I've only got time to send off comments on this half chapter (or single
chapter, half post, rather) before work. I did read some of the other
C&C, but didn't have time to go through my own and eliminate all the
grammar corrections that other people have already done. Think of it as
an incentive for you to master this stuff yourself. ^_^

Allyn Yonge <allynyonge0000@netscape.net> wrote:

     "Shut up!" Ranma smacked his father's bald head
with a rotting board, knowing better than to hit so hard an
object with his bare hand. He looked at the tiny, pale
appendage in disgust. Especially now. "This is all _your_

It's not clear at first glance what the "especially now" refers to. Not
sure if it needs to be changed, though.

fault, anyway!"

     "H . . .how do you figure that b . . . boy," he started

RANMA: How do I figure that boy? Well, I usually figure a boy as 0.67 of
a man, with adjustments for age at ten percent per....

(When a character identifies who is being spoken to, *always* set the
identification off by a comma. If you don't, you'll *completely* change
the meaning of what's said.)

that, boy." He started

Note also the period instead of the comma, and caps on "he". "He started
to go off in..." is not directly telling you that he said the line of
dialog. Therefore it should not be punctuated as part of the same
sentence, and you have to start a new sentence when you go from dialog
to non-dialog.

to go off in convulsions again, then sobered slightly as his
son hefted a rock, sufficient to crack even his thick skull.
Pulling a dirty kerchief from around his neck he wiped
perspiration from his heavy face, then stuffed the cloth
carelessly in his pocket. "How 'bout gettin' drinky for your
ol' man," he smiled ingratiatingly, showing a shadow of the

man." He
(Again, he's not smiling the line of dialog. "He smiled ingratiatingly"
is not directly telling you that he said the line of dialog. So it
should be punctuated as a separate sentence.)

     "Criminy pop! Would you lay off that stuff?"

"Criminy, Pop!
(The comma thing above, and capitalize relations when used as names --
not when used as in "my pop," for example.)

SODA JERK: Criminy pop? Sorry, we're out of that. How about a cola?

RANMA: Jerk.

SODA JERK: Yes? What?

     "I don't see no other fat thieving drunks around
here." Ranma replied nastily.

here," Ranma
(In this case, "replied" IS explicitly telling you that he said the line
of dialog, so make it part of the same sentence.)

     "Show some respect boy," Genma made a hasty

respect, boy."

swipe at his son, age and drink throwing off his aim. He
missed, landed hard and started blubbering.

missed, landed hard, and
(When you list three or more things connected via an "and," put a comma
after each except the last.)

     "Geeez, pop, I'm sorry," Ranma said sadly.  He

Pop,
(capitalize when used as a name)

knelt beside his father, brushing him off, "why can't ya stay

off. "Why

off the sauce? You aint such a bad guy, when you're sober."

ain't

     Genma lifted his head, his breath heavy with the
smell of cheap rice-wine. "Ah, boy," he boasted blearily,
 ". . .you should have seen me when I was your age. I was
magnificent. No man could stand against me in those days,
no woman resist me." He puffed out his chest, which still
remained several inches less than the girth of his belly. "But
that was before . . .before . . ." He started crying again.

GENMA: ...before I quit writing my self-insert and had to face reality.
*sniffle*

     "It's OK pops," his face tightened as he thought of

OK, Pops." His

_her_, the woman who had turned his big, brave pop into
this drunken wreck of a man. "I'll take care of you." And
I'll never let another woman hurt you, he though grimly.
I'll never let one get her dirty claws into me, neither.

RANMA: Note to self: refuse to date any woman who isn't cleaned and
manicured.

     "Tha's my boy. My good . . .boy!" He tried clumsily
to hug Ranma, causing the other to squeal and fall  back.

The other what? If this refers to Ranma, you may want to reword. Maybe
something like:

He tried clumsily to hug Ranma, who squealed and fell back.

     "Don't _do_ that!" Onna-Ranma rubbed his breast,
shooting an angry glance at his father.

The action's rather unclear here. Did Ranma spill water on himself when
he fell? Or does something else trigger his change in this continuity?

     "I'm sorry . . .sorry," Genma wept, blood shot eyes

bloodshot (one word)

COUNT DRAC: Geeve me a shot. No, you fool! A *blood* shot!

taking in his "son's" petite form, flowing red-hair falling

Since you're using the phrase as a noun, not an adjective, you don't
need the hyphen there. (I suppose it's a hair color that only drunks can
see.)

     "I'm sorry to disagree with you father," the eldest

you, Father,"

Tendou daughter put in, "but I really think Nabiki is too
young to be thinking of marriage," Tendou Soun directed a

marriage." Tendou Souun directed
(New sentence, as above, and since you're using the "extra-u" in
"Tendou," you should use it in Souun, which is also a long vowel.)

      Soun turned gratefully at the sound of his youngest
daughters voice, relief at being rescued from Kasumi's
"dutiful obedience", turning to dismay as he noted the heavy

Need to take out the comma after the quote there. It's not a line of
spoken dialog (which would always need to end in punctuation of some
kind) and the comma puts a break between "relief" (subject of the
clause) and "turning" (verb telling what that subject is doing).

