Square brackets again, Allyn.
 
Don.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


         Lure the Tiger from the Mountains


************************************************
************************************************

Chapter: 8
Fan ke wei zhu
(Make the host and guest exchange places)


    "What do you mean, he's gone!" Ukyou snapped,
glaring around the room as if he could _make_ Genma
appear.

    "He got a phone call about half an hour ago," Souun
explained, looking uncomfortable in the presence of this
intensely angry young man. "and left suddenly." Souun
sounded very unhappy about that as well.

 
[Comma instead of a period after "young man".]

    "I don't believe you," Ukyou leaned forward,
threateningly. "You're hiding that thieving bastard
someplace."

 
[Either "I don't believe you!" Ukyou leaned...or "I don't' believe you,"
Ukyou said as he leaned..." or "I don't believe you," Ukyou said, leaning
forward in a threatening manner." or even "I don't believe you!" Ukyou
leaned forward as he added, "You're hiding that..."]

    "I've met Genma's parents," Souun corrected,
instantly. "the last time they were paroled, and they're
_lovely_ people!"

 
[A hair too colloquial for Soun and I think the proper romanization of his
name is "Soun" rather than "Souun". Capitalize the "the" in the second
sentence of dialogue. BTW, "corrected" not only fails to serve in this
context, it is only a marginal substitute for the verb said.
 
"I have met his parents," Soun responded instantly. "The last time..."
 
Or, if you really want the phrase "the last time they were paroled" to be a
parenthetic phrase, and I think you dom it should read something like this.
(Make note of the PUNCTUATION, not my word choice); "I have met his
parents," Soun quickly interjected, "the last time they were paroled, and
they are..."]

    "No person of _honor_ would have anything to do
with a Saotome!" Ukyou sneered.

    "Now see here," Soun defended Genma hotly,
"You've no call to say that. Genma is a fine man. An
honorable man. He's just," Soun searched for the word he
wanted, "Genma is just . . .free spirited."

 
[By proper rules, "defended hotly" does not work. The pause where Soun
gropes for words fails as well. BTW, Ukyou just insulted Soun Tendo as well
as Genma.
 
 "Now see here!" Soun cried out, hotly defending Genma. "You've no call to
say that! Genma is a fine man...an honorable man. He's just," Soun paused,
searching for the right word, "Genma is just...free spirited."]

    "Only if you mean he doesn't pay for his sake!"
Nabiki muttered under her breath.

    "And when I find him," Ukyou ground out, ignoring
Souun, and Nabiki,  "I'm gonna skin him and salt the
hide----"

    "That's not a friendly thing to say," Akane remarked
mildly, giving no indication that she disagreed ( in principle)
with the thought.

 
[POV finally set with Akane. Use commas instead of the parenthesis. This is
fiction. I would put the adverb "mildly" in front of rather than behind, the
verb it modifies, said verb being "remarked".]

    Ukyou flinched, unconsciously flexing his mangled
fingers, but didn't back down.

 
[Avoid the use of contractions in narrative!]

    "It's _very_ convenient that he would get called
away, so soon after he arrived in Nerima." Ukyou pressed.
"And before I could get here."

 
[What did Ukyou press?]

    "It certainly was convenient for Genma," Nabiki
observed. "Almost as if he knew you were coming."

     Kasumi freshened Ukyou's cup of tea, "I suppose if
you hurried you might catch . . .Uncle Genma," she was
moderately proud that she managed the appellation without
gagging, "at the train station. He mentioned something about
Hokkaido." She blinked as Ukyou seemed to teleport out the
door. "Such an energetic young man," She smiled beatifically
at the room, "I'm sure it will be nice for Uncle Genma to
have company on his trip."

 
[Change in POV from Akane to Kasumi. Agglomeration of dialogue, gesture, and
thought with inadequate tagging. Should have been divided up into at least
two paragraphs. Second paragraph should begin with the description of
Ukyou's departure. Yes, that would mean re-writing that sentence. _Id_Est_:
 
Ukyou left so fast that Kasumi blinked. It was almost as though he had
simply teleported out the door. I assume you are still trying to write in
the third person "omniscient" POV, which is doable, but only with a lot of
heartache, so I'll show you how to fix this while maintaining that POV.
Perhaps then, you'll see why you should avoid that particular technique.
 
     Kasumi, ever ready with the teapot, freshened Ukyou's tea, saying, "I
suppose if  you hurried, you might catch...Uncle Genma," she seemed to
nearly choke on the word "Uncle", and then seemed proud of the fact that she
had not, "at the train station. He mentioned something about Hokkaido."
 
      Ukyou seemed to suddenly teleport himself out the door. Kasumi blinked
in surprise at his enormous speed, then smiled beatifically at everyone in
the room exclaiming, "Such an energetic young man!"
 
      Everyone else in the room indulged themselves in silent snicker as
Kasumi sweetly continued, "I'm sure it will be nice for Uncle Genma to have
company on his trip."
 
Notice the difference in narrative voice? You would want to word all this
differently from the way I have here, but you must maintain this kind of
narrative voice when using the "omniscient" POV. Otherwise, you do not have
a single POV. Stray away from this voice, and you end up with a scene
written from multiple points of view.]

