Bjorn wrote:
Continuing on....
As am I.
But the feel to Kasumi's room, as pleasant as it was, still made Akane
uncomfortable. It was different enough that it bothered her. What Akane
really wanted to do was sleep in her own room, with its own feel, in her
own
bed. Of course, concessions had to be made with her mother returned to
them,
and because it was Akane's wish that had set the events in motion
(although
now that she thought about it, Kasumi bore some responsibility in the
matter
since it had been her suggestion to wish for their mother back), it only
made sense she had to give up her room, but it didn't make her sore back
feel any better.
The last sentence is rather long. At the very least, I'd
suggest making the very last clause a seperate sentence:
"Of course, that didn't make her sore back feel any better."
Okay
"Observe the pinnacle of what one thousand years of training in the art
of
brushing can achieve!" Kachiko loaded up the brushes with toothpaste
until
it was falling off the sides, then brought them up to her teeth. She
smiled
once for the girls, then went to work.
NABIKI: A thousand years of training? I knew you were
lying when you said you were seventeen.
True. I ought to rephrase it to reflect the art is that old, but I'm not
sure how.
"I think she's choking on one of the brushes," Nabiki said casually.
This is a little heavy-handed to me. It's hard to believe
Akane would bother to spell out the symptoms like that.
Perhaps just "I can see where it might be... Mom, are you
all right?"
(Then you could use "gagging" instead of "struggling" in the
paragraph that comes after this excerpt, which I think would
work better. ;)
Hmm. Will consider, but I confess I like it as is.
"Told you... It was... Dangerous. Only a true... Master... Can use such
techniques... Safely," Kachiko gasped out.
You don't need all those in-sentence capitals.
Okay. I'm more used to changing sentences with the ellipses.
A demon head three times larger and radiating an aura or naked rage
greater
than any had seen before emitted from Soun. All save Kasumi cringed away
from the aura of raw terror he projected.
"aura of naked rage"
You also use "aura of" twice in the same paragraph. I think
you can drop "aura of" in the first sentence without other
modifications.
Will tweak.
marriages during or right after high school turn out, especially with
such a
high divorce rate, it'll practically guarantee things will end up
doomed.
It'll lead to nothing but misery and woe. I absolutely forbid this
travesty
to take place." She slammed her hand down hard enough to nearly crack
the
table in half, the look in her eyes an open challenge to those that
would
oppose her will..
This is very nitpicking, but I actually don't think, at the
time when Kachiko would have been seventeen, that there was
any documentary evidence that high school marriages were any
more likely to be problematic than marriages later in life.
This comes from her parents trying to get her to marry young. She came up
with this response, and is simple using it again, just in a different way.
Not sure how I could make that clear since the scene is not from her POV.
Kasumi looked uncomfortable. Nabiki scoffed. Akane blushed furiously and
said, "No way!" Ranma looked as though Ryouga had just punched him
between
the eyes as he tried to conceive little versions of him running around
shouting, "Daddy!" His body convulsed once.
"conceive of little versions" Missing the "of" gives it a
new and, under the circumstances, unfortunate meaning. ;)
Hehehe. You're right. It was an unintenional pun.
"But you're married to me!" Crying full bore, Soun latched onto
Kachiko's
leg like a drowning man thrown a life preserver, which he would actually
soon need with the amount of water his eyes were generating. Kachiko
responded by pounding him on the head, trying to pry him off, shouting
that
she wasn't a paleontologist so she had no interest in 'Old Fossils' and
that
he should release his deathgrip on her leg before she really let him
have
it.
Personally, I would rather actually see the dialogue, rather
than having it described to me in narrative. This is just a
stylistic preference, though.
It's just so similar to the other 'get away from me' lines she uses with
Soun, I didn't think it necessary to rehash them.
That signaled an end to breakfast. Everyone else left the room as
Kachiko
was forced to drag the sobbing Soun attached to her leg.
I'm a little unclear on where she's dragging Soun too.
Perhaps "drag the sobbing Soun off her leg?"
She's trying to walk, and like a ball and chain, he's attached to her leg.
:)
Seeing her distracted, Ranma at last acted on her plan. The redhead
pointed
directly behind Kachiko and shouted, "Look! It's Haley's Comet!" Then
hit
the support Kachiko had been standing on.
"Halley's Comet."
Oops.
It was at that moment that Kachiko sat up lightning quick, shouting "But
I'm
not a lesbian!" Her head impacted with Akane's hard enough to knock the
bent
over girl backwards and onto her bottom.
'shouting, "But I'm' (need a comma)
And heh.
Thanks.
Kachiko made a face that promised violence for someone. Through gritted
teeth. "I was remembering this Grade-A bull dyke named Yumi that used to
go
to school. She was pure evil, always trying to come up with ways to
trick
girls into kissing her and making them as perverted as she was. She was
always causing trouble. She hit on me constantly."
I have this sneaking suspicion Yumi will be playing a role
Perhaps.
later on.
"And there's no concertina wire along the top of the wall either."
I didn't know there was such a thing as concertina wire. Of
course, I also didn't know there was a Barbed Wire Museum
(120 West 1st Street, LaCrosse, Kansas), which I found about
while looking up concertina wire. So this was a
doubly-informative passage!
Someone else said much the same thing. I thought most people knew what it
was. *Shrug*
Nabiki noted among the debris of the garbage can next to the desk a
number
of empty packages of pocky. A sugar high would make things ever easier.
She
made a show of appearing surprised. "I have to say, Miss Hinako, you're
taking the news rather well."
Since it's a brand name, Pocky should be capitalized.
Got it.
"Ah." He instinctively leaped up to a nearby light fixture. It took a
moment
for him to only calm semi-down, since it had been Hinako who had
appeared,
and that when she accosted him, it usually meant trouble. "What didn't I
do,
that you think I did do, and why did it make you want to try and drain
me?"
Perhaps "Ah!"? I think you need a little more
shock/emphasis. The second sentence also should be broken
up: "who had appeared. When she accosted..."
Good point.
Not many more comments this time. I especially liked the
Kachi+Kuno bits.
People appreciating Kunou's sophistication. It just doesn't happen often. :)
Now on to the next....
And me as well.
D.B. Sommer
--
bjorn@etho.caltech.edu http://www.its.caltech.edu/~bjorn
Computation & Neural Systems, Caltech 216-76, Pasadena CA 91125
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