Square [] brackets, Allyn.
Don.
"Tell me pop," Ranma asked sourly as he watched Soun and Nabiki clear the
center of the doujou. Akane was off in the opposite corner, meditating or
something while Kasumi plated Akane's waist-length hair into a single heavy
braid. "are all your friends insane?"
["Tell me, Pop," Ranma asked...heavy braid. "Are all your friends..."]
[POV appears to be Ranma's, but is not actually set.
"Don't be sarcastic boy," Genma slapped his ungrateful son on the head. "all
you've got to do is----"
[Comma after "sarcastic". Capitalize "all". Replace the doubled em dash with
an ellipsis or use a single em dash. The narrative portion firmly places us
in Genma's POV.]
"Beat the crap out of a girl." Ranma's face twisted in disgust. Ripping
someone off for a little cash was one thing, but he didn't hit people who
were helpless, and in his mind, girls were right at the top of _that_ list,
just behind babies, old people and the feeble minded. "I am not going to do
it pop." Ranma hissed in the voice he saved for cons and other serious
matters. "Let's just forget this scam and leave."
[POV now shifted to Ranma without adequate transition.]
"Now listen, boy," Genma dragged Ranma out the doujou door, and away from
prying ears. "you don't have a choice. We _have_ to have a place to stay.
Someplace where no one would think to look for us."
[Dragging does not deliver dialogue. Capitalize the word "you" following
"ears.".]
"That's anyplace that's not a bar." Ranma drawled sarcastically.
[Comma after the word "bar" rather than a period.]
"Ungrateful whelp," Genma smacked him on the head again. "Besides, you'll be
doing her a favor by beating her."
[Exclamation mark after "whelp". Failure to use the verb said, but not an
egregious one. Technically, "him" lacks a proper antecedent, thus improving
the confusion.]
Ranma looked a little skeptical at that. "Look boy, it's better _you_ beat
her now, than let her keep thinking she can do martial arts and she gets
into a fight with someone who will _really_ hurt her." Sensing his son
wavering he went for the clincher. "You're the best there is, you can beat
her easily, _without_ really hurting her . . .can't you?"
[Mixed the actions of one character with the dialogue of another. Extra
space between "_really_" and "hurt". Several pronouns lacking proper
antecedents. POV shifted from that of Ranma to that of Genma.]
"Oh hell yeah," Ranma was insulted that Genma would have any doubts. "but
I'm not gonna hit a girl. Specially not a cripple." He'd rather take his
chances on the road than do something like that. Beating up on someone who
couldn't fight back was like saying _he_ couldn't really fight. That he was
a fake. And he _wasn't_ a fake. Not at this!
[POV shifted back to Ranma. Need an apostrophe ahead of "Specially.]
"You don't have to _hit_, hit her," Genma argued persuasively.
"What th' heck is _that_ supposed to mean?"
"She's a girl," Genma pontificated, as if revealing the secrets of the
universe. "she's probably done a little light sparring, maybe won a few
powder-puff contests, and now she thinks she's a martial artist."
[Replace the period after "universe" with a comma, or capitalize "she's".]
Ranma's face cleared as the light began to dawn and he grinned at his
father.
[This is the proper way to get a character's thoughts across without
shifting POV--by describing the characters, expressions, gestures or other
actions. Describing thoughts directly, via internal monologue and what have
you, constitutes a shift in POV. The problem is, POV still belongs to
Ranma.]
"So . . .you think I should _explain_ the difference between sparring and
fighting?"
"Right, boy," Genma sensed victory. "All you have to do is keep her from
hitting you," Ranma snorted derisively at the thought of anyone, especially
a girl, laying a hand on him, "and hit her a few times. Nothing hard," Genma
hastened to explain as Ranma's face clouded over again, "just enough to get
her attention. Maybe push her down a few times. Until she realizes, until
she's forced to _admit_, that you're better."
[Two shifts in POV, action and dialogue of two characters badly jumbled
together with inadequate punctuation. POV shifted to Genma briefly, then
dropped back into Ranma. _Id est_, assuming Ranma's POV;
"Right, boy!" Genma exclaimed, his facing showing that he sensed a victory.
"All you have to do is keep her from hitting."
Ranma snorted derisively at the thought of anyone, especially a girl, laying
a hand on him. Genma hastened to explain as Ranma's face clouded over again.
"And, hit her a few times, nothing hard, just enough to get her attention.
Maybe push her down a few times, until she realizes--until she is _forced_
to admit that you're better."]
"Heh . . .I'm the _best_!" Ranma cracked his knuckles. "That shouldn't take
mor'n a minute or two."
[Clumsy mix of gesture and dialogue.]
***** *****
Ten minutes later Ranma was revising his estimate upward. Again. Shaking
feeling into his hand he watched Akane sink back into her modified
Mountain-Bear stance.
[Estimate of what?]
*Crap! Iron Belly Shang*, who would have thought a nothin' girl from a
nothin' little doujou would know something like that. Or would have
_trained_ herself hard enough to master the technique. He'd meant to tap
her lightly in the stomach, to knock a little of the fight out of her. It
felt like he'd punched a fire hydrate. He massaged his fingers, out of sight
behind his back, hoping Genma wouldn't see and realize he'd been careless
and hit without being focused.
[Extra space between "herself" and "hard". Need a question mark after the
word "that" in the first sentence. Question mark after "technique". The
third sentence clanks, reading almost as though it were a comma splice. I
suggest revising it. Use "hydrant" in lieu of "hydrate", they are two very
different things. I think you would be better off inserting a "Ranma
thought" phrase in here someplace. That would change the voice of the
narrative and you could do a proper job of having Ranma express himself in
his abrupt and colloquial style. As written, you are trying to do both
formal narrative voice and colloquial.]
But he'd been trying to "not hit, hit her", he thought sarcastically, just
like Genma had suggested. He should have known better than to listen to his
old man. Moving more cautiously, Ranma circled his opponent, looking for an
opening.
[Insert a comma after "But". Extra space between "he'd" and "been". Need
underscores on the first use of "hit".]
