Usual comment style, where I bother to use it.

Tannim Murphy wrote:

Today's fic was brought to you by...

...PEPSI!  LOTS OF PEPSI!

<snip>

Disclaimer:  Sailor Moon, (Trigin:Trigun), and Slayers do not belong to us,
they belong to their respective owners.  We are not making any money
off of this.

Kagato, similarly, was testing his own newfound powers.  What worried
him, though, was the way his body (he'd already started to think of
his astral body as the real thing) continually absorbed the emotions
rolling off Setsuna every time Tannim asked that question.  And even
more unsettling was the way they felt when absorbed.  It felt really
good.  This would have been unsettling for anybody, but knowing what
he was, Kagato was more worried than an uninformed individual would
have been.

Overuse of "unsettling". (Incidentally, I did have some issues with a 
few of the snipped bits, but nothing I could easily put my finger on; 
I've learned that when I try to cover everything that niggles at me I 
get bogged-down -n'-floundering pretty quickly and it has an impact on 
the rest of my commentary, so I left them alone.)

Tannim pulled back a foot in preparation (in kicking:for kicking:to kick) a small pebble.
Suddenly, trajectories, velocities, thoughts of how to ricochet off
buildings, people, trees, thoughts of where to kick the pebble, which
part to make contact with the shoe; all of these things flooded his
mind with all the primal power of an animalistic instinct, something
felt emotionally, not intellectually grasped.

You might want to rephrase the initial sentence in other ways than just 
the minor one(s?) given; they were just the first to mind and the 
easiest to suggest.

Then he kicked.

*plink*

The stone hurled itself past the nose of a passerby.

Hurled itself? My, that stone didn't want to be kicked, did it?

(Careening:Careering) off a the cement of a windowsill, the pebble continued on
it's course.

A common mistake; I've even seen Jay Leno mock a newspaper piece for 
doing it correctly, once. "Careening" is what you do with a boat when 
you bring it up on the beach, usually so you can fix it; "careering" is 
something like dashing along at a headlong pace, not necessarily paying 
much attention to where you're going.

Kagato, watching all this with minimal (at first), but ever growing
interest, turned to Tannim when it was over.  "How...?" was all he
asked, the question evident on his face.

The first sentence flows a little awkwardly. I've tried several minor 
variants in my head, but they all fell apart on me, so I'm not sure what 
to suggest beyond that you give it a little more work.

Tannim shook his head slowly, before placing the pebble in his pocket.
"I got skills," he said, a small amount of awe evident in his voice.
"Keen."

Sure you don't want to spell that "skillz"? I disapprove of the usage 
generally, but in the context of the rest of the sentence (what there is 
of it), it seems almost more appropriate that way.

"Are we th-"  The rest of Tannim's comment was cut off by another
elbow to the stomach.

Since this is the first such elbow this chapter, you might want to 
rephrase this a little.

Kagato just listened with his eyes shut, a small grin slowly growing
on his face.  He could see Setsuna's exasperation when asked, and (the:her)
growing doubt in her choices as well.  He deigned to remain quiet, and
see what kind of hole Tannim dug himself.

A couple of other things. One, on "exasperation when asked", you might 
want to make clear about asked what ("exasperation at the question", 
maybe? I'm not exactly the best at these things, most of the time). Two, 
"deigned to remain quiet"? The word implies doing someone else a favor 
by bothering to do (or not do) something; while it does convey an 
appropriate Xelloss-like attitude, it doesn't seem to appropriately 
describe his action.

"And where are we supposed to live, anyway?  I don't remember reading
anything telling us where we're going to sleep.  Do we have to sleep
in the park?  We'd smell kinda funny after the first few days..."
Tannim rambled on about different things, from expenses to what kind
of shampoo he liked to use.

Is he normally like this, or is this new since the Vash transformation?

(I'm going to have to find the time to watch the rest of Trigun, if I'm 
going to read this series... I haven't gotten past about episode six.)

