Comments may be ignored as you see fit, of course.

This is a nicely written fic, but Tsuruko and to a lesser extent
Motoko are giving me fits with it.

	"I didn't do _anything_!" Ranma asserted, waving his hands before
himself 
defensively. "I was in charge of setting up practice dummies,
leading 
the youngest students in training, and Aniki helped me maintain the

grounds! But I never did _anything_ to your sister."

	"Such a pity," Tsuruko sighed. "But, he speaks the truth. Now, 
Motoko-chan, have you summoned me here simply because you were 
frightened of Ranma?"

I realize that you've said you're taking Tsuruko OOC in this fic, 
but she's a very happily married woman.

Also, I can't imagine Motoko summoning her sister to the Hinata-sou.
For one thing, Motoko at this point in the storyline adamantly
refuses to accept help from anyone. For another thing, she freaks
when her sister comes to visit. She ran away from the dojo to the
Hinata-sou to get away from her sister.

"I know why!" Mitsune announced gleefully, poking her head into
the doorway.

"You do? I mean, uh, yeah! She does!" Ranma encouraged, nodding
quickly at the woman. "She knows!"

"He doesn't want to you to leave him alone because you two are a
couple," she asserted, winking at Keitaro.

Kitsune to the rescue - better off left to the crocodiles. 

"It was worth the attempt," Tsuruko sighed, dropping her 
hands to her 
sides, and allowing Motoko to see again. "Now, though that _was_ 
certainly... educational... what's this about missing panties,
Motoko-chan?"

"What? Oh, right, the missing kisses," Motoko said. She paused,
blinking, and furrowed her brows. "Um. Missing panties."

hehe

Sighing, Ranma hung his head in defeat. "Why me?" he moaned. "Um, 
Tsuruko-chan, what happened was -- do you remember what I said
about Happosai?"

The woman's demeanor shifted instantly from the calm, playful grin
with 
eagerly watchful eyes, to a much more purposeful grin, with wiser
eyes. 
"I do, Ranma," she said regretfully. "Has he returned to taint your
life once more?"

Ah, so there is a glimmer of the real Tsuruko in her, after all.

"Ack!" Keitaro protested, closing his eyes. Naru was wearing
nothing more 
than a rather thin nightgown, nearly transparent, and a pair of
white 
cotton panties. "Um, Narusegawa, why aren't you wearing anything?"

"I'm wearing enough," she said simply.

Peeking through his fingers at her, and trying to allow himself to
only 
see her face, he asked, "Enough for what?" That question answered
itself 
quickly; she obviously knew how well he had done on the test, and
wanted 
to take the next step in their relationship. "Wait! Wait! Not like
this! 
Um, I mean, don't you want to wait before we do this?"

"Does it really matter?" Naru sighed. "I mean... there's nothing
wrong with familiarity. Not now, anyway."

"I still think you're rushing things!" he protested, unable to
admit that 
he didn't mind that much aloud. "Um, Narusegawa... can I talk to
you 
about something, first?" Even if she already knew how well he did
on the test, he had to tell her himself.

"I... okay," she mumbled. Climbing to her feet, she strode across
the 
room, grabbed a robe, and pulled it on over the thin nightshirt.
"Go ahead and tell me, Keitaro."

"Er... right," he said lowering his hand from before his face, and
smiling triumphantly. "Um, see, what I had wanted to tell you, 
Narusegawa, is that I owe you a lot for your help, because without
it, I would never have been able to--"

"No!" Naru yelled suddenly, tears forming in the corners of her
eyes. "I 
can't! I... go away, Keitaro! Leave me alone!"

"Eh... what?" Keitaro asked, backing towards the door quickly.
"What's wrong?"

"I thought... I thought...." She closed her eyes, shaking her
head. "I 
thought I was ready for it, but I can't hear it from you, Keitaro.
Not yet. Please leave!"

Although Naru was like this later in the manga (not sure about the
anime) I can see how recent events would have pushed her to that 
stage a bit early.

	Sniffling bravely, Motoko clutched the bags of clothing to herself
more 
tightly. The shoes were childish, with little stars and hearts all
over 
them, sparkly and multi-colored. The stockings came up to her
calves, 
hot pink and with a ruffle that ringed each of them neatly. Her
shirt 
was powder blue, emblazoned with a bright and cheerful 'Hello
Kitty' 
logo, though the pacifier on a chain, which hung from her neck,
obscured 
that. Beneath that, a matching blue skirt extended to just above
her 
knees, granting her the appearance of nothing more than an
exceptionally 
tall child. Shinobu looked more mature than she felt at the moment.