    "You are an _evil_ woman, Kasumi." Nabiki grinned
at her sister, who only winked.

    "You can come in now, Ranma," Akane addressed
empty air and seemed unsurprised when Ranma swung off
the roof and into the room.

 
[Properly, "You can come in now, Ranma," Akane addressed the empty air. She
seemed unsurprised when..." Otherwise nicely done. POV now properly
omniscient.]

    "I wish you hadn't told him about Pop," Ranma  said to Kasumi,
looking at Akane from the corner of his eye, appearing puzzled about
something. "I better get down to the train station and warn
him."

 
[Extra space between "Ranma" and "said". Narrative voice is now the correct
one for the "omniscient" POV. It's a pain in the ass, isn't it?]
 

    "Would you like to eat before you go?" Kasumi
asked, pausing before clearing away the tea things.

    "No time. I gotta get there before the Hokkaido train
leaves."

    "This isn't the best time of year for Hokkaido,"
Nabiki offered, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "too many
tourists for my taste."

 
[Comma after "thoughtfully" instead of the period.]

    "I ain't goin' there for sightseein'," Ranma explained,
somewhat impatiently. "I gotta get to my Pop before Ukyou
does."

 
[Alas, "pop" should NOT be capitalized in this context. Ranma said "my pop",
using "pop" as a colloquial euphemism for "father". Had you had him say, "I
gotta get to Pop before Ukyou does.", then it should have been capitalized.]

    "Well, I doubt you'll find him in Hokkaido," Akane
said, rising from the table. "That was wonderful tea,
Kasumi."

    "Huh?" Ranma's puzzled look covered a sudden
feeling of apprehension.

 
[POV steady. Very good!]

    " I don't know your father very well," Akane looked
blandly at Ranma, "but I know how he taught you to fight."
She grinned suddenly. "if he mentioned Hokkaido, I'd expect
him to head anyplace _but_ there."

 
[Use a period after "well" or use said. "I don't know your father very
well," Akane said as she blandly looked at Ranma, "but I know how he taught
you to fight." She grinned suddenly and added, "If he mentioned Hokkaido,
I'd expect him to go anyplace _but_ there."
 
See how cleanly this separates the description of gestures from the
dialogue? Notice also that the flow of the scene is not affected by this
kind of tagging. That is why it is used.]

    Ranma didn't like the direction this conversation was
taking. First Akane sensed him on the roof. Now this. If
_Akane_ could figure out that he had set Kasumi up to
decoy Ukyou away from Pop. . . Was Akane that good? Or
had he simply made a slip that would lead Ukyou to Genma?

 
[POV shifted from omniscient to that of Ranma. Avoid contractions in
narrative, especially when attempting to write in the difficult-to-handle,
"omniscient" POV.
 
   Ranma did not like the direction this conversation was taking. Earlier,
Akane had sensed him on the roof, now she was demonstrating the ability to
see through his father's deviousness. He wondered if Akane had actually
deduced that his father had set Kasumi up to decoy Ukyou away. Akane might
actually be that good, or, the old man might simply have made a slip that
would lead Ukyou right to him.
 
Note that it is NOT the specific wording I have used that is important here.
What is important is the voice. There is always a distance between the
"omniscient" POV and the characters. The omniscient POV DESCRIBES
everything, allowing us only to hear the words of the character's dialogue
without intervention. Everything else is described to us, the readers, by
this invisible and omniscient observer. Also notice that you must use
pronouns with exquisite care when writing in this POV.]
 

    "Ukyou doesn't know how sneaky you are," Akane
seemed to read Ranma's mind. "he hasn't seen you do that
snazzy leg-sweep." She cocked her head, looking at him.
"Would you mind showing that to me, after dinner?"

 
[POV with Ranma. We are now seeing the entire thing through Ranma's eyes,
rather than those of your omniscient observer. Pay close attention to the
voice in the following example. Also make note of the punctuation. You blew
that as well.
 
     "Ukyou doesn't know how sneaky you are," Akane said, startling Ranma by
appearing to have read his mind. "He hasn't seen you do that snazzy
leg-sweep." Akane cocked her head, looking at him. "Would you mind showing
that to me after dinner?"
 
Notice that Ranma's reaction to Akane's observation is written as a
description, rather than being related as though they were the actual
thoughts running through Ranma's mind.]

    "Uhhhh . . .yeah . . .OK." This really was a crazy
family. Especially Akane. But, then again, what did _he_
know about families?

[POV with Ranma rather than the intended POV.]
 

    "Great!" Akane smiled blindingly. "I'll start dinner
cooking."

    "Ummm . . .why don't I cook tonight?" Kasumi
offered quickly.

    "But I was going to try my new eggplant-tuna-kiwi
surprise. And a nice carob-tofu-curry custard for desert."

    Nabiki went a little green. If she _ever_ found the
psychopathic deviant  who taught her innocent baby sister
about "health food", she was going to audit him with a blow-
torch.

 
[Change in POV from that of Ranma to that of Nabiki.
 
