Hi,
WOW! Thanks a lot.


rcarson@rcarson.com wrote:

Ryan Erik writes:

----- Original Message -----
From: "Allyn Yonge" <allynyonge0000@netscape.net>


Ok, he's a seriously boozed up Genma. But he doesn't seem
abusive, so I can continue reading... hehe ;-)

  Interestingly, this is not a particularly abusive Genma.
Unfortunately, he's messed up Ranma in other ways, much worse
than canon Genma, to my mind.

@@Thanks. That was what I was trying to do.
I'm glad I got that to come across on paper.
@@@@@

   "Pretend," Genma returned a bit testily. Little girls
should be seen and not heard and preferably not seen either.

Err...did you mean this to be in quotes or what? It seems like
you the author just said that little girls should follow this advice...
Perhaps let us know Genma thought this somehow?

  Actually, this is done correctly, and I give Allyn high marks
for it. In professional writing, you usually tag quoted thoughts 
with some form of "he thought," and delimit them either with quotation
marks, or not at all, while thoughts that are summarized, but not
directly quoted, are simply written as part of the narrative. The
fact that they are the thoughts of a character, and not the author,
is generally indicated by the fact that they are placed next to
the actions that they elucidate. Yes, it might be confusing in
theory, but in practice, when well written, the intent is clear.
I go on about this because I really appreciate passages such as
the one above - while some work is needed on the punctuation
and spelling in these chapters, I quite admire Allyn's writing,
and would be loath to see it changed.

@@<BLUSH> WOW (again)
Ya know, if I could just figure out this punctuation stuff
I might be able to make some progress on putting thoughts on
paper. ^_*

I REALLY appreciate the compliment. Nothing (other than
being on the NYT Best Seller List?) Makes a writer feel 
better than having a bit of dialogue or narrative really
come alive for the reader. 

@@@@@@

Yup the Genma is Ranma's crutch, so he can't take over the
world ploy... kinda like Brain's Pinky.

  As we shall see, Ranma's not quite as smart or supremely
competent as he thinks.

@@He's not? ^_~

I'm wondering if this is something I need to work on? Or if
it all come clear as the story progresses. If the 'uberness' 
seems to progress beyond, say chapter 6?, I'm going to have
to do some revisions.
@@@@@

I really enjoyed the atmosphere of the revision of the original, but
I'm a little concerned for Ranma's ability to handle himself like a
real conman. His father, the brilliant but ultimately flawed tactitian,
and he the suave, masterful martial artist, and together they are the
Incredibly Misogynistic Duo!

Your writing is very good and the tale was very entertaining, so I
invite further chapters (30? yeesh) with open arms. Keep in mind
not to let Ranma's Uberness invelope everything though, okay? :)

  Hey, it's one of Allyn's stories, so uber-Akane is more likely
than uber-Ranma! Seriously, I've read the first twenty-three
chapters on the web site, and I think Allyn manages to do a good
job of presenting Ranma as a master conman, while avoiding the
uber-Ranma trap.

Reid Carson
rcarson@rcarson.com

@@ WOW!<blush> yet again. 
Actually I tried to avoid Uber-anyone
in this story. Akane, Ranma, Ukyou . . .
NONE of them should appear to be UBER.
Strange, talented, bizzare, but not Uber.

I'm going to have to keep a close eye on this
Uber stuff. Shouldn't be any. 

@@@@@@

@@BTW, there seems to be some concern that
I'm changing POV to fast and often.
I was _trying_ for Third Person Flexible.
BUT, if it's confusing, it doesn't matter what
I was trying to do. Any comments on POV?
Did I jar the reader out of the story?
Was it confusing?

I'm looking hard at chp. 3/4 to see if I can
fix it (actually right now I'm just trying
to learn to SEE the problem. ^_*)
@@@@@

Thanks again for the C&C. Much appreciated.

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