[FFML] Re: [fic][Ranma]Shampoo's Chance 4


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"Caleb" <caleb_david@angelfire.com> wrote:




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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: shamp4.txt

Shampoo's Chance:  Spirit of the Law
Disclaimer:  See prologue



@@Disclaimer should be
in each post. Just cut and paste.
@@@@


Chapter 4


   Halting her chopping at the red head of arugula,


@@KASUMI: "Damn your read head! REVENGE is MINE!"
ARGUGULA: "Your Kung Fu is no good! You can never defeat me.>
@@@@
Errrr . . . What or who is arugula? And why is
Kasumi chopping at it?
@@@
 Kasumi eyed the

dark clouds gathering overhead.  Looked like a storm was coming.  
Outside, the wind picked up and began tossing the stray leaves in the 
yard about with its capricious currents.  

   Oblivious to all of this, Akane continued pummeling her pigtailed 
straw man mercilessly.  As she stepped back to deliver the final side 
kick, a scream broke out.  It was a scream of pure terror, as if someone 
were confronting their darkest nightmare in the flesh.  The scream 
suddenly cut off as Akane's foot tore through the straw man's chest, 
and for one chilling moment Kasumi could have sworn he... it, she 
meant it... had been the one screaming.  But that couldn't be.  The wind 
must have carried that dreadful sound from elsewhere.


@@Now, as written, it seems Akane was oblivious to the 'chopping at the red
head' and the coming storm/blowing leaves?(which almost makes me think Kasumi
is chopping at "Ranko"? Nahhhh) 

Why not:
Akane was oblivious to the approaching storm as she pummeled her pig-tailed
straw man mercilessly.

@@@@
@@Makes for a more straightforward read.


@@Straw Man: In logic; The author attacks an argument which is different from,
and usually weaker than, the opposition's best argument.

Martial Arts: In the anime/manga what the figure Akane is attacking
is _probably_ a wooden man covered with bundles of rice-straw. I'm assuming
this as this is a classic training tool.
The only thing made entirely of straw that I'm aware of would be
something like an archery target.

There's actually a potential pun for your story using the "straw man" 
as a training aid. 
@@@@

@@The "scream" bit has some good stuff, but it's a little long and
convoluted.
@@@@


   Shivering slightly, Kasumi leaned out the window and called to her 
younger sister.  "I think that's enough, Akane.  There's a storm coming, 
so you'd best come in."

   "Hai, Onesan.


@@Oneesan
@@@@

  Let me put this dummy away first.  I wouldn't want

the rain to ruin him," replied Akane, pulling her foot from the hole in 
`his' chest.



@@ She's been standing there with her foot through the dummy?
If there is a 'straw man' training figure, you need to elaborate a bit
on it's purpose. As written, I can't see much utility. Seems a little like
hitting a pillow.
@@@@


   I'd better get things out of the rain too, thought Kasumi as she 
brought in her potted herbs from the window sill and closed the 
window.  Strange, it'd seemed like it was going to be nice and bright 
today.  But life was like that sometimes, light one moment, dark and 
foreboding the next.  You just had to take it as it came and batten down 
the hatches, thought Kasumi as she moved from room to room, closing 
all the windows.


@@KASUMI: "ARRRR, Me Hearties, Reef th Main, furl th' T'gallant.
There be a big blow on th' horizon!"
@@@@

@@If this is foreshadowing, it's just a tad blunt.
You might be better off if you delete Kasumi's little
bit of philosophy.
@@@@


   In the dining room, Kasumi found her other sister lying in front of 
the TV.  "Seen Shampoo recently?" asked Kasumi as she wheeled the 
amazon's bike into the dining room proper and then slid shut the door 
to the porch.


@@ "Seen Shampoo recently?" seems a bit informal for Kasumi
when compared to her speech patterns at the start of the story.
@@@@


   "Yeah, how'd you know?" mumbled Nabiki between mouthfuls of 
sweetbun.  "Looks like she and Auntie Saotome are waiting around in 
the laundry room.  Something strange is going on though.  Shampoo's 
her usual cheerful self, but Ranma's Mom certainly isn't.  Bet she's 
_just_ found out about her son's multiple engagements, considering 
how those two jerks keep her in the dark.


@@Which two jerks?
@@@@

 The shit's really going to hit

the fan though if she ever finds out the details about Ukyo's 
engagement.  It'll be fun watching Genma try and worm his way out of 
that."


@@GENMA:
I am the very model of a modern master criminal
I've scams and cons and many frauds all subliminal!
I've sold my son for rice and fish, and though it's quite hysterical
In return I got you daughter in laws almost innumerical!

