Hi,
comments @@



<SNIP>

(You'd hyphenate when using these phrases as modifiers, e.g. "Genma is
the best at finding mares-milk-flavored drinks even when they're
goat-herd-owned.")

the middle of a snow-storm, half-way between hell and

snowstorm (single compound word)
halfway (ditto)

nowhere as they were slogging through Kazakstan, looking
for the Hidden-Masters of the Swallow-fights-Tiger style.

for the Hidden Masters of the Swallow-fights-Tiger style.
(or)
for the Hidden-Masters-of-the-Swallow-fights-Tiger style.
(Not sure how you mean this; if they were looking for a technique named
by the entire phrase, punctuate it the second way above; if they were
looking for a group of people named the Hidden Masters, do it the first
way. If they're not named that but just happen to *be* hidden, and
happen to be masters of that technique, use the first, but take off the
capitals on "Hidden Masters.")

@@Huh? <G> OK . . .ummmmm . . .of course, by the time I figure out what
YOU mean, then recall what I was TRYING to write, Ranma and Genma will
have frozen to death. ^_*

Actually, it's the masters of the "Swallow-fights-Tiger" who are hidden.
SO . . .hidden masters of Swallow-fights-Tiger style. Would be correct?

I wonder if it would help if I started writing in Esperanto?
@@@@

<SNIP>

the young martial artist turned his smile up a notch with
practiced ease, noting how Kasumi's colour deepened.

Unless you're intentionally using British-style spellings, "color".

@@I can't help it. I was corrupted by British literature as a youth.
If it doesn't have the 'u' it looks funny. 
@@@@

   "Have some of this steamed-custard," Nabiki
offered, a little breathlessly. She'd never _seen_ such a
gorgeous boy in her life. And his careless speech and style
of dress, so different from all the Fuurinkan _boys_, gave

Furinkan
(the "u" in this name isn't a long vowel, so it doesn't get an extra u
even when using the "extra-u" romanization)

@@Don't blame ME for this one. I got it off a Ranma FAQ on line. ^_^
Of course, being dyslexic, THEY might have spelled it correctly and I just SAW
it wrong. I'm especially bad with lowercase u,l, i and o for some reason.
@@@@

<SNIP>

Suggest offsetting the parenthetical phrase more with a longer pause:

behind Soun -- *like a retainer in a samurai movie*, came the unbidden
thought -- and held

(or)

behind Soun (*like a retainer in a samurai movie*, came the unbidden
thought) and held

@@Actually had it the second way and "corrected" it during a revision. 
@@@@

RANMA: Wow, I didn't know they even had any orthodontists in those
movies.

GENMA: They sure did, and thash the tooth.

@@<GROAN>
@@@@

<SNIP.>

   "Father," Kasumi said softly, "You don't really want

softly, "you
(or)
softly. "You
(can either start a new sentence there or not, but need to be
consistent)

@@Consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. B. Shaw (I think)
@@@@

   "Friend Tendou!" Genma said over-loudly, "Friend
Tendou! Surely you are not going to let the women of you
house dictate to you." He shot Kasumi a venomous look
that caused her to recoil slightly.

SOUN: Am I?

KASUMI: Tell him no, absolutely not.

SOUN: No, Saotome. Absolutely not.

@@ROTFLOL!!!! I WISH I could work that into the story!
@@@@

   "Now then," Genma relaxed slightly, satisfied that

then."

he'd put the girl in her proper place. "let's honor the spirits

"Let's

and toast the joining of our houses." He took a generous
pull from his bottle, not wanting to take any chances with
the spirit world himself. "With Ranma's talent and your

There's a play on the two different meanings of "spirits" that's dying
to be made here, but it's too obvious even for me. ^_^;;

@@That's why I did it that way. ^_^
@@@@


<SNIP>

   "It's my doujou." a quiet voice interjected from the

A
(caps for new sentence)

   "What do you mean, 'your doujou'!" Genma's voice
cracked and he stared at the girl who had been almost
invisible throughout the dinner. "Tendou, what does she
mean?"

SOUN: Well, Saotome, "my" is an indicator of personal possession and/or
ownership, and....

GENMA: Oh. Right.

@@<VBG>
@@@@
<SNIP>

   "Win the All Japan Tournament?" Genma chuckled
at the thought. "That's so cute, Tendou." he slapped his old

He

   "What's so funny about that." Akane delivered in a

that,"
(I assume the lack of a question mark is intentional to reflect the
intonation, but you can't use a period there because the explicit
attribution continues the sentence.)

@@I'll have to get my wife to translate that for me. She speaks
fluent Grammar.
@@@@

flat monotone.

Suggest: in a monotone. (Aren't all monotones flat?)

@@Oh, no. You've got your ellipsoid, oblate-spheroid, and
Rheinman Hypercube monotones.
@@@@

<SNIP>

   Genma was drunk enough to get angry and angry
enough to do something stupid. Furious at the deliberate
insult he lunged to his feet, Ranma only a fraction of a

insult, he

Not sure whose POV this is supposed to represent. Genma wouldn't be
thinking clearly enough to realize that he *was* being stupid, but the
"deliberate insult" definitely does seem like a judgement on his part. I
don't mind a flexible POV, but I think you need to be clearer about it
so we know whose thoughts we're in at the moment.

@@Hmmm . . .I'm "guessing" that the POV is 3P Omniscient.
I'm lifting the style from the old hard boiled detective pulp's.
@@@@

<SNIP>

   "There will be no talk of leaving, old friend." Soun
was on the verge of tears. "The agreement between us _will_
be honored. Akane," he gestured at his daughter, "will marry

Akane," he said, gesturing at his daughter, "will
(As far as I know, there's no legitimate way to break dialog in the
middle of a sentence without a verb like "said" explictly attributing
it.)

@@After long (and long distance) consultation with, among other people
a journal editor (whose only comment about Anime is "That's got the little
kids with the big creepy eyes?"), I'm forced to conclude that legitimate is
whatever the editor who's publishing your manuscript says is legitimate. I was
given examples from published best sellers (by authors I've never heard of,
but I avoid 'main stream' writing like the plague) of changing POV and TENSE
almost in the middle of a sentence! However your point is well taken. As is
Granberry-san's. I've been scurrying through later chapters of Lure the Tiger
and trying to clean up some of my more egregious errors.
@@@@

<SNIP>

As before, an interesting read, though I still think there's way too
much spotlight on Genma and not enough on Ranma. It's this continuity's
Ranma whose character (or lack thereof) is going to make or break events
here. The main question of your story, it seems to me, is whether he'll
be able to successfully con his way into marriage while avoiding
actually falling for Akane. Continually going out of your way to show us
how repulsive this world's Genma is just distracts from that.

Anyhow, that's my two yen. Please let me know whether any of it was
useful to you.

@@Hmmmm . . .I never really thought of it like that.
Genma is a pivotal character but he's not around much
after this. But it's essential that the reader understand him. and his
effect on Ranma and others.

I'd be interested in knowing what you think of later parts of the story.
ranma's characterization, interaction, etc.

Most of the stuff that you and Granberry-san and other's
have brought up about the story is VERY new to me. I have to
go back and reverse-engineer to figure out why certain things
happened. I really don't write my stories so much as I take
dictation as the story happens in front of me. (Like a movie
running in my head is the closest approximation I can make.)
The ONLY thing I can say is "that's the way it happened"
I can go back and make some changes of course. Mostly to clear
things up that I described poorly. (Which happens a lot because
the movie only runs at once speed and I've got to catch it while
i can. ^_*)

This has ALL been very helpful!
Thanks a lot.
(Now, if I could only learn to punctuate . . .)

Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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