Comments on comments@@


Brian Randall <brian@azurite.org> wrote:

Allyn Yonge wrote:

Many thanks to:
D-chan, for encouragement and invaluable time taken from
her own writing to pre-read for me.
Read D-chan's stories at:
http://www.geocities.com/ayongedarling/

And to Jiro Maeda for pre-reading and pointing out some
fundamental errors in my conception of Filipino fighting arts
among other things.

  Strange, I always thought that was a 'ph'.

@@I've seen it both ways. But this was at the top of the page when
I checked the online dictionary.
@@@@

  I need to get out of the office more. Heck, I don't think I've relaxed 
since before Earth aquired its second moon!

  Anyway, since I owed you a C&C, I hope this helps.

@@ OWE? Pay debts? What in the world is going on?
I'm beginning to feel like Bardi and Peruzzi during the Hundred Years' War. 
And we all know what happened to THEM! <shudder>

at any rate, I'm announcing here and now that
no one OWES me C&C. Do it if you like the story.
Or if you wish to worship at my shr . . . errrr . . . never mind.
Howsomever, I'm always glad to hear from people. Me and Rochester
get mighty lonesome while Mr. Benny's away. So feel free to write.
Just don't feel you owe me anything. ^_*
@@@@

************************************************
<SNIP>

quivering hand at his "son", before going off into peals of
braying laughter.

  "You . . .you -- "You . . . you

  The spacing between the periods in an elipses should be consistant-like.

;)


@@Consistency is the bugaboo of a narrow mind. B. Shaw. (I think)
Plus, i just sort of throw those little dot-dash things out at random.
It will no doubt frighten you to know that I cleaned out a bunch of those
things before posting. They just sort of appear while I'm writing. And like
most of my punctuation have little or no relation to anything to be found in
MLA style book.

I READ from top to bottom. You're lucky I don't still write that way. ^_*
@@@@

<SNIP>

fault, anyway!"

  The shift from the hand holding the board to the hand being Ranma's is a 
little abrupt. Considering the flow in the latter half of the first 
sentence of the prose, you might want to consider rewording that.

  Then again, that's just me, and all my suggestions should be taken with a 
grain of salt. :p

@@Actually you're too kind. It's C**p. I meant to go back and fix it, but
couldn't ever seem to do it. I got 'stuck' with it, since it was the first
image of the story that came to mind. (Did I mention that I see the story
running like a movie in my head? It's not quite like that, but the closest I
can come to describing it. In any event, this particular scene was the first.
Unfortunately sometimes I bollix the description when I'm transferring it to
paper. And in this case, I had rather a psychological block about it since it
was the first scene.
@@@@@

          ><SNIP>   

   "Don't _do_ that!" Onna-Ranma rubbed his breast,
shooting an angry glance at his father.

   "I'm sorry . . .sorry," Genma wept, blood shot eyes
taking in his "son's" petite form, flowing red-hair falling
below her softly flaring hips and amply filled tunic. "I'm
sorry, m'boy."

  . . .sorry -- . . . sorry

  Why shift from 'him' to 'her' so suddenly?

@@ There's a funny story about that . . . actually it isn't really that funny.
Because it drove me crazy. The IDEA was to use "him" when it was Ranma's POV
or someone who knew that 'Ranko' was a 'him'. "HER" was supposed to be used
by/when people thought Ranko was 'really' female OR in this case to introduce
Ranma's change to the reader. Unfortunately after 115,000 words of trying to
keep it straight . . .oh well. It was a good idea. I tried to go back and fix
it, but I think I made it worse. I'm going to try to go through chapter by
chapter as I post.

In THIS case I wanted to have the rhythm:  
"his son's" . . . "her" . . ."m'boy" to introduce and accentuate Ranma's
gender change for an audience NOT familiar with Ranma. FFML readers know the
Ranma story so well, that it's possible to use a sort of 'short hand' in
writing. You can introduce Ukyou and readers know what she looks like and
aren't surprised if she whips out an uber-spatula. However, in an original
story, you'd have to go into more detail. In this case I wanted to introduce
Ranma and his gender change as if to an audience who'd never heard of him. I
DO use a lot of short-hand throughout the story as a practical matter. But I'm
using this as an exercise in writing. ^_* So occasionally I do something like
this, to see if it works.
@@@@

<SNIP>

  dunno pop -- dunno, pop

  "You don't?" Genma asked, surprised. "I thought everyone loved N'Sync."

  (Nah, that's too low for even this Genma.)

@@People use puns in this story. They all come to a bad end.
@@@@

<SNIP>

  Jeez pop, -- Jeez, Pop,

  "Jeez pop? Is that like Christian Rock?"

@@ VERY bad ends.
@@@@

<SNIP>

   "Ahhh . . ." Akane wiped her mouth daintily and
swivelled to look at the wall clock. "Kasumi should be on
her way home from yobiko and Nabiki . . ." she chewed her
lip in thought. "It's Tuesday?" Her father nodded. "Then I
_think_ she's negotiating space for the pachinko machine
she just refurbished."

  Is 'yobiko' a proper noun? If so, it should be capitalized.

@@It was in small letters, I think, when I found it online.
I meant to go back and make that a little clearer in any event.
Yobiko is a special cram school for science, math, biology, etc.
as opposed to cram school for Japanese classics.
@@@@

<SNIP>

Xiao li cang dao
(Conceal a dagger in a smile)

  Interesting.

