[FFML] Re: [Ranma][Lemon]Choose your own adventure 7 (Revised)


Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer.
I've had some problems recently with authors
who have gotten a little . . .personal in their
response to my C&C. Hence, the following:

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. NOTHING
I say should be taken personally.  My comments
and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I 
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.
I C&C as if the story were going to be published
in the real world, for money. I'm suggesting
changes that, IMO, would make a better
story.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even 
professional editors make mistakes.  Different
people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps I am wrong.
Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care.
That's fine.  Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

I'll be glad to discuss issues regarding
writing and storytelling at length. 

BUT

Please don't get personal.
No sarcasm, cutting or denigrating
remarks. And no profanity. 
It wastes time better spend on writing.
If you think my C&C is so far off the mark,
just delete it, unread, and go on to something 
more interesting.

I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.
##########################################################################

Adam Brown <a.brown10@shaw.ca> wrote:

***** YOU GET TO CHOOSE!!! YOU HAVE THE POWER!!! ****

Here is the next installment of Choose Your Own Adventure!

Basically, you tell me what should happen next.  I either pick one that's the best or combine

various responses with my own ideas and write the next chapter.  This way, you get to have a say
in writing the story without having to go through the effort of actually writing!


Special thanks to the many people who have contributed to this story.

Just a reminder that if you don't see any of your suggestions so far, just be patient.  The story's

not over yet.


LEMON WARNING!  DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!!!


<Chinese>


@@Title is off putting. This is the first chapter I've read because of that.
Disclaimer???
I'm not fond of reader 'keys' such as <Chinese>. I think they break the flow
of the story. And, they usually aren't needed. They certainly didn't help in this story.
BECAUSE . . . you didn't NEED them. ^_*
story if perfectly fine w/o them.

Now for the good :Overall a good read. Dialogue is very good in most instances. Story flows
smoothly and is interesting.

Bad: Narrative is almost nonexistent. Reader has virtually no sense of place or time.
No segue from one scene to the next.
I sympathize with this. I have much the same problems. But, you have to have 
some narrative, to build a word picture of place, time, emotion, movement, etc.

Ugly: The sex scenes are much too clinical.  Actually some surprisingly good stuff, 
(Because erotica is VERY difficult) but uneven and jarring in spots.


Now, I'll try for a few examples of what I'm talking about.
@@@@


       The assembled Saotome and Tendo clan stood on the platform to
one of Tokyo's many public train stations.

@@Why not NAME the station? Here's a nifty little trick.
Something like a Japanese train station is a perfect spot for narrative. It's exotic,
strange names, vending machines, goth-girls, giant TV screens, Hari Krishna's 
with tambourine feeding the homeless (depending on the station) This is a perfect 
place to pause for description. Anchor the reader in place, draw a word 
picture of people, place, smell, sound, etc. Because it IS so alien to most readers, they
won't mind a _short_ time out from action. Better if woven INTO the action. BUT,
you've got lots of colourful stuff to play with so even a static scene will hold their attention.
There are lots of descriptions of Train stations on the web, even live-cam's, so you've got lots of
material to work with.

EXAMPLE: (NOT a train station, but I already had this written)

A brisk ten minute walk brought him to three city blocks of barely organized chaos that was the
worlds largest fish market, where 35,000 vehicles and 60,000 people attempted to move 2,700
tons of fish a day to fill Tokyo's enormous stomach. Moving quickly, but carefully to avoid falling
victim to one of the dozens of fast moving blue-carts-of-death, he began  his search of the vast
warehouse complex.  Starting against the left-hand wall he began pushing his way through the
dense pack of people who were avidly examining the seafood crammed into small booths lining
each passageway. There were hundreds of these booths, some offering easily recognizable kinds
of fish, others stomach wrenchingly alien creatures and some did not even appear edible. A
staggering array of urchins, seaweed, and clams spilled out of boxes, while other sea denizens
flopped, flapped and splashed in tanks of brine.  Bare electric bulbs hanging from steel girders
illuminated a riot of green, pink, blue, and red fish that gleamed wetly in the harsh electric light.
Other fish of duller hue contrasted oddly with trays of bright orange and yellow roe while delicate
cut-glass bottles of squid ink were offered for the more discerning palate. 