Setsuna frowned at Tannim.  "Those are all valid questions, and the
answers will be revealed to you... in time." Setsuna said, cutting him
off.  She was thankful, at least, that Kagato wasn't asking any
questions.

Repetition of "Setsuna".

The use of "time" seems suggestive, but there doesn't seem to be any way 
to relate what she's talking about to her role as Guardian of the Door 
of Time...

In fact, looking at him closely, she recognized that look on his face.
She'd used it at a Senshi meeting or two before.  She realized she'd
have to keep an eye on Kagato just as much as she would with Tannim.
With this revelation, she sighed, shrugged in her head, and turned to
continue giving them their tour of Juuban.

Use of "she" seems somehow a little excessive; I'd suggest two things, 
just off the top of my head. One, eliminate somehow one of the two uses 
of "She" at the beginning of a sentence; two, replace the last 
occurrence with "Setsuna". This might cause its own problems, but... a 
lot of my ideas do that. (This is part of why I don't write.)

Setsuna had a mental eyebrow twitch at the anticipated flood of
questions.

Conveys the idea well enough, but is grammatically odd. I'm not sure 
what would work, but all the ideas I've tried so far (the first halves 
of which have failed) have had the second half conclude with ", 
anticipating a flood of questions.". For what that's worth.

"What floor are we staying on?  Is it high up?  I like high places.
But not too high.  Too high and I start getting airsick.  Is it too
high?  What are our neighbors like?  Are they noisy?  Do they hate
noise?  Are they nosy?  Do they like their privacy?  Are they-"

I don't even remember anything *this* excessive from *Vash*.

Kagato started to say something, and then frowned.  Finally, "I'm not
going to merit that with a response," was all he said, before turning
him to look at the sweating orderly who stared at Kagato like he'd
grown a third eyeball.

Suggest either "dignify that with a response", or "give that the merit 
of a response", though even the latter form is at least a little 
unusual; I give it only because I don't see how Tannim's question was at 
all unreasonable, as the first suggested form would imply.

Kagato grinned at the orderly, and disappeared again.  A few moments
later, when the elevator doors rumbled open, there, leaning against
the back wall like he hadn't a care in the world, stood Kagato.  He
was grinning annoyingly at Tannim, and, as he'd already begun to grow
used to doing, his eyes were closed.

Suggest perhaps "and his eyes, as had already begun to become his habit, 
were closed.", or something along those lines.

You've also got somewhat excessive commage in that paragraph. ^_^

Tannim pushed the button with a big '7' on it.  "Your room number is
seventy-four, if you're curious."  By the time he had turned back
around, Kagato was already gone.

Kagato looked around the studio apartment he would be calling home for
a while, and sighed.  Moving in was always hard... but being in
another country, he didn't even have his computer with him.  It was
somewhere in his world, at the airport in Tokyo, never to be seen
again.

Lack of a continuity separator here - Kagato just went from one place to 
another, and we didn't see any of his going in between (even his arrival 
in the apartment - whether he came through the door or just manifested 
inside), so we should probably have some sort of textual disconnect. (A 
double- or triple-space should work, as would the same 
double-hyphen-as-paragraph separator you use immediately afterwards - 
though repeating it so soon would probably not be a good idea.)

Nodding thoughtfully, Tannim remarked, "Nice digs."  The place was a
studio apartment; one big room and bathroom off to the side.  He
wandered around a bit, checking the closet (half filled with normal
clothing, the other half filled with duplicates of his red trench
coat), poking around the fridge (fully stocked!), and finally he
wandered into the sleeping area.

Might want a line or two about him looking around before commenting on 
the place; the same would do for Kagato, a couple paragraphs above.

Repetition of "wandered" in the last sentence.

Tannim absently holstered the esoteric revolver within his coat
without really thinking about it, only feeling the sensation of a part
of him being restored to (it's:its) rightful place.

