Dear Reader,
This is my _new_, generic C&C disclaimer I'm going
to add to my C&C from now on. ^_^
I've had some problems recently with authors
who have gotten a little . . .personal in their
response to my C&C. Hence, the following:

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. NOTHING
I say should be taken personally.  My comments
and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I 
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.
I C&C as if the story were going to be published
in the real world, for money. I'm suggesting
changes that, IMO, would make a better story.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even 
professional editors make mistakes.  Different
people like reading different things.

 NEVER try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.

BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps I am wrong.
Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care.
That's fine.  Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

I'll be glad to discuss issues regarding
writing and storytelling at length. 

BUT

Please don't get personal.
No sarcasm, cutting or denigrating
remarks. And no profanity. 
It wastes time better spent on writing.
If you think my C&C is so far off the mark,
just delete it, unread, and go on to something 
more interesting.

I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.


My comments:@@ 

I'll start by saying that I've read the story
and I've found several problems, which
I will enumerate here:

1)The opening is slow. There is no hook. 
2)The _pace_ of the story is slow. Very little
actually happens. Mostly introduction of
characters.
3) If the reader is familiar with Ranma or Futaba-kunChange
the character introductions are somewhat stale. If you're not
familiar with either series, they are confusing. There needs to be
more narrative so the reader can form a mental picture of what the
characters look like, their physical surroundings, etc.

4) Kuno chasing the "Pigtailed goddess" or Akane getting
mad at Ranma/Ranko is cliched. It was funny when Takahashi-sama
did it the first couple of times. She also has the advantage of pictures for 
sight gags.  Akane as the ultra-violent 'bad guy' has also been over done.

Now, let me pause to make something VERY clear. My problem is NOT
with the _concept_ of an overly violent Akane. Make the characters as
different from 'canon' as you like. That's part of fanfiction. However,
IMO, you have not 'set the stage' for these changes. You're 'rushing' the
story, too many changes too fast. 

5)Where's the Dynamic Tension? Frankly the story reads as an attempt to
quickly push Ranma and Futaba together, substituting Ranma for Misaki
(Futaba's girlfriend in the manga) You're eliminating or changing by fiat,
everything that might impede the Ranma/Futaba romance and making
arbitrary changes in characters to facilitate things.  In essence, there is no work for the reader to do.  It is all done for him.

A)Ranma is reasonable and thoughtful?(Discussing Shakespeare in class?
Philosophical insights about good and bad parenting?)
B)Principle Kuno is a brilliant mastermind, hiding his true nature behind a facade of lunacy?
C)Ranma and Akane 'really' don't like each other, so there's no
impediment to a Ranma/Futaba romance? AND Akane is going to be
Futuba's friend (since Akane doesn't really like Ranma?)

This is NOT just a matter of being OOC for canon. Looking at this as an
original story . . . there's not enough detail.  Characters move and change too quickly and without enough reason.


Now, I'll do a little bit of line-by-line C&C to try to explain more clearly.










Chad Hutchings <inu_ranma@yahoo.com> wrote:

The Matchmaker, Chapter 1

***
Fan Disclaimer:

I changed the Ranma characters, basically saying 'hey!
What if the Ranma characters actually learned from
their experiences?' This means that Ranma's smarter,
less violent, and a little more melodramatic (and so
is everybody else) and Akane's smarter, more sensible,
and less violent. I made these changes for the sake of
the story, which I could have done without using Ranma
1/2 Charas but I thought it would be fun, so THERE!!

@@Perhaps I should make this generic too. ^)*
The Disclaimer should show respect to the original authors and
acknowledge their ownership of the fruits of their creative labor. 

Don't telegraph what you're doing or going to do. For instance, don't
_tell_ us that you've made Akane "smarter, more sensible, and less
violent" SHOW us in the story and let the reader make up his own mind.

@@@@

Enjoy!
***

I don't know when it finally hit me...I was atending a
school full of maniacs. I can't for the life of me see
why I never noticed before, but I sure as hell do now.
I'm Futaba Shimeru, Furinkan High School's `Star of
Wrestling' and a member of First-year Class A. I'd
been studying Wrestling and various grappling
techniques for my entire life, and up to a certain
point, it had been normal: My Mother worked for the
government. My Father has stayed home, and my sister,
well, Futana's Futana. 

Then everything changed, when I finally learned why my
family was so weird.

