Donald Lee Granberry <noharness@mac.com> wrote:
My comments are in square [] brackets below, Allyn. Never let it be said
that I don't at least try to pay my debts.
Don.
Hi,
I never thought there was a debt.
But i really appreciate all the effort.
Thanks.
Now, my comments on Comments (in no particular order):
1)Commas, periods, punctuation in general. Mea Culpa. :(
I appreciate the help. And I AM learning, little though it
seems. Unfortunately (for my readers) I write the way I read.
And I really don't see all those little . , ! ? things when I'm reading.
Part of the problem is that I read down the center, not left to right.
So I never really see any of that stuff.
Hey, I'm dyslexic. I can't TELL left from right (If someone
tell's me to go right, i automatically go left. For some reason
left FEELS like right, if someone tells me. On my own I
don't have as much trouble. Some other little problems
with letters and numbers. Plus, no sense of time. ^)^ )
In any event, I really do appreciate the help. I just
don't want you and all the other people who've taken
time out to C&C to think I don't care. It's just
a _tiny_ bit difficult for me to make sense of some of
it. ^)^
2) POV . . .well, it's like this.
I was _trying_ for Third Person Limited Omniscient
(Or, Third Person Flexible [3PF]) for most of this story.
A combination of subjective and objective third
person. I'm going to have to see if I can figure
out where I went wrong. I still think
3PF is the way to go. I'd caught some
of the bigger gaffs where it was really
confusing about who was doing/saying
what/when.
I hope someone else comments on POV.
I need to figure out why this 3PF didn't work
the way I wanted.
3)Now, the bit's where action and dialogue were
mixed, too much. ^)^
The first one, with Akane, Soun and the health food.
Ohhh, I'm a BAAAAD boy. Because that one had already
been pointed out. As the other, more scrambled but shorter one
later on.
Well . . .I thought I could get away with it. It didn't seem that bad to me.
However, you made it much clearer where the problem lies and I
can fix it now. At least I hope I can. At any rate, it was easier for
me to see WHY it was confusing after you explained it.
Thanks. ^)^
4)Who is speaking in the scene? OOOOPS!
Now THAT I did a LOT in this one. :(
This is revision 10, btw. I've caught a lot
of them, but many more obviously lurk.
I've got a really bad habit of not making
clear who is speaking or acting. I spent
about an hour today trying to catch
as many as I could in chp. 3-4. Got about
18 or so. Then found another 5 when I looked
at it later. Fortunately it's been a while since
I wrote those chapters. Makes stuff like
easier to spot. When I've just finished
writing . . . well, I see what it's supposed
to say, rather than what I've actually written. ^)*
5)"Please, son,"Genma affected a pained look. "You simply _must_ learn a
little tact."
[Affecting a pained look will not deliver a single line of dialogue. Use a
period after "son", or employ some variation of the verb "said."]
^_^ Ummmm . . . so those little( , )things are that different from a (.)?
I'm not kidding. I would NEVER notice something like that. ^_^;;;;
BUT, checking with higher authority (MLA Style Book and my wife)
confirms what I already knew.
You're absolutely correct.
6)A reverse badger game! Oh, my!
Maybe we could sweet talk James Garner into doing Genma's voice for us.]
^)^
This is the first time I've actually tried to do a <drum roll> PLOT!
It's not real tight, but it's there.
This is also the first time I've tried to have seven (count 'em SEVEN)
characters on stage in a story. I mean as real characters.
Ranma, Akane, Kasumi, Nabiki, Kodachi, Ukyou, Genma with
lots of dialogue, action and characterization.
I've found out where some of my problems lie. ^_*
7)"No . . .no thank you." He wiped his brow as Akane shrugged and removed the
offending glass. If he _ever_ found the inhuman monster who had taught his
daughter about "health food", he'd skin them alive and roll them in salt.
[Avoid the use of contractions in narrative.]
Well, as nearly as I can tell . . . this is a personal thing. Not a hard
and fast rule. There seem to be cogent arguments on both sides.
However I favor the school that says go with what 'feels' right
for your characters and story.
In this case, (if I understand your comments) it's a choice between:
1) . . .he'd skin them alive and roll them in salt
OR
2) . . . he would skin them alive and roll them in salt.
Now . . .with Ranma, I'd stick with "he'd" and might even
add "he'd skin 'em alive an' roll 'em in salt"
With Soun . . .it's a little iffy. On reflection, I believe you
are correct in this instance. "He would" does sound better for Soun.
It's a close call. The problem is, I think, that I never developed
Soun's 'voice' very well.
This is another critical thing. How well did I develop
and sustain each characters voice? I do pretty well on
short stories, but I need to know how well it holds up
for the long haul. ^)^
8)"Ahhh . . ." Akane wiped her mouth daintily and swivelled to look at the
wall clock. "Kasumi should be on her way home from yobiko and Nabiki . . ."
she chewed her lip in thought. "It's Tuesday?" Her father nodded. "Then I
_think_ she's negotiating space for the pachinko machine she just
refurbished."
[Action badly entangled with dialogue again, thus throwing mud in the
reader's eye.]
You're not the only one to catch this one. :(
But, darn it, there should be a way to make it work.
I can SEE this. It's like a movie running in my head.
(Only runs at one speed, so I've got to type fast, most
of the time. Or I miss something.)
OK, how 'bout this:
Ahhh . . ." Akane wiped her mouth daintily and swivelled to look at the
wall clock. "Kasumi should be on her way home from yobiko and Nabiki . . ."
she chewed her lip in thought. "It's Tuesday?"
Soun nodded.
"Then I_think_" Akane said uncertainly, "she's negotiating space
for the pachinko machine she just refurbished."
Better?
9)"What's so funny about that." Akane delivered in a flat monotone.
[Arrgh!
"What's so funny about that?" Akane asked, delivering her question in a flat
monotone. Or, alternatively, "What's so funny about that?" Akane asked in a
flat monotone.]
OK, again, as near as I can tell, there is about an equal division
on this sort of thing. Your version is absolutely correct. However
so is mine. Depending on which English teacher or writer or
critic you're talking to.
In some cases your version really is better in that it makes for
a clearer narrative/dialogue. My feeling is that too many
"he said/she said" can make the story a little on the clumsy side.
This is purely stylistic. IMO a lot of depends on the kind of 'feel'
you want for the story.
This has all been a tremendous help.
Lure the Tiger
is an experiment. I'm trying to figure out what changes
I need to make in writing, how to organize or re-organize
the way I write. Common/constant mistakes I'm making
(POV, mixed action/dialogue, etc) before I start
on something for publication. I've already gotten
some ideas on how to set up an editing process to
look for POV and such.
I doubt I can fix it while writing. It comes to me too fast
and I've got to get it on paper or lose it.
Thanks again. This has been tremendously helpful.
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