@@@@


   "Now Nabiki, it's not nice to take pleasure in the misfortune of 
others, even if they do deserve it.  I doubt it'll be a problem," said 
Kasumi with a smile, "but would you mind keeping an eye on Mr. Bike 
for me and making sure Akane doesn't hurt him while I'm closing the 
windows upstairs?"

   "Since when are we running a free parking garage?"


@@KASUMI: "Since Miss Floor and Mr. Wall said they were lonely.
Oh, and Mr. Televison says you're sitting to close.
@@@@


   "Nabiki..."


   "All right.  All right.  I'll consider the sweetbun as payment.  
Wouldn't want word getting out that I did a freebie.  I've got a 
reputation to maintain, you know."

   Sighing over her sister's mercenaryism,

@@Kasumi doesn't seem to be consistently loony. Her speech patterns
and actions vary.
@@@@

@@ mercanaryism ???
OK, you've stumped me with this one.
@@@@


Kasumi headed for the

stairs.  But before she could ascend she was stopped short by a sight 
that made her eyes widen in shock.  Happosai... was down on all fours 
and scrubbing the steps.  Either this was a sign that the End was nigh... 
or the old pervert expected Shampoo to be passing this way shortly.  
She really should have a talk with that girl about wearing pants.


@@Again, Kasumi's character here, seems inconsistent with her 
Mr. Bike comment or her light/dark batten down the hatches 
philosophy comment.
@@@@


     "Hello Oji-san.  It's so nice of you to be helping out."

   "Oh, thanks Kasumi-chan," said Happosai self consciously as he 
scratched the back of his neck.  Then, to Kasumi's surprise, he became 
serious.  "Say, is that lazy good-for-nothing disciple of mine around?"

   "Mr. Saotome?  I think he's in his room.  Why?"

   "Oh, I just need him to make himself useful and get me some 
supplies.  That's all.  Here," said Happosai as he thrust a folded up 
piece of paper toward Kasumi.  "Please give this to him right away.  I'd 
do it myself if I weren't so busy.  Well, what are you waiting for?!" 
Happosai snapped impatiently

 as Kasumi fixed him with her innocent

gaze.  A slight cough was her only reply.  "Oh."  Blushing, Happosai 
stood up (not that it made much difference) and looked the other way as 
Kasumi took the list and headed up the stairs unmolested.  

   Once she was out of site, Kasumi peeked at the list.  Looked like 
Happosai wanted sake, tobacco, fireworks, and the latest Victoria's 
Secret catalog.  Not that she could actually read the Master's 
handwriting, but some things were just a given.  What she couldn't 
deduce, using the number and rough shape of the kanji, was the note in 
big bold red that took up all the space below the list.  Oh well, 
hopefully Mr. Saotome could decipher the message.  It looked 
important.


@@If she can't read it, how can she tell a note from a list?
@@ "deduce"? Perhaps "decipher"? 
@@@@


*   *   *

   Wiping the sweat from her brow, Akane slid open the dojo door 
and tossed her straw man roughly inside.

   "I can't believe I let myself get concerned over a stupid uncute 
tomboy like you!"


@@Is someone speaking here? Thinking? Is it Akane, or someone else?

After several reading's I'm _guessing_ . . .Akane is recalling
something Ranma said?
@@@@


   Well, he head been concerned, admitted Akane as she gently 
repositioned the pigtailed straw man more comfortably in the corner.  
He just didn't have to be such an overprotective jerk about it, thought 
Akane as she started patching the dummy's chest up with spare straw.  
Maybe she should've just tossed him into the koi pond instead of 
knocking him head first into one of the bordering rocks.


@@KASUMI: "Oh my, Mr. Rock, are you alright?
@@@@


   Hurrying back into the house, Akane headed for the laundry room. 
Much to her chagrin, she could hear Shampoo's annoying sing song 
tone issuing forth from it.  She'd hoped that the amazon would have 
finished her business with Ranma's mother by now.  But apparently 
they were still at it, as Akane could hear Nodoka laughing along with 
Shampoo at whatever had just been said.   

   Great.  Those two seemed to be hitting it off.  What if that little 
vixen was trying to convince Ranma's mom that she'd make a better 
wife?!  After all, she was prettier, more graceful, and a better cook.


