"Tom Keehn" <zinyadel@hotmail.com> wrote:

Dating Duel
Thom Keehn
zinyadel@hotmail.com

I'll mention here that one reason I'm continuing to C&C this series is
the replies Thom has sent to my remarks on the earlier chapters. Quite a
few of the commentaries I've sent to FFML on fics lately have
disappeared into the void, and that tends to make me think that I might
be wasting my time by offering the author any further feedback.

The figure sighed, gazing about the room.  The door was wired shut as
the sliding rails were pinched, preventing the door from closing of

The "as" made me think at first that it was describing two things
happening at the same time; may want to reword.

its own accord.  The floor was covered in an untastely carpet that was

I don't think "untastely" is a word. "Tasteless" is probably closest to
what you seem to mean.

"I can only afford a couple more days," the person complained.  "How
am I going to win Ukyou over in such little time?  Think, Tsubasa.
Think"

Think."

Surprising us by having this be Tsubasa isn't a bad idea, but referring
to him as "she" is a bit unfair, as neither he himself nor an omniscient
narrator would attach this pronoun to him. For it to work, IMO you've
got to (1) get a good deal more descriptive in the above, describing the
figure (and maybe the surroundings from his POV as well) in
hyper-effeminate terms, and (2) either avoid the use of gender-specific
pronouns or bring in an observer who'd be legitimately fooled into
thinking that he *is* a she. The latter route would by far be the easier
to pull off, I think.

Tsubasa got up from the bed and approached the cracked, grimy dresser,
the only other furniture in the room.  He opened the top drawer, the

only other furnishing in
(or)
only other piece of furniture in
("furniture" is a collective noun)

The crossdresser was wearing a dress that bared his shoulders and hung
on him by two slender straps.  The cerulean blue dress displayed a
cute pattern of yellowish kittens rolling about with white balls of
yarn.  It hung down past his knees, though he did not bother wearing
stockings with the ensemble feeling the dress was quite enough with a

ensemble, feeling

Once he had found one with a large fountain, he sat down on a vacant
bench.  The girl look-alike rummaged through the purse for the

"Girl look-alike" is not quite appropriate, IMO; he doesn't look like
any *specific* girl.

Selecting a shade of pink that he hoped wouldn't look too horrifying,
Tsubasa closed an eye and brushed it softly onto the eyelid.  "Am I
going to have to dye my hair red?" he grumbled, knowing that wouldn't
really solve the problem.

Wow, he catches on quick. 9.9  Why on Earth did he ever even consider
that it WOULD?

TSUBASA: I've got it! I'll dye my skin completely white! *That'll* show
her that I'm not a weirdo or anything!

Keeping his eyes open to allow the liner to dry, the crossdresser
sighed.  "I can try challenging Ranma or Konatsu into an 'Ukyou must
leave Nerima' match, but how would I ever get her to accept the
terms?"

Did you mean to say *loser* must leave Nerima?

TSUBASA: Here's the terms. If I beat Ranma, Ukyo has to leave Nerima. On
the other hand, if Ranma beats me, then Ukyo has to leave Nerima.

UKYO: No way.

TSUBASA: What do you mean? Those are the perfect terms!

 He sweatdropped in remembrance of his terms of the last

Just a personal preference, but I'd stay away from stock descriptions
like "sweatdropped".

"I don't know why," he admitted, shaking his head.  "She's perfect for
me and I, her, in this world that utterly rejects people like us.  Why

me, and I her,

can't she see that?"

The would-be lover stood up, shouldering the purse.  "But can I really
hold my end in a fight?" he wondered to himself.  "I stand no chance

RANMA: Yeah, I'm sure you can.

TSUBASA: Really?

RANMA: In fact, it'll hurt so much from the kicking I'm gonna give it
that you won't have much choice.

Tsubasa blinked at a pair of familiar boys regarding him.  One was
making warding and silencing gestures at the darker haired one.  Both

darker-haired
(Look for this elsewhere. At the risk of sounding unintentionally
sarcastic, I'll point out that there are other things you can describe
besides hair color.)