     "Oh, my baby," tears gathered in his eyes. "You've

baby." Tears

hurt yourself again. Kasumi," he turned back to his eldest,
"go get her medicine. Nabiki, run call the doctor----"

Kasumi." He turned back to his eldest. "Go
(or)
Kasumi," he said as he turned back to his eldest, "go

     "I'm on it, pop," Nabiki was already heading for the

Pop." Nabiki

     "Would you cut that out," Tendou Akane
interrupted with fond exasperation. "Nabiki, put down the
phone. Kasumi," she limped forward, taking the box from

Kasumi." She

her sisters hand and returning it to it's place, "finish the

its place. "Finish
("it's" is a contraction meaning "it is" (or maybe "it was", "it has",
etc.) Don't use the apostrophe if you want to indicate something
belonging to it.)

     "I'm fine, daddy." She shrugged, "I just

Daddy." She shrugged. "I
(caps/punctuation)

overextended a little on a spinning high-kick. No big deal."
She grinned, an expression that seemed to light the whole
room. "But I really blasted that concrete block. Wham----
boom!" she pulled her hands apart sharply. "Nothing but

She
(caps)

     "I don't think it's safe for you to be doing such
strenuous things," Soun said worriedly. His spine firmed as

Figuratively or literally? :)

     "I'm heir to the Musabetsu kakutou Tendou-ryuu,"
Akane said coldly, looking at her father through narrowed
eyes. "If you want to forbid me the doujou, you have to
defeat me."

SOUN: Well, then, I forbid you from using gratuitous Japanese!

AKANE: Hmph. It's a proper name!

SOUN: Oh, all right then.

     Soun's shoulders slumped as his spine jellied. He
_might_ be able to out-point his daughter in technique, but
she'd almost certainly insist on a knock-out, and he couldn't
bring himself to even try. *Assuming it's even possible* a

possible,* a

     Akane noted the look of misery on her father's face
and her own attitude softened almost instantly. "Daddy,"
she put an arm around his waist and hugged him tightly.

"Daddy." She
("put" doesn't tell you that she said the line of dialog)

     "I . . .I know baby," Soun hugged her back. "It's

know, baby." Soun

AKANE: You know baby too?

SOUN: Of course. We're good friends.

     "Now," Akane stepped back, wiping his eyes with

"Now."

Did she wipe Soun's eyes, turn male and wipe her own eyes, or is that a
typo?

the edge of her gi, "what was this about . . .marriage?"

gi. "What

     "I didn't have a drop," Genma retorted, offended
dignity in every line of his corpulent frame. "except for a

frame, "except
(or)
frame. "Except
(You can either start a new sentence there, or not, but you need to be
consistent.)

     "Curse, pop. It's a _curse_. It ain't no goddamn

Pop.
(caps)

'situation'."

GEORGE CARLIN: We *know* it's a situation. *Everything* is a situation.

RANMA: I just hope I don't get caught in a rain event.

     "Please, son,"Genma affected a pained look. "You

son." Genma
(punctuation, spacing)

     "Oh, like _you_ ever learned any." Ranma couldn't
believe what his old man had gotten him into. Even if it did
actually sounded like a workable plan, which was
frightening in itself.  The idea that Saotome Genma could
conceive of _and_ execute any action more complicated
than removing the cork from a wine bottle went against the
laws of nature. Pop was smart, Ranma knew, he just lacked
staying power.

GENMA: And how long have I lacked it?

RANMA: For years and years. You've been consistently like that ever
since I was a little kid, and probably long before that even.

GENMA: Well, there you go! What more staying power could you want?

     "I dunno pop, it just seems too easy, the way you

dunno, Pop,

GENMA: Of course you know Pop. *I'm* Pop.

     "It's _not_ easy," Genma growled. "You're going to
have to use a little charm, m'boy," Genma warned. "none of

"None (new sentence)

Probably don't need two explicit attributions in the same paragraph. I'd
at least use "he" in the last one rather than repeating the name.

     "Jeez pop, all I've got to do is sweet-talk some bitch

"Jeez, Pop, all

an' get her to fork over a little 'love token'." Ranma

AKANE: Oh, here.

RANMA: "Entitles bearer to one complimentary session at Madame Wu's
Whoopee Parlor"? All right! Thanks!

snorted derisively at the thought. "Then you turn it into cash
an' we split. It's not like we ain't . . .haven't done this
before." He looked over his shoulder at his father. "
Besides, girls love fixin' stuff," his lip curled at the thought,

father.
"Besides,
(fix the quote mark position)

stuff." His
thought.
("curled" isn't directly attributing the line of dialog)

"learnin' me manners and how to talk right an' stuff just

"Learnin'
(ditto here)

makes 'em go all mushy."

AKANE: Until we find out how difficult it is....

RANMA: Wait for your scene, willya?