@@Errrr, which "she" is "prettier, more graceful, and a better cook."
Shampoo, Nodoka or Akane?
@@@@

@@I've got to admit that the idea that Nodoka would be carrying
on negotiations with Shampoo in the TENDOU home, bothers me just
a bit. As does the fact that the Tendou's would put up with it.
For one rather important reason (if no other) Japanese TAX on
inherited property runs about 90%! Loophole? Parents can give property
TAX FREE as a wedding gift. SO, the situation as written, is that
the Tendou's are supposed to let Nodoka use their house to arrange
a marriage that is of no benefit to them? ONE of the Tendou girls
has to get married before Souun dies or they lose their home.

And, Nodoka wants grandchildren to take care of her when she's old.
She's not going to care about who is pretty, graceful or a good cook. 
She wants to know what's the best deal for HER! And it may BE the Amazon's are
the best deal for Nodoka. Will she want to live in a mountain village in
China? Chinese are marginally acceptable to the Japanese, but 'mixed
marriages' are still not commonly accepted.
However, I don't think you've made this case.
A common problem I have with some fanfics is that they are written from a
very Western perspective. Ranma 1 / 2 is a romantic comedy, but it's spoofing
JAPANESE culture and what I'm reading about Nodoka seems more Western.

Now, it IS reasonable for Akane to worry about being pretty, graceful,
bad/good cook. Not only canon, but culturally accurate for a Japanese girl to
worry about cooking especially.
Cooking is also a standard gag in Japanese manga/anime. 
@@@@

Akane wouldn't put it past Shampoo to be badmouthing her behind her 
back.  Maybe they were even laughing at _her_.  Akane put her ear to 
the laundry room door, but the noise from the dryer frustrated her 
attempt to eavesdrop.  Thinking she heard her name, Akane leaned in 
even closer...  

   And suddenly fell forward, landing at the feet of the amazon who'd 
thrown open the door.  "*tsk* Akane no ever make good spy with anger 
aura big enough sense all way over in China."  Akane looked up in 
embarrassment, which increased at her view up Shampoo's pantyless 
miniskirt.


@@Ummmm . . . this is the Tendou home. Akane has a right to go 
anywhere she wants to go.
@@@@


   Miniskirt?!  What the hell was that bimbo doing in Ranma's 
miniskirt?  Akane's embarrassment turned into fury.  That... that... slut!  
Changing out of her bra and panties and into such a shameless outfit as 
soon as Ranma got back!  Even for Shampoo, this was a new low.


@@SHAMPOO: "No, hemline is 'high'. Is why call mini-skirt."
@@@@

 Each

step the amazon took back toward Nodoka caused the peek a boo skirt 
to sway revealing in concert with her hips and breasts.



@@CONDUCTOR: "All right boys, a one and a two . . ."
@@@@

@@A rather confusing sentence.
@@@@


   "Hello, Akane-chan," greeted Auntie Saotome, in an 
uncharacteristically somber tone that seemed to confirm her suspicion 
that Shampoo was spreading malicious gossip behind her back.  There 
also was a hard edge to her green eyes which complemented her 
emerald earrings...??!  So that bitch was stooping to bribery now?!


@@Who's suspicions?
Why assume the earrings are from Shampoo?
@@@@

 But

surely Mrs. Saotome wouldn't be bought off like that husband of hers.


@@NODOKA: "Ohhh, what a lovely bracelet, Shampoo-chan. And don't call 
Shirly, bitch!"
@@@@


   Still, they did look pretty expensive, worried Akane as she started 
changing out of her dirty uniform.  Then she noticed what should have 
jumped out at her when she first entered the room; Mrs. Saotome was 
carrying her katana around again.  And it wasn't even wrapped up in 
it's ceremonial cloth.


@@Not actually ceremonial. Katana are commonly carried in a wooden
or cloth case to protect them. And, especially in modern times, they can ONLY
be transported like this, with the licence displayed on the outside. 
@@@@


<SNIP>


   "Shampoo, I was wondering..."

   "Yes, _Auntie_ Saotome?" said Shampoo, loudly enough for 
Akane, who was loading up the washer, to hear.  

   "Well, since you got your curse, have you... well... felt as if you've  
become a bit more... um... cat like?"  Shampoo noted with 
disappointment that her attempts to cheer Auntie Saotome up had worn 
off and she was back to her pensive mood she'd been in ever since 
Ranma had walked in on them.  

   "Shampoo no think curses work like..."  Suddenly Shampoo's ears 
perked up.  Before Ranma could even close the door behind him 
Shampoo had pounced and was nuzzling up to her surprised prey with 
felicitous purrs.


@@Cute. Now THIS worked out very well, dialogue, action, timing  almost
perfect. Good job
@@@@


  Nodoka sighed.  Ranma started to open his mouth in

protest.  And Akane sent the most at hand object at her fiance's face.