If this were a point match, Ranma would have already won. It had taken about
thirty seconds of taunting slaps and a deliberately missed kick to her knee
to establish very clearly that Ranma could hit Akane whenever and wherever
he wanted to. But this match needed a submission or a KO to win. Ranma had
thought a blow to her stomach might scare her. Let her know what a real
fight was like.
[Extra space between "to. and "But". Need to insert a comma after "But,". As
a rule, avoid starting sentences, even casual dialogue-like narrative with
conjunctions. It almost always leads the author into producing and oddly
constructed, hard-for-the-reader-to-follow sentence.]
Looking at the grim-faced girl in front of him, Ranma didn't think she was
too terribly afraid. Yet.
[Replace the period after "afraid" with an em dash.]
Akane shuffled to keep Ranma in front of her, using small sliding steps that
were designed to keep him from using a leg sweep. He thought momentarily
about attacking her left leg, the one with the knee brace, but dismissed the
thought immediately. It wasn't like he was _really_ fighting her. And
crippling his baby girl probably wouldn't win him any points with old-man
Tendou.
[Inverted use of the pronoun "him". Even though this is Ranma thinking, you
should accommodate the reader and use "Tendou's baby girl...win me...points
with him.]
Suddenly Ranma threw himself forward, caught himself on his hands and spun
his lower body around like a cracking whip. The arrastao was a common
maneuver in Capoeira, but almost unknown outside that Brazilian martial art.
The unfamiliar move blew through Akane's defensive stance like a shotgun
blast through soggy tissue and she slammed into the ground.
[Insert a comma after "Suddenly". Oof! Very nasty maneuver. It is outlawed
in most tournaments for good reason.]
Almost immediately Ranma realized his mistake. Akane might be slow on her
feet, but there was nothing wrong with her reflexes. Almost at the instant
she started to fall, her left hand snapped out, grabbed Ranma's leg in a
Crane-Fist and twisted, as she tried to tear the muscle from his calf.
[Extra space between "Ranma" and "realized". Extra space between "be" and
"slow". Extra space between "leg" and "in". The phrase "as she tried" is
miserable construction. I suggest replacing it with "trying".]
Pain ripped through his body, which reacted instantly from thousands of
hours of training. With a choked off scream Ranma jack-knifed forward, and
slammed a Nine- Dragon Fire-Palm into Akane's chest, just below the heart.
He followed immediately with a reverse elbow strike and an axe-hand to
Akane's temple. Even as he was slamming strikes to her body and head, his
free leg kicked hard, as Ranma arched his body back and away, tearing free
of her grip.
[Extra space between "Nine-" and "Dragon". Extra space between "Dragon" and
"Fire-Palm". BTW, that is often a fatal blow if delivered correctly. I have
seen a "knife-hand" but never an "axe-hand".
Landing clumsily from his back flip, he automatically crabbed to the right
to put some distance between them, as his conscious mind caught up with what
he'd done and wondered if he'd killed her. Panting heavily from shock and
favoring his injured leg, he watched, astounded, as Akane regained her feet,
slowly and with much less grace than Ranma. But she showed little sign that
his attack had any effect.
[Comma after "Ranma". Take the capital "B" out of "But".]
*Uh oh.* Either she really _hadn't_ been hurt by his reflexive flurry of
full power strikes, or she could hide her pain even from his trained senses.
He wasn't sure which worried him more.
[Exclamation mark after "Uh-oh".]
"Break!" Soun called, to his relief. Genma's brilliant plan to put Akane
in her place was working---- about as well as his plan to sell oil leases
in Red Square. That particular scheme had bought them box seats at a
hanging. Their own. Only the fact that Genma was so slick a shadow wouldn't
stick to him and so smooth he could sell birth- control to a eunuch had kept
them from being crow-food.
[To whose relief? The first use of "his" lacks a proper antecedent. An em
dash consists of two (--) dashes, not four. Need another em dash after
"hanging", you may, if you wish, leave "Their" capitalized. Insert "that"
between "slick" and "a". Insert a comma after "him". Insert "that" between
"smooth" and "he". Extra space between "birth-" and "control". Insert a
comma between "eunuch" and "had". The more usual term is "crow-bait", but
that's your caw.]
The Tendou patriarch walked slowly over to Ranma and examined him, paying
particular attention to his right leg. He then went to his daughter,
repeating the process, with particular attention to her head, carefully
probing the scalp with gentle fingers.
"Can you continue the fight," he directed this question to Ranma.
[Whoa! Face burn!]
"Uhhhh . . .yes?" Ranma answered, not sure what Tendou-san wanted to hear
and deciding on the truth.
"Can you continue?" This directed toward his daughter, who answered with a
short nod, never taking her eyes off Ranma. It reminded Ranma of the time
in Kolhapur, India, when he'd been running from some villagers under the
impression that Genma owed them three hundred thousand Rupee. While fleeing
for his life he'd stumbled across an old mossy-back water-buffalo with one
calf and no sense of humor. The buffalo had the same look in her eye then,
that the youngest Tendou did now, just before the buffalo tried to unzip him
from crotch to clavicle. Looking into Akane's eyes he wished he were back in
the field with the buffalo.
[Replace the period after "Rupee" with a comma. I think "crotch to
breastbone" might work better, if my memory of human anatomy is serving me
correctly. Beautifully descriptive passage, by the way.]
Soun looked between his daughter and his prospective son-in-law, a
thoughtful expression on his face.
"I declare this match a draw."
"What!" Akane looked at her father in disbelief. "I'm not hurt. I can
still----"
"Whether you are hurt is not the issue." Soun began.
"It's not fair!" Akane raged. "I'm not going to----"
"Be . . .silent." Soun spoke sternly and Akane's mouth snapped shut, a hurt
look passing briefly across her face. "You will marry when I say, and to
whom I say!" Soun grated, pain wenching his heart at the look on his
daughters face. But he _had_ to protect her, from herself as much as from
the world. "You will obey me . . .or leave my house."
[...daughter's face, but...][Passage suffers from a paucity of exclamation
marks.]