Knocking loudly on the door, Tannim shouted "Howdy, neighbor!" in his
most cheerful voice.

The door swung open at Tannim's pounding to a furnished apartment.

Kagato, however, was nowhere in sight.

I'd consider making these three a single paragraph, and replacing the 
second "Tannim" with a "his".

Tannim crashed headfirst into the floor.  He picked himself up,
rubbing the quickly fading bruise.  "Jeez.  I've got to be more
careful around you."  He shook his head to clear it.  "Anyway, as I
was going to explain... apparently I've taken on the characteristics
of a character from that.  Vash the Stampede, also known as the
'Humanoid Typhoon,' even if he isn't exactly human.  I won't go into
details, but the main thing is this gun," he held up the strange-
looking revolver, "combined with my right arm can create an 'angel
arm' capable of destroying all of Tokyo.  Sort of a 'last resort' type
of weapon."

And does he have any inkling of how to *use* this last-resort weapon? 
Knowing it can be done is one thing, but figuring out how to get it to 
happen can be quite another. ^_^

"Yeah, I think I'll hit the sack.  It's been a busy day and all, and
getting teleported to other universes wears a guy out..." Tannim
stretched, and then moved to leave the room. He mutters to himself,
"worse than jetlag, I swear," as he leaves.

Kagato, once Tannim leaves, moves over to the bed and lies down. Only
then does he realize he doesn't feel even remotely tired.

After a few minutes just lying there, he disappears, and, on the
astral plane, begins to explore Tokyo at night.

Sudden switch to the present tense for these last two-and-a-third 
paragraphs here. Correcting that will necessitate some rephrasing, at 
least in the second paragraph. There's also some minor commage in the third.

Chapter Two End


Author's Notes:

Tannim:  Slightly shorter chapter, just sort of getting the filler out
of the way.  Just to let you know, I supplied all the Japanese
featured in this story.  If you could please correct me on my
mistakes, I'd be grateful.  C&C is always welcome.

Mistakes on the Japanese? I don't know it well enough to contribute 
much, but aside from the somewhat odd way of presenting it (what's with 
those hyphens?), it seems accurate enough - assuming "roomu" is a 
reasonable usage, which it may well be. ^_^
I'd note that the Japanese "seven" I know best is "nana", not "shichi"; 
there are several words that mean each of the numbers 1 through 9, but 
for each of them one appears to be much more common than the others.
If writing it myself, I would turn the hyphens into spaces most of the 
places where you used them, but in a couple of places - in the middle of 
the numbers being the main one - I'd just cut them out and run the words 
together. But that's my own way of doing things, and does not 
necessarily bear any relation to anything standard. ^_^

Kagato: I know.. Well. Yeah. That Japanese will be going away just as
Soon as Kagato (Mazoku-type) learns some Japanese... which will be
soon. Sorry, ya'll. Oh.. good thing pointed out, as well. Setsuna was
speaking English... though it wasn't stated anywhere. Perfect,
uncommentable English too, apparently. Sorry about that. Yes.. this
was fleshing-out and filler stuff.. next chapter, though.. ::evil
laughter:: Well.. you'll just have to wait and see!  C&C Appreciated,
Flames are highly entertaining, as well.

Didn't seem to filler-ish to me, at least not as such fics go; this 
one's shaping up to be a rather good one, the best I've seen in quite 
some while. I'm hoping it doesn't turn disastrous (as a story, not in 
terms of the events therein) and doesn't crash and burn, as so many of 
these things have a tendency to do; I'm looking forward to seeing where 
this goes. ^_^

-- 
       The Wanderer

I feel I should warn you I'm slightly mad.

Warning: Simply because I argue an issue does not mean I agree with any 
side of it.

A government exists to serve its citizens, not to control them.

"I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much 
liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it."
  - Thomas Jefferson to Archibald Stuart, 1791. ME 8:276


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