Tsuruko had even taken her sword away, and as a result, she tried
to 
hide herself behind the packages she was bearing.

This Tsuruko is a bit sadistic.

"Why didn't he laugh at me?" Motoko asked cautiously. "I...
thought he would find this punishment amusing."

"Perhaps he's not as wicked as you make him out to be," Tsuruko
said, 
slightly more sternly. "I am not doing this to you to be petty, 
Motoko-chan. Allow yourself to realize that."

Realize what? That she should kowtow to Ranma, a stranger who seems
to have put her sister under a spell of some kind? Sure, Motoko
doesn't relate well to boys, but Ranma hasn't done anything to help
Motoko accept him. Yet, Tsuruko seems determined to make Motoko
subservient to Ranma. This is the kind of thing which could drive
Motoko from the Hinata-sou, just as she left after losing a fight to
Keitarou the first time.

"I... don't understand," Motoko mumbled, face flushing with 
shame, and bowing her head.

Shame? I would expect her to react in fear (of her sister) and anger.
Motoko left home in the first place because she didn't want to become
what her sister wanted her to become. This kind of humiliation would
just strengthen her resolve to either leave the Shinmei-ryu all
together, or accept them only on her own terms. I'd expect her to
feel her sister was acting dishonorably, and to be suffering a bad
case of disillusionment and resentment.

	"I'm sure I will enjoy my stay," she deferred, a smile playing
about her 
lips. "Motoko-chan is embarrassed, but I was wondering if you could
show 
us to the hotsprings that she has written to me about so often."

Motoko writes to her sister? Since when? She'd be ecstatic if her
sister forgot she existed.

Motoko's face fell. "What am I doing wrong? Why are you so angry
with me, Aneue?"

	"Angry?" Tsuruko asked, bemused. "If I were angry with you,
Motoko-chan, 
you would know it. I am merely preparing you for a challenge you
have yet to face."

At least there appears to be some method to her madness. The question
is, has she already pushed Motoko too far for her to listen? 

"What sort of challenge?" Motoko asked apprehensively. Something
worse 
than sharing a home with two males? Being forced to wear such... 
girlish... clothing? 

The clothing wasn't girlish, it was childish. More degrading than
feminine.

Worse than her sister's seemingly pointless 
lessons? "I don't understand."

I'm wondering the same thing.

"Of you training Motoko-chan, Oe-san. You would be the best 
tutor she could have, this far from our own dojo."

Tsuruko is giving up the Shinmei-ryu?

"Oe-san, please give me my sword. It should not be sullied by the
touch of a man."

Motoko's beginning to sound like a broken record. This man-hating
plot element is wearing a bit thin.

"Oe-sensei," Tsuruko corrected. "And Oe-san, please do your best
to train her. I have faith in you."

	Ranma stared at the sword in his hands for a long moment, then
raised his 
eyes to look at Motoko. "Train her?" he said quietly. "Why are you 
asking me to do this, Tsuruko-sensei?"

	"I can think of no greater person for the task, Oe-san," 
Tsuruko said, bowing deeply to Ranma.

She's acknowledging another art form as superior to the Shinmei-ryu?
this could get her kicked out of the clan. I would think this would
stun Motoko.

"No!" the girl wailed. "I want my sword back, and to train with
Aneue!"

Motoko trains by herself, hence her presence at Hinata-sou. The last
person in the world she'd want to train with is her sister.


Most of my problems with this chapter revolve around Tsuruko. Other
than her tendency to beat up on Motoko, her personality here seems
opposite to her personality in the manga or even the anime. It seems
I'm having major suspension-of-disbelief problems every time this
Tsuruko opens her mouth.

Then, of course, there's this whining Motoko. Whatever happened to
the angel of destruction who had enough guts to leave Kyoto and her
clan rather than accept their plans for her against her will?

I'm not saying that this is a bad fic. The pacing and most of the
characterization is good. It's just Tsuruko and the Tsuruko-Motoko
interaction which prevents me from getting into it.

Brian Welch

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