"Kurenai isn't it?" the darker haired boy asked.  "Fancy meeting ya

"Kurenai, isn't

again."

The crossdresser skimmed through his memory to attach a name to the
face but nothing came forth.  "Yes, it is," he said, feeling a bit
uncomfortable.  "Is your friend ok?"

okay?"
(or)
OK?"

The darker haired boy turned to witness his friend wheezing and
grabbing onto him like life demanded it.  The boy blinked and turned
his attention back to Tsubasa.  "He's just shy 'round girls," the boy
offered.

The "shy" remark is funny, but in general, IMO, you need to do more with
Hiroshi for this to work as a running gag. Just having him revlused
doesn't quite do it.

After they calmed down a little, the crossdresser opened his eyes and
leaned towards them.  "Tell me Daisuke-san," Tsubasa began.  "Does

me, Daisuke-san,"

When a speaker identifies who is being spoken to, always set the
identification off from what is being said by a comma. Otherwise you
completely change the meaning. In this case, he's asking someone to tell
him Daisuke-san.

HIROSHI: Okay. Tsubasa, Daisuke-san. I repeat: Daisuke-san. There, I
have now told you Daisuke-san.

DAISUKE: How *do* you tell Daisuke-san?

HIROSHI: Simple. He's the darker-haired one.

The other boy folded his arms behind his head and leaned back, pawing
at the ground with his foot.  "She's Kunou's little sister," the boy
repeated.  "She chases after Ranma though he doesn't really seem to
like it that much. She's really cute but a bit too crazy for my
tastes."

"Cute" implies beauty of a childlike sort, and is thus not a term that
would generally be applied to Kodachi. ^_^;; "Hot," maybe.

KODACHI: What about "sexy?"

GARY: That too. ^_^;;;

"Thanks again!" Tsubasa said cheerfully.  "It's been a pleasure
meeting you again, Daisuke-san and," he fumbled as he looked at the
other boy.  "Um ... whoever you are.  Bai."

You misspelled "Bye."

Daisuke clapped Hiroshi on the back.  "Ha!  Sure change the subject,"
Daisuke jibed.  "But the grub's on you buddy.  I need to save my money

HIROSHI: The grub's on my buddy? Cool. That means you, doesn't it?

you, buddy.

Kodachi grabbed a paperweight shaped like a lion off her desk and
hurled it at the servant.  He grunted as she whirled on him angrily.

"Sasuke!" she growled.  "Knock before you enter my room!"

FYI (since this has been based on the manga up 'til now), there is no
Sasuke (or other Kuno family servants) in the manga.

Kodachi oooed in annoyance, approaching the runt with her hands
clenched at her sides.  "For what purpose do you find reason in
disturbing me?" she demanded.

Suggest: "For what purpose do you disturb me?" Unless this is an
intentional mangling with intent to show that Kodachi has more surface
sheen than substance, in which case never mind.

Moments passed as Kodachi contemplated the possible reasons that
someone would come to see her.  Perhaps it was a fan from another
school that she had beat soundly.  It certainly was possible, as after

had beaten

her defeat to Furinken High, she had actually defeated the remaining

Furinkan

She also considered the chance that this was some girl trying to go
through her to get to her brother.  She knew several girls from her
school that admired him, though she didn't have the slightest clue
why.  She vaguely remembered a certain cheerleader that had her heart

that had had her

set on her brother.  She had her phone number somewhere in here in
case he ever changed his mind.

Actually, Mariko gave up on Kuno at the end of that storyline.

"I come in concerns with one Saotome Ranma," the girl explained.  "I

"I come concerning Saotome Ranma,"
(unless this is Tsubasa's mistake and intentional on your part)

Kodachi's heart skipped a bit.  "Be you some distant cousin of his,
bearing news that he has finally accepted me and is ready to bring my
dreams to fruition?" she implored.

TSUBASA: No. You have nineteen more questions.

KODACHI: Are you known for your work in the theater?