It started right smack on the first day of my second
semester at Furinkan. I managed to get to school as I
normally did, by Vaulting the side wall in order to
avoid the brawls that went on out front,

@@Not much of a hook. Put this or something like it
later in the story.
@@@@

 but this time

I managed to get run over by a girl with fiery red
hair and a pigtail just as I landed.

@@This reads as if the 'girl' has a pigs tail, not hair done up
in a pigtail
@@@@

"Gomen ne!" The girl gave me a glance to make sure I
was okay then ran off, not even offering me a hand to
help me up.

"Pigtailed Goddess!" Just as I was standing up, the
school's Kendo Captain, one Tatewaki Kuno, charged

@@Kuno chasing the 'pigtailed goddess' has been done. Do something different.
Have somebody different chase Ranma, or at least have Kuno call Ranma something different.

 EXAMPLE: 
"Fire-haired wench with the buxom bouncy blimps!"

straight into me and began propelling me directly
along the trail of the redheaded girl.

 Not wanting to

get caught up in this, I did what any sensible
wrestler would do...I chokeslammed him.

When Kuno came to, I was long gone.

@@ The "chokeslammed him" bit was cute.
You'd be better off STARTING your story at this point.
 START with the action!
@@@@

As I wandered in the direction of my classroom I
wondered who that pigtailed girl was. There was so
much going on at Furinkan that I didn't pay attention
to. I wasn't exactly popular. I was too busy with
dealing with schoolwork to really care. Wrestling was
more fun than these weirdos anyway.

@@Now here, I lose you for the first time. It appears you're trying to setup the fact that Futaba had been at Furinkan for a semester, yet never heard of Ranma? I just can't believe that. For one thing, that's too good a rumor NOT to get around.

For another, Japanese students have the same home-room ALL the time they are in school. The _teachers_ move, from class to class. The students spend all three years with the SAME class mates. 
In either event, I don't see any realistic way to have Futaba and Ranma in the same school for an entire semester and Futuba not know about Ranma. \
Futuba knows Kuno, after all. (Knows of him at least) And you have the standard Kuno-chases-pigtailed-goddess. Yet Futuba doesn't know Ranma?
@@@@

As a slight poke on my shoulder jolted me from my
reverie. I turned my head to see a tall guy with
jet-black hair, sporting a pigtail similar to the one
that the redhead had.

"That was a nice move, man! Thanks for the save!" The
pigtailed guy ran off to a classroom across the
hallway from mine. Class D. So he was a a First-year
student as well...

@@Now THIS is a nice bit of dialogue. Smooth, natural
and an excellent set-up for things to come.
@@@@

I walked into my classroom and managed to get seated
just as the bell rang.

"Oi, Futaba!" Hiroshi, a tall, lanky guy who had
transferred from Class D to my class at the start of
the semester, grabbed me on the shoulder. "Nice job
taking Kuno out today! You sure saved Ranma some
trouble."

"Who's Ranma?" I was dumbfounded. I hadn't done
anybody a favor recently, had I?

@@and a good continuation.
@@@@

"He's the one who you saved from Kuno today.

I shook my head and went back to my classwork.
"Whatever, Hiroshi."

Not more than five minutes later, he tugged on my
shoulder again. "Yo...check these out."

He tossed five pictures onto my desk that were of the
redheaded girl, nearly nude, washing her hair.

"What the hell are you doing, Hiroshi? I could get in
trou-"

"Futaba Shimeru!" A well-aimed eraser nailed me in the
back of the head. "Go stand in the hall!" The teacher
was repressing a smirk, I could tell by his voice.
"And take your pictures with you."

@@cute. BUT more believable if the teacher told Futaba to
put the pictures away and sit down. I realize you've got to
get Futuba in the hall, but IMO, this calls for something more
drastic. Show the teacher as very rulebound/puritanical? Or have Futaba
do something more drastic. Futaba throws the pictures back to Hiroshi, who ducks and pictures hit teacher? 
@@@@

"But Sensei! They're not..."

"Go, Shimeru!"

I quickly gathered up the photos and stood in the
hall.

It was distressingly silent in the pristine,
immaculate halls of Furinkan, so I got bored quickly.
Having nothing better to do, I began to look at the
photos.

Hey. I was only human.

@@Cute again. Smooth and natural use of First person.
High marks.
@@@@

<SNIP>
"You picked a hell of a time to grow up, cutie! Lucky
for you, Dad's had tabs on you since you hit puberty."