*oh crap* Ranma thought, watching Akane's face close up. As a martial artist
(and son of a chronic drunk) he'd learned to read body language very well
indeed. And, unless someone did something, in about half a second Akane was
going throw Soun's threat back in his face and walk out the door with
nothing but the clothes on her back. And Saotome (girl-beater) Ranma and
Saotome (home-wrecker) Genma would follow about three seconds later.
[Oh, crap! Ranma thought, watching...] [Do NOT use parenthesis in fiction.
Use commas instead. I would drop "indeed". It is superfluous and makes the
sentence clank upon the mind's ear. Delete the comma after "something".
Insert a comma between "second" and "Akane". The last sentence is
imaginative, but a grammatical wreck. Suggested fix:
"...back, trailed by Saotome, "The Girl-beater", Ranma and Saotome "The
Home-wrecker", Genma about three seconds later.]
"Great fight, Tendou-san." Ranma interrupted, slipping between father and
daughter, bowing to Akane. "I gotta admit, I think I'm pretty lucky to get a
draw out of this match." He held out his hand, smiling his best
naughty-little- boy-smile, guaranteed to reduce the average female heart to
mush.
[Comma after "Tendou-san" instead of the period. Delete the comma after
"daughter" and instert the word "while" between it and "bowing". extra space
between "little-" and "boy-smile".]
Akane's heart was apparently un-mushable, as she stepped away from him, a
look of contempt on her face.
[Replace the comma after "him" with the word "with".]
"Liar."
"What?" Ranma was offended. That was one of his very best smiles. Honest,
charming, sincere ----Genma had made him practice it in front of a mirror
for hours until he got it right. "What d'you mean by that?" His gracious,
well modulated tone slipped a bit.
[Argh! Timing, Allyn! Timing!'
"What?" Ranma asked sounding deeply offend. He was offended! That was...]
[Extra space between "well" and "modulated". It must've been a
hyphen-thang!]
"You weren't fighting me for real." Her glare should have struck him dead.
"You were just _playing_," she spat, trembling with rage. "You don't take me
serious----"
[The verb "spat" is not a legal substitute for the verb "said" but I am
inclined to let it pass. "Spat" suits the dialogue perfectly.]
Ranma grabbed her by the arm, shutting her mouth with shock as he dragged
her toward the door. "Excuse me." He muttered to Soun, in passing.
"What the hell do you think you are doing!" Akane jerked free of Ranma's
grip. "Keep your hands off me, you clown!"
"Clown?" Ranma was insulted by the injustice of it all. He was trying to
keep the stupid girl from saying something she would regret. Something he'd
regret too, if she queered his and pop's scam. Fortunately, traveling with
Genma had given him plenty of practice in pouring oil on troubled waters.
[Capitalize "Pop's".]
"I think we've gotten off on the wrong foot." he began, smiling his best 'no
hard feeling's smile', adding just a little dimple to show his sincerity as
he extended his hand.
[Comma after "foot".]
"The only wrong foot, was when you deliberately missed with that snap-kick,
you faker! I'm not going to marry someone who treats the ryuu like a joke!"
Dammit. Try to do someone a favor---- "Like I'd wanna marry a shrew like
you." The oil he'd been pouring, suddenly ignited.
[Em dash is two (--) dashes, not four. Clumsy punctuation in any case. Way
out? "Dammit!" Ranma muttered under his breath. "Try to do someone a favor
and what does it getcha?" Aloud he exclaimed, "Like I'd wanna..."]
"Shrew? Shrew!" Akane growled. "I'm a shrew because I call you a liar, a
fake. Probably a pervert too!" she knocked his hand away.
[Question mark after "fake". Use a variant of "said" or capitalize "she".]
"Pervert!" Ranma was astounded. Normally women called him things like
'darling' or 'stallion' or 'honey cake', while he was doing things to them
that would make a Hong Kong whore blush. But _Pervert_? For trying to shake
hands?
["Pervert!" the astounded Ranma shouted. Normally...]
"Hey, I had my hands all over you in there," he jerked a thumb back toward
the doujou, "was _that_ perverted?"
[This does NOT work AT ALL. A variant of "said" is required.]
"That was different,"Akane huffed, "we were fighting."
[Missing a space between "different," and "Akane".]
"Man, that's just stupid. You mean unless a guy is tryin' to beat your
brains out he's perverted if he touches you?" This was scary. She was
starting to make his old-man look _normal_.
[Bwahahaha!]
"OH," Akane stamped her foot, but Ranma yanked his out of the way in time
to keep his instep from being crushed.. "So _now_ I'm stupid!"
[Exclamation mark after "OH". Extra space between "his" and "out". Extra
period after "crushed". Ranma's dialogue should begin on the next line.]
"No, you're stupid now," Akane started to relax slightly. "you must have
_always_ been stupid, 'cause to do the dumb stuff you do takes practice."
"You JERK!" Akane's eyes flashed in fury and her hands flashed towards his
collar, the intention to strangle him clear.
["with fury" "her intention"]
Ranma was faster, trapping both of her hands in one of his.
[Two sentences sinfully joined by a comma.]
*Her wrists . . .they're so tiny* He thought, amazed at how little and
helpless she felt in his grip. A sudden and unaccustomed surge of
protectiveness welled up in him. Which was probably why he didn't sense the
pile-driver knee rocketing toward his groin, until it was almost too late.
At the last instant preternaturally quick reflexes allowed him to take the
hit on his thigh. His leg collapsed under a blow that would have destroyed
the future of the Saotome clan, and he went down, taking Akane with him, to
land in a tangle in the yard.
[Comma after "him", take the capital "W" out of "Which". Delete the comma
after "groin". Whose preternaturally quick reflexes? The voice of this
narrative is out of step with the POV, which still belongs to Ranma. Extra
space between "the" and "Saotome". I would replace the comma after "him"
with a period and start a new sentence. "They landed on the damp ground of
the yard in a tangle.]
"I thought you said you were too young," Nabiki commented evilly as she
sauntered out into the dusk, mildly lamenting the fact she didn't own a
camera.
[Change in POV to Nabiki. Unwarranted given that all you tell us is that she
is wishing for a camera. You would do better to have her say, "Too bad I
haven't got my camera."]