"A dating duel," Tsubasa declared.  "Konatsu and I will find dates and
we shall be judged on our performance.  If I win, Ukyou must leave
Nerima at once.  If I lose, I will leave Nerima without further
protest."

"Interesting," Kodachi admitted.  "I don't see how I fit into this.
Nor do I know who this Konatsu is."

FYI, Kodachi actually took part in a similar duel vs. Asuka the White
Lily, her childhood rival, with Ranma as her date. See vol. 32, stories
6-7.

Tsubasa sighed. "I can't, she lives here," the girl admitted.  "Ukyou
lives in my home town, Osaka.  Her family is there.  Forcing her out
of Nerima would be forcing her home.  Doing the same to Akane would
make her homeless."

"You speak as if I would care," Kodachi huffed.

TSUBASA: And Ranma would no doubt end up leaving town along with her.

KODACHI: I care.

"To Konatsu: I challenge you to a Dating Duel!  You must find a date
and defeat me in performance.  Judging will be determined by Daisuke
and his friend.  Permission to contest the judging if either judge is
found to be partial towards myself or you. 

TSUBASA: ...will not be granted.

Nodding, Konatsu continued, "If I lose, I leave Nerima, never to
return.  Neither party is allowed to date either Ukyou or one Saotome
Ranma.

RANMA: Hey! There IS only one Saotome Ranma!

"Konatsu stop!" Ukyou shouted.

"Konatsu, stop!"

UKYO: Konatsu stop! Doors open on left! Transfer here for blue line to
airport!

"You are the reason I made my decision," Ukyou returned simply.  "You
won't leave me alone when I want to be left alone.  If I lose, I'll go
home.  If I win, I'll stay here.  It's up to you Ranma.  How badly do

UKYO: Yes, vee Ranma and dubya Ranma have absolutely no say in it at
all. And let's not even talk about ecks.

RANMA: Why?

UKYO: Because I really can't zee it happening.

you, Ranma.

"I need a favor to ask," he began.

"Yes, Shan Pu marry you," Shan Pu returned, half-heartedly.

Heh.

Shan Pu relaxed back into the booth.  "Why ask Shan Pu?" she demanded.
"Why not Akane?  Why not man?"

"Because she'll kill me if she finds out I'm doing this for Ukyou and
because Konatsu likes girls," Ranma declared.

AKANE: And that leaves *me* out, does it? Hmph!

RANMA: Why are you always listening at all the wrong times?

Ranma did the dating duel for Kodachi, BTW, and Akane actually pushed
him into doing it. Though he might well still think she'd object to
this, I guess.

"These boys your age," she ventured to which he nodded.  "Shan Pu
worry what boys want in performance."

Ranma's head smacked the table.  Shan Pu blinked as he sat back up
quickly.

"Hey!  My friends are not like that!" he protested.

HIROSHI: Sure we are.

DAISUKE: Really. We are.

RANMA: I was trying to be tactful, okay?

Konatsu regarded the strange crossdresser, who had decided today to
defile a stunning, red sequined dress that bared the slender boy's

red-sequined
(assuming the sequins were red, not the dress)

Nabiki blinked.  The voice was not a familiar one.  "Who are you?" she
demanded.

"Kakuheki Kiten," the voice returned merrily.  "Most call me Kiten."

NABIKI: As in "Go fly a..."?

"How'd you get this number?" Nabiki pressed.

"Ukyou gave it to me," the girl replied nonplussed.

replied, nonplussed.

Nabiki frowned.  That would explain why Gos hadn't reported to her in
two days.  "Why are you calling me?" she ventured, arching an eyebrow.

"Kurenai," the girl explained simply.  "His parents are like dying to

are, like, dying to

NAB: But not *actually* dying?

KIT: Not yet.

Nabiki slipped, grinding her face into the floor.  She groaned.

"Oops, sorry, surprised you didn't I," the voice cheered out merrily.

you, didn't I,"

And why would Nabs be particularly surprised at this or even care? She's
seen enough unusual preferences that this shouldn't be a big deal. I
haven't read the other story, but from this, Kiten seems like a fairly
standard case of ANC syndrome. She gets the better of Nabiki in just
about every single paragraph here.

