At 13:03 09/12/2002 +0100, curator@discordia.connectfree.co.uk wrote:

Hi!
Here's the other half of chapter 2.
I'm not so keen on it myself, and I think theres plenty of room for 
improvement... but I'm not sure where, how or why.
I'm thinking I might abandon this part all together and put hilights into 
chapter 3, instead.

C&C desperately required, thanks!

And here is, probably, exactly the C&C you _didn't_ want...

There is a fatal flaw in this chapter:  it's boring.  Forty-four kilobytes 
of text.  7000 words.  The action shown?  Tenchi whines about his life, 
then decides to go to college in the United States.  Epic, it's not.

When you take into account the comedic romance hijinks and pacing of 
Tenchi, a dearth of action like this is lethal.  Even if the entire Tenchi 
series had the laid-back pace of Tenchi Forever, this might only barely 
squeak by.  As it is, you've put the audience to sleep within the first 
1000 words of the chapter -- doubly damning, when you contrast it against 
the pacing of previous chapters of this fanfic.

My verdict:  distill this chapter down to essential plot-points and 
emotionally poignant moments, then seed it into future chapters through 
Tenchi's words, actions, and convenient plot contrivances.

--MFeltmate


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'