Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer.
I've had some problems recently with authors
who have gotten a little . . .personal in their
response to my C&C. Hence, the following:

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. NOTHING
I say should be taken personally.  My comments
and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I 
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.
I C&C as if the story were going to be published
in the real world, for money. I'm suggesting
changes that, IMO, would make a better
story.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even 
professional editors make mistakes.  Different
people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps I am wrong.
Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care.
That's fine.  Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

I'll be glad to discuss issues regarding
writing and storytelling at length. 

BUT

Please don't get personal.
No sarcasm, cutting or denigrating
remarks. And no profanity. 
It wastes time better spend on writing.
If you think my C&C is so far off the mark,
just delete it, unread, and go on to something 
more interesting.

I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.

##########################################################


Adam Brown <a.brown10@shaw.ca> wrote:

<SNIP>

@@Disclaimer?
@@@@

    Tia walked down the dimly lit sidewalk with her boyfriend, John.
Or she thought it was a dimly lit sidewalk.  The alcoholic haze over her
vision made everything darker, and the snow on the ground made her steps
all the more unsteady.  Suddenly the world spun, and she found herself
pressed against a brick wall.  Before she could protest, John kissed her
passionately on the lips.  She moaned, and melted into his arms.  If
this could just go on forever-.  Her thoughts were interrupted by the
sound of crumbling mortar and a cry of alarm above them.  A second
later, something landed in the darkness of the alley with a loud thump
and an 'Oof!'  The two teenagers clung to each other, staring fearfully
into the dark.

@@OK . . .The HOOK is good, and you've got some nice
description in the Narrative.

Problem: It's a little jerky in spots.
EXAMPLE: "She moaned" "Her thoughts" in close succession.

Other than that, this is a good narrative.
As an alternate, you might _start_ with the
"crumbling mortar and cry of alarm" and eliminate or move
the narrative you've written to a later point in the story.
This would give you a much stronger HOOK. This is stylistic and
there are good arguments both ways.
@@@@

    "Let's get out of here!" whispered Tia.
    "No, they could be hurt," replied John,

@@A _tiny_ quibble here. If "The two teenagers clung to each other, staring fearfully . . ."
THEN, it seems to me they BOTH would be going "Let's get out of here."
Better, perhaps to have only ONE of the pair (Tia?) be fearful. John, being less afraid, would be more likely to say "No".

Also, as described "something landed". The "Oof!" gives some indication that
it's a person, but perhaps a little something else? (Groaned in pain, muffled oath.)I missed the "Oof!" on first reading. Though that might just be me. ^_^
@@@@

 looking up at the top of

the old building.  It was a good thirty to forty feet high.  Releasing
himself from his girlfriend's grasp, he took a few tentative steps
forward.  "Hello?" he called into the darkness.  "Anyone there?"  A
rustling sound greeted them, as the watcher made its way to its feet.
Glowing red eyes flared at them from the dark, and a deep growl could be
heard.  John gulped and stepped back to Tia.  "M-maybe you're right."
Before they could leave, however, the watcher stepped out of the dark
into the light.  

@@OK . . . "the watcher made its way"
I'm guessing that "watcher" is something from X-MEN?
Now "watcher" might be as familiar to the X-MEN afficionado
as "dog" would be to other people, instantly conjuring
up a mental picture. And, under normal circumstances you
wouldn't stop a story to describe a "dog".
In this case, even if you're writing for an audience
who will instantly know what a "watcher" is, you
can also clue in the clueless (me) by giving enough
explanation for the unknowing, but make it interesting
for those that know what a "watcher" is. It's not easy,
but I think you'll find it's good practice and will
add a certain richness to the narrative.
@@@@




Tia's jaw dropped and she gripped her boyfriend in

terror, and John's expression mirrored her own.  "I-it's the Monster,"
John whispered.  "It's the Monster!" he cried.  "Tia, run!"  The two
teenagers flew from the alley as though the devil was on their tail.
    The Monster raised its arm, trying to communicate, but the two
were gone before words could be spoken.  Sighing in disappointment, the
Monster claws dug into the side of the wall and climbed to the top of
the building.  Catching the air with its wings, it flew up into the
night, alone.