@@This isn't perfect by any means. But do you see what I mean by using an exotic local to make
a static description reasonably  interesting? And, of course, you can interweave dialogue/action
with this. But with this, or at least a _little_ of this, the reader now has a word picture, something
to help give a sense of place, rather than just floating around in a void.
@@@@




 <SNIP>

       Nabiki put one hand on Ranma's shoulder.  "Out of the fire and
into the frying pan, eh?"  Ranma groaned.  He then noticed Akane was
missing.
       "Where's Akane?"
       "I think she left after the first glomp."


@@A couple of minor things here and there where the dialogue seemed too 
stilted, but nothing major. My only real gripe is "glomp". Don't like it. Nope,
don't like it at all. It's not as bad as "green hair" or <shudder> "sweatdrop", but its's
irritating. Mostly I think because I've seen it used in so many BAD stories. 
@@@@

@@Transition? When is this happening? Who is speaking?
Who is being spoken to?


       "Master!  Master!  Wonderful news?  They're back!"


@@at first i thought it was someone at the Nekohanten, but
later on decided it was Sasuke to Kuno. But there's no sense
of time or space. Just a disembodied voice.
@@@@


<SNIP>
       "Behold," he boomed.  "The Blue Thunder of-uurk!"  Mousse,
itching for a fight ever since seeing Ranma, lashed out almost
instantly, striking Kuno with a blunt head attached to a chain.  The
weapon struck him in the throat and drove him back to the wall, where
several knives pinned him to it.


@@ It sounds as if Kuno got skewered THROUGH the throat.
Makes talking difficult.
@@@@

       "<SNIP>
       <I would say a week or two should be sufficient.  By then we
should have a good idea if anything strange...well stranger than normal,
is going on there.  Remember, if something does happen, do nothing!
Just observe!  We need information right now, not action.>


@@NO transition. NO narrative to give an idea of time/place or
anything. The reader is just suddenly transported to . . . ???
 where
is this? When is this? At least put a break between scenes. Perhaps
something like:

*****
    *****

Which is what I use for scenes within a chapter.
I have trouble with this as well. (Just look at some of 
my older stuff. It's a wonder anyone could even read it.)
But, I've learned that you've got to do something. It's clear
to you as author, when and where to break. Not so clear to 
reader.
@@@@


       A week, she thought mournfully.  I've been following the girl
for a week and nothing.  Stifling a sigh, Shampoo glared angrily at
Nabiki's bedroom window, which was easily visible from the rooftop from
across the street.  The window was open and the curtains drawn aside,
but the room itself was dark.  So far, she had managed to remain
undetected.  Not that it mattered, nothing was happening anyway.
       Glancing at her watch, she noticed it was almost 1 a.m.  Well,
time to go.  She stood and was about to leave her post, when she saw
movement in Nabiki's bedroom.  Moving like lighting, she managed to slip
up to Nabiki's window just in time to see the door to the room close.
Nabiki was not in the room.
       Dropping silently into the room, Shampoo when to the door and
pressed her ear against it.  Nothing.  Opening it, she discovered that
the hallway was empty.  She started towards the stairs, but stopped as
she heard a muted voice coming from what was now Ranma's room.  Stopping
at the door, she listened.

       Nabiki padded quietly into Ranma's room.  It was the room he had
originally been given when he first arrived.  Of course, they thought he
was female at the time, and needed the privacy.  Now, with Genma gone,
he did not need the space of the large room, and he moved in here.
       The room itself was sparsely decorated, but that was not too
surprising, since he probably had not had his own room for years.  His
nomadic lifestyle had also discouraged purchasing mementos.