@@Object "nearest at hand"??? perhaps?
@@@@


   Shampoo backed off from the pile of dirty laundry.  Bleah!  No 
way she was nuzzling up to that!  Lowering the soiled gi from his face, 
Ranma glared in annoyance toward the direction from which it'd came.  
"Thanks Akane!  So much for that bath I just took.  How about ya try 
wearing some deodorant before ya work out?  This tomboy sweat of 
yours stinks worse than the boys locker room!"  

   Covering her chest in embarrassment, Akane wished that she'd 
thrown the washer instead.  "Whatcha so mad about anyway?  It's not 
like I care about seeing your chest.  Besides, if I wanted to check out a 
girl, I'd ignore you for Shampoo.  She's got a lot sexier sense of style.  
Speaking of which Shampoo, why are ya wearing m..." fortunately for 
Ranma, he never got to finish asking Shampoo his question.  
Unfortunately, this was due to Akane grabbing the sleeves of her gi and 
choking him from behind.



@@Akane threw her "gi"?
Wait . . . Akane stripped in front of Nodoka and Shampoo?
Errrr. . . OK . . .

And from the characterizations of Nodoka & Ranma in this chapter . . .
Frankly I can't see why they are still in the Tendou house. 
They (and especially Ranma) are such nasty, unlikable characters
I don't understand why Souun or Akane haven't thrown them out.
@@@@


   "Well excuuuse me that unlike you and Shampoo, I don't dress like 
a slut, you pervert!"  With a burst of strength, Akane hoisted her 
gasping victim into the air and slammed him head first into the washer's 
raised lid behind her.  Momentarily stunned, he was unable to stop 
Akane from using her uniform to tie him up against the agitator.


@@Good for her. She's being too soft on him though.
@@@@


   "What the hell do ya think your doing, ya idiot!" yelled Ranma as 
he regained his bearings and struggled against his bonds.  

   "Sounded from all your bitching like you needed another bath," 
replied Akane as she slammed the washer lid on Ranma's face with a 
loud *thunk*.  "So let me help you get all that `stinking tomboy sweat' 
out, MWHAHAHAHA!"  laughing maniacally, Akane started up the 
washer.



@@OK, now this I liked. Dialogue is rough, but it's got the
right sentiment.

Akane should dump in some ground glass and rusty razor blades at this point.
Or maybe have Akane super-glue a rabbit cat to Rnama's testicles. 
@@@@


   "Aiya.  Violent girl go off deep end again," murmured Shampoo as 
she watched the washer lurch desperately from side to side.  

   "Aw, is the water to cold for poor little Ranma-chan?  Here, maybe 
_this_ will help you take it like a man," taunted Akane as she set the 
water temperature to the max.  Satisfied with the scream of pain her 
action caused, Akane headed off to take her own bath.  Shampoo 
wasted no time in shutting off the washer and fishing a half drowned 
and very dizzy Ranma out.  

   "Ranma should be more careful what say round Akane, neh?"


@@Now THIS was funny. Though Shampoo got off too lightly.
Hey, cold water + Amazon = cat.
So, now you've got the cat to glue to Ranma's testicles. ^_*

@@@@


   "Shut up.  This is all your fault for glomping onto me anyway.  
Why can't ya cut that crap out?"

@@Ummm . . .it's a little late for that.
Ranma's dialogue from above seemed to indicate
that Ranma LIKED Shampoo's "glomping"
The actions of the characters appear inconsistent.
@@@@

<SNIP>

OVERALL:
A couple of VERY funny bits. Shampoo acting like cat.
And Ranma being stuffed in the washer. VERY funny.

However, characterizations don't seem consistent
within the story. I've noted a couple
of examples with Kasumi and Ranma where their
words/actions appear contradictory within the
story.

Use of profanity by characters appears gratuitous.
Profanity in and of itself does not necessarily
convey emotion.

The motivations of the characters is unclear. Their
actions do not flow smoothly and naturally from
the internal logic of the story.
Sometime it seems as if the author couldn't decide
what direction the story was supposed to go, comedy
or drama. Actions and dialogue appear
forced and disjointed as if different sections of the story
were written separately, then pasted together.

I'd cut most if not all of the profanity. Get rid of the
bitch, slut, etc. And it might be better to concentrate
on the HUMOR (Mr. Bike, Neko-Shampoo,Stuffing Ranma in
the washer, etc) and write the entire story in that vein.
The funny stuff is VERY funny,

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