     Nabiki's skin turned a little green at the thought of another one of
Akane's "healthy" meals. She silently swore to the heavens that if she ever
found the psychopathic deviant..."
 
Notice the difference in the voice.]
 

    "T . . .that's alright," Kasumi said a little unsteadily,
her stomach roiling as Akane went over her planned menu.
"you should concentrate on your marital arts. You need to
keep in training for the All Japan Tournament."

 
["Tha...that's all right," Kasumi said a little unsteadily as she place a
hand over her roiling stomach. "You should concentrate..."
 
All right is two words, not one. The pro's will gitcha for using "alright".
It is very hard to verbalize a single "T" and get a "tha" out of it. Also
notice that the voice does NOT match that of the omiscient POV.]

    "Sometimes I think you don't like my cooking,"
Akane complained.

    "That's just silly," Souun replied, crossing his fingers
behind his back. "we _loved_ your bean-sprout-banana
casserole."

 
[Capitalize "we". Banana-bean-sprout casserole sounds pretty good, assuming
she put enough goat's cheese in it.]

******
   ******

    Dinner had been good, if a little strange, Ranma
thought as he made his way through the gathering darkness
to the doujou.  Or maybe it was only strange because it was
so normal . . .he could be himself and not have to wonder if
he was staying in character (and trying to remember what
that character was supposed to be). Didn't have to fight  Pop
for every bite (or worse, have to search through every dive
and gin-joint in town, wondering all the while if Genma'd
finally gotten his throat cut, only to  finally find him, jacked
of their last coin,  slizzered on cheap wine, in a gutter half
filled with sewage.)

 
[POV established with Ranma in the first line of the scene. Very good! Why
do you insist on using those goddamned parenthesis? Especially when commas
do the job beautifully without making the reader think he has picked up the
wrong book? Worse, you are not using them correctly.]

    This had been boring by comparison and . . .kinda
nice.

 
[This is an orphaned sentence, and should have been included in the
preceding paragraph.]

    Lost in his musings Ranma slid back the doujou door,
blinking in the light that spilled out into the dusk covered
yard.

    "Hi," Akane called from the far side of the doujou.
"Be with you in a minute."

    "There's no----" his eyes adapted to the light,
"hurry," he squeaked, as he got a good look at Akane.

 
[Nice try, but too confusing to have the punch it should have had.

 "There's no--", Ranma paused and blinked while his eyes adapted to the
light, "hurry!" he squeaked when he got a good look at Akane.]

    *She's _naked_!* He tensed, all senses on alert.
*Dammit, it's a setup!* His mind raced as he tried to figure
out what her angle was. His attention was taken  the flex and
roll of muscle  as Akane shifted from one leg to the other, as
she bent over some apparatus on the floor. *Nice glutes* he
thought, palm itching as he imagined Akane----

 
[There is an extra space between the words "taken" and "the" where we should
have probably found the word "by". Extra space between "muscle" and "as".
And Allyn, an em-dash has only two dashes! Just two, not fucking four! Got
it?]

    "Sorry  to keep you waiting . . .,"

    Akane's voice interrupted Ranma's wayward
thoughts. He blinked and saw she had finished what she was
doing and moved almost withing touching distance.

 
[Use "within" rather than "withing". Granted, I would probably be worried
about "withing" under such circumstances, but we really must have "within"
for the sentence to make sense. Also, insert the word "had" between the
words "and" and "moved".]

    ". . .but it takes me a while to warm up with this bum
knee," Akane slapped her brace lightly and Ranma realized
she was actually wearing a body-suit.

[The conjunction "but" should be capitalized, and the leading ellipsis
deleted. Place a comma after the newly capitalized "But" and place a period
after the word "knee" instead of the comma, or use the verb "said" or some
variant thereof. Place a period after "lightly". Delete the following word
"and", beginning the next sentence with "Ranma realized..." As written, you
changed POV from that of Ranma to that of the omniscient observer. Hmm, just
for the sake of annoying you further, I'd make that "Ranma suddenly
realized".]

    *. . .a really thin, skin tight body-suit* Ranma relaxed
slightly,*heh, what was I thinkin'. She ain't smart enough to
run a gag on----*

 [POV now Ranma's again.]

    "OK, take off your clothes."

    "Meeeep!," Ranma choked, surprised out of his
complacency. * 'th hell? Ain't she heard of foreplay!*

    Akane pounded him on the back, looking concerned.
"Are you alright?"

    "T . . .take off my . . ." *geeze, kiss a guy first, will
ya?*

    "I can't get decent pictures, otherwise," she waved a
hand toward a collection of video and still cameras, and
electronic gadgets that reminded Ranma of a monster movie
he'd once seen in Hong Kong (he and Genma had been
hiding from the Triads over a little misunderstanding
involving three hundred kilos of non-existent cocaine.)

 
[There you go with those damned parenthesis again, and this time you have no
need whatsoever for them. Also, as written, this changes POV from that of
Ranma to that of the omniscient observer in mid-paragraph. Adding insult to
injury, you have used the parenthesis incorrectly. The period never goes
inside the parenthesis.]

    "Pic . . .pictures?" *Pops! What th' hell have you got
me into this time?* Ranma flashed back to Genma's short-
lived association with an 'art film' producer in Thailand.