@@Now this was NICE. Very good narrative. 
@@@@

       On the bed lay Ranma.  Well, Ranma-chan actually.  It seemed
that she had taken a cold bath before going to bed.  She was asleep, her
covers thrown aside, showing her most interesting parts.  Nabiki smiled.
       "This is too easy," gloated Nabiki to herself.  It was amazing
how events seemed to fit together.
       First, after trying for days to get Ranma in this position and
failing, her period had started, halting any plans she had.  Then,
according to the weather service, the heat wave, which had lasted for
almost a month, would be ending any day, increasing the work Nabiki
would have to do to get Ranma unclothed.


@@Awkward bit about the "heat wave". I had to read it a couple
of times to figure out what you meant. Good idea, just
a little hard to follow, for me, as written.
@@@@

       Just when it seemed her task would be impossible, her period
ended and the heat wave still had a day or two to go.  Taking advantage
of the opportunity, she now had Ranma-chan exactly where she wanted her.
       "So, Ranma, what shall I do first," she said, not really trying
to keep quiet.  Akane's room was across from Ranma's, and they both
could sleep through a hurricane.  Nabiki reached out and fondled Ranma-
chan's left breast.  Feeling the nipple harden at the contact, Nabiki
grinned and pinched it gently.  Below here Ranma-chan shifted slightly,
her breath coming slightly faster.  One hand moved towards the opening
between her legs, but stopped before it got there.
       One of Nabiki's eyebrows rose.  "So, Ranma, not as innocent as
we first thought."  Reaching down, she touched Ranma-chan's bare cunt


@@OK, this is where you first lose me. 'bare cunt'??? <urrrrk>
That certainly jarred me out of the story. 
@@@@

and began to massage it.  Ranma-chan moaned slightly, her hips pushing
up, trying to increase the contact.  Taking a nipple in her mouth,
Nabiki suckled Ranma-chan's tit.

@@ 'tit'??? <eeeep>

NABIKI: "Boy, that's the hungriest tit I've ever had to suckle"
KASUMI: "Here's some pablum for it."
@@@@


 She did this for several careful

minutes, as the smell of Ranma-chan's juices filled the air around them.


@@NABIKI: "I'd like grape, please.
 RANMA-chan: "Sorry, all out of grape. I've got some ch----"
 NABIKI: "Don't say it!"
RANMA-chan: "Don't say chokeberrie juice?"


       Shampoo, barely able to hear what was going on, squatted down
and peeked through the keyhole.  Here eyes widened and her mouth fell
open.  Nabiki was bent over Ranma-chan, and it wasn't too hard to figure
out what was happening.


@@
NABIKI: "OK, it's a deal. 50,000Y, to remove the cucumber and
another 100,000Y not to publish the pictures."
@@@@

 Shampoo also had a clear view of what was

happening between Ranma-chan's legs.  Nabiki's hand was pressing against
Ranma-chan's mound, and Shampoo could see that something had coated
Nabiki's hand that glistened in the dim light.

@@ I keep waiting for Nabiki to ask Ranma-chan to bend over and
cough.
@@@@

 Fighting against the

intense rage that rushed through her, she remembered her grandmother's
words.  Watch, don't act.  Well, she would do just that.


@@<VBG> cute.
@@@@


       For several minutes, Ranma-chan writhed under Nabiki's touch.
Amazingly, she did not waken.


@@RANMA-chan: "I've heard of people _walking_ in their sleep . . ."
NABIKI: <zzzzzzz snort> "     Ohhh P-chaaaan!" <zzzzzzzz>
@@@@
Misplaced modifier.
NABIKI: "I found it!"
RANMA-chan: "Ewwww . . . it's all glisteny!"
@@@@

 Nabiki herself ached with the need to

touch herself, but she resisted, determined to get Ranma-chan to do the
touching.  Taking her hand off of Ranma-chan's mound, she smelled the
slick juice on it.


@@NABIKI: "This mound smell funny."
RANMA-chan: "I've also got Almond-joy."
@@@@

 This was something she had not done in a long time.

Her eyes smoldering with lust, Nabiki moved down and place her head
between Ranma-chan's legs.  Parting the damp lips with her fingers,
Nabiki took a long lick with her tongue.


