Weee. C+C from Bjorn:
Here's some C&C. It's not late, it's just, uh... hey, look,
a truck!
Ha! I frequently give C+C much later than that, I assure you.
"But I want to hold her in my arms!" Soun pleaded.
NABIKI: So do I.
AKANE: I don't think he means a headlock, though.
Heh. Cute.
Akane laid a sympathetic hand on her father's shoulder. "I know. We all
feel
the same way. We'll get things sorted out, but it's going to take time.
You
need to back off. If you keep trying to do what you've been doing, all
you're going to do is drive Mom away."
There is something ironic, and vaguely disturbing, about the
fact that Akane and her sisters are encouraging their
parents to do the nasty.
Well, more like to get back together, although that would go with the
territory.
A transformation seemed to overcome Soun as, for the first time in
years,
his backbone stiffened and his resolve firmed. "You're absolutely right,
Kachi-chan. I've been a poor father. Nabiki, go to your room."
Heh.
Actually I have had him do that once before, but the idea of Soun acting
stern with the kiddies amuses me for some reason.
Nabiki's eyes were wide as she barely was able to associate the man
before
her with what she knew him to be. "Daddy?"
This sentence seems a little awkward to me. Maybe break it
up into two sentence? "Nabiki's eyes were wide. Was this
really her father?"
Will revise.
So much time had been wasted, but Kachiko quickly made up for it. She
proved
almost inhumanly adept at the school and its catalogue of impressive
techniques. In no time she rivaled her much older father in skill, and
was
certain she would have passed him soon, if she had not done so already.
Her
mind on the battlefield was like a trap, even Sakura, who cared little
for
martial arts, would admit that.
It should be either "trap. Even Sakura" or "trap; even Sakura".
Right
"Well, I do know the Tendou School of Anything Goes Martial Arts, and I
did
recognize some of those moves you used, but not all of them. Some of
them
looked pretty good."
Kachiko gave a proud smile. "Almost as good as the girl that was using
them."
RANMA: What, you learned from your mom?
KACHIKO: ...
Have rephrased as 'as good looking as the girl...'
He shook clear of those thoughts and instead focused on more immediate
matters. It was the time for the sparring match. He meant what he had
said
about going easy on her. He'd move first and try to get close to her
rather
than actually punching or kicking. Maybe he'd try to trip her and put
her
on the floor, then use his superior strength to pin her down without
harming
her. Yes, that seemed the best way.
This has been yet another moment brought to you by Ranma
"Compromising Positions" Saotome.
Actually, it's going to be worse than that.
Kachiko gave a disapproving noise as she looked at the prone figure
before
her. "Geez, you're gullible. What sort of idiot calls out an attack
before
she makes it? It's like saying, 'I'm going to punch you in the face. See
if
you can block it in time'. And I thought you were a tough martial
artist."
She pulled up her pants yet again. "And I really got to get this problem
taken care of." She departed, leaving Ranma lying unconscious on the
floor.
Heh.
She does raise a valid point.
"Well, it all depends on your point of view. It was sort of a punch, in
an
existential sort of way."
Heh.
Ah, I love coming up with her meaningless rationalizations. :)
She grabbed him by the sides of his head and thrust his face into her
bare
mid-riff. "Can you notice now?"
"Yes. I notice you're an innie," his muffled voice replied
Heh again.
Spur of the moment thing that came to me as I wrote it up.
Kachiko was about to ask him if he'd like another shot to the nuts, and
if
he said, 'fine' she'd do it too, when the sound of a loud explosion came
from the street.
Above, you used 'Fine,' here you use 'fine.' I think the
latter is more correct, but either way, you should pick one.
Went with the former, actually.
Ranma found himself slightly at a loss. Maybe a Hiryuu Shoutan Ha. "Your
mother was a moped and your father a pocket watch."
The robot seemed unmoved by the insults.
Heh.
Can't always work.
If Ranma was more crude, I could have used the line 'your mother was a dryer
that blew everyone'
"I didn't ogle your breasts, only the sides of them... That came out
horribly wrong," Ranma lamented as Soun and Akane's tempers finally
snapped
and they fell on him.
That's not really a very Ranma thing to say, but it's
hilariously funny. ;)
True, but he did stare.
You know, especially given how late this is, I really don't
have much to say. ;) It's a good story, and I, personally,
like Kachiko. She's annoying and irritating, in a funny
way; and while it's true that she's getting the best of
Ranma and everyone else, all new characters in the manga do
too, at least at first.
Exactly. As I said before, if she isn't shown to be able to hang with them
from the beginning, she's certainly not going to be able to do it later.
Now, as with Nabby, they are starting to get her measure. Not that she's
going to fall over and play dead either. Just that it creates conflict and
makes things fun.
Anyways, I'm looking forward to the next chapter... or at
least, I would be, if it wasn't out already, and next on the
list for me to C&C. ;)
There is that advantage in waiting for things. ^_^
D.B. Sommer
Bjorn
--
bjorn@etho.caltech.edu http://www.its.caltech.edu/~bjorn
Computation & Neural Systems, Caltech 216-76, Pasadena CA 91125
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