"Ah . . .young love," Genma rhapsodized from the door of the doujou.
"You can be married tomorrow afternoon." Soun offered, hoping Akane would
still be dazed from her fall.
[Exclamation mark or comma after "afternoon" in lieu of the period.]
"Married!" Akane pushed angrily at Ranma. "Get _off_ me, you big jerk!"
"Hey!" Ranma batted at Akane's flailing fists which were beating him into
the ground. "In case you didn't notice, you are on top of _me_!"
[Hopeless mix of action and dialogue.]
"That's right," she ignored his "oof" of pain when she stepped on his
stomach on her way up. "blame _me_ for you clumsiness!"
[She lacks a proper antecedent, given that there are two "she's" in the
scene. Failure to use the verb "said" or some variation thereof. If you
simply must run from the dreaded verb "said", then do us the favor of
replacing the comma after the word "right" with a period.]
""I am NOT clumsy!"
"And I'm NOT marrying you!"
[Two lines of dialogue uttered by the same character in two separate
paragraphs, neither of which has any identifying phrases telling the reader
whom it was that spoke.]
"Who would want to?" Ranma shouted, forgetting the purpose of their being at
the Tendou's. "You crazy ----"
[An ellipsis would work better here, but whatever you do, replace the
doubled em dash with a single em dash.]
"What my son means," Genma said smoothly, subtly kicking Ranma on the shin
to shut him up, "is that a man would have to be crazy not to want to marry
you."
[As written, this is a change in POV from that of Nabiki to that of Genma.
Had you left out the superfluous phrase, "to shut him up", there would not
have been a change in POV. The sixty-four byte question is, did you really
want us in Nabiki's POV in the first place?]
Ranma rolled his eyes. No one in their right mind would believe that
corny----
[Faulty em dash. Change in POV from that of Genma to that of Ranma.]
"Oh Saotome," Soun turned to Genma. "What a beautiful sentiment."
[Comma after "Oh". Failure to use "said".]
He was right. All of his fathers friends _were_ insane.
[Who was right? "He" lacks a proper antecedent. Here your fear of phrases
employing verbs like "said" and "thought" have gotten you and your readers
into a confusing barrel of pickles. Should have been a comma after "right"
instead of a period.]
"Thank you Tendou."
[Comma after "you".]
"And so beautifully expressed."
[Who spoke?]
"I've often thought I should have been a poet."
[Which of the old farts spoke?]
"Akane," Soun turned to face his daughter, "don't you see why Ranma would
make you such a good husband? For the father is the mirror of the son, . .
."
[ROFL!][Failure to use said.]
*Oh, _that's_ a big help daddy.* Nabiki thought sarcastically. Ranma was
suddenly looking _much_ less attractive. Bad enough to have Genma for an
in-law. The thought that Ranma would _become_ Genma----a slight shudder ran
through her.
[Change in POV from Ranma to Nabiki.]
" . . .as the father is, so the son will be." Soun finished, looking at
Genma and seeing his friend as he'd been a decade earlier.
[Change in POV from Nabiki to Soun. You are NOT writing a screenplay. This
is straight prose, Allyn.]
Kasumi felt a trifle nauseated. It would be a sin to let that beautiful boy
grow up to be like that . . .that . .oaf. It was possible his nature had
already been warped by living with Genma all those years, but perhaps the
right woman could re-shape him. She looked over at Genma. Perhaps not.
[Change in POV from Soun to Kasumi.]
Akane had limped back into the doujou while Soun was speaking and ripped a
tanto off the wall.
[ROFL!][Constitutes a change in scene, but not properly transitioned.]
"Akane . . .Akane dear," Kasumi said worriedly as she noticed Akane's
actions. She made a tentative move toward her sister. "I've got some tea
brewing. And some of those sweet biscuits you like so much."
[FINALLY! Dialogue, gestures and action properly written! And, get this, we
are still in Kasumi's POV.]
*Oh hell* Ranma quickly reviewed his repertoire of disarming procedures and
hoped there was a good hospital nearby . . .for both of them. It always
looked so easy in the movies. But unarmed against a knife? That was a
sucker's game, unless you were fast and ruthless. And lucky. Ranma was a big
believer in luck. It was always bad, unless you were dealing the cards from
your own deck. Rule of the road Forty-seven: *Luck flows to the man who
doesn't need to win.*
[Change in POV from Kasumi to Ranma.] [Comma after "movies", take the
capital "B" out of "but". Comma after "ruthless" take the capital "A" out of
"And". Delete the unnecessary article "to" following the word "flows".]
He could break her arm, while she punched a hole through is heart or carved
him a new smile in the same amount of time. The Saotome-Final-Technique had
been developed for _just_ this sort of situation. . . . Rule eighteen, *He
who runs away----lives* Fighting another day was strictly optional.
[Delete the comma after "arm". Period instead of the ellipsis after the word
"situation". "is optional" instead of "was optional". A tanto, by the way,
is a rather long knife, usually being fourteen to twenty sun (inches") in
length.]
"Akane?" Soun's eyes got wide as he saw the blade in his daughter's hand.
"Now Akane, you don't want to do any---- "
[Comma after "Now". Replace the doubled em dash with an ellipsis.]
The blade flashed and everyone jumped, as the long, thick braid flowing down
her back leapt into her hand.
"This is what I think of marriage to _you_!" She spat, throwing the rope of
midnight black hair to the ground at Ranma's feet then stalking away.
Women sometimes cut their hair at the death of a husband or lover, a token
they would never take another man. It was also a symbolic suicide, that
indicated war to the death and no quarter.
[A narrative aside to the audience, therefore a change in POV from that of
Ranma to that of an encyclopedia.]
Ranma wondered if it was too late to become a monk. There was this little
monastery in Tibet that had been abandoned since 1366 . . .
[Change in POV from encyclopedic to that of Ranma. A major change in POV no
matter how one attempts to measure it. It is a jump of at least a light-year
in magnitude.]
"Well," Genma said jovially. "That went well."
[Comma after "jovially", take the capital "T" out of "That". Otherwise, a
proper use of the verb said.]