@@OK, now the "watcher" has become "the Monster"
Now, I'm guessing that "watcher" was descriptive only.
You need to change that, as it's a little confusing. 
What I said earlier goes now for "the Monster"
That assumes there is only ONE "Monster", that everyone
will be familiar with. Which seems to be true for your story.
However readers are not familiar with the "Monster", so
you need to add just a little bit to the narrative
here to make things clear.

EXAMPLE" "The Monster," John whispered in horror, instantly recognizing
the beast that had terrorized the city for months.


@@Just a little something like that, ID's the creature for the reader. More detail can be added as needed.

Now, just to be a troublemaker . . .If there's a "Monster" running around
the city, what th' heck are these two doing necking in a dark alley?
It CAN and DOES happen (Look at "Son of Sam" killings.) But, if there's a
monster running around that's so well know that "John" instantly recognized it, you need to put _that_ awareness into the beginning narrative, some place.

EXAMPLE:

Tia:" Let's get out of here."
John: "No, someone might be hurt."
Tia: "What . . .what if it's the 'Monster'" she squeaked, terrified of the
mysterious 'thing' that had terrorized the city for months.
John: "Don't worry. The 'Monster' has never crossed the river to this side
of the city. The paper said that's because it can't cross running water. We're  perfectly safe."

@@@@

@@Adding something like this to the narrative:
1)ID's "The Monster" quickly
2)Provides a rational for John (at least) to be necking in an alley. He has a reason not to fear the "Monster". He's wrong, but the reader understand why he's not afraid. Yet.
@@@@


@@Need a little something to segue to this change of scene.
Just a marker, like:

****** or +++++ or ^^^^^, etc. is sufficient. Just something to slightly break  the readers flow and let them know a change is coming up.

You can also put little scene headers:

Townsville Alley, 4:45 AM
OR
Three Days Later

to alert the reader to change of scene. (Tom Clancy does a lot of those)

Few things give me as much trouble as a segue, so I sympathize. 
@@@@

    "If you'll just wait in here, Mr. Harrison, the Professor will
be with you in a few minutes."  The door to the study opened, and a
young man with red glasses and brown hair entered, followed by an older
man wearing a good quality suit. 

@@This is where I love the Internet.^_*
At this spot I'd go online and do quick search on Men's Fashions and
give more detail on the suit. Rather than "good quality", which makes him
sound like "Horatio Alger" trying for a job, something like:

"blue pinstripe, slightly out of style"
OR
"Aramani suit of grey worsted wool, crisp cotton shirt and emerald green tie"

With the first description, you can give the impression of a conservative
individual who's not style conscious or perhaps of limited means.

The second - - -shows the individual had money? Or at least wants to appear he does. And somewhat an individualist, shown by the 'emerald green' tie. Or colour blind. ^_*


I hasten to add that I can NOT do this on the first draft. Sometimes not
until the tenth.( Heck, I'm posting  Lure the Tiger revision 10 and it's
STILL got more holes than the Battleship Yamamoto on April 7, 1945.

NOR am I trying to say that the author has to do it this way. I'm simply
trying to provide examples showing: If you do X then you get Y, but if you do M, then N happens.

In this case, the author can get more bang for his buck by using narrative, in this case describing physical appearance, to help build characterization.
@@@@



