Hi there,

WOW!

This is certainly a good start.  :D

1)start is kind of choppy. Languge in dialogue/narrative is stiff and 
unnatural.

Really?  Hmm... you're talking about the opening scene?  I'll have a look at 
it.  I tried to keep it natural, but I'm sure I can loosen things up a bit 
more.

2)Plot is intricate and VERY well thought out.

I'm glad you like it... hopefully I'll be picking up a bit more momentum 
pretty soon and moving into the story proper.

3)Narrative/plot start to smooth out when you get to Happosai. Could stand 
a bit of work, still too formal in language and sprase Narrative.

Hmm.. okay, I'll have to work on this.

4)WOW!!!!
When you get to Akane "awakening"
Beautiful, breathtaking. I got chills reading it.
One of the best things I've EVER read ANYWHERE!!!

Wow, now that's enthusiasm.  :)

Do you mean the scene where she literally wakes up?  The short one?

5)Everything past that is very good. I'd like to see more narrative to 
flesh out the dialogue. Good, but could be a lot better if not so sparse 
with description. And some of the dialogue could be edited or cut. Not 
bada, but either more narrative or less dialogue.

I try to be descriptive, but if it's coming across as too sparse obviously 
I'm not including enough.  I'll go through the chapter again and see if I 
can add in some more detail, and will do the same with the draft of chapter 
8.

Quite frankly, this is good overall, but the Akane awakening bit is so
brilliant, and the story line is so original . . .I suggest you STOP 
writing this as a fanfic and do it as an original story for publication. 
It's got a LOT of potential. And anyone who can write something like that 
bit with Akane should be getting royalty checks.

Now you're just trying to stop me spamming the FFML with new chapters... ;)

Seriously, though, I appreciate the compliment but I don't think it's good 
enough to be published by any stretch of the imagination, and besides, I'm 
having fun writing it as a fanfic.  I'll leave it in the Ranmaverse.  :)

Thanks for your comments, I'll see what I can do about smoothing out some of 
the dialogue and beefing up the descriptive language a little.


Regards,
R. E.

========

Ten
http://ten.waxwolf.com
Perfection has a price.

========


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