"Stupid old man!"
"Owww!" The man in question rubbed the back of his head.
"Kasumi?" Nabiki stared bug-eyed at her sister who was rubbing her hand and
wincing in pain.
[This fell flat, or I missed something. If no other reader complains, ignore
this comment.]
************************************************
Chapter: 4 Yuan jiao jin gong (Befriend a distant state while attacking a
neighbor)
"Ranma?" Kasumi knocked softly on the guest room door the next morning.
"Ranma . . .chan?" She tried, daringly. He _had_ asked her to call him
Ranma, and he _was_ younger. It was perfectly proper, so there was no real
reason for her to blush.
[POV firmly established with Kasumi at the opening of the scene. Such
establishment is something of which you ordinarily do too little. You should
make a habit of this.]
Quietly she opened the door, and realized why no one had answered her knock.
Uncle Genma (as she'd been instructed to call him) was sprawled on his back
across two futons, his wide-open mouth emitting a noise that reminded her of
the time a naughty little boy had put two tom-cats and a small dog in a
dryer at the coin laundry.
She'd put up a clothes-line the next day.
[According to Lord Redmond's minions, "clothesline" is one word.]
Kasumi frowned slightly. If the oaf . . .Uncle Genma was using both futons .
. .where was Ranma? She scanned the room, discovering a lumpy bundle of
blankets in the corner farthest from Genma, one bare shoulder and arm
sticking out.
[Strike the ellipsis between "futons" and "where". BTW: Japanese nouns lack
plural forms. In this case however, "futon" has become a commonly used word
in Eigo, even though the American "futon" is nothing like the futon of
Japan.]
She made a mental note to see about putting up a screen. That might cut down
on the noise on his side of the room. And she'd better find another futon
so he didn't have to sleep on the floor. Walking softly across the floor the
bent down next to him.
[Both "he" and "him" lack proper antecedents.]
"Ranma?" She reached out to shake him awake. "Ranma, it's time to
geeeeeeeep!" Kasumi tumbled backward as Rama erupted from the floor like a
panther, one powerful arm grabbing her own in a joint lock, while the other
flashed toward the vulnerable hollow of her throat. When nothing more
happened, Kasumi forced her tightly shut eyes open, to see a broad tanned
expanse of chest.
*Pectoralis major. A large, fan-shaped muscle that covers much of the front
upper chest.* her professors voice droned in her head. *Its main use is in
moving the arm across the body* She knew the function, but no one had ever
told her how _beautiful_ it was. How it moved and glided below a covering of
smooth, warm skin.
*Latissimus Dorsi, Rectus Abdominis* she traced the path of each muscle,
envisioning their function, the associated nerves and blood vessels.
*external abdominal oblique, tensor fasciae latae . . .* My goodness,
martial artists certainly had wonderful definition. *gluteus maximus. The
strongest muscle in the body and covers a large part of the----*
[Nicely done, Allyn. Very nicely done.]
"Ummmm . . .Kasumi?" Ranma's voice squeaked a little. "W . . .what're you
doin'?"
*----buttock*
Oh . . ! Kasumi jerked her wandering hand away, blushing furiously.
"Uhhhh . . .sorry about that." Ranma said sheepishly. "Ya gotta be careful
'bout waking me up. Th' old man jumps out and hit me with sticks and stuff,
ta train me to be alert, even if I'm eatin' or slepin' or using th' cra . .
.errrr . . .no matter what I'm doin'."
"I see." And she did, his blanket having fallen to the floor. "Well, I just
wanted to tell you that breakfast will be ready in about thirty minutes. And
the furo is free, if you want to wash first."
"Geee, thanks Kasumi. I'll be down in a minute." He flashed her a boyish
grin as he helped her to her feet. "Uhhhh, sorry 'bout almost clobberin'
you."
"It's not a problem, Ranma. I've grown up around martial artists." Smiling
to show there were no hard feelings, she bowed and left the
room.
[Egregious lack of "said".]
****** ******
"Kasumi?" Nabiki paused stirring the miso soup and made a quick check on the
rice. Perfect, nice and sticky. "Are the others coming down?"
[POV established in Nabiki with a change in scene, which is perfectly
acceptable, but the change in scene lacks an adequate transition sentence,
thereby risking confusion for the reader. Matters are made worse by the
confusing agglomeration of dialogue with silent thought by the character.
Failure to use "said" and "thought".]
"I just stopped to tell Ranma about breakfast."
"And?" Nabiki looked critically at the fish to see how it was cooking. Then
she checked to see if every thing else was ready . . .raw eggs to break over
the rice, pickled plums . . . where was the kombu? Cooking was her least
favorite thing, next to a root canal. But if she _had_ to do something, she
wanted to do it well.
[Comma after "canal", take the capital "B" out of "But". POV holding
steady.]
"He has dimples."
Nabiki was only half listening, more interested in finding the little jar of
black-kelp jam. "Yeah, I noticed them yesterday when he smiled."
"Not these you didn't." Kasumi murmured, plucking the jam-jar from where it
was hidden behind a large can of protein-powder. Kasumi grimaced a little
at seeing that, thankful that it hadn't been Akane's turn in the kitchen
when they had guests. If she _ever_ found the sadistic fiend who had told
her defenseless baby-sister about "health food", she was going to beat them
unconscious with a package of organically grown artichokes.
[Extra space between "sadistic" and "fiend". Fiendishly sneaky change in POV
from Nabiki to Kasumi.]
"Huh?" Nabiki took the jam from Kasumi with a nod of thanks.
"I said that perhaps we should buy an alarm clock for Ranma."
"I can wake him up in the mornings," Nabiki offered, adding a pinch of
seasoning to the soup.
"No . . ." Kasumi felt her face heat, "I think an alarm clock is more
practical."
[Comma after "No," instead of the ellipsis. Failure to use said.]
****** ******
[Abrupt change in scene, with no POV established.]
" -----his butt?" Nabiki's voice went up a notch as Kasumi described her
mornings adventures as they walked toward Fuurinkan.
"What're you guys talkin' about?" Ranma called over his shoulder from his
position atop a fence.