 The young man went to the desk and

pressed a button on an intercom panel inset into the desk.  "Professor,
Mr. Harrison is waiting for you in the study."
    "Thank you, Scott.  David, are you there?"
    David ran his fingers through his black hair, trying to forget
about the amount of grey in it.  "Yes, I'm here."
    "Good.  I'll be there in about five minutes.  I'm just finishing
a lesson with my students."
    "All right."
    Scott switched off the intercom.  "You want anything to eat or
drink?"
    "No, I'll be fine, thanks."
    "Okay."  Scott left the room, closing the door behind him.
    David took a look around the study.  It was paneled with dark
wood, and filled with old furniture and books.  Taking a book at random,
he sat on a couch on one wall and began to read.
    Almost exactly five minutes later, the door to the study opened,
and Professor Charles Xavier entered.  Despite being bound to a
wheelchair, the Professor managed to convey a dignity that matched his
title.  His bald head gleamed in the bright sunlit room, and, upon
seeing Dave, he grinned.
    "David!  It's good to see you, old friend!  How long has it
been?  Twelve, maybe thirteen years?"
    David stood, his grin matching his friend's.  "Thirteen at last
count."  Getting up, he took the outstretched hand.  Laughing he leaned
down and embraced Charles.  "God, it's good to see you!  How do you
manage to stay so thin in that chair?"
    Charles chuckled.  "By doing more physical work than you do," he
replied, looking pointedly at David's potbelly.
    "Well...yes," said David.  "To each his own, I suppose."
    Charles shook his head ruefully.  "Still the busy businessman.
You do run a multimillion-dollar corporation as I recall.  How's
Vanessa?  And Patricia?  I've been meaning to call you about them, but
I've never been able to find the time."
    David's smile turned a bit sickly, then faded.  Worry lines
etched themselves into his expression.  "I guess nobody told you."
David sat back down on the couch.  "Vanessa left me."
    Charles's eyebrows shot up.  "With Patricia?  When?"
    David sighed.  "Ten years ago.  She moved into California.  And
she took Patricia with her."
    "Why?"

@@@@

    David continued, ignoring Xavier's question.  "She won't talk to
me.  She moved into a cabin in the Rocky Mountains and doesn't take
visitors."
    "Well, we knew she liked the outdoors, but it sounds like she's
taking it to extremes.  Have you tried to go see them?"
    "How?  I can't risk letting people know about Patricia.  I've
been helping the pro-mutant lobby for almost fifteen years.  I've taken
hits for my position, but I've managed to weather the storm.  If the
public knew I had a daughter that was a mutant..."
    "You would be finished."
    "Yes.  And how could I help them if that happened?"

@@@@
Now this is GOOD stuff. Flows smoothly and naturally, just the right
tone. Excellent.

@@I'll make some minor quibbles.
1)You don't make clear to the reader who Patricia and Vanessa are. It's
confusing. I thought "Patricia" was David's wife.
2)ID David more explicitly. Not just generic businessman, but AeroSpace,
BioTech, Energy or something. Look at FORBES or similar financial magazine to see what labels they use.(That's what I do. ^)^ } And multi-billion dollar. A million isn't worth what it used to be. ^)*
3)IF David is helping the pro-mutant lobby so much, why hasn't he been in
closer touch with Xaiver?  Political allies usually stay in touch so they can plan strategy. I can think of a lot of reasons why David and Xaiver would NOT stay in touch. You just need to add that little bit to the narrative. From the set up you've already given, David might want to stay away from Xaiver to avoid being labeled as 'biased'. 

@@@@

    "So what do you want me to do?  You're taking a risk just coming
here."
    "I know.  But I'm concerned about Patricia.  She's been alone
with her mother all her life.  She's getting to the point where she
needs contact with others.  I'd like to bring her to the school."
    "And what does Vanessa think?"
    "I haven't talked to her.  Like I said, she's almost impossible.
To get a hold of, I mean."
    Charles smiled wryly.  "I see.  And you want me to go and talk
to her?"
    "Charles, you've known her for almost twenty years.  You
introduced us in college.  You were our best man.  You helped us after
Patricia's birth.  If she would listen to anyone, it would be you."

    Charles nodded slowly.  "Yes, I suppose she would.  All right,
David.  I'll go and see what I can do.  It would be good to see her and
Patricia again, too."

@@Good again. In a few words you've neatly tied David, Vanessa and Xaiver
together. And setup the next scene. Excellent.
@@@@

    David put one hand on Charles's shoulder.  "Thank you, Charles.
You don't know how much this means to me."
    "Oh, I think I do, old friend.  I think I do indeed."

@@ SEGUE
@@@@

    The Monster peered at her prey through the thick foliage that
separated them.  Drawing slow deep breaths, it stepped nearer, nearer.
Eyes narrowed, the monster fought to keep her reptilian tail still,
trying to hide itself from its target.  A rumble started deep in its
throat, and, with an animalistic cry of triumph, the monster pounced.
    The rabbit bolted, dodging left and right, trying to evade the
grasping claws.  The Monster took up the chase, barely managing to keep
up with the terrified animal.   Unfortunately, it slipped in the snow
and fell headlong into the dirt.  The rabbit accelerated and disappeared
into the underbrush.

