[FFML] Re: [fic][SM] To Stand Alone, Chap 6


Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer.
I've had some problems recently with authors
who have gotten a little . . .personal in their
response to my C&C. Hence, the following:

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. NOTHING
I say should be taken personally.  My comments
and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I 
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.
I C&C as if the story were going to be published
in the real world, for money. I'm suggesting
changes that, IMO, would make a better
story.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even 
professional editors make mistakes.  Different
people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps I am wrong.
Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care.
That's fine.  Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

I'll be glad to discuss issues regarding
writing and storytelling at length. 

BUT

Please don't get personal.
No sarcasm, cutting or denigrating
remarks. And no profanity. 
It wastes time better spend on writing.
If you think my C&C is so far off the mark,
just delete it, unread, and go on to something 
more interesting.

I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.
##########################################################
Aishuu Shadowweaver <mbsilvana@yahoo.com> wrote:


EMSiT Productions Presents:
To Stand Alone
by: Una Moonstar and Quicksilver
standard disclaimers

Notes:  Previous Parts are available at Aria's Ink,
FF.net, or the ESML Lair: http://demando.net/emsl

~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~
Chapter Six: When Something Works
~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~

@@ Disclaimer???
@@@@
<SNIP> Some really GOOD dialogue, and some less than good dialogue.
Narrative a little on the sparse side.


  "What, there's another method?  So far stealing the
nijizuishou during monster attacks has been working
pretty well."

  "We've been lucky so far... aside from your friend,
no one's been hurt seriously."

@@Now _this_ is an amazingly cold and/or thoughtless
thing to say. I'd add a little something to the narrative
to indicate one or the other or both.
@@@


  "I wasn't Sailor Moon until after Naru died," Usagi
said softly.  So we're batting 1000," Usagi snapped.

@@ "softly" followed by "snapped" seems a bit incongruous.
One or the other. Or perhaps something like::
"I wasn't Sailor Moon until after Naru died," Usagi said
with dangerous softness.
@@@@

  Mamoru winced.  He had forgotten how sensitive Usagi
was about the subject of Naru.

@@Now . . .is Mamoru an idiot? Or insensitive? Or just
focused on his own needs? (Selfish/self-centered?)
Again, a little something in the narrative to
show the reader the 'characterization' behind this.
This line of Mamoru's 'sounds' as if he's talking
about Usagi's 'bad haircut' rather than the death
of Naru.
@@@@

"We could miss one,

and that'd be hard to recover.  The next one to appear
is the blue nijizuishou- maybe we should think of some
other way to find it."

  "And how do we get it out?" Usagi asked.  "Stab the
carrier?"

@@<BG> very nice
@@@@

@@I like Usagi's dialogue for the most part. And she'd got
a pretty distinctive 'voice' if a little undeveloped.

I do NOT like Mamoru's dialogue. And he doesn't have much of a voice.
Or rather, his voice isn't really much different from Usagi's. I should be able to read a piece of dialogue w/o a name attached and tell - - from the line of dialogue - - who said it.
@@@@


  Mamoru was quiet for a moment..  "I don't like it,
but it looks like we're going to have to wait for the
monster attacks."

There was a long silent pause where the two teenagers
just looked at one another. "Well?" Mamoru finally
asked.

"Well what?" Usagi returned.

"Why didn't you say anything? What's your opinion?"

The blonde couldn't help but grin. "Oh, I was just
thinking that a line like that was like inviting a
monster attack, so I was waiting for the telltale
signs. Otherwise I'm thinking there's nothing else to
do. We don't know where to find the Dark Kingdom, so
we have to wait for them to come to us."

Mamoru chuckled. "You're right, Usagi, now that I
think about it. That line was a perfect set up line,
wasn't it?"

"Would have been for the TV series."


