--- allynyonge0000@netscape.net (allyn yonge) wrote:

Hi,
comments @@

Suggest offsetting the parenthetical phrase more with a longer pause:

behind Soun -- *like a retainer in a samurai movie*, came the unbidden
thought -- and held

(or)

behind Soun (*like a retainer in a samurai movie*, came the unbidden
thought) and held

@@Actually had it the second way and "corrected" it during a revision. 
@@@@

The former way, IMO, would be better, simply because it is best not to use parenthesis.  Though, technically, there should not be space around dashes.  So it should look like this:

behind Soun--*like a retainer in a samurai movie,* came the unbidden thought--and held

However, the presence of an asterisk immediately following the dash makes that look bad.  I'm not entirely sure what the rule is in such cases, or even if there is one.  So do it however you want to, but please be consistant.

Also note that I've moved the comma after 'movie' inside the asterisk.  This is the way direct quotes should be punctuated, and applies even when using a delimiter other than quote marks to indicate something other than speech.

   "It's my doujou." a quiet voice interjected from the

A
(caps for new sentence)

That's one way to this.  Another is to change the period after doujou to a comma, thus making the entire thing a single sentance.  'Interjected' is a valid speech indicator, so this is perfectly reasonable, and, IMO, would be preferrable.

   "What's so funny about that." Akane delivered in a

that,"
(I assume the lack of a question mark is intentional to reflect the
intonation, but you can't use a period there because the explicit
attribution continues the sentence.)

@@I'll have to get my wife to translate that for me. She speaks
fluent Grammar.
@@@@

I believe I mentioned this to you privately.  Since " . . . Akane delivered in . . . " is part of the same sentance, you can not use period after 'that'.  However, I believe we also discussed a change in phrasing that would eliminate the problem.  Which you choose is up to you.

I've been busy with schoolwork for the last few days, and so haven't had time to C&C the other chapters.  Perhaps I'll get to the next one later today.

Defender of the Light
Elite Mage
junior member of the Inner Circle of the Mages Council

Contrary to popular opinion, magic and science do mix.

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