@@Good. However, I'd change "it slipped". It seems awkward to me.
EXAMPLE:

  "The rabbit bolted and the Monster took up the chase. Terrified, the
rabbit dodged left, the Monster followed. The rabbit dodged right, the monster stayed right behind. Frantic, the rabbit suddenly reversed course. The Monster----hit a slick spot and was dumped on her keister."

@@@@
NOT the only way to do this. The point I want to make is:
1)rearrange your original chase scene. Alternate
Monster/Rabbit/Monster/Rabbit/Monster. This makes for a smoother flowing chase scene. There are other ways to do this, but this is the easiest.
2)Add a few descriptive words "terrified" "frantic" to describe the rabbits emotions and the reader fills in the rest. So you get more energy in the chase scene.
3)"dumped on her keister" A humorous segue, that introduces the Monster's
humanity by using "her".

@@@@

    Spitting dirt and leaves, Patricia got to her feet.  Her dark
blue-grey leathery skin was covered in loam and snow.  Her bat like
wings were folded against her back, and her tail twitched in agitation.

@@Good description. 
I'll make a tiny suggestion. You've used "her feet" her dark" Her bat like" and her tail" 

  EXAMPLE:
  
  Spitting dirt and leaves, Patricia got to her feet, long leathery tail
twitching in agitation. Bat-like wings extended and closed with a snap, the blast of air blowing away the loam and snow that covered her blue-grey skin.

@@Again, NOT the only way to do this, simply and example of integrating action and description into the narrative. This is the sort of thing that usually takes me five or six revisions to get right. Narrative and description don't come easily to me. Generally I write the dialogue and some rather brief description, then go back and fill in the details later. I _know_ what's going on, it just takes me a while to find the right words to describe it.
@@@@

Brushing dirt and snow off of her light grey tee shirt and out of her
long black hair, she glared where the rabbit had disappeared.  "Stupid
rabbit," she muttered to herself.  Walking back to her ambush point, she
picked up a rope with four dead rabbits tied to it and slung it over her
shoulder.  "I guess four rabbits'll have to do," she said.  She was
about to head home, when the sounds of people crashing through the
underbrush reached her ears.  Alarmed, she scrambled up the nearest
tree.  Unfortunately, it did not go high enough for her wings to catch
the wind.  She settled down in the tree and was absolutely motionless,
hoping whoever was out there would go away.

@@ VERY GOOD! Excellent integration of dialogue and narrative.
@@@@

    "I'm tellin' ya Chuck, I heard something."  The young man
gripped his hunting rifle and quickly made his way down the hill through
the forest.
    His friend, Chuck, shook his head.  "It was probably a bear or
something.  We're not here to hunt bear, Danny.  Leave it be."  Keeping
his rifle shouldered, he followed his friend down the treacherous slope.

@@OK. A few tiny items.
1)Don't need "his friend". You can leave it. It's perfectly correct. I just think it flows more naturally without it.
2)If you're going down a "treacherous slope", you're going to 'sling' your
rifle, to keep both hands free.
3)OK, they've almost got to be in Northern California. (Since you mentioned California earlier? Unless Patricia is hunting far from home? BTW, does she have a valid state hunting licence? ^_* There's possibility for humor in that.

CHUCK & DANNY: "AAAAAA, it's a blood thirsty MONSTER!"
PATRICIA-MONSTER: "HEY! I've got a hunting licence, buster. AND, I was number two in my Hunter Education class, right behind Wolverine."

4)Chuck and Danny are probably after Elk or Blacktail deer. I'm guessing that they are moving TO or FROM their hunting stand. (Generally you pick a spot by a game trail and wait. But I'd have to do more research, as I'm not familiar with hunting in California. If that's where this is taking place.
The line would probably be:
  "We don't have a bear tag, Danny. Leave it be."

check
http://www.redding.com/specials/recreation/2002/hunting/stories/20020520hold069.shtml

for more detail on when and where they would have to be.