"Collect call ok?" Nabiki asked with a grin.

"Sure, I'll collect call then," Kiten warbled, hanging up.

"No!" Nabiki protested to the silence.  She growled in annoyance as
she got out the paper and considered calling up the girl to straighten
things out.  The last thing she wanted was a collect call to her cell

>from Osaka.

So don't accept the charges.

"If we're going to win we have to impress the judge," he hissed.

"Sasuke is taking care of that," Kodachi replied, nonchalantly.

SASUKE: If you let the mistress win, I'll remove my own irritating
presence from this fanfiction!

H&D: DEAL!

"B-b-b-but what about the contest?" Daisuke stammered in protest.

A wad of money was stuffed in his mouth.  "Silence fool," Sasuke

DAISUKE: Okay, I will.

SASUKE: Mmmmmmmbg! Ntt wtt mm mnnt!

"Silence, fool,"

"Behind the restaurant, groaning for help for the last two days," he
muttered.  "I was lucky that Ryouga guy came around looking for Ranma.
Was angry about something along the lines of Ranma having wrecked the
wedding with his inability to make a commitment."

GOS: Then he went off looking for Akari or Akane. Go figure.

The spy chuckled.  "You are vicious," he stated.  "And completely an
enigma to me.  One day you support the relationship and the next you
tear it down as they are not right for each other."

A little too direct and confident for Gos, IMO.

"I haven't done nothing," Nabiki huffed.  "The slate cleared itself.

"I haven't done anything,"

(The double negative is a mistake Ranma might make, but Nabsy is a more
careful speaker.)

"Shan Pu had an accident," another voice explained, a tall man with
thick glasses appearing behind the longhaired girl.  The man had long
dark hair and wore a concealing white robe with black trim and a blue
and yellow chinese design on the front.

"Mu Tsu," Shampoo started.  "This is Konatsu.  My date for the

His name's Mu Si.

Tsubasa growled, angry at her ignorance and at himself for not
confiding the truth to her in the first place.  "Can't girls like
girls?" he asked, glumly.

Unless this is part of the contest, I don't see why he'd claim to be a
girl. He's just a guy who likes to dress up. My impression was that he
didn't set out to fool people -- he even seemed a bit surprised that
Ranma hadn't known all along that he was a manly man.

"Well... yes," Kodachi admitted.  "I suppose this atmosphere is a
suitable place to entertain such notions as same gender sexuality but

same-gender

I'm normally not inclined that way.  Have you ever been with a man?"

Suggest: I'm not inclined
("normally" implies that there are exceptions. ^_^;;)

Tsubasa gritted his teeth angrily.  "Have you?" he shot back.

"No," she admitted.  "I take it from the tone of your voice you don't

C'mon, this is Kodachi. Where's the smug superiority? Even in this
situation she could say something like "I have not yet had an offer
worthy of me" or something. That's a strength that all the (known) Kunos
share to some degree -- defeating defeat by simply refusing to
acknowledge it.

like men very much.  Are you wanting to talk about it?"

Suggest: Do you want to talk about it?"
(or something like)
I suppose you are going to grumble for a while that you don't want to
talk about it, and then talk about it?"

"Oh dear, I'm sorry," Kodachi said, sounding genuinely concerned as
she patted him on the back gently.  "If it makes you feel any better,
I can relate.

Even if true ('s rather a bit of a stretch, from what we know of da big
kahuna, but I suppose anything's possible) why's she coming out and
saying so? She might well sympathize with Tsubs, but putting it up front
and even volunteering her own information isn't a way I can see her
expressing that sympathy. At least you need to make a better case for it
than you have so far.

Personally, while I think coming up with explanations in the characters'
past for present behavior is well and good, they tend to work better for
me if they're more simple and low-key. Children are *very*
impressionable; it might not take any more than a careless offhand
comment by a parent that girls are sweetness and light to make Tsubs
grow up effeminate. OTOH, using the more heavy-handed approach can
unintentionally cross over into melodrama. But that's just me.