@@ NABIKI: "How many licks does it take to get to the center . . ."
RANMA-chan "That's just SICK!"
NABIKI: "I can unwrap a stick of gum with my tongue."
SHAMPOO: <dragging Nabiki, packaged like a sausage in red latex, by the ankles > "Great
grandmother? She followed me home. Can I keep her?"

       Ranma-chan's reaction was immediate.  She groaned loudly, so
loud, that Nabiki was afraid for a moment that she might wake someone
up.  Carefully, Nabiki continue to lick Ranam-chan's cunt, lapping up
her juices, tongue flicking against Ranma's protruding clit, then
sliding down to her vaginal canal.



@@NABIKI: "Well, your cervix is in good shape, but I found some polyps . . ." 
@@@@

She sucked on Ranma-chan's blood

engorged lips,


@@RANMA VAN-HELSING: "Get back, foul creature of darkness!"
        NABIKI; "Is that a stake in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
@@@@

 and then thrust her tongue into Ranma as far as it could

go.


@@NABIKI: "Ewwww, ear wax!"
@@@@

 She repeated this, varying it slightly from time to time.


@@NABIKI: <Checking off a list on her PDA> "Hmmm, ears all the way to the
tympanic membrane. Nostrils . . ." <pulls up a 3D anatomy model. "Licked back of
eyeballs, check. Tickled tonsils, check.  Slurped the cervix . . ."
@@@@


       "Akane," whispered Ranma.  She was above him, gazing down on him
with lusted filled eyes.  Her small breasts were soft under his fingers,
and small nipples were as hard as small pebbles.  Arranging herself,
Akane guided herself onto him.  Ranma's world exploded in pleasure, as
she rocked above him, his member sliding in and out of her in a joyous
rhythm.  Thrusting up into her, Ranma groaned.  He was almost there,
almost!  Just as he reached the height of his passion, above him, Akane
faded and the dream around him dissolved.


RANMA: <looking around his room which looks like the EVIL-DEAD III set>"Oooops?"
NODOKA: <picking her way through tattered bloody Akane-bits> "Oh, my son is so manly!"
AKANE-bits: <squelching along the floor> "I thought exploded in pleasure was a metaphor!"
@@@@


       Ranma-chan woke, feelings of ecstasy still thrilling along her
nerves.  For a moment she laid there, eyes closed, still thinking this
was a dream.  Then, data accumulated from her senses finally convinced
her otherwise.  She sat up slightly, trying to figure out what was going
on, and saw her uninvited guest, head between her legs, tongue and mouth
eliciting gasps and groans from her body.


@@RANMA-chan: "Boy now that's flexible!"
NABIKI: "Now you know why I never leave the house."
@@@@

       "Nabiki!" Ranma-chan gasped,

@@ "I'm giving you just three weeks to stop that!"
@@@@


trying to ignore the sensations

coming from between her legs and failing miserably.  "What are you
doing?"  Nabiki paused a moment to look up.  The ache of denied pleasure
was almost enough to make Ranma-chan push Nabiki's mouth back into her
box.
       "What does it look like?" she returned.

@@ "I'm looking for the CD player you borrowed. HEY! My 'Best of Box Car Willie' CD!"
@@@@

 "You don't want me to

stop do you?"  Without waiting for a response, Nabiki's tongue continued
her work.


@@RANMA-chan; "Boy, don't you hate it when your tongue doesnt listen?"
@@@@


       Shampoo watched the two, her own body reacting and demanding
attention.  Her breasts and clit ached for attention, and she had to
fight the desire to satisfy herself.  Obeying her Grandmother, she
watched, and watched.

@@SHAMPOO: "It's a hard job, but somebody's got to do it."
@@@@

Ranma-chan's moans become more intense, and, with

a hiss of indrawn breath, she came, her small body shaking.  Ranma-
chan's legs trembled and shook, her chest heaving with her exertions.
Shampoo bit her lip and gasped quietly as Ranma-chan's orgasm shook her
body.


