[FFML] Re: [Ranma][WAFF?] Wedding Plans


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#########################################################

Oy . . .this is a hard one.
Some good stuff. Some bland stuff.
Nothing really bad.
But the timing is off.
And timing is everything in humor.
Which is one reason humor is so hard to write.


Let me make something clear. I would NEVER
attempt to write something like this.
It's too difficult.
And humor is very subjective.
So, I'm going to give my
thought's on the story
but for goodness sake, if ever
there was a time to be skeptical
about C&C, this is IT!


Now then, I'm going to start with a 
Summary, then do a tiny bit of line-by-line
finishing with another summary. ^_^

OVERALL:
Some cute stuff. Akane covered with flowers
and the cat in a wedding dress.
The opening HOOK was great!
And, some nice dialogue.

You tried to cram too much into
the space allotted. For instance
the group melee in the school yard.
That was good for a chapter in itself.
To be funny or even coherent, a LOT
more detail, to show individual
combat. As written, to quick, too sparse,
too chaotic to be funny.

Some scenes, Akane/Ranma in class
or when they fall through a roof? 
I had NO idea what was going on.

The ending? As a flashback, it disrupted
the pace of the story and killed the punch line.
A good idea in and of itself, but would have worked
better if done in 'Real Time'.

This is the kind of story where
1)Elaborate and DETAILED plotting. EVERY single
move and word has to be worked out. TIMING
is everything.
2)Punchline or twist! One reason this kind of story
is so hard, is that most people already know how the 
joke ends. There are only so many things that you CAN do.
SO. . .you run a double bluff.
1)Make the reader THINK they know what's happening
2)Give them what they expect
3)At the VERY last second, it turns out what the saw was
really something else.

EXAMPLE:
HOOK: <NABIKI>: You two will NEVER get married by the end of the day!

Now this is "SO" obviously a ploy on Nabiki's part. Especially when
she's talking about betting odds. But, the readers comfortable with this
and expects that Nabiki's pulling something.
But, there are only THREE possible outcomes: 
1]Married, 
2]NOT married, 
3]Married, but NOT to each other
 so the trick is to keep the reader interested w/o knowing which outcome is
coming.

2)SET UP: THIS is the tricky bit. Let's use your example
of unknowingly signing the 'marriage' documents. Good
method, but the timing was wrong. The 'flashback' interrupts 
the flow of the story and takes it out of real time. Rather
like a magician showing you the end of a trick, then _telling_
the audience how he did the trick, last month.

One way to do this? In the middle of going to school
Ranma/Akane are stopped by the police for crossing against
the light and given a ticket. And have to sign form.
There are other ways, but the trick is to work the signing
into the plot so naturally that Ranma and Akane never notice.
AND, neither does the reader! Everything else is misdirection.

NOW, for a real twist? Have Souun (or Genma or someone) Try to FIX
the ticket. ^_^ (Souun: "I can't let my baby have a criminal record"
Shampoo: "Airen in trouble! Shampoo help."
with the result that Souun and Shampoo are married)
Again, it HAS to be done so naturally that the reader doesn't notice. OR, if
they notice, they are led to think something else has really happened.

You can spend WEEKs working on this sort of thing. But the SET UP
has GOT to work perfectly. The rest of the story is written around it.
In your case, the SET UP is signing the papers w/o knowing what they are.
I think of Police and a ticket because it's plausible and that sort of thing
does happen. PROBLEM:? Not many tickets given out in Ranmverse, so readers may
smell a rat. Insurance claim forms also a possibility. Hospital or doctor
forms after a fight? School forms aren't bad, if in Real Time. WHATEVER you
do, needs thought. It MUST be plausible and happen naturally.

3)MISDIRECTION: The rest of the story. ^_^ This keeps the reader from
thinking about the SET UP or makes them think something else is happening.
@@@@



"Kit" <third_child@hotmail.com> wrote:

@@Disclaimer???
@@@@

Wedding Plans; Or,

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Chaos



@@GREAT title.
@@@@




"I have something to say," Nabiki announced before Akane could
drag Ranma off toward school. Everyone but Ranma turned to
listen; he used the moment to grab an extra bite. If anyone had
looked, they may have noticed the fathers anxious curiosity
peeking.