@@@@

    "Well maybe you can tell me what kind of bear leaves tracks like
this?" Danny called.

@@BOOBOO: "C'mon Yogi. Mr. Ranger isn't going to like this.
@@@@

    Chuck could not believe his eyes.  In the snow were deep four-
fingered claw marks along with some other three-toed impressions in the
dirt behind the first set.  Under a tree, he could see where a deep
furrow of earth and snow had been dug up, probably by something that had
been moving fairly quickly.  "What the hell-?"
    "Yeah, that's what I'm wondering.  Do you suppose it was
the...Monster?"
    "What, are you kidding?  That's just a story, like Bigfoot."
    "What about all the pictures?"
    "What pictures?  Most of them've been proven to be fakes.
Whatever made this, it wasn't the monster."
    Danny sighed with disappointment.  "Yeah, you're probably
right."  The pair began to walk back up the hill.

@@????
They don't know what it is, but they KNOW it's not "The Monster"?
(You need to establish the Monster has a nation wide reputation some
time earlier. OR locate your opening scene and establish geographic link
to this hunting scene. So far I'm rather lost in time and space. Just add
a little something to the narrative.)

This scene seems a little forced:

EXAMPLE:

Chuck looked at the huge three toed track and the deep furrows in the tree
trunk. The .240 that was more than adequate for Blacktail deer left him
feeling a little under-gunned for whatever made _that_ kind of track. 
Grabbing Danny by the shoulder they backed hastily away.


OR

PATRICIA-MONSTER: "Have you seen a flying saucer? I forgot where I parked."
CHUCK & DANNY" <Dumbly shaking their heads 'no'>
PATRICIA-MONSTER: "Darn. Well, thanks anyway." <Walks off into the woods,
thinking> "suckers!"

OR
They might very well decide it's a hoax as you suggested. But you need to
tweak the narrative & dialogue a bit.
Perhaps something along the lines of:

CHUCK: "I bet it's that bunch from the college. They did all those crop
circles last year that spelled out the name of their fraternity when they got finished."

@@@@

    Patricia watched as the two hunters walked up and over the top
of the hill.  Letting go of the breath she had been holding, she peered
through the snow-covered canopy, trying to see any sign of the hunters.
Failing, she relaxed.  That Danny sounded like a whiner, but Chuck
sounded nice enough, she thought to herself.  She guessed that they were
probably only a couple of years older than she was, maybe seventeen or
eighteen.

  She was suddenly gripped by the desire to glide into the air

and spy on them.  Chuck seemed like a sensible person, she though.  He
would probably react well to meeting-.
    She stopped in mid thought, and leaned back against the trees
she was in.  What was she thinking?  She was a mutant, and they were
humans.  They would probably try to shoot her the moment she first made
an appearance.  She sighed and stood.  Jumping to a taller tree she
climbed to its top, where the winds were strong enough to take her
aloft.  Looking back to where the hunters had disappeared, she felt a
welling of loneliness deep inside her.  She would never get the chance
to meet 'normal' people.  Even her father had abandoned her.  All she
had were her mother and herself.  Leaping to a taller tree, she climbed
and leapt into the air.  Catching the wind with her wings, she rose high
into the air and turned towards home.

@@GOOD. helps develop characterization of Patricia and sets up coming
confrontation with Xavier and her mother.
@@@@

@@ SEGUE or at least a 'page/scene break' to delineate the change in scene. 
@@@@

    "Well, well, well, if it isn't Charles Xavier," said Vanessa
sardonically.  She glanced up at the other four people with him.  "Who
are your friends?"
    "Hello, Vanessa.  This is Scott Summers, Jean Grey, and Kurt
Wagner.  I must say you're looking well."  She looked more than well.
Her dark brown hair had been lightened by years in the sun, while her
skin had been darkened.  Her clothes could have been used in a cowgirl
magazine photo shoot, from her hat to her leather jacket, to her dusty
denim jeans.  The rifle slung over one shoulder also helped.

@@Good.
@@@@

    "Living on your own tends keep you fit.  I'd invite you inside,
but I get the feeling you won't be staying long." 