@@Ummm . . .you need to set this up a bit. Perhaps Futaba wonders about a sweet- potato vendor who seems to be watching him. Or the feeling of being watched. Something so this is not so deux ex machina.
@@@@

<SNIP

I wobbled a bit, and then regained my balance to come
face-to-face with a beautiful girl, same green hair as
the boy who stood behind me, grinning like a maniac,
and a body that could start-and win-wars.

@@ "body to start and win wars" is cute.
Not real keen on "green hair". That's an anime dodge to make
it easy to tell characters apart. IF you must use it (and sometimes it does simplify thing. I use "redhead" often) when you get into 'unnatural' colours like green or lavender, IMO, it's incumbent on the author  to make some mention/explanation that the colour
1) IS odd
2) Other people notice that's it's odd
3)Then explain it away so it's no longer odd

@@@@

"This is some joke, right?" I was getting more
confused by the moment.

"No joke, Futaba-chan! Meet the new you!" As the boy
made a grand gesture of introduction behind me,
looking in the mirror, darkness chose to claim me
again.

@@For a 'martial artist' this guy is blacking out a lot. And in almost the same way.

"that's when the blackness came" vs "darkness chose to claim me"
Need some variation. SHOW more of the stress Futaba's feeling so fainting is more believable.
@@@@

***

<SNIP>

"Da-ad! Where did you get th-" I lost my breath as I
got a good look at the picture. The redhead wasn't
just cute. She was gorgeous!..."

POP!

@@POP! That's IT? Not much description for the reader. Give MORE detail so the reader can visualize what's happening. 
Your narrative is lacking. Describe what's going on. Detail. Emotion. Emotion is especially important in First Person.
@@@@

<SNIP>

Suddenly, a scream interrupted my thoughts.

"Why do you always have to do that, you stupid macho
tomboy!? I was just trying to keep the pig from-"

"He's just an animal, Ranma! It's just like you to be
jealous of a little pig!"

"That's it! I'm outta here! I don't have to take this
shi-!" I heard the sound of fist hitting flesh and a
body landed on top of me. I barely managed to drop to
my knees to absorb the weight of the fall, and was
surprised to find that the redheaded girl from earlier
that day had fallen quite literally into my lap.

@@Coincidence? A bit much that in all of Nerima
Futaba chooses the same park at the same moment
Ranma and Akane are there. AND having an argument.
(An argument that's been done before, but that's not the big problem)

SET UP: 
Have Futuba pass Uc-chan's Okonomoyaki on the way to the park. That would
establish location and make it believable that Ranma/Akane might be in the
neighborhood. Better, have them IN the restaurant as he passes by, with p-chan wandering lost nearby. Or a separate scene with Ranma/Akane on their way to the park. Show the trains approaching on collision course. Builds suspense AND makes the resulting wreck more believable. 
@@@@

<SNIP>

@@The story picks up a lot toward the end. You've got a good handle on dialogue and first person.  But this story is dialogue heavy. There's almost no narrative. Give the reader some visual and emotional clues with the dialogue.  More detailed setup. Don't just drop people and situations into the mix. This is critical in any story. But in fanfiction, always remember you've got to overcome what your readers already KNOW about the characters/situations. 
Beware of:
1)Coincidence: A little bit goes a long way. Don't pile one on top of the other. There's already a problem with TWO gender changing martial artist's in the same school.

With DIFFERENT gender change mechanisms.
Takahashi-sama stuck with the cursed-pools. And in Futuba-kun, Misaki changes because she is transfused with Futuba's blood. 
And little things like Futuba just happens to run into ranma/akane in the park (while it's raining) Or Futuba's father just happens to be keeping tabs? Or Principal Kuno just happens NOT to be crazy?

2)Don't rush a situation. In this case, don't try to quickly force Ranma and Futaba together, or Ranma/Akane apart or suddenly have Principal Kuno be a secret mastermind with hidden tunnels. Takahashi-sama or Aro-sensi can get away with a lot of things because they're starting fresh. AND because in manga, they have pictures. And a picture is worth a thousand words. ^_*


Spend more time building up a _word_ picture for your reader. More time setting up situations so they seem to flow believably from what has come before. (And a little extra time overcoming preconceived notions from the original story)

I hope this is helpful.

as always, take what you find useful, ignore the rest. 0)*

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