@@The reader is looking. This, IMO, telegraphs too much.
@@@


"What?" Ranma huffed after Akane smacked him on the back of the
head.

"Pay attention," his iinazuke hissed. Ranma blinked then looked
up. Nabiki's evil grin doubled in size, making Ranma suddenly
feel very nervous.

"You two," the middle Tendou began. Ranma and Akane blinked in
unison. "I have never seen two people so obviously in love while
making themselves absolutely miserable at the same time," she
called out. Genma and Soun nearly went into shock. This was not
what they were expecting.

"There is no possible way," Nabiki went on before her last words
could take full effect on the two youngest in the room. "No way
at all, in fact, that you two could ever be married by the end of
today!" The couple in question stared on in wide-eyed fear. "No
force on earth could force you two to admit your true feelings
for each other!" she continued, really getting into her speech
now. Both targets began shaking their heads no and waving for her
to stop. "No kami or oni could get you two married before
sundown. I dare say even fate couldn't get you two happily in the
same room, let alone the same bed!" Both Ranma and Akane where
now standing, waving, and shushing franticly. "Between both your
would-be suitors and rivals, even Kami-sama himself couldn't
arrange for you two to get married without destroying half of
Tokyo."

Nabiki paused for a breath. Ranma and Akane turned to gaze at
each other in abject fear. Nabiki opened her mouth to continue
when the two began screaming loud enough to wake the dead. After
about five minutes of pure screaming, they bolted out of the room
in opposite directions.

"That wasn't very nice," Kasumi said, as she put down her book on
delayed pressure points that Dr. Tofu had lent her.

"Maybe, but you have to admit today is going to be fun to watch,"
Nabiki responded. She shot her father a quick wink before
scooping up her lunch and school bag. She would have to hurry if
she wanted to adjust the betting pools in time.

Today was going to be very interesting.

@@Ummmm. . . some good stuff, but too long. IMO, the hook
needs to be short and sharp.

EXAMPLE::

"I have something to say," Nabiki announced.

"Don't you always?" Ranma smirked. "Owwww!"

"Pay attention,"his iinazuke hissed. Ranma blinked then looked
up. Nabiki's evil grin doubled in size, making Ranma suddenly
feel very nervous.

There is no possible way," Nabiki stated confidently, that you two will
ever get married----" she paused until Souun's wail of anguish died out. "In a hundred years there will
ever be a marriage between Ranma and Akane." Reaching into her pocket Nabiki pulled out a thick wad of Yen.
"I've got Ten-Million Yen that says Akane will be married by six o'clock."

With a grin she gently closed Akane's open mouth before trotting out the door leaving a stunned silence
behind.

Dracula going for the throat was a spring lamb compared to Tendou Nabiki
and profit. She lived by three simple, immutable rules:
1)Never bet unless the bet is fixed
2)You are IN on the fix.
3)The fixers must be close personal friends who owe you money

Akane whimpered softly.

@@@@

Now, there are lots of variations, even on this hook.
For instance:

"I bet Ten-million that Akane will be Saotome Akane before morning."
"I bet it will be Tendou Ranma before midnight."

@@@@

The advantage of this is that it's slightly ambiguous. It leaves open the possibility (suggests it in fact) that NABIKI
was using marriage as misdirection and has something else in mind. The reader is no longer sure precisely what
direction the story is going. There's also a specific time limit, so the author can add a 'count down' to the story for
added suspense.
@@@@@@@@@


=====

'Almost there. Almost there.' Ranma could see the school gates
ahead. He glanced back and gave a sigh of relief. "Lost him. Man
that guy just wouldn't give up." While Ranma was not one to run

>from a fight, he had decided the Saotome Final Technique was

definitely in order today.


@@GOOD!
@@@@


About three blocks from the Tendou house, Ranma had run over a
traveling salesman. Not seeing Akane or Nabiki around, he had
thought he was safe. Then the man revealed that he made and sold
jewelry. Rings being his specialty, he decided that what Ranma
needed was a set of rings he had just finished that morning. It
had taken twenty minutes of non-stop running, zigging and zagging
down every street and alley. The high road would not offer
protection since that was where he ran into the guy in the first
place.


