As promised, here's my comments on the rest ot this.
Allyn Yonge <allynyonge0000@netscape.net> wrote:
Chapter: 2
Xiao li cang dao
(Conceal a dagger in a smile)
"Ahhh . . .Ranma m'boy," Genma panted a little as
Ranma, m'boy." Genma
he was dragged in his son's wake, "don't you think we
wake. "Don't
"I don' like th' look of th' sky." he jerked a thumb in
He
(caps for start of sentence)
"Well then," Genma huffed, "why don't we repair to
a shelter closer to hand." He pointed his free hand toward a
May want to use a different expression in the dialog to avoid the
repetition of "hand".
Ranma glanced in that direction and repressed a sigh
as he spied a brew-pub and wondered again at his father's
almost mystical ability to find ji-biru or ji-sake in the middle
of a wasteland. Genma had once located a half-liter of
fermented mares-milk in the possession of a goat-herd, in
mare's milk
goat herd
(You'd hyphenate when using these phrases as modifiers, e.g. "Genma is
the best at finding mares-milk-flavored drinks even when they're
goat-herd-owned.")
the middle of a snow-storm, half-way between hell and
snowstorm (single compound word)
halfway (ditto)
nowhere as they were slogging through Kazakstan, looking
for the Hidden-Masters of the Swallow-fights-Tiger style.
for the Hidden Masters of the Swallow-fights-Tiger style.
(or)
for the Hidden-Masters-of-the-Swallow-fights-Tiger style.
(Not sure how you mean this; if they were looking for a technique named
by the entire phrase, punctuate it the second way above; if they were
looking for a group of people named the Hidden Masters, do it the first
way. If they're not named that but just happen to *be* hidden, and
happen to be masters of that technique, use the first, but take off the
capitals on "Hidden Masters.")
"We ain't stoppin' 'til we reach th' Tendou's."
Tendou's,"
("Groused" explicitly tells you that he said the line of dialog)
"Please, Ranma-san . . .have another shrimp,"
shrimp."
"Oh, no I couldn', Kasumi-sama." Ranma replied,
Kasumi-sama," Ranma
"Then, you gotta' call me Ranma . . .Kasumi-chan,"
gotta call
(or)
got t' call
(only use the ' where a sound is being omitted)
the young martial artist turned his smile up a notch with
practiced ease, noting how Kasumi's colour deepened.
Unless you're intentionally using British-style spellings, "color".
"Have some of this steamed-custard," Nabiki
offered, a little breathlessly. She'd never _seen_ such a
gorgeous boy in her life. And his careless speech and style
of dress, so different from all the Fuurinkan _boys_, gave
Furinkan
(the "u" in this name isn't a long vowel, so it doesn't get an extra u
even when using the "extra-u" romanization)
"Ah, Tendou my old friend," Genma sighed from his
Tendou, my
"What . . ." Genma was on top of the world. Good
food, old friends . . .he took a deep, refreshing draft, from
his mug . . .cold sake . . . He ignored the angry looks
Ranma was shooting him, when no-one else could see. The
no one
unnatural boy had missed a couple of bottles from his
emergency stash and Genma was enjoying the moment
while he could.
Not sure why "unnatural" is being used there.
" . . .oh, yes, of course. Three daughters." He
dismissed the shadow sitting behind Soun, *like a retainer in
a samurai movie*, came the unbidden thought, and held out
Suggest offsetting the parenthetical phrase more with a longer pause:
behind Soun -- *like a retainer in a samurai movie*, came the unbidden
thought -- and held
(or)
behind Soun (*like a retainer in a samurai movie*, came the unbidden
thought) and held
RANMA: Wow, I didn't know they even had any orthodontists in those
movies.
GENMA: They sure did, and thash the tooth.
"Yeah," Nabiki half rose from where she was sitting,
"Yeah." Nabiki
Ranma cursed softly to himself. Things had been
going pretty good up to now. This really _was_ a plush
layout, with lots of cash potential and he had the two girls
potential, and
(need a comma to end the inserted phrase that began at "with lots...")
eating out of his hand. A few weeks, that was all it would
take, and then they could take the money and run for China.
