Suggested changes: {before : after}
On Thu, 5 Sep 2002 00:57:04 -0400 (EDT) Frederick Herriot <fherriot@yahoo.com> wrote:
Here's the latest version of Part 5. I'm changing the
story's plot line from this point on to have Ranma and
Ataru NOT attend Furinkan High School in the week
before classes begin at Stargazer West College.
That's a slight shame, but understandable. I liked the part where Ataru
gave all the girls new gym outfits.
Ranma stops, then looks herself before a fresh bout of nausea
surges through her body. There {floated : floats} Shampoo, the top of her head
ripped away. Over there was Mousse, a big hole where his forehead
should be. Nearby was Nabiki, a jagged wound in her chest, no doubt
from a sword. A decapitated Kunou. Kodachi with a sword wound under
her breast, her throat ripped out. Souun chopped in half. And a sea
of shattered body parts and globs of human blood, a bodiless hand
holding a fifty-yen coin floating nearby. Hinako Ninomiya, Ranma
quickly concludes. What was left of her...
Ranma falls silent as she considers her doppelganger's
words. "**Oh, don't worry about what happened last night, Ranma,**"
Neko-Ranma snorts. "**Thanks to you learning how to manipulate
those null-time bubbles in Sanctuary, you saved their worthless
asses.**" A ho-hum look crosses her face. "**Then again, does it
really matter? We're going to be leaving these fools behind in a
week or so. And if they have a problem with that, well...**"
she shrugs, turning away from Ranma, "**...it's nice to know that we
can kill them all if we really {felt : feel} it necessary. Ne?**"
Ryuunosuke considers that, then sighs. "It probably ain't gonna
happen between them, Lan-chan. {There : Is there} some way to help Lum let him
go?"
Finally, the Principal nods. "You're right!" he points to
Negako, then gazes heavenward with determination. "The Big Kahuna's
been makin' himself too busy with that keiki Saotome ta think too
much about the REAL discipline problems here! Fine! Saotome's
the problem of whatever school you're gonna send him {too : to}! The Big
Kahuna's got bigger fish to fry!!"
Screams echo from the girls as the Hawaii-crazed school
administrator advances on them. A bell then makes the Principal
look up -- just as the front tire of Shampoo's bicycle {caves his head
in : slams into his head}! "Nihao!!" the warrior-maiden cheerily calls out as she drives
the Principal into the dirt, then she looks at the girls by the gate.
"Akane and friends lucky that Shampoo see Palm-Tree Man try to cut
hair off!" Her voice trails off on seeing the teary-eyed Akane
kneeling on the ground nearby. "Aiyah!! What happen to Akane?!"
Shampoo dismounts her machine, then walks over to kneel beside her
former rival. "Akane get into fight with someone?!"
"What foulness is THIS?!" the kendo team captain points
accusingly at him. "You, Gosunkugi!! How DARE you force Akane
Tendou to {cling off : clling to : hang off} YOUR unworthy arm?! Do you not know the Blue
Thunder's proclamation about that!! None, NONE may date the fair
Akane without defeating her in battle!! Release her from your foul
clutches this INSTANT or...!!"
Some distance away from where Tampopo Kamekichi once held court,
there is a large ladies boutique called Esmerelda's. The
proprietress of this place, a fortysomething Londoner named Esmerelda
Stevens, migrated to Tomobiki after the First Tag Race. In a short
time, almost EVERY girl of high school age in Tomobiki came to look
on Esmerelda's as THE number one "in" shop. Whatever trends in
fashion that burst across the pop scene got first airing here. You
can get almost ANYTHING, from day {ware : wear} to kimonos, from sports gear
to lingerie and swim wear, coming to Esmerelda's.
Tired moans escape his {eldest : elder} daughters, earning them a stern
look from Souun. Sayuri and Yuka keep their peace. Akane shudders,
unsure of what to say or think when thirty-six hours before, she had
gladly declared to both her father and Genma that she loved Ranma.
Suddenly, Kasumi perks. "Ah, we have a guest!" she rises, heading
to the front gate.
Akane fires Nabiki {an even : a hurt} look on hearing the latter address
Ranma with a more "feminine" term. "For the most part," Negako's
voice turns her attention back to the grandmistress. "'Good riddance
to bad rubbish.'"
"I gladly accept such a gift from you with thanks," Toofuu bows
as he takes the pizza from Shirayuki, then blinks on feeling
something tap his shoulder. "Eh?" he turns to see Betty now standing
behind him, {she :: she was} dancing and gyrating to some silent, peppy pop tune.
"Betty!!"
He stares wide-eyed at her. "To create a martial artist of
equal calibre to him? That could take YEARS, Kasumi-chan!!"
"{Not unless : Unless} we accept Ojii-san's and Negako-san's help," she
shakes her head. "Look how fast Ataru-kun was able to learn his
Art?! Granted, he had the advantage of having Negako-san actually
be PART of him, but he learned quickly. Surely we could get Ojii-san
to ask Negako-san to do the same for Akane-chan or Nabiki-chan.
Or perhaps both of them at once..."