 
[POV switched back to Ranma. Ranma's MEMORY flashed back. He, as powerful a
martial artist as he undoubtedly is, stayed in the dojou.]

    "Yeah," Akane started undoing the ties on his shirt,
and Ranma jerked away, falling into a defensive crouch.

    "Resistance is futile," Nabiki intoned robotically,
from where she was fiddling with a roll of printer-paper.
"You will be assimilated."

    "Huh!" Ranma twisted around, toward the sound of
her voice, and  felt goose-bumps cover his chest as the
movement left his shirt in Akane's hands.

    "I am _not_ a Borg," Akane grumbled as she tugged
at Ranma's belt."

    "HEY!"

    "I dunno," Nabiki commented, "obsessive, single-
minded," she bounced a tiny origami-bird off Akane's knee-
brace, "cybernetic-enhancements . . ."

 
[Action and dialogue agglomerated without adequate tagging. Punctuation
botched.]

    "Ha-ha, very funny. . . .lift your arms up." Akane
started pressing a series of silver discs along the inside of
Rama's arm.

    "What th' heck are you doin'!" Ranma jerked his arm
from Akane's grasp, glaring at the little dots stuck to his
skin.

 
[Agglomerated action and dialogue, but probably tolerable to the majority of
FFML members. I will flag such stuff as an error anyway. Use your own
judgment.]

    "You need those to give the laser a good target."
Akane explained, pointing to similar silver dots that ran
along her arms, legs and torso.

    "Kasumi borrowed this stuff from the university,"
Nabiki added, tapping commands into a computer. "to help
Akane with her training."

 
[Replace the period after "computer" with a comma.]

    "The lasers," Akane pointed at  orange boxes placed
at intervals around the room, "reflect off the targets," she
tapped a silver disc glued to her elbow, "and the computer
maps my movements and then ties it to the digital pictures."

 
[Okay, this one works! So far, so good, but in the following sentence, you
blow it because you failed to capitalize "she". Then matters get rapidly
worse throughout the remainder of the paragraph.]
 

she waved a hand at several cameras, "I can put all of my
moves into the computer and analyze what I'm doing
wrong," she tugged at Ranma's pants, which were firmly
clenched in his hands. "or right. I want to put you into the
computer----" she glared at him in exasperation, "would you
take off your pants, please?"

 
["or right"? If you would squeeze one or two uses of the verb "said" or some
adequate substitute for it into this mess, it would no longer be an
incomprehensible mess that the reader must read two or more times to
untangle.]

    Nabiki smirked as Ranma's trousers went to half-
mast under Akane's determined urging. "Nice shorts."

 
[Thought agglomerated with dialogue sans adequate tagging. Did Nabiki think
"Nice shorts", or did she say "Nice shorts"? With appropriate wording and
proper punctuation, you seldom need those special characters you have been
using to denote thoughts. If, however, the verb "thought" frightens you, you
are left with no choice. Later on, readers become confused by situations
similar to the one in the preceding paragraph.]

    "These are too baggy," Akane worried. "They'll mess
up the digitizing."

 
[The verb "worried" is a wholly inadequate substitute for the verb "said".]

    "Way ahead of you little-sister," Nabiki reached into
a bag sitting beside the computer and came out with a scrap
of blue spandex. "here ya go, beautiful."

 [Period after "little-sister" or use "said". Capitalize "here". Without
using the verb "said" in her second utterance, we do not have a way of
knowing for sure whether she is speaking to Ranma or Akane. It is Ranma, she
is speaking to, of course, but by the time we figure that out, the gag has
pulled up lame.]

    Ranma snagged the scrap from the air and looked at
it blankly as Akane yanked his pants down around his ankles.

 
[Inadequate description of the action in the scene. When did Nabiki throw
the spandex?]

    "That's a _very_ expensive Speedo Predator, treat it
with respect." Nabiki commanded.

 
[Comma instead of a period after "respect" and you will have a nice
substitute for the verb "said". With the period the word "respect", you have
a non-sequiter.]

    "What am I supposed to----" He looked at Nabiki
and Akane. "Oh no! I'm not puttin' this thing on."

 
[Em-dashes have only two dashes! Just two, not four! Count as you type! One,
two and then stop hitting that key! Technical gobbledygook aside, a
description of Nabiki and Akane's stares seem to be in order.]

    "Why not?" Akane asked, reasonably, holding a pack
of sticky-backed laser targets in one hand.

    "I ain't gonna get undressed around a buncha girls!"
Ranma snapped, feeling not in control and unaccustomedly
shy.

    "Just close your eyes." Nabiki suggested.

 
[Comma after "eyes" instead of a period. See what I meant when I warned you
about avoiding "said" on the first draft?]

    "Oh, OK," Ranma nodded and actually started to pull
down his shorts. "HEY!" He looked indignantly at Nabiki.

 
[This is an iffy bitch here, but most editors will admonish you for using
"OK" instead of "okay". The etymology is confusing and rules vary, but to be
safe, I suggest always using "okay" in lieu of "OK". It reads better when
written out as a word, anyway. Oh, and "nodding" is an inadequate
substitutes for "said". Replace the comma after "OK" with a period, or use
"said" or some adequate substitute for it.]