Although Australia would be better for Genma. He didn't
_think_ the old man had any outstanding warrants there,
and he could catch up after he took care of his problem.
Just a few weeks, and the old-man was about to blow it,
old man
"Nonsense," Genma disagreed heartily. "Sake is the
water of life. It fires the blood, quicken's the eye, makes
glad a sad heart----" he grabbed Soun's cup and tossed the
He
(new sentence)
tea over his shoulder into the yard. "It honors the
spirits," he poured a generous splash into the now empty
spirits." He poured
(same here, and remove excess spacing)
container. "you wouldn't want to anger the spirits!" he
"You (same here)
He (and here)
"Father," Kasumi said softly, "You don't really want
softly, "you
(or)
softly. "You
(can either start a new sentence there or not, but need to be
consistent)
"Friend Tendou!" Genma said over-loudly, "Friend
Tendou! Surely you are not going to let the women of you
house dictate to you." He shot Kasumi a venomous look
that caused her to recoil slightly.
SOUN: Am I?
KASUMI: Tell him no, absolutely not.
SOUN: No, Saotome. Absolutely not.
"Now then," Genma relaxed slightly, satisfied that
then."
he'd put the girl in her proper place. "let's honor the spirits
"Let's
and toast the joining of our houses." He took a generous
pull from his bottle, not wanting to take any chances with
the spirit world himself. "With Ranma's talent and your
There's a play on the two different meanings of "spirits" that's dying
to be made here, but it's too obvious even for me. ^_^;;
doujou, the Musabetsu kakutou Saotome-ryuu will be world
famous in no time." He thrust the cup of sake at Soun.
world-famous
"It's my doujou." a quiet voice interjected from the
A
(caps for new sentence)
"What do you mean, 'your doujou'!" Genma's voice
cracked and he stared at the girl who had been almost
invisible throughout the dinner. "Tendou, what does she
mean?"
SOUN: Well, Saotome, "my" is an indicator of personal possession and/or
ownership, and....
GENMA: Oh. Right.
"When I win the All Japan Tournament, the doujou
All-Japan (I think)
will have all the students we need," Akane countered, taking
a small sip of tea, her other hand fisted against her side, out
of site from the others. Ranma, however, noticed the slight
of sight
("site" is a homonym meaning place/location)
*Dammit pop, let it slide.*
*Dammit, Pop,
"Win the All Japan Tournament?" Genma chuckled
at the thought. "That's so cute, Tendou." he slapped his old
He
"What's so funny about that." Akane delivered in a
that,"
(I assume the lack of a question mark is intentional to reflect the
intonation, but you can't use a period there because the explicit
attribution continues the sentence.)
flat monotone.
Suggest: in a monotone. (Aren't all monotones flat?)
"Heh," Genma reached over and patted her
"Heh."
avuncularly on the shoulder, his hot, alcohol saturated
breath making her nose wrinkle in disgust. "you don't need
"You
A single word, so cold and hard Ranma was
surprised it didn't draw blood. But the old man was a little
Nice evocative description here.
thick when he'd been drinking.
RANMA: And I, or at least my canon self, may occasionally be somewhat
competitive. And the Pope is slightly inclined toward the Catholic
faith. And....
It was about time he tried to
shut pop up. The only problem, when Genma was drinking,
Pop
Genma was drunk enough to get angry and angry
enough to do something stupid. Furious at the deliberate
insult he lunged to his feet, Ranma only a fraction of a
insult, he
Not sure whose POV this is supposed to represent. Genma wouldn't be
thinking clearly enough to realize that he *was* being stupid, but the
"deliberate insult" definitely does seem like a judgement on his part. I
don't mind a flexible POV, but I think you need to be clearer about it
so we know whose thoughts we're in at the moment.
