Suggested changes: {before : after}
On Wed, 11 Sep 2002 12:11:53 -0400 "L.S McGill" <lsmcgill@hotmail.com> wrote:
Kodachi laughed at the ice in her voice. "I suppose we should be sporting."
{ :}She stuck out her hand. "May the best girl win!"
Akane humphed. "I don't know about her sanity, but she's defiantly
twisted." She hefted her bag and began walking towards their dressing room.
{ :}"But what I don't understand is why you are spending so much energy
showing me peoples auras." She waved a vague hand. "I mean, you've been
glowing for days. Isn't it tiring?"
Zhu Shu slipped into the door, took one look at Akane and dived to her side.
{ :}She examined the madly giggling girl and looked around to see the roses.
She dusted her finger and looked at it. "Poppy." she said disgustedly.
"With several other ingredients I suspect."
The {Referee : referee} looked at her nervously before proceeding with her opening. "And
now the Champions of the Schools! In this corner ... From St. Bacchus
School for Girls ... Kodachiiiiii Kuuuuuuuunnnnoooo!"
"Champions to the center!" The {Announcer : announcer} called. Akane looked at Kodachi
with her head tilted to one side as she tucked her ribbons behind her back.
You are being rather free with capitalizing nouns. This isn't German.
Please check over this section as I may have missed a few.
The two girls approached each other and the {Referee : referee} them shake hands.
Kodachi had to get another dig in. "Well cow, are you ready to lose your
claim to my Ranma?"
"You betcha!" Akane answered. She leaned over the ropes to look at Ranma
curiously, then whispered conspiratorially at Zhu Shu. "I don't know why'd
she want him though. He's a bitch! Thinks nothing {or : of} ripping out hearts.
Maybe I should let her have him." She looked at the stricken redhead and
winked. "Or maybe I'll go to her. I'm already a slut, right! You said so.
Wanna bet I can get her out of that outfit before the end of the fight?" She
giggled and leered at Ranma. "Hot girl girl action, doncha know."
"Just what we've come to expect from the Flower of Martial Gymnastics,
Kodachi Kuno! She handles the rope as if it's a rod!" the {Announcer : announcer} called.
"Wait a minute, the {Announcer : announcer} cried. "It is a rod!! A rod disguised as a
rope!"
"Akane!" Ranma yelled as she stumbled away from Kodachi, dazed by the blow.
Zhu Shu yelled at the {Referee : referee,} "Kodachi's cheating!"
The {Referee : referee} looked at her. "So long as it's not a bare handed blow."
"She's using spiked clubs!" Zhu Shu yelled at the {Referee : referee}. She turned to
look, but as she did, the spikes snapped back into the club. "I don't see
any spikes." The {Referee : referee} called back.
"An ingenious attack from the crazy girl from Furinkan High! Is a second a
valid weapon?" The {Announcer : announcer} asked.
Kodachi looked down at her torn leotard and screamed. "You wretched girl!
Look what you have done!" She grabbed her clubs and swung repeatedly as
Ranma dodged and scuttled towards the edge of the ring. Then a pair of
ribbons wrapped around her waist and pulled her back in front of Akane.
"Now, now. Ranma is my {Fianc�e : fianc�e}. I'll do my own beating up." Akane giggled.
"But thank you for the kind thoughts." She leaned forwards and the entire
crowd ceased all noise as she kissed Kodachi on the lips.
"This match has... has taken a truly unexpected turn!! Can a kiss be
considered a bare handed blow? It certainly has set our {Champion : champion} reeling!"
Kodachi wiped the back of her hand across her lips, a lost look in her eyes,
then Akane giggled again and Kodachi's eyes flared. "So! Now you would toy
with my {Heart : heart}! Such insult cannot be allowed! You dreadful girl!" She
launched a furious assault on Akane, but Akane's ribbons kept intercepting
them. Akane skipped backwards as she sing-songed "Dachi and {Akane : Kane} sitting
in a tree-whups!" The rings ropes blocked her as Kodachi grabbed a hoop from
her second and screamed "I shall punish you!" as she threw the ring at
Akane's throat.
I think 'Kane' matches the sing-song delivery better with the same number
of sylables as 'Dachi'.
"My God!" yelled the {Announcer : announcer}. "It looks like she's using twenty clubs!
There's no doubt about it! The madwoman from Furinkan has definitely raised
Kodachi's ire as well as her hemlines!"
"And the truth is revealed!" The {Announcer : announcer} called, still clutching her mike
amid the wreckage Kodachi had made of her table. "She {: actually} was using twenty
clubs!"
"And Akane retreats!" the {Announcer : announcer} yelled. "But then that water does look
hot!"
"Is this it." The {Announcer : announcer} called. "Has Akane stripped Kodachi of not only
her clothing, but victory as well?"
Akane collapsed into tears as the shaky Referee stepped up to her and raised
Akane's hand. "And the winner is..." The {Announcer : announcer} spoke in a quiet voice.