    "Well, it was worth a try." She motioned Akane to
her side of the doujou and both girls turned their backs.

 
[The pronoun "she" is bereft of proper antecedent, compounded by the failure
to use the verb said. The action agglomerated onto the dialogue without a
tag fails miserably here.]

    "Just hurry it up," Nabiki ordered, discretely
triggering the cameras. Why should Kasumi have all the fun?
she thought.

 
[Shift in POV from Ranma to Nabiki.]

******
   ******

    "Are you through yet?" Ranma was bored, watching
Akane and Nabiki hunched over a computer screen.

 
[POV established with Ranma in the very first line. Bravo! Need a comma
after "through".]

    "Huh?" Akane looked absently over her shoulder.
"Oh, are you still here?"

    Ranma clamped down on a sudden surge of anger.
Akane had made him repeat the arrastao from different
positions, at different speeds---- against a target dummy and
then against her, while she tried different counters. He'd
done the stupid move until his arms were one massive cramp
and his legs felt like dead sticks. And all she had to say
was . . .

  
[Erroneous em-dash. Use "He had" instead of "He'd". I would delete the
em-dash altogether. It serves no useful that I can see.]

    "Interesting scars," Nabiki had come up behind him
while he was glaring at Akane, who was oblivious to his
anger. "What happened? You wrestle with a barbed-wire
fence?" She traced the hundreds of faint scars with her eyes.

    "No!" He answered shortly, a cold shudder running
through his body.

    "Well it certainly _looks_ like you got dragged
through----" She reached out to touch a parallel row of
puckered scars that ran from Ranma's collar-bone around to
his hip, only to have her hand seized in an iron grip.

    "Leave it alone," he grated,  face cold with anger and
perhaps some fear.

 
[Extra space between "grated," and "face". Shift in POV from Ranma to either
the omniscient observer or to that of Nabiki. Hard to tell without reading
the next paragraph. Sloppy!]

    "Geeez," Nabiki backed away, a little miffed. "I'm
just curious. You're almost family," Akane rolled her eyes as
Nabiki smiled cutely at Ranma, "so I'd like to know _all_
about you."

 
[POV remains a mystery. Backing away is an action that will not deliver
dialogue. Replace the comma after the vocalization "Geeez" with an
exclamation mark, or use some variant of "said". The sentence starting with
"Akane rolled..." should be the start of another paragraph. The comma after
the word "family" should be a period. As written, we cannot immediately tell
who is saying what to whom, nor who is reacting to what. The words "so"
should be capitalized.]

    "It's training, alright?" He pulled away from her,
reaching down for his shirt. "I got 'em  training."

 
[All right or "awright". Ranma here speaks in the wrong tense. "It was
training". POV still a mystery.]

    Nabiki finally understand just what "form fitting"
meant as Ranma dragged  trousers on over his Speedo's. He
_did_ have dimples, she thought, grinning.

 
[POV just landed on Nabiki. Extra space between "dragged" and "trousers".
Understand is the wrong tense. It should be "understood".]

    "Training!" Akane's eyes lit up with eager interest.
She has _no_ appreciation for the finer things in life, Nabiki
thought sadly as Ranma finished tucking in his shirt.

 
[Dialogue of one character inexcusably agglomerated with the thinking of
another character, all without any sort of suitable tagging.]

    "What kind of training? Speed, endurance? Is it a
Chinese style? Or that Capoeira stuff or----"

 
[Who spoke? What did their voice sound like? Where they excited and
interested? Well then, Mr. Author, do your job and SAY SO!]

    "None of your business," Ranma had, had enough
and headed for the door.

 
[Use an exclamation mark in lieu of the comma after "business" at a minimum.
Better you should use the verb "said". Note that Ranma was the initial
bearer of POV in this scene. Had this scene been properly written, you would
have needed to re-establish POV in another character after this point
because Ranma has left the scene.]

    "What do you mean, none of my business?" Akane
stormed after him. "You can't just----"

 
[More of the same.]

    "He has every right to keep his training secrets,
daughter." Souun corrected from where'd he'd been sitting
with Kasumi for the last hour, watching Akane and Ranma
work. "Once you are married----"

 
[Stupid use of "corrected", okay? Stupid. Use "admonished" instead and
replace the period after "daughter" with a comma. So much for the avoidance
of the verb said as a good idea.]

    "_If_ you were to be married . . ." Kasumi corrected,
firmly.

 
[Sensible use of the verb "corrected" in lieu of said.]

    "Ummm . . .yes, of course," Souun backpedaled
hastily, "If you were to be married . . .if the schools were
joined, there would be no secrets, of course." He started to
enumerate more advantages of the wedded state, but Kasumi
nudged him, gently, in the ribs.

 
[This is one is perfect. You got this one just right, Allyn. POV appears to
be that of a silent observer who is NOT omniscient.]

    Akane bit her lip, emotions warring between
revulsion at the thought of a forced marriage and nearly
unbearable curiosity about Ranma's secret training.
Revulsion at being forced to do anything, won, finally.