@@ I spent DAYS working on these chapter headings. I'm about to think
I should go into Asian studies. ^_O)
@@@@

<SNIP>

   "We ain't stoppin' 'til we reach th' Tendou's."
Ranma groused, tightening his grip on his father's arm.  The
bar scene affected Genma like chumming for sharks,
except a shark had better table manners.

  Tendou's." Ranma -- Tendou's," Ranma

  except a shark -- Reads a bit clumsily. I would reword that, but that's 
just me. :/

@@I'd show you the original (this is rev. 10,btw) but that would be to cruel.
It's not a 'bit clumsy', it's bloody awful. (Well, actually I have done worse.
And in this story) But I never got around to anything better. 
It's one of those things that I mark with ##CHANGE or ##FIX and come back
later to work on. And I did change it. But I had other priorities (even worse
things) so didn't mark it for a follow up. 
I worried about the last two pages of chapter 3 for weeks. Kasumi had a line
of dialogue that just did NOT work. I finally fixed it. Deleted it, and then
the scene worked. The problem is, I get hung up or fixated on some things.
That's why editors are so important. 
Look for a book:
Max Perkins: Editor of Genius
ISBN: 1573226211

It's not only interesting, but teaches a lot about the editing
process. 
Among other people, he edited 
Thomas Wolfe {Look Homeward Angel}
and cut huge chunks out of the novel. someone asked him how he
could bear to cut out Thomas Wolfe's deathless prose and he said,
'don't worry, Tom will put in his next book'. 

@@@@


<SNIP>

   "It's my doujou," Akane repeated, dipping a slice of
yellow- tail into a bowl of sauce and popping it into her
mouth. Immediately her eyes teared and her whole body
broke out in a sweat. Picking up a small bottle she dumped
another three ounces of Habanero concentrate into the
sauce, bringing the Scoville rating to six million units, or
about three times that of police pepper spray.  With a small
moue of pleasure she reached for another piece of fish.

  yellow- tail -- yellow-tail
  I would suggest dropping the long explanation about just how hot Akane's 
food is -- it reads like a textbook, and really jars an otherwise good 
flow for the story.

@@Unfortunately it's a setup for chapter 3. And things in other chapters, but
chapter 3 is most immediate. I spent a lot of time on that one. It could
probably use some more work. I'll look at it and see what comes to mind.
@@@@

   "How will Ranma make the Musabetsu kakutou
Sao . . .Tendou-ryuu," Akane carefully copied Genma's
slip, "the greatest in Japan?" She popped the fish between
her lips, shuddering from the endorphin kick as a ball of fire
exploded in her mouth.

  Still doesn't add much to the story the way it's presented. I think you 
probably want to keep it, since it's so central to establishing how 
tough Akane is, so maybe instead of scrapping it it could be reworked 
more subtely -- to aid the story flow.

@@ It's not supposed to be subtle. ^_^ I could probably edit it some.
@@@@

<SNIP>

   " . . .sacrificing my health and comfort. All with the
knowledge that I was working toward uniting our two
schools," Genma put all that remained of what once had been
a formidable personal charisma into his voice. "I . . .I have
been too long on the road, away from the civilizing influence
of the fairer sex," he smiled at Kasumi and was gratified to
see a softening in her eyes, and those of Nabiki as well. "The
thought that it is all in vain, that our great family arts that
have survived through the centuries might, at last die out . .
.it is almost too much to endure." He let his shoulders slump
artistically and was gratified to hear a gasp of alarm from
each of the two Tendou girls. Even better, Soun put an arm
around his shoulders to support him.

  'each of the two'? Aren't there three present? ;) Might work better to 
underscore thatr Akane's not included in that regardless.

@@Hmmmm . . .now, is this a goof on my part? Or was I trying to subtly show
a familial distance between Nabiki/Kasumi vs. Akane? Could be either or both.
Good suggestion on a fix. 
@@@@

<SNIP>

   "Hey!" Ranma wasn't real pleased with this sudden
turn of events himself. Kasumi was a real sweetheart and
Nabiki had  possibilities. But as for _her_ . . .he'd rather eat
worms creamed on toast. Looking at Akane's face screwed
up in anger, the worms were looking downright appetizing.
Long years on the road, having to deal with Genma's
mistakes, clean up after him and act the peacemaker, enabled
him to control his tongue. Barely.

  Ranma's refinement as a con artist serves as a good foil for Akane's 
character, here.

@@Huh . . .I'm glad you like it. I wasn't sure if the whole characterization
for Ranma was going to work or not. This particular passage . . .
I like the first line:
 "Hey" Ranma wasn't real pleased. . . 
I think that's a good strong beginning.
But the last line:
Long years . . . Barely.

Isn't nearly as strong.  And them middle bit is clunky.  I like the worms bit,
but it doesn't flow as smoothly as I'd like. Not compared to the beginning
line.

I'm glad the characterizations are working out. ^_*.
@@@@

<SNIP>

   "I agree," Soun got to his feet. Kasumi and Nabiki
looked as if someone had dropped the Tokyo Dome on
them, while Genma and Ranma looked only slightly less
stunned. "Let us go to the doujou, where Ranma," he gave
the young martial artist a narrow look, "will fight my
daughter for the privilege of marrying her."

  Interesting.

  Wish I had more free time to offer better comments, but I'm still kept 
awfully busy. >_<

  Dratted RL....

  Anyway, those are my comments, for what they're worth, and I hope you 
find them helpful.

<SNIP>

@@Very helpful. Thanks a lot. I appreciate your taking the time
to C&C.
@@@@ 

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