"N . . .nothing!" Nabiki looked at Ranma, then at her sister, breaking out
in a fit of giggles. "J . . .just girl talk."
"Huh," Ranma lost interest. "Why do I hafta go to school, anyway?" He
decided to bring up another grievance.
[POV given to Ranma.]
"Because it's the law," Kasumi answered calmly, feeling her face heat again
as Nabiki winked at her,"and because it will be good for you to make new
friends." And get you away from "Uncle" Genma, she thought.
[Changed POV to Kasumi]
"I'm a martial artist," he did a flip and started walking backwards along
the fence top. "I don't need this sissy stuff."
"Well, we'll see----" Kasumi started to say.
[Faulty em dash that should have been an ellipsis.]
"Hark . . .the Beautiful-Angel-of-the-Morning, the
Light-that-Warms-the-World," a figure clad in the style of a Saxon Warrior
of five centuries earlier sprang from a side street. "how the common
detritus of this sad world is uplifted by your presence."
[Exceedingly nasty failure to use "said". Punctuation is an absolute mess.]
"Who th' hell is that?" Ranma demanded, leaping from the fence to put
himself between the Tendou sisters and the raving lunatic.
"Common Detritus," Nabiki gestured at Ranma, "meet the Velvet Avenger." She
indicated the silk and leather clad figure.
"Nay, you have it not aright," the figure bounded over Ranma's head to land
in front of Kasumi. "For the vision of an Angel hath revealed to me mine new
name----" With a flourish an enormous bouquet of roses, a brilliant cobalt
blue in colour, appeared in one gloved hand. "For you . . .a trifling token
of natures bounty in appreciation of your own sterling beauty, from the hand
of . . .," the figure paused dramatically, "Samurai-kamen, of Saint
Hebereke's Academy for Young Ladies of Refinement!"
[Blue roses? Ellipsis in narrative? What's next? MP3's of Robin Williams
doing impressions of William F. Buckley, Jr. and Walter Concrete? Pardon me
while I go butt my head on something hard.]
"Ummmm . . ." Kasumi took the flowers, gingerly because of the rows of
jagged thorns. "Thank you. They're beautiful." She smiled and the figure
staggered back, a mass of silken hair tumbling from underneath an
elaborately styled headpiece.
[Acually, rose thorns tend to be quite smooth, but exceedingly sharp, but
why let a technical detail trammel deathless prose?]
"Uhhhh . . .that's a girl . . .ain't it?" Ranma's eyes darted back and forth
between Kasumi and the newcomer.
"Kasumi-sama, your regard fills me with the strength of righteousness and
purity. Once again I dedicate myself to your service."
"That's nice, Kodachi-san" Kasumi began, "but----"
[Punctuation gobbles. You spot them. I am tired of writing them up.]
"Give me a quest," Kodachi went down on one knee, drawing a European-style
hand-and-a-half sword and driving it point first into the ground and
pressing her forehead against the cross-shaped guard. "a deed worthy of your
magnificence. A dragon to slay, treasure to find. You have but to command
and I will do it, for you!"
[Failure to use said. Failure to use correct capitalization.]
"Kodachi-san, don't you have to be in class, soon?"
"Class?" The slender young woman leapt to her feet, striking a pose with her
sword held high above her head. "You have class at the University, do you
not?"
[Leaped. Leapt is the wrong tense.]
At Kasumi's hesitant nod, the other girl whirled, cape billowing like a
scarlet cloud. "Sasuki! Attend me!"
With a sound like distant thunder, eight thousand pounds of Bugatti Royale
Coup� Napoleon heaved itself around a corner, like some prehistoric monster
released from it's aeons long slumber, Kodachi's faithful ninja, in a
turn-of- the-century chauffeur's uniform, at the wheel.
[Okay, the Bugatti makes a suitable substitute for the Rabin Williams MP3's.
This is ASCII text, so put a normal "e" on the end of coupe.]
"Allow me to transport you to the gateway of learning that you have deigned
to grace with your infinite wisdom."
"Oh, go ahead Kasumi," Nabiki urged, "Ranma and I are old enough to walk to
school by ourselves. And this will save you having to take the bus."
With the beatific smile of Galahad upon finding the Grail (while Kasumi's
expression more nearly resembled a martyr who's gotten the wrack _and_ a
burning stake) Kunou Kodachi held the door for Kasumi, then slid in after
her, becoming only slightly tangled in her sword and cape.
["that of a martyr"][sentenced to] DO NOT USE PARENTHESIS IN FICTION.
"What the heck is up with her?" Ranma stared after the huge creme and gold
monstrosity as it lumbered down the street.
[Nice trick, Saotome. Staring a question like that.]
"Ummm . . .that's kind of hard to say," Nabiki picked up her book bag and
started back on her way to school. "Some people think that her nanny used to
play otedama with her, using Kodachi as the beanbag." Nabiki grinned at
Ranma. "Of more immediate interest . . .somebody gave her a copy of Morte de
Arthur . . .King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table," she elaborated
at Ranma's blank expression. "At any rate, Kodachi decided she was the
reincarnation of Sir Gawain and she's dedicated her life to noble quests,
deeds of knightly daring, courtly love and saving damosels in distress.
Kasumi being her distressed damosel of choice."
[Great stuff, but lost on the reader because you ran like a spotted ape form
the word "said" and used ellipsis where you should have been using comma's
and speech tags. What, pray tell, is a damosel?]
"That's the craziest thing I've ever heard of!"
[Who spoke?]
"You haven't met Tatewaki yet," Nabiki muttered.
[Comma after "Sword-bearer".]
"Huh?" Ranma turned back from watching the Bugatti vanish around a corner.
"What did you say?"
"I said, we should be running into Akane anytime now."
"What? Where?" Ranma spun around, hands coming up in a defensive position.
"Relax."
"Relax? How can I relax around that psycho chick ummm . . ." Ranma blushed,
realizing he was talking to the psycho chick's sister. "What I mean is . .
.uhhhh . . ."
"Don't worry," Nabiki elbowed him in the side, grinning. "I know what you
mean. Akane's got a little bit of a temper."