 
[POV shifted to Akane. We need a "the" between "and" and "nearly".]

    "I'm _not_ going to get married just to learn some
stupid training secrets." She turned and stomped off,
stopping only  to shut down the computers and cameras.

 
[Faulty agglomeration of dialogue with action. "I am _not_ going to get
married just to learn some secret training secrets!" With that, she
turned...]

    "Akane!" Souun rose to his feet in a panic as she
stomped out of the doujou, following in Ranma's wake.
"Wait, you must----"

 
[POV now very iffy, but seems to be teetering toward Soun.]

    Kasumi put a calming hand on his shoulder."It's
getting late father," she remarked calmly, "I think we'll all
feel better after a good nights rest."

 
[Period instead of the comma after "calmly".

    "But . . .Akane . . ."

    "Will still be here in the morning."

************************************************

Chapter: 9
Zou wei shang
(run away)


    Ranma lunged out of bed, clawing at the air with
frantic savage movements, groaning and panting as if fighting
for his life. He was halfway out of the window before he
came all the way awake. Heart thundering in his ears he
looked down at the ground below and slowly backed back
into the room. Unclenching his hand from the lintel he
grimaced as chunks of mashed bread-and-butter from dinner
fell to the floor. It was just a nightmare. Just a stupid dream.
Nothing to be afraid of he ordered himself and forced his
thundering heart to calm.

 
[Period after "lintel". Capitalize the following use of "he". POV voice very
mixed. POV could be Ranma's or that of the omniscient observer.]

    With a shuddering sigh Ranma cleaned up the mess
with a handkerchief pulled from the pack then carefully
stored the small bundle in a side pocket. A glance at the sky
told him it was still a couple of hours until dawn.

 
[Mess? What mess? Scene now suffering from a paucity of description.]

    Pulling on his shorts he opened the door and padded
softly down stairs to the bath-room. It always took him a few
days to get used to sleeping without Genma around. He
missed the old-fart, even if he did sound like a rusty gear-box
when he snored. Even if he did steal all the covers when it
got cold, even if he did rummage through Ranma's pack for
spare change while he slept . . .even if . . .he still missed him
when he wasn't there.

 
[POV now definitely that of Ranma. Passage shot through with punctuation
errors. Pronoun usage confusing.]

    Slipping into the bath-room, after making sure the
"Taking a Bath" sign was hung (and dropping a stick into the
runner, just in case) Ranma pulled off his shorts and turned
the cold water on himself with a sigh, half of pleasure, as the
cold water sluiced away the sticky night-sweat that came
from his sudden fright and half of almost-pain, as "the
change" twisted and shivered his bones and flesh.  He spent
another minute shuddering under the cold spray, then made a
dash for the furo for a quick soak.

 
[Bathroom, rather than bath-room. Unwarranted use of parenthesis, within
which is the superfluous use of a comma. Sentence structure unwieldy and
difficult to follow. I recommend a re-write.]

    If he couldn't sleep, he'd work out a while, before
the rest of the house woke up.  Drying quickly he pulled on
his boxers and padded  softly through the family room,
wondering what it would be like to wake up to the same four
walls every day. Eat at the same table, off the same
plates - - he even had his own cup - - Kasumi had given it to
him. He made a quick detour into the kitchen and grabbed
some bread and sugar, folding it into a paper towel, before
heading for the doujou.

 
[Need a comma after "quickly". Over use of the pronoun "he" at this point in
the narrative.]

    As soon as he set foot into the yard he sensed
something . . .and it only took a moment before he located
that something. Noise. From the doujou. He moved stealthily
as a matter of course, unless it was out of character for a
particular con. A stout stick across the shoulders, or the
bottoms of his feet, made an excellent teacher. After ten
years on the road with Genma, Ranma could make a shadow
seem noisy.

 
[Unwarranted use of an ellipsis. Use a comma instead. POV voice now
confused.]

    Moving to the rear of the doujou , where cover from
the trees would make him  harder to spot, he made his way
quickly and softy to the roof. Sliding forward on his belly
Ranma hung over the roof and peeped in through the
window.

    Akane! She'd changed from the full body unitard to
what looked like a blue one-piece that left her arms and legs
bare. As he watched, she threw herself onto her hands,
sweeping her legs around to smash into a post, padded with
rice-straw. The doujou shuddered slightly from the impact,
but the post remained upright. The stupid girl had the thing
rooted in the foundations! She was never going to----then he
noticed the thick yellow callous that covered her shins and
forearms.

    *Damn. Thai-Boxing* She wasn't learning to sweep
the legs . . . she was going to use the maneuver to smash
them to splinters. Lacking the speed and flexibility for true
Capoeira, she was adapting the move for what she _did_
have . . .brute strength. Ranma made a mental note to pay
more attention to Akane's technique, even if she was a girl,
then promptly forgot it.

    A harsh buzz and a flashing red screen from the
computer indicated her move didn't match the ideal form
Ranma had inputted earlier. Ranma grimaced-----he didn't
need a stupid machine to tell him when he made a mistake.
He had a stupid Pop.

 
[Or perhaps a smarter Pop than he realizes, nyet?]