 And if you doubt me, simply know that servants are
invisible, not deaf."

KODACHI: And some of them are just dumb.

Tsubasa turned around and slapped the girl on the cheek.  He then got
up and made his way up the ramp, disregarding the loss of his heels on
his way out.

O-kay... why'd he do that, and more importantly, why didn't she kick his
butt for it?

She smiled and reached out to tousle his hair but stopped short.  The
night had been full of similar moments where she moved to touch him

where she had moved

only to quickly change her mind.  He decided it was the damage to her
wrists that caused this.

SHAMPOO: You is correct.

KONATSU: I is? I mean, I am?

SHAMPOO: If wrists not damage, I not try to touch you in first place.

Seriously, I think you're handling Shamps pretty well here.

"Well, what do we 'ave 'ere?" a gruff voice cut through the darkness.
"Two lil girls wandering da streets afta 'ours."

VOICE: I'll 'ave to eat some o' me spinach! Ark, ark, ark!

A shadow stepped out of the darkness.  "I will not allow you to harm
these two," the dark figure declared solemnly.  "I will fight you if I
must."

Um... huh? Unless this is a staged scene, doesn't make sense. H&D
(whichever of them this is) might not know that Konatsu is a fighter,
but they *do* know that Shampoo can almost surely beat these guys with
both wrists tied behind her back, and they themselves have always kept
out of fights.

Laughter came in response.  The big man pointed at the small chinese

Chinese
(capitalize a specific nationality; correct this elsewhere)

girl.  "Da broad can't even speak da language right," the man laughed.

SHAMPOO: Look who talking, Sailor Man.

MAN: Ak! And I doesn't gots me a short skirt! How embarrasskin'!

Mousse grabbed the arm of the big man that had done all the talking
and kicked out the man's knee.  The man fell down and Mousse turned
about the arm, twisting it till there was a sickening pop.  "Call off
your men," the amazon boy ordered the whimpering thug.

Amazon
(name of a specific tribe)

Konatsu felt the fallen boy's head, sighing.  Hiroshi was out cold but
nothing was bleeding thankfully.

HIROSHI: Really? Oh, good.

KONATSU: Yes, it's all bleeding quite ungratefully.

HIROSHI: *whump*

bleeding, thankfully.

Shampoo glanced at the fallen judge.  "Mu Tsu take boy to hospital,"

Mu Si

Not sure if I see the point of this scene. The "characters get attacked
by street thugs for no particular reason" thing is very cliche, and the
fact that Mousse is ready to defend Shamps was never really in question.

The boy sniffled and nodded.  "You must be the sister of Akane," he

Suggest: "You must be Akane's sister,"
(more natural, less clumsy)

Nabiki waited several moments, watching the car outside depart.  She
sighed, gathering her thoughts on things she needed to do.  Easily at
the top of the list was badgering Gos on what kind of photos he got on
Kodachi.  She smiled.  Her work was never done.

got of Kodachi. (IMO)

This was a huge tie in storyline.  So much is going on.  I hope I
pulled it off well.

Overall, not bad, but there's a few things you might want to work on.
Pacing is one. I thought the middle dragged a bit, whereas the end
seemed like a case of get it over quickly because I'm tired of writing
it. :)  (Which I can relate to, BELIEVE me. ^_^) For the former, you
might want to go through and prune pieces of scenes that don't develop
the characters or build to the climax. Also, look for chunks of
description that you don't need. Description is good, but too much of it
together can really slow down your narration. Be selective about which
details you show; Tsubasa putting on make-up is a good way to show his
effeminateness, but we probably don't need to know what he's wearing in
every scene. It also helps to try to integrate it into the action where
you can rather than leaving it stand on its own.

Characterizations were good in many places, others needed work, IMO, as
noted above. I think it was a good decision not to push the resolution
of the relationships too far and just hint at possible future
developments (Shamps/Konatsu being the one that comes to mind).

That's about all I can think of. Keep writing, and I look forward to
reading any future projects.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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