Ranma bit back a retort that would have gotten his face slapped in any well
run whore-house this side of Bangcock.
[Bangkok]
"But she doesn't mean anything serious, unless," Nabiki caught herself .
"Ummm . . .daddy used to tell her a lot of the old stories about samurai,
duty, honor, that sort of thing. It, uhhh, made a big impression on her. And
the ryuu, the doujou, mean a lot to her."
[Failure to use said. Punctuation a disaster. Last sentence badly garbled.]
"Yeah? Well . . ." Ranma trailed off, unable to come up with a good counter.
"Marital arts meant a lot to me, too." Freezing in winter, broiling in
summer, he thought. Blistered feet, empty belly and running from the law.
Training until you threw up and passed out----then starting over again. And
pits. Dark holes that smelled of damp moldy earth and were filled
with-----! His stomach cramped painfully as he fought not to vomit.
[Marital arts meant a great deal to me as well, until after my divorce. Now
my finely honed skills await the woman patient enough to catch me. [POV
finally established with Ranma, long after the departure of Kasumi, the
previous bearer of POV.]
"And Akane?" Nabiki looked slyly at him, misinterpreting his sudden pallor
and flush.
"Uhhhhh" He fought back the memories, hoping Nabiki hadn't noticed anything.
" Well, I don't really know Akane," *Except that she's a certified whacko*,
he thought recalling the tanto and the rope of hair she'd thrown at his
feet. It had been soft and real sweet smelling . . .he shook off that line
of thought. "And I guess I don't know what to think about the doujou,
either. This is all kind of a surprise to me."
[Incomprehensible agglomeration of dialogue, thought, and gesture
complicated by the failure to use the verb "said". Extra space between
"been" and "soft".]
He affected his best 'aw-shucks-ma'm-I'm-just-a-
simple-but-honest-country-boy' expression. Perfecting that look that had
cost him a few dozen strokes with a rattan cane before Genma was satisfied.
He watched Nabiki's eyes go soft and knew the effort had been worth it. It
was too bad it wasn't Nabiki that came with the doujou.
[Two "a's" in ma'am.]
"Hey! Akane! Wait up."
Ranma jerked out of a pleasant daydream ( where Nabiki was stroking his brow
while Kasumi fed him little tidbits) and looked in the direction Nabiki was
shouting.
[DO NOT USE PARENTHESIS IN FICTION.]
"What the . . .?" They'd turned a corner and just ahead of them was a
grotesque looking hunch-back dwarf with stubby legs, enormously long arms,
an impossibly thin neck. And no head! Then his brain reprocessed what he was
seeing.
[Who spoke? Avoid the use of contractions in narrative. It is in the wrong
tense to boot.]
"Why is she walking on her hands?"
[Who spoke?]
"Why don't you ask her?"
[Who spoke?]
"Builds upper body strength." Akane answered, before Ranma could say
anything else. She twisted her head to look up at her sister and Ranma,
showing the fist-sized lump on her head from last night's sparring. "Where's
Kasumi?"
[Comma instead of a period after "answered".]
"She got a ride with Kodachi."
"Oh boy," Akane flipped upright, landing just a bit awkwardly Ranma noticed.
The walking stick "neck" strapped to her book-bag "hunch" wobbled just a
bit. "We're not going to have to go on a quest, are we?"
[Failure to use said, or to use a period. Your choice.]
"Quest?" Ranma looked back and forth between the sisters.
"I kinda liked Starbucks." Nabiki reminisced.
[Change in POV from Ranma to Nabiki, largely because you run from the verb
"said".]
"What quest?" Ranma asked.
"I'll never forget the look on the managers face when Kodachi cut his
cappuccino machine in two." Akane chuckled.
[Even where one's tolerance for the injudicious admixture of gesture,
semantically null vocalizations and what have you is quite high, this is
entirely unacceptable. "Managers" should be possessive rather that plural.]
"It _did_ sound a bit like a monster hissing, if you think about it." Nabiki
tried to be charitable.
[More of the same.]
"What . . .quest!"
"They're never going to let us back in there, though." Nabiki noted, shaking
her head at life's conundrums.
[Comma instead of period after "though".]
"It's too bad," Akane shrugged her book bag into a more comfortable
position. "I liked their organic roast."
[Shrugging cannot utter dialogue.]
"What! Quest!" Ranma forced each word through tightly clenched teeth. He
wasn't used to being ignored, unless he wanted it that way.
["What quest?" Ranma asked, forcing each word out through tightly clenched
teeth.] [Change in POV back to Ranma from that of Nabiki.]
"Actually, it's too bad Kasumi isn't a lesbian." Nabiki looked thoughtful,
continuing to ignore Ranma.
[<sigh>]
"Nabiki!" Akane giggled, scandalized.
"Well, it would solve a _lot_ of problems. And Kodachi is rich and good
looking."
"You're awful." Akane punched Nabiki lightly, apologizing when her sister's
arm went numb and Nabiki dropped her book bag.
[This one works.]
"Well, it would," Nabiki asserted, rubbing her arm. "too bad there isn't a
way to make Kodachi a boy," she joked, missing Ranma's flinch.
[Capitalize "too".]
"So . . .ummm . . .do you walk all the way to school on your hands?" Ranma
put in, a little uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was
taking and deciding he'd find out about 'quests' later.
"I alternate," Akane answered, calmly as if she'd never flung a challenge in
Ranma's face, "and sometimes I do flips and cartwheels and stuff."
[Delete the comma after "answered".]
"Really?" Ranma tilted his head, looking at her thoughtfully. "How about the
fence?"
[Failure to use "said".]
"How about the fence . . .what?"
"Walking on the fence," Ranma suited word to deed and jumped lightly to the
top, balancing easily on one foot.
[Failure to use said.]
"Well, I'm not much for jumping," Akane shrugged out of her book-bag and
handed it to Nabiki, who oofed and let the bag fall to the ground with a
faint clang. Ranma looked embarrassed for a moment and was in the process
of jumping down when Akane grabbed a fence post in both hands, "but I get
the job done."