    He didn't need to look at the screen to tell how long
Akane had been practicing either (though he could read
upside-down and reversed in six languages----a requirement
for the "Dead Son Speaks from the Grave" Con"), the
smears of blood on the floor and post showed where even
her thick calluses had been broken by hours of constant and
unfamiliar impacts. The idiot girl must have started almost as
soon as everyone else had gone to bed. Which meant she'd
had, at most, three hours of sleep.

 
[Comma after "bed", remove the capital "W" from "which".]

    Ranma flipped down from the roof, lightly as a falling
cherry blossom. Rule two of The Road, *Sleep is the most
valuable treasure in life. NEVER give it up for anything*.

     *Unless Pop is beatin' a lesson into you, or you're
runnin' from the Triad, or you've got a con in the works
or . . .*

    Stupid girl . . .stayin' up all night when she didn't
hafta. She really _was_ a psycho.

******
   *****

 
[Change in scene lacking a proper transition, which, by the way, could be
done with single phrase in the very next sentence.]

    Trotting along the fence-top, on his way to school a
few hours later, Ranma reviewed his plans for the day. He
didn't like leavin' Pop on his own, especially with that
Ukyou chasin' him. The whole point to this scam was to stay
quiet in one place. (well, that and the money) A moving
target attracted the eye and there were a _lot_ of eyes
looking for them. Pop was pretty slick, and it was almost
impossible to catch Saotome Genma by surprise  . . . except
when the  "thirst" grabbed him . . . Ranma got a cold lump in
his belly at the thought of Genma alone with a bottle. He
shook it off, berating himself for worrying needlessly.

 
[Top of the fence instead of "fence-top". Parenthesis again, and improperly
used--again! POV still firmly attached to Ranmma.]

      Ukyou should be in Hokkaido by now, following
the false trail Ranma had set up. Genma was digging a hole
and pulling it in after him, someplace well south of here.
With Pop safe, he'd  have a couple of days to think of a way
to-----

 
[Continuity error! It was previously indicated that Genma had set up the
false trail, at least in this chapter. I have not read the chapters
immediately prior. They never made it to my box for some reason.]

    Ranma's body was already moving, leaving his
wandering thoughts to catch up, when a steel blade sliced
through the space his body had just occupied.

    *Ukyou! Not good.*

    Ranma hit the ground rolling and came to his feet in a
Snow-Leopard crouch, hips inches from the ground,
balanced to move quickly in any direction.

    "You bastard," Ukyou spat on the ground, "did you
think you could fool me!" He slid forward,  shovel bladed
pole arm  weaving a complicated pattern, like the head of a
hunting snake.

 
[Argh! Replace the comma after "bastard" with an exclamation point.
Capitalize "did". The "shovel-bladed pole arm is incapable of weaving a
complicated pattern. However, Ukyou could weave a complicated pattern with
it.]

    "Uhhhh . . .do I know you?" *Never admit
_anything_*, Rule six of The Road.

 
[Thoughts agglomerated with dialogue, sans adequate tagging. At least this
time there is only one characters thoughts and speech in a single
paragraph.]

    "You thought I would be fooled that easily?" Cold
hard eyes fixed Ranma with unnerving intensity as Ukyou
stalked him, looking for an opening. Ranma, for his part,
kept moving back, taking no chances with twenty inches of
surgical steel on the end of a five foot pole.  He figured he
could take  Ukyou . . .but he didn't know his style or what
other weapons (or allies) he might have. And it would take
only one  mistake . . . Ukyou didn't have to be good, just
lucky.

 
[POV shifted to that of an omniscient observer.]

    Rule Twenty-Three, *only gamble if it's someone
else's money and your dice*.

 
[POV now shifted to that of Ranma.]

    "Hey, I don't know you, or what your problem is----"

    "You know me," Ukyou grated, "just like I know
you. And Genma," his mouth worked as if he wanted to spit.
"You almost fooled me," Ukyou made a sudden lunge and
Ranma sprang, not back, but forward and to Ukyou's right,
out of the way of the huge pole-arm.

 
[Replace the comma after "Genma" with a period or, preferably, an
exclamation mark. Capitalize "his" better yet, replace "his" with Ukyou's.
Action and dialogue hopelessly entangled with dialogue.]

     "I had a ticket in my hand," Ukyou made a curious
flickering motion with his left hand and light flashed across
the distance between them.

 
[POV that of an independent observer watching the action.]

    Ranma lunged out of the way of the spinning steel
blades, then cursed as he realized he'd moved back into
range of the pole arm and threw himself desperately to the
ground.

 
[POV shifted to Ranma.]

    " . . .when I realized how _convenient_ it was that
Genma would leave me a clue. I figured Hokkaido wasn't
going anyplace," Ukyou's steel blade hummed as it cut
through the air and blasted a chunk out of the sidewalk,
missing Ranma's head by a fraction. "----and doubled back
to the Tendou's. I waited outside all night," the heavy blade
followed Ranma as he rolled frantically, the blade chewing
up the concrete behind him like some manic mutant
woodpecker. "----until you came out this morning, with your
little school-bag on your back."