@@Not as good. Not just "traveling salesman" Need more detail
to bring the character to life. Otherwise, so generic as to
be uninterestingl.
@@@@


At the gate, he paused briefly to catch his breath. He wasn't
about to look out of breath because of some non martial artist.
When he finally looked up, he nearly jumped out of his skin.
Akane did jump a good meter off the ground. She was covered in
rose and white colored petals. Full flowers stuck out of her
uniform and hair.


@@@I liked the flowers bit.
@@@@


"Don't ask," she pleaded. Ranma nodded. "Also, I get Kuno."


@@ "Don't ask" was cute.
the rest was confusing and detracted from the really good line
that came before.
@@@@


Ranma was about to argue that point but, after seeing how upset
she was, wisely decided 'better him than me.' Stepping through
the gate, the two marched up the isle toward the school. When
they reached the half way point, out stepped the rising star of
the Nerima kendo world.

"Beware the ides of march, for it does mean your demise at my
hand," Kuno began.

"Isn't it May?" asked a girl who was watching from the top floor.

"You know Kuno. Our little April fool," Nabiki, standing next to
her, quipped.


@@ Too stock. This is too much like a standard "Kunou acts stupid, is 
made fun-of, then kicked in the head"
@@@@


"You, foul sorcerer, have seen your last day. Have at thee!" With
that, Kuno lunged forward. Akane shot a glare at Ranma to make
sure he remembered whose fight this was today. But before she got
to meet his attack, Kuno was kicked to the side.

"Did he call you Saotome?" A strange man appeared out of no where
and confronted the couple. "Then you must be the lovely Akane
Tendou," he continued on before anyone had a chance to answer.

"And just who are you?" Ranma huffed, stepping slightly in front
of Akane.

"Complements of the house!"

Something dark flew straight and very fast at Ranma. He didn't
have time to move Akane to safety, so he threw his arms up for a
block. An elbow in his gut sent him out of the way just before it
could hit him, leaving Akane to take the blow meant for him.

"That's it, your dead!" Ranma roared as he jumped up from the
ground. His battle aura flared into place.

"What kind of stupid attack is this!" Akane shouted.

Everyone looked toward the surprised girl. Her uniform was gone,
replaced by a fairly expensive and perfectly tailored tux.


@@Now the "tuxedo" attack shows promise. Better to elaborate on this.
Elaborate on "strange man" give him a name and description from the start
and eliminate Kuno.
@@@@


"What's the meaning of this! Who dares to defile a lovely maiden
so!" Kuno bellowed from his spot as he recovered from the opening
cheap shot.

"So sorry," The man before them bowed. "Special Attack! Innocent
Maiden Surprise!" the man yelled thrusting his hands forward.

Ranma moved to intercept the attack. When nothing happened, both
Akane and Ranma blinked in confusion.

"What foul trickery is this!" Kuno bellowed off to the side.
Everyone looked his direction. "What dark sorcererous magic's
hath Saotome conjured up to bewitch my noble personage!"


@@This is a better Kuno. BUT, you put the whole 'wedding dress'
bit so far away that it loses impact. TIMING!"

EXAMPLE::

  What foul trickery is this!" Kuno bellowed off to the side.
Everyone looked his direction. "What dark sorcererous magic's
hath Saotome conjured up to bewitch my noble personage!" Pushing aside
the lace-veil that fell from the high-peaked cap, Kuno glared at 
Ranma. "Hast thou no sense of style!"  Distastefully Kuno lifted the
full train of the long white gown he was now wearing and let it drape
tastefully over his arm. "Now is NOT the season for velvet!"

@@@@

Also, at this point you _could_ have:
1)Kuno is madly attracted to Ranma (because of the magic dress)
2)MEN are madly attracted to Kuno because of dress.

Not necessary, just a possibility.

Just as the 'magic' of the Tuxedo could make Akane go all 'manly'
and start chasing Ranma/Ranko (or Ukyou, Shampoo, Cologne, etc)
This is all misdirection, so exactly WHAT happens depends almost entirely on
what PUNCHLINE you've decided on.
@@@@


<SNIP>

"Who." Ranma attempted, trying not to laugh too hard. He wasn't
succeeding very well. "Who are you?" Again, he faced off against
the first; though, he sought out with his senses, to prepare for
another surprise attack.