@@ MOANS, LEGS and ORGASM: Saotome Ranma's three illegitimated brothers, now Yakuza thugs.
MOANS: "We're the man, see. Ya can't mess with us, see. We'll kill ya if ya get in our way, see!"
LEGS; "Ccccalm ddddown Mmmmmoans."
ORGASM: "Let me shake sum manners inta dis mug, boss!"
@@@


       Nabiki sat up and grinned.  Her mouth glistened with Ranma-
chan's come.

@@Well, THAT's a pretty picture.
@@@@

       "Have fun?" she asked the red headed girl.
       Ranma-chan just lay there, overwhelmed by what she had just
experienced: her first orgasm as a woman.  She was surprised by how
similar it felt.  The muscles worked differently, but the sensation was
almost the same.

@@ NABIKI: "Except _we_ can do it for hours and hours and hours and-----".
@@@@

 The sweat on her body cooled, and she eventually

opened her eyes and glared at Nabiki.
       "You could have asked," Ranma-chan said flatly.  Nabiki grinned
impudently, wiping her mouth off with the back of her arm.
       "Would you have said yes?"

@@RANMA: "Of course! Do you think I'm crazy!" 
@@@@

       "No, of course not!"
       "That's why I didn't ask."


@@Cute.
@@@@

       Ranma-chan began to chuckle.  She couldn't help herself.  "I
can't believe this is happening.  A month ago I was just a normal
martial artist with three fianc�es and a psychotic girlfriend.  Now-"

@@Now, I'm just a normal martial artist with three fiancees and a psychotic girlfriend
who's naked sister has her head buried between my silken thighs forcing orgasm
after orgasm on my helpless body. <sigh> I wonder if there's anything good on TV?"
TSUBASA: "I'm a VERY good TV!"
UKYOU: "And I'm on . . . errrrr. . . anyone hungry?"
@@@@

She stopped as Nabiki lay down on top of the red headed girl.  Their
breasts pressed together, and Ranma-chan could feel Nabiki's hot sex
pressed against her thigh.  Her own vagina, she realized, shared the
same spot on Nabiki's thigh.


@@VAGINA: "Now look, we're going to have to set up a schedule if we're going to share this spot.:
HOTSEX: "I'll take the penis on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. You take Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
VAGINA: "I got dibs on the lips on salsa Sunday!"
@@@@

       "Ranma," Nabiki said, giving her a gentle kiss on the lips.


@@At this point, the reader simply MUST ask . . which?
@@@@

"You were never normal."  Humping her hips forward, Nabiki began to
grind her cunt against Ranma-chan's body.  Pleasure radiated out from
her sex, filling her thighs and lower abdomen.  Ranma-chan stared up at
her in wonder, and Nabiki grinned.  Leaning down, she kissed the smaller
girl, who return the kiss eagerly.
       Ranma-chan began mirroring her lover's actions, humping Nabiki's
thigh.  Their bodies pressed together, and sweat pooled between them.


@@EEEEEEEE!
If you were talking about a couple of stray dogs. 
NOT about Ran-chan and Nabiki.
@@@@


       Shampoo could bear it no longer.

@@Neither can I. <G>
@@@@
<SNIP>

@@All kidding aside, get rid of the purple prose and the slits, clits and mounds
and it's not bad. I say this with a great deal of trepidation since "Lure the Tiger" is, according to
one pre-reader, softcore-porn. ^_^

Writing erotica is very difficult. And, different people like different things. It's probable that
you'll find a majority of readers will like it just as it's written. I prefer a more subtle approach. I
cheat! I NEVER get graphic, everything (mostly) is suggestive. I try to stimulate the readers
imagination. And I use a LOT of humor.

SUMMARY:
Good dialogue. Good narrative in spots. But not enough of it.
I think the erotica needs work. I'd go for a less graphic approach, myself.
Some of the steamier romance novels give good examples of what I'm talking about. (And some
of them are so graphic a marine would blush)

Nice read. I'll have to look for earlier chapters.
Hope this has helped a bit.

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