Soun, not having a table in the way, moved even
faster than Ranma, stopping Genma with a deceptively
gentle looking hand to his chest. Genma ooffed, and sat
gentle-looking
"Genma, my old friend," Soun said mildly, "I'm
certain Akane is sorry for any accidental insult." Soun
placed his other hand on Akane's leg, feeling the steel hard
steel-hard
"Yes . . .yes of course." Genma stuttered, rubbing the
course," Genma
("stuttered" explicitly refers to the line of dialog)
back of his head nervously. "I only meant . . ." he trailed off,
wondering what he could say that wouldn't make things
worse. "Ummmm . . .I only meant that . . .uhhhh . . .we have
an agreement, old friend," he fell back on his original
friend." He
" . . .sacrificing my health and comfort. All with the
knowledge that I was working toward uniting our two
schools," Genma put all that remained of what once had been
schools."
a formidable personal charisma into his voice. "I . . .I have
been too long on the road, away from the civilizing influence
of the fairer sex," he smiled at Kasumi and was gratified to
sex." He
"I suppose that I am old and foolish," Genma's voice
foolish."
was low, almost a whisper. The tone of a man who has given
his all to achieve some noble goal and has nothing left to
give. "and have outlived my time." He drew himself up, a
"And
RANMA: And have bad breath.
GENMA: Don't help.
tired old warrior who was beaten, but not defeated. "Ranma
and I will leave in the morning," He smiled, a heart
wrenching smile. "on another training journey. There is still
heart-wrenching
"On
*Damn* Ranma thought admiringly. *the old fart still
*Damn,* Ranma
admiringly, *the
(or)
admiringly. *The
The difficulty was, Genma would usually get greedy,
lazy, drunk or all three, before they made a score. In which
care they ran like hell, a half-step ahead of a date with hot-
case
tar and goose-feathers.
hot tar
(two words)
"There will be no talk of leaving, old friend." Soun
was on the verge of tears. "The agreement between us _will_
be honored. Akane," he gestured at his daughter, "will marry
Akane," he said, gesturing at his daughter, "will
(As far as I know, there's no legitimate way to break dialog in the
middle of a sentence without a verb like "said" explictly attributing
it.)
"I hope I am around for many years to come," Soun
was trying to convince Akane, "but life is uncertain." His
come." Soun
Akane. "But
That he was trying to convince her is probably obvious enough that you
don't need to say so.
" Kasumi is going to go to medical school," Soun
"Kasumi
(remove extra space)
school."
nodded at his eldest, "and Nabiki is planing to buy Honshu
eldest. "And
and turn it into a pachinko parlor," Nabiki just grinned at
parlor." Nabiki
that, "but if something happens to me, where will you go?
that. "But
"The death duties will take everything. It will all
have to be sold, just to pay the tax." Soun stressed. "But if
tax," Soun stressed.
(Assuming he's stressing the line of dialog, and not just stressing.)
"I can't marry some stranger." She objected as her
stranger," she
"He won't be a stranger after a while." Soun tried to
while,"
pint out reasonably.
point
"I'm too young." she tried again.
young," she
"Nonsense," Soun said, shuddering inside at the
thought of his baby, _any_ of his babies, with a . . .a man.
"You are both at the perfect age. You haven't gotten set in
your ways yet".
yet."
"I won't marry a man who can't defeat me." She
me," she
"What!" From Genma and Ranma, almost in stereo.
from
"Oh yes I did----do! I _do_ mean it." Akane spat.
it," Akane
"I agree," Soun got to his feet. Kasumi and Nabiki
agree." Soun
looked as if someone had dropped the Tokyo Dome on
them, while Genma and Ranma looked only slightly less
stunned. "Let us go to the doujou, where Ranma," he gave
the young martial artist a narrow look, "will fight my
Ranma," he said, giving the... look, "will
As before, an interesting read, though I still think there's way too
much spotlight on Genma and not enough on Ranma. It's this continuity's
Ranma whose character (or lack thereof) is going to make or break events
here. The main question of your story, it seems to me, is whether he'll
be able to successfully con his way into marriage while avoiding
actually falling for Akane. Continually going out of your way to show us
how repulsive this world's Genma is just distracts from that.
Anyhow, that's my two yen. Please let me know whether any of it was
useful to you.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'