"We are the Four Brothers and a Sister School of Martial Arts
Wedding Planning!"

Suddenly there were five figures standing in a line. Four of them
were dressed handsomely in expensive looking tuxedoes. The fifth,
a beautiful blond, wore a long flowing formal gown. No one was
fooled. This was Nerima after all.


@@???? The "no one was fooled" line rather makes the whole thing
go flat. At one point I was thinking this was Soun, Genma, Nodoka, et al
dressed up. IMO, that's not a bad thought (sort of like the Doujou Destroyer
bit from the manga) OR a REAL bunch of martial artists. BUT, you need
more detail. Both with the 4B&S martial artists. They're on and gone
too quickly. And the melee fight has too many people and the description
of the fight is so generic, it's not interesting.
@@@@


<SNIP>


"Yes, Tendou-chan?" The teacher glanced over and sweat-dropped.


@@ No 'sweat-dropped', especially in a comedy. You need
MORE detail, not less. However, choose each word carefully,
because you MUST keep the pace of the story moving.
@@@@


<SNIP>
Out on the field, five figures were squaring off against Ryouga,
Shampoo, Mousse, Ukyou, Kuno, and Konatsu, who had joined in last
period. The school field had large chunks torn away, large gashes
tore through trees, rocks, and wall.

Several of the boys turned green as Konatsu's wedding dress,
gained earlier in the fight, was replaced with a formal tux. They
had been fooled.

As they watched, a giant pig charged into the melee while a cute
girl in sun dress hopped off its back and began shouting
encouragement to a white veiled Ryouga.


@@ None of this actually moves the story forward. Better to spend
the time on Ranma and Akane. They've been static and you're TELLING
the reader about a fight. Delete this entire section OR put it
in REAL TIME with Ranma and Akane in the fight! Now THAT would be
interesting.
@@@@


"That still doesn't explain your attire, Tendou-chan."

One massive face-fault later, she responded.


@@NO "face-fault" for the same reasons give above.
@@@@


<SNIP> VERY confusing scene


"Yes," Akane droned while wincing at the chastisement.

"Now stand up here and read this aloud."

They were each handed a three by five and stood where there were
told to.

"Good, now you begin, Ranma."

The young Saotome, for his part, flushed slightly from
embarrassment, but it helped that everyone was looking out the
windows in stead of at him.

"I, Akane Tendou.."

"Opps!" the teacher called out. He quickly switched the two
cards. "Now continue."

"Why 's our names on here anyways?" Ranma asked plaintively.

Akane began looking through hers as well.

"Just read it, or you won't pass."

"Uh, okay. I, um, Ranma Saotome, do hear by."

"Hey! These are wedding vows!" Akane screeched.


@@Cute. Timing need a 'bit' of work. Should be a little faster
paced. Would be better if you got rid of the 'fight' and the
bit about 'dress code' and 'changing tuxedo' and went right to
this. This moves the story along and is reasonably funny.
It would be funnier if not for the long pause for the 'fight' 
'tuxedo/dress-code' bits. TIMING!
@@@@


@@@@

<SNIP>

"Is that a cat wearing a wedding dress?" one random student
puzzled.

"I didn't even know they made them in that size," a second
responded.

@@ROTFLOL. Now THAT's hysterical. ^)^
You've got several little gems like this scattered through the story.
Problem is, you separate them with a lot of fluff. Bogs down the story.
Also, you START a lot of good gags, then don't follow through. A solid theme
to tie everything together. In this case, 'magic' dress and tuxedo are
a possibility. Or, a 'chase scene with the 3B&S martial artists.
@@@@

=====

"Ranma! Ranma! It's okay! No more cats, see?" Akane yelled as
they landed on some roof.

A full body shiver worked its way down then back up Ranma's body.
Then he took a deep breath.

"You can put me down any time now," Akane said, though without
any real anger.


@@ It _might_ be funnier if Akane was carrying Ranma. She IS
wearing the Tux. ^_^
@@@@


"Huh? - Oh!" Ranma was suddenly standing about a meter away.