[Hideous admixture of dialogue, action, gesture, verbalization and faulty
punctuation. This isn't even in the ballpark, Allyn. Nabiki clanged after
oofing? Ranma's actions are inserted without proper formatting between
Akane's lines of dialogue. It's an unholy mess.]
Ranma's mouth fell open as Akane levered her body parallel to the ground and
"walked", hand over hand, to the top of the fence. With a convulsive
movement she flipped until she was doing a hand-stand next to Ranma.
[Use "kip" in lieu of "convulsive movement". "Handstand" is one word
according to Lord Redmond's minions. Comma after "movement, but you really
should restructure that last sentence.]
The pig-tailed martial artist whistled involuntarily and was surprised to
see Akane blush.
"That's amazing," he said honestly. "I'm glad you didn't get your hands on
me last night." He said without thinking, then could have kicked himself for
bringing up _that_ debacle.
[HOLY SHIT! The OVERUSE of SAID! I don't freakin' believe it! Replace the
second use of "said" with "added".]
"You're pretty good yourself," Akane said, looking up from between her legs.
Ranma noticed that someone had trimmed the ragged ends of hair left from her
impromptu cut of the other night. Even with the bruising from his axe-hand,
she looked really cute with her hair----
[Doubled up em dash where you should have used an ellipsis. I don't know
whether to laugh or cry about the reference to haircutting while Akane peers
at Ranma from between her legs. "Axe-hand" again. The correct term is
"knife-hand".]
"I wear Lucky Kitty Gym shorts," Akane said acidly, "to keep perverts from
looking at my underwear."
"What! No, no . . .it wasn't nothin' like that!" Ranma protested. "I was
just lookin' . . .uhhhh . . .at your hair." Genma would take a stick to him
for being so clumsy. And he'd deserve it. "It's . . .nice . . .short."he
finished miserably.
[Oh, brother! Which hair?]
"Really?" She asked suspiciously.
["She" should not be capitalized.]
"Yeah, it's kinda . . .nice." He trailed off lamely, aware that his ability
to charm women had failed sadly.
[Failure to use said.]
"Oh, . . .well . . .thank you."
[Three characters in the scene, you should id each line of dialogue.]
He was amazed to see Akane turn pink at the mild complement and decided to
see if he could capitalize on his success.
"Short like that, it kinda makes your eyes look bigger. An' you've got
really cute ears."
He'd never watched a girl blush while she was doing a hand stand. He could
see the back of her knees turn red. Now he was back on track.
[Everybody blushes when doing handstands--especially the ones wearing--never
mind!]
"T . . .thank you." Akane wobbled a little, perched on the fence and he
decided to push it just a _little_ bit more.
[Agglomeration of speech by one character, thoughts of a second, sandwiching
the actions of one of the characters in the middle and not a said or thought
to be found.]
"The back of your neck is really sexy"
She tumbled from the fence and Ranma dove to catch her, flipping in midair
to land with her cradled against his chest. He held Akane tight for a
moment, his heart thundering in his ears so loudly he thought his head would
burst.
"Are you al---" A hand connected with his cheek with a crack that echoed off
the surrounding buildings. "----right?"
"I----don't----need----your----help!" She grated, pushing free of his grip.
["She" should NOT be capitalized.]
"Geeez," he rubbed his cheek. "I was just tryin' to be nice."
"Don't try!" She grabbed her bag from Nabiki and stalked off down the
street.
["She" should not be capitalized.]
"Akane has a little trouble accepting help from people."
[Who spoke?]
"Ahhhh . . .that's alright" Ranma said mildly, holding his seething anger in
check. Rule of The Road Number Eighteen: *_never_ let the other guy know
what you are feeling*. Especially if the other "guy" is a girl.
[Comma after "alright" which should be "all right" or possibly "awright".
Rule Eighteen brought up again, but this time the rule is different. The
phrase beginning with "Especially" is just that, an orphaned phrase.]
"I'm glad you're so understanding," Nabiki said gratefully. "Some people
have a hard time dealing with Akane. She's a little" Nabiki looked for the
right word "intense about some things."
[Ellipsis after "little" Nabike paused, looking for the right word, "intense
about some things."]
Ranma smiled, his face practically glowing with sympathetic understanding.
He decided to try just a little of his 'city sophisticate' on Nabiki. "I
can't say I understand," *except that she's a certified whacko* "but if she
takes after her sister," he let his eyes fill with masculine admiration and
was smugly satisfied to see her face heat a little, "I know that she must be
a wonderful girl and I'm sure that any problem was probably my fault." He
altered his tone and body language to convey contrition and honest masculine
bafflement at female emotions.
[Very difficult to follow mix of dialogue and thought lacking proper
punctuation and the use of phrases employing the verbs "said" and
"thought".]
Like taking candy from a baby. Except a baby would put up more of a fight,
he thought, as he let Nabiki earnestly assure him that it was _not_ his
fault and that if she could do _anything_ to make it up to Ranma for Akane's
tantrum, he only had to ask.
Ranma, in turn, spent the rest of their walk together consoling Nabiki and
assuring her that she didn't owe him anything. With the result, of course,
that by the time they passed through the towering stone gates of Fuurinkan
High School, Nabiki felt she was deeply in his debt.
[Change in POV from Ranma to Nabiki.]
[The last two paragraphs of narrative show great imagination, as does all of
this story so far, but the writing is unpolished, rather more like a draft
than beta copy.
Your two most serious problems are related. You are afraid to use the verb
said and you are not controlling POV. The punctuation woes go away with
practice and someone to nag you about it. However, only you can fix this
wreckage that occurs when you fail to control POV and run from "said".
Writing down a story as you see it play in your head like a movie is
perfectly fine at the draft stage. However, you MUST exercise some
discipline on the second and third passes by taking control of POV, clearly
describing the action, and separating the action from the dialogue,
especially when more than two characters are involved. Jamming action,
dialogue, gestures, thoughts, and semantically null vocalizations by
multiple characters into single paragraphs simply does not result in
anything that anyone will ever enjoy reading, Allyn. Much of it is nigh onto
impossible to follow.
You have a damned fine story going here, but you are ruining it with these
flaws.
Regards,
Don.]
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