Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma/BoI]Heart of the Immortal [7/?]
From: allynyonge0000@netscape.net (allyn yonge)
Date: 9/18/2002, 5:32 PM
To: deranged_otaku@hotmail.com ("Anand Rao"), ffml@anifics.com


Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer.
I've had some problems recently with authors
who have gotten a little . . .personal in their
response to my C&C. Hence, the following:

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. NOTHING
I say should be taken personally.  My comments
and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I 
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.
I C&C as if the story were going to be published
in the real world, for money. I'm suggesting
changes that, IMO, would make a better
story.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even 
professional editors make mistakes.  Different
people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps I am wrong.
Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care.
That's fine.  Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

I'll be glad to discuss issues regarding
writing and storytelling at length. 

BUT

Please don't get personal.
No sarcasm, cutting or denigrating
remarks. And no profanity. 
It wastes time better spent on writing.
If you think my C&C is so far off the mark,
just delete it, unread, and go on to something 
more interesting.

I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.
#########################################################

"Anand Rao" <deranged_otaku@hotmail.com> wrote:


Heart of the Immortal

By: Anand Rao (jouve25@hotmail.com)

Ranma 1/2 is owned my Rumiko Takahashi

For previous chapters, go to 
http://tannim.anifics.com/Heart_Immortal/Immortal.html

This is definitely a rough draft.


Chapter Seven: Lost Boy, Found Sempai

@@Good chapter title.
Senpai <and this is my only contribution to 
proper spelling>
@@@@
--------------------------------------

Ranma sat and stared at the spiral.  He remembered the old woman's technique 
clearly.  She had fought defensively, leading him down a spiral path, and 
then. . .

"Wham!"  Ranma clapped his hands with a loud crack.  (That was an incredible 
whirlwind!  It reminded me of Terry's hurricane kick, but it was so much 
more powerful.)  He slumped down and a determined grin grew on his face.  It 
had been quite some time since he'd tried to figure out a new technique.

@@Using ( ) to indicate thought breaks the flow of the story. Also, it seemsas if you left out part of the thought: "It reminded me of Terry's hurricane
kick"
 I'd try something else, or simply:
"That was an incredible whirlwind" Ranma thought.
@@@@


@@<OWWW! owowowow!> The Punctuation-Pixies are beating on me for having the presumption to correct someone else about punctuation. <OW! Would you cut that OUT!> 
@@@@

Suddenly, the dojo door slammed open and Akane stomped in, her hands on her 
hips.  "Why are you still in here?" she demanded.

"Huh?"  Ranma blinked.

"It's been *three* days!  Kasumi is going sick with worry!  How long are you 
going to stare at that stupid spiral?"

Ranma grinned and motioned Akane to sit next to him. "It really is an 
interesting puzzle, Akane-chan.  Do you remember when I fought that old 
Chinese woman?"

"Yeah, she tossed you in the air like you were a feather."

"Ahem, well, yes."  Ranma shrugged his shoulders a bit bashfully. 
@@ "bashfully" seems a bit odd here.
Perhaps "sheepishly" or "unfomfortably"
@@@@

 "Anyway, 
when she performed that move, she led me into a spiral."

Akane nodded her head in understanding.  "Oh!  So you're trying to figure 
out how she did it. . ."

"Right."

Akane stood up and grabbed Ranma by the ear.  "Well, take a break and get 
something to eat!  I've never seen Kasumi this stressed."

"Ow!  Okay, okay. . ."


@@Other than a few minor things, nice opening. A trifle dialogue
heavy. I'd like more narrative. What you do have flows nicely
with the dialogue.
@@@@


*******************

Shampoo stepped into the kitchen of the newly opened 'Cat Caf�' and sighed.  
"Why is this necessary, Great Grandmother?  Why not just grab husband and go 
home?"

Cologne smiled as she slowly stirred a simmering pot of ramen.  "The 
son-in-law was stronger than I expected; more stubborn too.  If we really 
want him, Shampoo, we're going to be staying in Japan for a while."

Shampoo tilted her head quizzically to one side.  "Why not use magic?"

"You are too impetuous, child," Cologne rebuked.  "Magic is unstable at 
best.  The results could be unpredictable."

"Then what we do?"

@@Why the sudden lapse into "Shampoo-speak"?