@@Nice sharp dialogue. Exactly conveys emotion that you want for this scene.
Good.
@@@@

 The cabin was large,

larger than Charles expected it to be.  Behind it was a two-story
building that was too small to be called a barn, but large enough not to
be called a shack.
    One of Charles's eyebrows shot up.  "Oh?  I'd have though we
would have a lot of catching up to do."
    "Not if you've been talking with David, we don't.  He's been
trying to get a hold of me lately, and I keep ignoring him.  I can
ignore you, too.  Or more than ignore."  Vanessa hefted the rifle in a
menacing manner.
    Immediately Scott, Kurt and Jean were on alert, glaring
intensely at the older woman.  Charles just shook his head.  "Vanessa,
you don't need to do something like that."
    As the two continued to trade words, Jean began to feel a
prickling sensation, like someone was watching them.  She looked around,
but could not see anything.  Closing her eyes, she psi-scanned the area.
It was not long before she picked out the mind spying on them.  Sending
out a light mental probe, she picked the name of the watcher out of its
mind.  She then shifted her attention to the Professor.  [Charles,] she
said telepathically, [Patricia is watching us.]
    Charles glanced back at Jean.  Doing a quick scan, he confirmed
Jean's finding, and then held up one hand, stalling Vanessa in mid-word.
"Since the eventual topic of this discussion is, if we can finish with
the theatrics that is, your daughter, why doesn't she join us?"
    "What?" asked Vanessa, confused.
    "She's watching us," said Jean.  "From the bushes to our right."
    Vanessa frowned.  "What do you want with my daughter, Charles?"
she asked.
    "Can we talk about it inside?"
    Vanessa stared at him for several moments.  "All right," she
said finally.  Vanessa looked beyond them, into the bushes.  "Patricia,
come on out!"
    Nothing.
    "Don't be afraid," called Charles.  "We won't hurt you."
    Still nothing.
    "Patricia..." called Vanessa again.  This time her voice held a
hint of a threat.
    Patricia stepped out of the bushes, looking warily at the group.
    "Cool!" exclaimed Kurt.  His dark eyes were bright with
excitement, and his German accent was thicker than usual.  "She looks
like a gargoyle from TV!"  Kurt vanished with a 'bamf' sound and a puff
of smoke, and reappeared beside Patricia.  Not quite touching her wings,
Kurt asked, "Do they really work?"
    Patricia cried out in alarm and dropped the rabbits she had been
carrying.  Quickly dancing out of the young mutant's reach, she growled
at him, her eyes turning a bright red.
    "Charles-" started Vanessa.
    "Kurt, please!" admonished Charles.
    Kurt grinned sheepishly.  "Sorry."  He vanished and reappeared
beside Scott.
    Picking up the rabbits, Patricia went to her mother's side, all
the time staring at Charles and his group.  "Mom, who are these people?
What do they want?"
    "Old friends, Patricia, and they want to talk.  Let's go
inside."

@@EXCELLENT! Best yet. Just the right blend of dialogue and narrative
to bring the scene and characters to life. VERY well done. Great, great,
great. This is real story telling!
@@@@

    Patricia watched in amazement as Charles floated through the
front door, held aloft by the power of Jean's mind.  Jean set him down
on a large couch in the living room.
    "Sorry about the stairs," said Vanessa.  "We don't get very many
people in wheelchairs up here."
    "That's all right," replied Charles.
    "Patricia, could you get us some chairs for the others?" asked
Vanessa.  Patricia yanked her attention away from Jean and got some
chairs.  Once they were all settled, Vanessa spoke.  "You've got a
talented bunch with you, Charles.  One who teleports, and a second who
can move stuff with her mind."  She looked over at Scott.  "What do you
do?"
    "Uhh...I couldn't really demonstrate here," said Scott.  "I'd
probably damage something."
    Vanessa hmphed and turned back to Charles.  "So, what does David
want?"
    "He's concerned about Patricia."
    Vanessa snorted.  "Since when?  That idiot cares more about his
power and money than us."
    "I think he's more concerned about the good he can do with his
money and power.  His help over the years has been invaluable in
advancing mutant rights.  And according to him, he's been using his
money to look after the two of you as well."
    Vanessa glared at Charles.  "He has, but he hasn't been here for
me and definitely not for her," she said, pointing at Patricia, who was
sitting uncomfortably on a dining room chair.
    "As I recall, you left him."
    "He didn't even try!"
    "He's trying now."
    "It's a bit late."
    "It's never too late, and you know it.  Remember you and your
parents?"
    "That's not fair, Charles," she said through gritted teeth.
    "Yes, it is.  But this is all beside the point.  This isn't
about David; it's about Patricia.  David is concerned about his
daughter's social upbringing.  She's all alone with no one but you.  She
has to learn how to interact with other people."
    "So he wants to take her with him, is that it?"
    Charles shook his head.  "No.  I have a school for mutants in
Westchester, New York.  Scott, Jean and Kurt are students.  David asked
me to enrol her in the school.  There, she'll have contact with others,
at first other mutants.  Eventually, she'll interact with humans at the
local high school."
    Patricia held her breath.  The possibility of meeting others was
both electrifying and terrifying at the same time.  She could not decide
what would be worse, going or staying.