Akane shook her head at him, while she gave him a playful smile.

They had been heading out the front when Ranma had been
confronted by the image of Shampoo in a wedding dress. Of course,
she had been a cat at the time. She had spotted him and Akane and
leapt at him. Fortunately, depending on your point of view, a
bouquet of flowers had embedded itself in the ground pinning her
long train just as she jumped, stopping her about fifteen
centimeters from his face.

Ranma practically teleported away, taking Akane with him. After
several minutes of high-speed roof-hoping in his arms she had
finally gotten him to stop.

@@AAAAA. REAL TIME! WHY describe this in past tense? SHOW this
as it's happening. You could almost do it with just a cut and paste,
reversing the order it's written.'
@@@@

=====

Meanwhile, in a room not to far away.

"And now, if anyone here should have any reason these two should
not be wed, speak now or for ever let them hold their piece."

Suddenly, the roof gave in. Shrieks and screams echoed up and
down the hall.

Once the dust began to settle, everyone began to look for the
source of the disturbance.

One short, and obviously well-endowed female emerged coughing

>from the center. She was quickly followed by a second short

haired figure wearing a tux. Both strangers looked up too see
their impromptu audience.

Quick nervous eyes flittered about the crowd. Then, the two
slowly glanced at each other. The two began screaming loud enough
to wake the dead. After about five minutes of pure screaming,
they bolted out of the room.

"Wherefore art thou Ushiko-san?" could be heard from under one
pile of roof.

"Wherefore art thou Umao-san?" came from under another pile.



@@What in the WORLD was this? DELETE! (Or make clear what's
going on.) Reads like an in-joke of some sort.
@@@@

<SNIP>

SUMMARY
1)HOOK & SET UP.
The HOOK isn't bad, but too long. SET UP telegraphs what is too come.
Ambiguous is better in that it keeps the reader guessing about what is
to come.

2)Misdirection (or, the rest of the story)
Some genuinely funny bits. BUT a lot of 'filer' that doesn't move the story
along. Too much time spent on things/people other than Ranma/Akane.
In a longer story, perhaps. In a short story? Every word is gold. A solid
'Theme' would help. Something that directs and keeps the readers attention on
Akane/Ranma (chase scene or trying to deal with 'magic' tuxedo/dress) AND
misdirects reader from what's REALLY going on.

Let's take the 4B&S martial artist. Potentially VERY funny. Forget about the
class room etc and concentrate on the 4B&S chasing Ranma/Akane! (Think 'Key
Stone Cops' or 'French Connection')That gives you your theme and of course you
can interact w/ other people (ryouga, kuno, shampoo etc)during the chase.
During the chase, have several moments where it appears as if Ranma and Akane
will be married, or Ranma will be (but not to Akane ) or there will be a name-
change (adoption?) W/o marriage (recall the several ambiguous set ups I
mentioned at the start) NOW, while all this is going on, slip in the REAL
punchline (marriage, adoption, whatever) as sort of an aside.
EXAMPLE:
Ranma/Akane are beating up on the 4B&S and a waiter asks them to
sign the check for the lunch they were eating before the fight started.
THAT's the marriage documents. If you set it up smoothly:
Waiter: "Here's the bill"
4B&S: "Now we have you."
R &A : Fight, fight , fight
Waiter: "Please sign here. Hope you enjoyed your meal"

the reader won't notice and will keep looking for the punchline until
the very end. ^_^

At the end, when Nabiki reveals the trick, A&R have pulled a switch on Nabiki
and SHE ends up married to Ryouga or Shampoo or someone.
This is VERY hard, but if you can pull it off and fool the reader, it's most
effective.

3) Punchline? Falls flat, mostly because it's in flash back. Several instances
of that in the story. I've used flash back (three times in "lure the tiger")
and I HATE it each time. Flash back is hard to work into prose and difficult
to use smoothly and naturally. In a short story? Comedy? It completely
destroys the timing. The "IDEA" itself is good, but everything in this sort
of story should be real-time (I'll admit that this, like most 'rules' in
writing) CAN be broken. But it's easier to do this all in real time.

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