"Normally, to trap a prey, one exploits a weakness. However, I haven't found 
one in the Son-in-Law yet. He's been sitting in that dojo for days now."  
Cologne thoughtfully nodded her head.  "Perhaps we can exploit a strength."

@@I'd still like a little more narrative, to help get a better
picture of what everything looks like. Emotional state of characters,
etc. Good dialogue other than the lapse into Shampoo-speak.
Gives a clear concise picture of what the Amazon's are doing
and sets up their next appearance.
Nicely done.
@@@@


********************

<SNIP>

"The offer of a dowry, however deplorable, is a part of our culture, Akane.  
Besides, Genma wasn't all bad.  In his own way, he was trying to help me."

@@Why deplorable? A 'dowry' is the WOMAN'S. It belongs to her. If she leaves
the marriage the dowry goes with her. It keeps her from being totally
dependant on the man. 

"Help you?  How?"

"You know about the curse, Akane.  Genma was hoping I'd fall in love," Ranma 
explained.

"Curse?  What curse?"  Nabiki queried eagerly.

"Never mind!"  Akane said quickly before Ranma could reply.  He stared 
quizzically at the younger girl and she blushed and continued eating.

@@ Nice by-play between characters
@@@@

The meal was interrupted by a knock on the front door.  "Oh my. . ," Kasumi 
murmured as she rose from the table.  "Yes?  Who is it?"  She called out, 
opening the door.

A male teenager, slightly younger than herself, stood in front of her.  He 
had a mop of brown hair that was tied back by a yellow bandana.  He was a 
muscular fellow and carried a large back pack.  "Sorry to disturb you," he 
apologized. "Er. . . can you tell me how to get to the Saotome Dojo?"

@@You might want to smooth this out a little.

"Teenage boy" rather than "A male teenager"
"He had" followed by "He was" change one or both.

EXAMPLE:
  A muscular teenage boy, slightly younger than herself, stood in the
doorway.
  
  "Sorry to disturb you," he apologized,  fiddling with the yellow bandana
that tied back his unruly brown hair," but . . . can you tell me how to get to
the Saotome Dojo?" He shuffled his feet bashfully, causing the huge back pack
he carried to shift alarmingly.

@@@@
@@NOT the only way of course, but illustrates what I'm talking about.
@@@@


<SNIP>

Ranma's body flew to the other side of the room and impacted on the wall.  
"Ryoga-kun," he mumbled, apparently remembering the newcomer, as he slowly 
slid to the floor.  "You're as strong as ever," he continued weakly.

@@Ummmm . . .This scene was a little bland. Especially the last line.
I would have added a bit more humor.

EXAMPLE:
  "Ryouga-kun," Ranma slurred as he slid down the wall, "I'd like you to
meet the Tendou's" he waved weakly in the direction of the Tendou sisters, who
were spinning around the room alarmingly. "I'm going to take a little nap
now." Slowly Ranma tilted toward the right, until gravity took over and he hit
the floor with a muffled thud.

  Puzzled, Ryouga looked down at the crumpled figure.

  "Senpai?"

@@@@
JUST an example to illustrate what I'm talking about.
@@@@


      ************************************

<SNIP>

Overall:
VERY dialogue heavy. A lot of it is good
dialogue, but I'd like some narrative to 
help build a picture of what's going on.
SHOW more of what's happening, rather
than simply tell.
The difficulty with an all powerful
all knowing Ranma (at least in relation to
Ryouga and Akane) is the lack of conflict.
You've got Cologne of course. But IMO
to make the relationship between Ranma
vs. Ryouga/Akane interesting you're going
to have to use a lot more narrative. 
Show MORE of the training techniques in
detail and the emotional reactions
of Ryouga and Akane.

I'd recommend:
The Sword of No-Sword by John Stevens
ISBN 1-570620-050-4 

some really detailed descriptions
of Sensei/student interaction. Training, how students
react to the training and a vastly more powerful sensei.
I think this or perhaps some reading about Zen training
by the old masters would help you create the right atmosphere.

Never having had an opportunity to train
in Japan myself, I crib what I need from books by people who've
actually done it. ^_*
Anyway, a solid core of dialogue. Some rough spots, but some 
very nice and natural sounding interactions.
Show more than tell

For some nice essays on writing:
Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury
ISBN: 1-877741-09-4
He's VERY encouraging for novice writers and NYT Best Selling
writers alike and I find him enormously helpful. 



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