@@Also VERY good.
@@@@

    "Look at her, Charles!" said Vanessa scathingly.  Patricia's
hopes were dashed to pieces.  "She'd be recognized as a mutant in an
instant.  Crowds would be howling for her blood."
    "Not necessarily.  Kurt?"
    "Ja, Professor?"
    "Could you deactivate your holo-projector?"
    "Okay."  Fiddling with some controls on a band on his wrist,
Kurt's human guise vanished to be replaced with a lithe elf with fine
dark blue fur and a barbed tail.  He waved his hand at Vanessa and
grinned.
    "Kurt uses a holo-projector I've designed to hide his true
appearance.  Patricia would get one of these as well.  We'd need to do
some work on it to extend the effect to include her wings and tail, but
I'm confident that eventually, she could have an active social life."
    "Please consider it, Mrs. Harrison," said Jean earnestly.
"She'd be with mutants who are her own age.  She'd be around people who
understand what she's going through, people who could help her deal with
everything that's happening to her."
    Vanessa's eyes narrowed dangerously.  "Are you saying I don't
understand, Miss Grey?  I was a teenager once, too.  I went through my
rebellious stage.  I'm surprised Patricia hasn't started yet."
Patricia's skin darkened as she blushed.

@@Good.
@@@@

    "In a way, I don't think you do," replied Charles.  "You're also
a mother.  Now I' not a father, but these kids have given me a grey hair
or two." Charles smiled.  "Figuratively speaking, of course.  When
you're in that kind of a position it's hard sometimes to think straight,
especially when you're wrong and they're right.  You're trying to do
your best, but it's because you care that you make mistakes."
    There was a long moment of silence as Vanessa digested what
Charles said.  Eventually, she shook her head.  "No.  I can't allow it,
Charles.  I'm not going to risk her life because her 'father', who
hasn't seen her in almost ten years, is suddenly concerned for her well
being."
    "You can't stay up here forever," said Charles.  "We spent a few
days in town.  They've managed to build up quite a tourist industry
around the 'Monster.'  More and more people have seen Patricia.  It's
just a matter of time before her existence becomes fact instead of
fiction.  You can't keep her secret indefinitely."
    "I could of those yahoos stayed of my land!" she retorted
angrily.  "You've seen the only picture of her, right?"
    "I was hard to miss," replied Scott.  "They had eight by ten
posters of it in virtually every store.  How did someone take a picture
of her while she was taking a bath at a pond?"
    "He snuck up on me," said Patricia quietly, her eyes downcast.
"He was downwind, and I couldn't smell him.  I heard him, though.  I
managed to throw a rock and knock him out.  I escaped, but unfortunately
he'd already taken the picture."
    "And what happens?" continued Vanessa.  "The guy was from
Hollywood on vacation.  A year later, they've got some cartoon called
'Gargoyles,' with creatures that look almost just like her on it.  If
the 'Monster' tourism was running before, it exploded when that
happened.  Now it's a constant fight to keep every nutball that wants to
get a look at the 'Monster' from trespassing on *my* land!"

