On Mon, 16 Sep 2002 15:28:07
Brad Angell wrote:
Hello,
I should have said something earlier, but I held back to see if there was
some explanation.
First, let me say thank you for the feedback. I want to keep everyone in character and have the story stay true to the cannon, so if I start to go over the line I defintly want to know. Critisism is much more helpful than "Great fic. Keep it up." Even if I don't agree with the feedback, it helps sharpen my understanding of why I'm doing what I'm doing. Plus it's fun to argue:) Arguing is good... as long as it leads to greater understanding and not lots of people yelling past eachother.
With that said, let me warn you. In truth, I'm not very sociable, I prefer to be blunt and lacking in tack. So I'm not going to tone down my reply, which you might find insulting at times. Deal with it. If your going to dish out critisism you've got to be ready to take it. However, _my_ critisms will at least be well thought out (see what you've done, my viciousness that I usually keep hidden is already coming out:)
You're falling victim to the "Akane-superbitch on terminal PMS" syndrome
I know what you're talking about. Like "The Bitter End" Akane (great fic actually, but OOC)? If you look a little closer I think you'll find there are subtle differences in my potrayl. She's willing to admit in hindsight that Ranma was concerned. By proxy, she's gentle to him. She gets concerned about him when she see's Nodoka's katana. If I was out to show Akane was a "Superbitch" I wouldn't bother with these details.
She's not on "terminal" PMS. During her fight with Shampoo in Chapter 1 she actually started to get in a good mood before Shampoo rubbed her face in the fact that she still wasn't anywhere near her level. She also had forgiven Ranma after she worked out her anger on the straw man, but then Ranma went and set her off again. It appears that you may be the one falling victim to your predjuices toward the characters. By the way, I am a Knight, but that doesn't mean I'm blind to the faults of the true fiance.
She gets angry occasionally, yes,
No, she gets angry frequently. Anger is one of the most common emotions that Akane displays. Ask someone what emotion comes to mind first when they think of Akane and they'll most likely reply anger. A short temper is one of Akane's distinguishing characteristics. Of course, this is probably linked to Ranma usually being an insenitive jerk.
but only when there is a real reason.
Sometimes Akane takes out her anger on Ranma for rather weak reasons that aren't connected directly to what he does. Like the time she hit Ranma for using her grade school embrodiery thing as a rag to clean the dojo. That wasn't really his fault, Nabiki was the one that gave it to him. The one she was really angry at was Nabiki, but she couldn't hit her so she took it out on Ranma. Then she later hit him after he saved Nabiki instead of her when the deck gave way evan though it made sense to protect the person without tumbling training. When she's in a bad mood it just takes a little thing to trigger her.
Shampoo showing up would just cause her to be annoyed.
Yes, she was just annoyed by Shampoo being there. But that's not all that happened.
You have her in meltdown mode for no discernable reason.
If you count:
1) Ranma walking in on her while undressed
2) Him not avoiding Shampoo's glomp
3) His insulting her BO (an area a female would be rather sensitive to as stinking sweat is generally consdiered a male problem (this insult should be taken as having about as much weight as Ranma calling Akane fat; hyperbole that he uses when he's pissed at her))
4) His insulting her chest
5) His rubbing salt in #4 by comparing Shampoo favorably to her
as "no discernable reason"
I can name instances in the manga where Akane reacts violently to all of the above type of behaviors. Taken together I'd say it's perfectly reasonable that Akane snaps.
and she wouldn't belt Ranma for being concerned.
She doens't belt him for being concerned. Read chapter 3 again. She belts him because he calls he calls her an idiot (and if you read between the lines you'd have realized he called her an idiot for fighting Shampoo, implying that she's not good enough to tangle with the amazon, that while true, is also insulting), and a stupid tomboy. She was already touchy over the whole run in with Shampoo, so it was a given that Ranma pushing the hottbuttons of "idiot" and "stupid tomboy" would set her off. Heck, whenever Ranma uses those insults he's open game for getting hit.
She might be a little upset or annoyed, but not that angry. I'd
suggest rewriting, and calming her down quite a bit.
A calmed down Akane? Now that's what _I'd_ call OOC.
Ranma does say some insensitive things, but he seems to be deliberately
cruel here.
What would you call it the numerous occasions Ranma calls Akane "fat" just because he's torked at her? But I wouldn't say he was being deliberat. That implys premeditation, and Ranma opens his mouth before thinking things through. Perhpas he was cruel, but not deliberertly. I don't think he'd delibertely try and hurt Akane.
Most of the time, he doesn't realize that what he's saying is
bad. He can be insulting, but usually only when he's upset with Akane.
Which he was. She had violently knocked her into the koi pond in Chapter 3, which was why he went to the bathroom, which is why he ran into neko Shampoo and had the incredibly embarrasing experience of his Mom seeing what happens when he runs into a cat, which in Ranma's reasoning makes it Akane's fault (and Shampoo's), so he's a little mad (at both of them). Then she also throws the dirty laundry at him, which torks him off more, especially since he doesn't consider it his fault that Shampoo glomped him. He's also in a bad mood overall becasue his mom saw him acting like a wuss becasue of a cute little cat. So he's going to lash out given an excuse. Not just Ranma, but people in general are like that.
And Ranma looking at Shampoo like that, is somewhat common, if he was a >normal guy. Ranma's not like most guys,
True. Most guys don't have a mother who will make them commit seppuku if they decide they're unmanly. Were you paying much attention when you were reading? Ranma looked at Shampoo like that because he was desperate to do something that he figured would look manly to his mother.
and he's not going to lusting after Shampoo's body.