 
[More intractable agglomeration of action and dialogue. POV shifted to
observer.]

    Ranma lunged to his feet, curling to one side as the
blade sliced through the air. With a twist of his wrist Ukyou
turned the flat of the blade ninety-degrees. The instant
increase in sail-area slammed the blade to a halt and, twisting
the blade parallel to the ground, Ukyou sent it sizzling
_back_ toward Ranma.

 
[Need a comma after "wrist". I would replace "instant" with "sudden". Your
call. The last sentence is too long, forcing the reader to read the sentence
at least twice before being able to visualize the action. That is the last
thing you want in a fight scene.]

    The sudden change in direction, faster than should
have been possible for a weapon of that size, caught Ranma
off guard. Fire shot up Ranma's arm as the steel bit into his
flesh and training over-road his conscious mind.

 
[POV shifted to a now omniscient observer. The last sentence is confusing.]

    Unarmed against a blade . . .*fast, dirty and low to
the ground* he heard Genma's voice.   *Stay inside him,
boy.  Keep below the blade. Hit him hard! Hit and move!
Never stop moving, boy!*

 
[Genma's voice? Where did that come from?]
 

    Ranma dove to the ground and lashed out with a
savage side kick to Ukyou's knee, instantly spinning out of
range. Even if he broke the leg, Ukyou could still chop him
into sushi as long as he was alive and Ranma was in reach of
that damned big blade. He came to his feet to see Ukyou,
white with pain, but still conscious and struggling to rise.

 
[Too much action run together in long  sentences lacking adequate
punctuation, making the action difficult to follow. It is not clear, on a
first reading, that Ranma's kick actually landed.]

    Ranma ran.

 
[Always the best policy when faced with a skilled opponent wielding a pole
arm.]

    He was sure now that he could take Ukyou. He was
faster and he knew how Ukyou fought and the limitations of
his weapon. It was possible the other boy could fool him, but
not likely. If Ranma ever fought with someone, he knew
them within the first half minute.  Knew what they would do
before _they_ did. He'd never met but two people he
couldn't read, and they weren't in Japan. At least he hoped
they weren't.

 
[POV seems to have been shifted to Ranma.]

    "Flour Bomb!"

    Ranma was diving for the culvert before Ukyou's
shout died out. He'd fought a lot of people who used
"warnings" to unnerve their opponent. Ranma didn't see why
they wasted-----"

 
[Definitely Ranma's POV. Malformed em-dash.]

    The tiny white-phosphorus trigger ignited the fuel-air
mixture of highly combustible, finely ground powder with a
detonation that would have surprised anyone who had never
seen a grain-silo explode.  Heat flashed over Ranma as he hit
the bottom of the ditch, the overpressure leaving him dazed
and the storm of broken masonry  bleeding him from
hundreds of slashing wounds. Not wasting an instant he
scrambled through the culvert, cursing as the cold water
triggered his change.

 
[Inadequate transition between Ranma's thinking and the action external to
him. POV shifted to that of an omniscient observer.]

    This was getting serious. Ranma tumbled out of the
ditch and lunged for a side street while he was still obscured
by smoke from the blast. If he couldn't find a way to lose this
maniac he was going to have to hurt him. Maybe more than
hurt. Because if he took any more chances, Ukyou was going
to hand him his head.

 
[Agglomeration of thought and action.]

    Damn! There wasn't any profit in beating Ukyou,
only a loss if the other boy got lucky. Ranma looked around
for inspiration. He'd try going high, a lot of people who
fought well on the ground were off balance if they left the
flats. His book bag banged him in the side as he leapt for a
hand hold on the wall of a grocery store.  He'd forgotten
he'd been wearing it, and that meant he still had his books
and----

 
[Yet another agglomeration of action and thought, compounded by the use of a
pronoun lacking a proper antecedent. Or, perhaps, this reader is simply
confused.]

    Five minutes later Saotome Ranko was twitching her
dress into line. He . . .she . . . had intended to return the
borrowed clothes and make an end of Ranko. Now, it looked
like Ranko was going to be around for a while. Stuffing her
ruined shirt and trousers into an ash-can she peeped around a
corner to make sure Ukyou wasn't in sight. Tucking her
distinctive hair under a scarf improvised from a scrap torn
from her discarded trousers Ranko trotted towards
Fuurinkan.

[Comma required after "later". POV confused between that of Ranma and the
omniscient observer. Need a comma after "ash-can", which I think should be
two separate words. Comma needed after "scarf" and another needed after
"trousers".]

 
This is all I have time for this time, Allyn. It's 0130 here and I should
have been in bed four hours ago. You have improved, but you are still making
many of the same mistakes pointed out previously. Most of those having to do
with punctuation. If it is any consolation, I did not think that I would
ever come to grips with the rules for punctuating dialogue. They threw me
all over the place for many chapters before I finally began to get a grip on
them. It looks as though you are in for the same ordeal. As for POV, I have
tried to make you see that the POV you are trying to write in is one of the
more difficult ones to work with. Go ahead and be hardheaded about it. I
will gleefully bash you about the head and shoulders until you get it right.
 
Regards,
 
Don.


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'