@@Ummmm. . . I'm not crazy about 'throw a rock and knock him out."
it's VERY hard to actually knock someone out. A blow like that could easily have killed, would at the least have caused major damage. And, why not take his camera and film? 
Also, don't like the "Gargoyle" cartoon reference as given. It or something like it is workable, but you need to put more effort into bringing it across to the reader. This section seems rushed.
@@@@

    "You mean she *is* like a Gargoyle?" blurted Kurt, excited.
"Awesome!"  Charles glared at the young mutant, and Kurt subsided.
    "All the more reason for her to leave," said Jean.
    "Oh no!  You're not getting me into that argument.  It's
difficult, but I manage.  Aside from a few planned 'sightings' outside
our borders, Patricia doesn't leave my territory.  So there's no problem
there."
    The X-Men looked at each other, perplexed.  "That's not what we
heard," said Scott cautiously.  "There was an article in the local paper
of a couple being attacked by Patricia in town three days ago.  The
people were practically in a frenzy."
    "Impossible!" snorted Vanessa.  "She'd never do a stupid thing
like that."  Patricia flinched, but Vanessa was focused on Scott and
missed it.  Charles, Jean, and Kurt did not.
    "Is this true?" asked Charles, turning to Patricia.  She licked
her lips nervously.  She tried to speak but no sound came out.
    Her mother frowned.  "You didn't go to Ridgecrest did you?"  No
answer.  "Did you?" she demanded a second time.  Vanessa tried to meet
her daughter's eyes, but Patricia looked away.  "You did!  Why?!  After
all the work we've gone through to keep you a secret-!"
    "I don't want to be a secret!" blurted Patricia.  She
immediately put her hands over her mouth, horrified at revealing her
hidden yearning.
    "What?" asked Vanessa stiffly.
    "I...I don't want to be a secret.  I'm...I'm lonely up here all
by myself.  I don't have any friends.  And all I ever see are trees and
mountains.  Until three days ago, I'd never seen Ridgecrest, and I've
lived within an hour's flight for almost all my life!  I didn't know
what a movie theatre looked like, a mall, I've never even been in a
corner store!  Mom...I...I want to go with them."  She looked down at
the ground.  "I'm sorry," she said miserably.

@@GOOD. Nicely done.
@@@@

    Vanessa had turned pale during Patricia's confession.  Bowing
her head, she said "I though I would be enough for you."
    "Parents are never enough, Vanessa," said Charles gently.
"We're social creatures.  We need contact with others.  If you stay
here, Patricia will continue to try to meet others, perhaps
disastrously.  Either that or go crazy.  You can't isolate the two of
you and stay sane."
    Vanessa chuckled, trying to find some humour in the situation,
but not really succeeding.  "I don't think were all that bad off."
    "You'd be surprised, Vanessa.  I can see the effects your
isolation has had on you."
    She looked at him.  "Oh?"
    "Well for starters, you were never this protective of Patricia.
It's almost an obsession.  When I arrived, you greeted me with cynicism
and suspicion.  Not the reaction I expected after I helped save
Patricia's life."  Patricia gasped in surprise, and he turned to her and
smiled.  "You all gave us quite a scare for the first few months you
were alive.  After you were born, we discovered you had malformed
kidneys.  We didn't know if you would survive or not"
    "Really?  What happened?"
    "We decided to trust in your body's ability to use ultraviolet
radiation to heal itself.  We removed your kidneys, put you on dialysis,
and put you under a UV lamp twenty-four hours a day.  You didn't like
it, but your body responded wonderfully.  In less than a week, you had
re-grown a new set of kidneys that were in perfect condition."

@@Ummmm . . .either too much or too little explanation. IMO, drop the
bit about "UV" radiation. Either that or go into a lot more detail.
Better to leave it ambiguous for now. Unless it's a critical plot point. In which case, more detail. Trying to explain 'magic' or 'warp drive' is always tricky. IMO, it's best to be as vague as possible when describing things that don't really exist. At least when talking about how things work. WHAT they DO, is a different matter. 
@@@@

<SNIP>

SUMMARY:
VERY good to brilliant in spots. 
You need to smooth out the narrative, elaborate on some things
as well. Simple editing will take care of most of the problems.
You did a wonderful job once you got everybody at the cabin.
 

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