You'd probably have to be gay to not feel anything from watching Shampoo like Ranma was forced into watching her. I woudln't call it lust becasue I'd say lust is a delibret thing, but his body and endocrine system were reacting about the way they'd react in all males. It would have taken a lot of will power to not feel anything, and when it comes to females Ranma has little experience, so he was caught off guard; he's never been in such a arousing situation for an extended period of time like this (his normal reaction is to get out of them as quickly as possible, which wasn't an option here)
He may think her cute, but his sexual attraction is lower
than most guys.
That could very well be true. Or it could just be he's more honorable and disciplined than most guys (a life spend studying the martial arts can tend to do that). Either way, he does react to girls. There are numerous times he blushes or gets unerved when he's in a sitution that could be considered arousing.
His legs turn to jelly and start knocking when he sees all the girls come out of the hotspring in the Happo Fire Burst story. He has to look away and talk himself down to keep it from overwhelming him. Or during the hot spring race when Shampoo greets him and then she and Ukyo are fighting over him. Look at his face in that one panel. He's desperately trying to not look at them, and I'd bet good money he's fighting down a hard on. Ranma _can_ be affected by sexual attraction and possibly overwhelmed, like practically every healthy human being. He usually has the good sense to look away before it reaches that point.
At most, he might be a little flustered, but he would look
away
No he wouldn't, becasue his mother might still be watching, and that wouldn't look very manly. The fear of death can be a very powerful force. Maybe you need to brush up on human nature a bit more.
rather than want to touch Shampoo's butt.
Here's the question: Did he touch Shampoo's butt becasue he wanted to, or just to impress his mother? I won't answer that becasue you should never show to much of what's going on behind the stage. But if it makes you feel better you can assume that he did it for his mom.
Remember, he could do it in
the "Smiling Three-Year Death" episode.
I'll assume you meant couldn't. Correct. But he was trying to do that for Mouse's sake. Not very inpsiring, especially compared to the influence of the fear of death and the sexual impulse, which are the two most powerful motivating forces, in case you haven't taken human nature 101 yet.
Shampoo comes off as a little too smart,
Shampoo is smart. For one, she and Kasumi (whose is also often miscast as the uncannon anime ditz) are the only characters who are shown as evening readers. If you spend your evenings reading, that says a lot about you. Shampoo also improves her knoweldge of Japanese very quickly, to the point where she can acutally wright messages in it.
but it's not a real big thing, and your prolouge has her come to a few >conclusions that would cause a change in thinking. However, she does seem a >bit like an ANC, in that she's getting the best of everyone.
The truly annoying thing about ANC is that they do it effortlessly without paying their dues. Nodoka had Shampoo sweating it out several times. And things aren't going entirely her way. Happosai won round one against her and is set up to score again. But most importatnly, her reunion with Ranma _is_ not going how she wanted it to. It went so poorly that she was cursing up a storm in catspeak. Even if Ranma's touching her butt, he's still torked at her, which is not what she wants. She wan't affection from him and she's not getting it.
Nodoka's character can be hard to understand, but you do her reasonably
well.
Thanks. I cringe whenver Nodoka decides to make Ranma's girl side a woman amongst women (not that I didn't enjoy "Girl Days").
She might very well agree to Shampoo having a child by Ranma (though
the fact that Shampoo is a gaijin would prevent Nodoka from accepting
Shampoo as Ranma's wife, a mistress is not out of the equation), but she
wouldn't be too upset at Genma's actions.
What the hell are you smoking?! Genma got Ranma into an engagement (even though he was already promised) that he didn't intend to honor just so he could steal a dowry. That dishnors the whole family majorily. Any parent would be righteosly angered to suddenly find out that their precious child had been saddled with an unwanted engagement because of their spouses disgusting selfishness. And Nodoko is highly principled. She can't just ignore this. Her honor won't be satisfied until they make the offense up to Ukyo, which they can't afford to do.
Nodoka also supports the engagment to Akane, so to her this is a big threat as Shampoo is correct in that Ukyo's claim is technically more valid since the dowry was already accepted. So just how would she be "not too upset" over this?
He attacked her with a table, picked her up and carried her off, running away >from their son, and she didn't think any worse of him, after all.
Those were minor offenses against her, which as a good housewife she doesn't let get to her. This is different. Genma's screwed over her son. Nodoka places a much higher value upon her son than she does on herself. And we're talking a MAJOR offense, as I described above. Engagments aren't light matters.
At any rate, I think you should stop and take a serious look over what
you've written so far.
I stop and take a serious look over every sentence I wright to see if it works. Which is bad technique, your just supposed to let yourself go. But I'm to much of a neurotic perfectionist to go on with the possiblity that I've written a crappy sentence.
Being busy, I haven't had time to offer the C&C I should have over your >previous parts,
I'm just glad that you finally got around to it. If you've got a thick skin, by all means keep it up.
but if you want, I could go back help you clean things up, or even work with >you on future parts to ensure things go alright.
I'm honored that your taking such an interest in the story. It's a generous offer, but I doubt you'll be surprised that I'll turn it down. I'd suggest you go back an reread the story without your predjuices for and against Akane and Shampoo making you miss what's really going on. It's not surprising that your being overly reactionary though. You probably didn't want a poorly written one dimensional "Akane-Superbitch on terminal PMS" ruining a promising fic.
It's up to you, though.
Kaiphantom
I know I was rough, but don't take it to personally:) Hope you keep reading. Ja ne!
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