"Is Akane Tendo."
"An aphrodesiac? Well, that explains that." The {Nurse : nurse} smiled. "She'll
probably not remember much of anything she did. Kind of a pity really.
Kodachi has needed a come down for awhile. It's amusing that she had a hand
in her own downfall. Still, I'd tell her to be careful. Kodachi's the type
to hold very long grudges and she was utterly humiliated.�"
* * * * *
The subject of the {Nurses : nurse's} comments sat in the locker room staring off into
space. She was still nude, the marks of the lashing she had received a
bright red against her skin. The other girls of the {Gymnastics : gymnastics} team cowered
around the room fearing her reaction when she finally moved. She had never
been a kind mistress, and every girl there had felt her ribbon in a manner
similar to what she had received at Akane's hands. They all feared her
wraith.
"So the {Nurse : nurse} said she'd be ok?" Kasumi asked Zhu Shu again. "That all the
effects would be gone when she awoke?
"I didn't, Kasumi. After what happened with the Dance, I didn't dare. And I
didn't teach her anything of my {Clan's : clan's} secret techniques.
Men simply were not appealing to her, if not so strongly as to be an actual
dislike. She had no more response to them sexually than she did to a rock.
Even Ranma, much as she liked to look at him when he was female, evoked no
interest. Zhu Shu had toyed with the idea when she had first met him, but
interest had died as he had proven that even as a girl, he was forever male.
{ :}Zhu Shu had become convinced she was doomed to a loveless marriage and
what amounted to giving her consent to being raped. She wanted to see her
friends happy because she was convinced she never would be. Duty wouldn't
allow it.
Akane mourned for her. She herself had always liked men, and had never even
thought about women until Zhu Shu had arrived. The thought of liking them
sexually had been alien to her, yet Ranma had awoken strange feelings in her
that Zhu Shu had helped her define. She liked men. Ranma had been right
about her taking a long look that first day, and as frightened as she was,
she had also been incredibly aroused. He'd been so good looking. Then, the
whole {Fianc�e : fianc�e} thing had gotten her riled, and she'd hated him for being
forced on her. What she had hated the most about Kuno and his idiotic
challenge had been the forced attentions she'd had to fight off. If Kuno had
just _asked_ for a date, she might have gone out with him.
She had to admit that while Zhu Shu had complicated her life enormously, she
had simplified it in some {way : ways} as well, ways which had confused her immensely{
:}. She would have bungled her relationship with Ranma, she was sure, and
taken who knows how long to recognize or even admit to herself that she
loved him, let alone that she loved him in either form. How long would she
have fought herself over that? Over admitting that his female side
fascinated her?
"Nope." Akane propped herself on the arm of the chair next to Ranma's legs
and looked up at her. "I'm fine. I'm just a little... well a lot... horny.
And I do remember you apologized. Think of this as my way of telling you
apology accepted. You aren't perfect Ranma Saotome, but then neither am I.
We both have a lot to learn to make this relationship work. You tend to be
thoughtless, and I, well, I do have a temper... but at least you're trying.
I love you, Ranma. I know that for a fact. Even if our fathers all of a
sudden called off our engagement, I'd still want you to be my husband. We
will make this work somehow. This ... was a promissory note. When we work
out our difficulties, and we finally get married ... on that day, and not
before, I will take you to my bed as a man, and have you be with me as a man
should. Until then ... well ... there _may_ be occasions where I will want
you to be with me like this. I've come to realize I like you as both a man
and a woman, Ranma. I want to be with you, but I won't risk being pregnant.
{ :}I will not dishonor our families that way. I just want you to know I want
this to work... I want us to work.
Ranma looked at Akane's face, the gentle smile she had, and thought about
what had passed in the last half hour. She had fought this curse tooth and
nail, but really, what could she truly say was different about her? She was
still Ranma, in either form. Zhu Shu had told her that there were times to
accept what couldn't be changed, to save your strength for fights that can
be won. If he was truly to believe Akane, this was a fight he might be
better off not fighting at all.
You need to decide again how to refer to Ranma in female form. Initially
you used male pronouns, but now you seem to be flipping back and forth. I
personally prefer to use the pronouns appropriate to Ranma's current
gender.
Standing beside Shan Pu, in full formal kimono, stood Nodoka Saotome, her
katana as always in hand, and her eyes told Ranma she knew about the curse.
Ranma stared in pure horror, frozen like a deer in headlights, shock
freezing her where she stood.
Ranma has not seen Nodoka since he was very young and shouldn't know
anything about the pledge his father made for him. There's no reason for
him to recognize her, let alone fear her. On the other hand, it may take
him a while to stop fearing Shan Pu.
"Yes, son." Nodoka said quietly. "The young lady who has just so ardently
refused to marry you, despite her obvious love for you, is the Blood-Sister
of Shan Pu, your second {Fianc�e : fianc�e}..."
You have mentioned Ukyo a couple times, but we haven't actually seen her
yet. I guess she's living in Juuban for now though.