting me, she shot off explosives right in
front of my face!"

"Wow, you did?" Hotaru asked, grinning at her smaller friend
before looking back up at Kaolinite. "That's wonderful! You look so
much better with all that soot on you. Kind of like a puppy."

I really don't want to know.

In one such room there was a man in a straight jacket, staring
up at the single window bringing pale midwinter light into the room.
He was unkept, with dirty hair and a messy beard, and was apparently
wearing a hospital shirt and pants under the jacket.

Suddenly, the man blinked and turned to look at the door.

"I didn't back out; I was committed," Jussi muttered before
turning back to the window. "And I still think I got the better part
of the deal."

Prolly

"I had hoped you would," Hotaru beamed, and laughed softly. It
certainly was nice to have a friend that could understand her, she
reflected. Chibiusa could probably empathize with her frail health
and occasional seizures, since she suffered from them as well.

Heh

Chibimoon noticed a row of tall lockers to her left. One
of them had been recently opened, emptied, and left that way.
She quickly climbed in and closed it as silently as she could.

Surely

Sure

Chibimoon climbed under the railing and slid soundlessly
behind a strewn pile of steel drums before making her way across
the room. However, as she tried to sneak by, she tripped over a
fallen camera tripod. "Ow!"

Oops

The girl found it and activated the device.

"@#%^@! It didn't blow up," Jason muttered angrily.

That would be a bad thing at the moment.

in.

"@#$^^@^#!" Jason cursed, then dove for the lockers, but
the one that Chibiusa had used before had closed and locked itself
again.

Oops/

Sailor Chibimoon grasped the Fire Buster's nozzle and pointed
it into the open passageway, and pulled the trigger, shouting,
"HUNKA HUNKA BURNIN' LOVE!!!"

*BLAAAM!!!* The blast scored a direct hit on Kaolinite's back,
knocking her deeper into the lab and melting away a goodly portion
of the entranceway before the secret door slid shut.

One would think it melted a good portion of her as well.

So... Anyone STILL want me to continue this? ^_^

Yep. T'was good fun to read and want to see more. Nice chaos being done up
right and proper.

D.B. Sommer

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