     "Pay attention, boy,"Genma cuffed his son

boy." Genma

affectionately on the head, "it's more involved this time.

head. "It's

     "This?" she dumped a final measure of a blood-red

She
(caps)

powder into the blender, cracked two eggs and dumped
them, shell and all into the machine, then set it to puree.
"This is my new and _improved_  mega-anti-oxidant super-
protein fruity-fizzy."Soun winced as the abused machine

                      ^^
Spacing.

clattered and bounced across the table, occasionally spitting
nasty mucilage-like bits from under the lid. Happily ignoring
the occasional splat of . . .something . . .hitting the wall
Akane counted down a full minute before she hit the off

wall, Akane

button. With a sucking sound she pulled the lid free and

H. ROSS PEROT: There's yer giant suckin' sound! Ah tol' ya!

     "No . . .no thank you." He wiped his brow as Akane
shrugged and removed the offending glass. If he _ever_
found the inhuman monster who had taught his daughter
about "health food", he'd skin them alive and roll them in
salt.

Number doesn't match in that sentence. You either need to make it all
plural (change "monster" to "monsters") or all singular (change "them"
to "him", both times).

     "Ahhh . . ." Akane wiped her mouth daintily and
swivelled to look at the wall clock. "Kasumi should be on
her way home from yobiko and Nabiki . . ." she chewed her

from yobiko, and
(otherwise it parses as from (yobiko and Nabiki) )

If yobiko is the name of a particular place or person, it needs to be
capitalized. "She" also needs to be capitalized in the last line since
it starts a new sentence.

     Soun frowned at that. "I'm not sure I like Nabiki
associating with gamblers."

AKANE: She'll handle it all right, I bet.

SOUN: How much? Five hundred yen?

AKANE: You're on.

     "Mrs. Taniguchi's Tea Shop is hardly a gambling
den, daddy." Akane finished what remained in her glass with

Daddy."

a gulp, then poured what was left in the blender into her
empty glass. "Nabiki says that tea drinking widows are the

tea-drinking

TEA: I've just finished Mrs. Tanaka. Could I trouble you for another
widow?

NEWS EDITOR: Hello, press room? Cancel "man bites dog." THIS is news!

back-bone of the industry. Their husbands are dead, children
are grown, so they spend a lot of time and Yen on pachinko

Yen probably shouldn't be capitalized here -- just as you wouldn't
normally capitalize "dollars" in this context. You might if you were
talking about the Yen as an overall currency, but I'm not even sure
about that.

     "Slot machines daddy." She hurried on before Soun

machines, Daddy."

     "It's hard for a small school like ours to compete,
with the McDoujou's." Akane defended, using the name

with the McDoujous," Akane
(As before, "defended" *is* directly telling you that she said the line
of dialog, so punctuate it as part of the same sentence. Also, don't add
an apostrophe (') just to make a plural. "McDoujou's" would either mean
something belonging to McDoujou, or a contraction such as "McDoujou is".
Something belonging to multiple McDoujous would be McDoujous'.)

[Cut to the image of a man in a gi. His arm swings down, neatly severing
a thick plank of wood into two. He holds up the pieces.]

MAN: McDojos. Beacuse you deserve a break today.

     "Don't you _ever_ blame yourself," Soun put his

yourself." Soun

     "But I lost, daddy," Akane said softly. "I lost. No

Daddy,"
(caps for relation used as name)

     "I'm home!" Kasumi called from the front door.
"And I brought take-out . . ." she stuck her head into the

She
(caps for start of new sentence)

kitchen and paused as she felt the heavy atmosphere. "I
thought we'd have a treat tonight," she continued blithely,
deliberately ignoring the look on her fathers face, and the
way Akane was clenching her fists until the knuckles were
white, "so I got dim-sum."

RANMA: Uh, hi. My name is--

GENMA: Not yet! She said "sum," not "son."

     "Hey, where is everyone?" Nabiki called cheerily as
she burst into the house, only a few minutes behind her big-
sister, "Something smells . . .good." she faltered

big sister.
(no need for hyphen here)

good." She
(caps for new sentence)

momentarily on entering the kitchen and seeing her father's
troubled face. Kasumi made a  brief gesture behind her back
and Nabiki went on breezily, holding up a package wrapped
in newspaper. "Mrs. Taniguchi got in new produce today,
so I let her pay off her losses in hamachi and ebi."She

ebi." She
(spacing)

     "Oh, how wonderful," Kasumi took the package of

wonderful." Kasumi

     Soun opened his mouth to correct her, then stopped.
Maybe it would be better to wait and see . . .Yes. Better to
wait . . .

I'm not sure the Genma-is-drunk scene was your best choice for an
opening. Certainly Genma's drinking *is* a significant change in this
alternate world, but the change that's clearly going to be driving the
story is the difference in *Ranma,* which that scene doesn't really
bring across. Your later scene with G&R discussing what they plan to do
at the Tendos' does show it somewhat, but I think it would be
elucidating to show a scene depicting what this pair is like normally.
Do they make a habit of conning young women out of their savings, a la
"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels"? I'm especially curious to see how a less
conscienced Ranma would make creative use of his curse. :)  (And ditto
for Genma, if he even still has his in this reality.)

Anyway, it's an interesting premise, and Ranma's altered personality
promises much conflict once he and Akane get together.

Chapter 2 comments coming soon. When? Soon. :)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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