@@Ummmm . . .For the first time in this chapter,
the dialogue jarred me out of the story. It sounds
a little too pat, a little too contrived. It's very
artificial sounding.
@@@@

@@I'll also bring up 'narrative'. There isn't any.
Now, I'm an advocate of sparse narrative, sharp and well
integrated into the dialogue. That's because good narrative
is HARD to do. Tolkien or Auel can write 1500 words describing
food preparation or walking down a forest path and keep it
interesting. But that's HARD to do.

However this story could use more narrative to help the reader
get an idea of the physical environment. Where are they? What does
it look like? Use words to engage ALL the senses, sight, sound, smell, touch.

And to show what the characters are feeling. Shaking with rage, trembling
with fear, crying with joy. That sort of thing. Otherwise you've got
disembodied voices talking in a void.
@@@@


"So, what do we have here?" a new voice said
suggestively. "A new pair of love birds?"

"Don't even *go* there, Motoki," the ebony-haired
young man growled threateningly.


@@OK, good example of working narrative into the dialogue.
However, it might be better to put this bit
with the 'hair' in a place where noting the hair
would be more natural. Usagi noting his hair. Or during
an action scene when Mamoru's hair is messed up
during a fight.

EXAMPLE:

Usagi thrilled as the ebony-haired mystery man's leapt to her rescue.

OR

Mamoru's hand came away from his scalp, sticky with blood and clumps of ebony-hair.


@@@@

@@ In this scene, it might be more appropriate to use something like 'eye colour', since Mamoru is looking at Motoki, or even his tone of voice since he's speaking here.
Also, I first assumed that the 'ebony hair' was describing Motoki, so you might won't to rephrase this or just change it to Motoki's description. Especially since you're just bringing him on stage,
while Usagi and Mamoru have been on stage a while. You've  had plenty of opportunity to describe them earlier.
@@@@


<SNIP>

  Mamoru watched them leave.  "What is it about Reika,
Usagi, that has you so on edge?"


@@Awkward. Sounds like the Reika Usagi is ONE name
@@@@


  Usagi pulled out the Crescent Wand, which was still
beeping lightly, though its intensity had decreased. 
"Look," she said.

  Mamoru looked at it.  "Not good.  And when you
touched her?"

  "Waves of dark energy."

  "You think...." He trailed off, not wanting to
believe that his best friend's girlfriend was one.

@@@@
  "Nijizuishou carrier.  Makes things easier, in a
way.  Problem is, we don't know how to get the damn
thing OUT," Usagi grumbled.

"Hmm," Mamoru murmured thoughtfully. "The wand can
detect the carriers, obviously."

"Too bad we didn't know about *that* little function
earlier," Usagi said with a scowl.

@@@@@

@@This is an example of your BEST dialogue.
Smooth, natural sounding by-play/interaction
between two characters. AND, distinctive 'voice'
Usagi: rough and impatient.
Mamoru: thoughtful, intellectual.
The narrative _shows_ the characterizations.
Usagi: grumbled, scowl
Mamoru: murmured, thoughtfully

@@THIS is wonderfully done and exactly
what you want.
@@@@

<SNIP>

You got MUCH better with giving Mamoru and Usagi
distinctive 'voice' toward the end of the chapter.
When editing your drafts you might want to pay
particular attention of checking 'voice' to make
sure you are consistent throughout the chapter.

Usagi seems very well developed. The other characters
less so.

Dialogue is good, but uneven. You alternate between
segments that are wonderful, and passages of dialogue
that are less wonderful.

Narrative:???
Think about your story as if you are following
Usagi and Mamoru around with a video camera.
In this chapter, you left the lens-cap on. ^_^
After you've got the dialogue done, go back
through and try to add the environment. Try to
act as if you were in the scene with Mamoru and Usagi.
THEN, write down what you see, hear, feel and taste.
Take notes on Usagi, what she looks like, her body language
tone of voice, etc. Then, put it into words and integrate it
into the story. Do the same for all the characters.
You'll have to decide what narrative is needed to move the
story and what is not.

I hope this has been useful

As always, write what you want, the way you want. ^_*

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