Continuing on....
But the feel to Kasumi's room, as pleasant as it was, still made Akane
uncomfortable. It was different enough that it bothered her. What Akane
really wanted to do was sleep in her own room, with its own feel, in her own
bed. Of course, concessions had to be made with her mother returned to them,
and because it was Akane's wish that had set the events in motion (although
now that she thought about it, Kasumi bore some responsibility in the matter
since it had been her suggestion to wish for their mother back), it only
made sense she had to give up her room, but it didn't make her sore back
feel any better.
The last sentence is rather long. At the very least, I'd
suggest making the very last clause a seperate sentence:
"Of course, that didn't make her sore back feel any better."
"Observe the pinnacle of what one thousand years of training in the art of
brushing can achieve!" Kachiko loaded up the brushes with toothpaste until
it was falling off the sides, then brought them up to her teeth. She smiled
once for the girls, then went to work.
NABIKI: A thousand years of training? I knew you were
lying when you said you were seventeen.
Her hands were two blurs that could have rivaled Ranma's Amagurikan on a
good day. The air was alive with electricity and a hum that made the very
air itself vibrate. The smell of fluoride filled the air, and even Nabiki
raised an eyebrow at the amount of white foam that began to drip for
Kachiko's mouth.
"drip from Kachiko's" (wrong word)
Akane whistled in appreciation. "I can see where that could be useful. That
took less than three seconds, and you had to have gotten every spot with how
vigorously your hands were moving. I can see where it might be... Mom, why
are you making gagging noises while your eyes are bulging?"
"I think she's choking on one of the brushes," Nabiki said casually.
This is a little heavy-handed to me. It's hard to believe
Akane would bother to spell out the symptoms like that.
Perhaps just "I can see where it might be... Mom, are you
all right?"
(Then you could use "gagging" instead of "struggling" in the
paragraph that comes after this excerpt, which I think would
work better. ;)
"Told you... It was... Dangerous. Only a true... Master... Can use such
techniques... Safely," Kachiko gasped out.
You don't need all those in-sentence capitals.
Kachiko reexamined her garments. "I suppose you're right. I'm not used to
other guys being around. Dad used to be the only other man here, and I liked
prancing around in my underwear because he thought it was so improper. He
was so uptight it was really annoying. He never let me do anything that
wasn't absolutely 'proper' for a woman. Be happy your old man isn't that
strict. Of course's he's way more perverted than my Father is, still, I
think you've got the better end of the deal." Kachiko exited the room.
"Father is. Still, I think" (should be a new sentence.)
"It's on the other side. I'll get it." She grabbed Ranma by the head and
licked the offending grain of rice from his cheek running her tongue far
below where it lay and continuing long after removing it.
"cheek, running her tongue" (need a comma)
A demon head three times larger and radiating an aura or naked rage greater
than any had seen before emitted from Soun. All save Kasumi cringed away
from the aura of raw terror he projected.
"aura of naked rage"
You also use "aura of" twice in the same paragraph. I think
you can drop "aura of" in the first sentence without other
modifications.
"That's insane!" Kachiko wailed in dramatic fashion as she pleaded to the
skies. "Sixteen is too young to be engaged! You have your whole life ahead
of you! No one should be issued a death sentence when they have so much
potential awaiting them! You haven't learned anything yet about the way life
really works. You're still changing and growing into the person you'll go on
to become. It's always a mistake to marry at such a young age. Given the way
marriages during or right after high school turn out, especially with such a
high divorce rate, it'll practically guarantee things will end up doomed.
It'll lead to nothing but misery and woe. I absolutely forbid this travesty
to take place." She slammed her hand down hard enough to nearly crack the
table in half, the look in her eyes an open challenge to those that would
oppose her will..
This is very nitpicking, but I actually don't think, at the
time when Kachiko would have been seventeen, that there was
any documentary evidence that high school marriages were any
more likely to be problematic than marriages later in life.
The cold glare Kachiko shot both men managed to silence even Genma. "No. It
would be better if we wait a couple of years and see what happens. There's
no need to rush into something as serious as marriage. It's not like there's
a time limit or anything. I don't think anyone's ready to be parent here?"
She turned her gaze to the three girls and Ranma.
"ready to be a parent here" (missing word)
Kasumi looked uncomfortable. Nabiki scoffed. Akane blushed furiously and
said, "No way!" Ranma looked as though Ryouga had just punched him between
the eyes as he tried to conceive little versions of him running around
shouting, "Daddy!" His body convulsed once.
"conceive of little versions" Missing the "of" gives it a
new and, under the circumstances, unfortunate meaning. ;)
"But you're married to me!" Crying full bore, Soun latched onto Kachiko's
leg like a drowning man thrown a life preserver, which he would actually
soon need with the amount of water his eyes were generating. Kachiko
responded by pounding him on the head, trying to pry him off, shouting that
she wasn't a paleontologist so she had no interest in 'Old Fossils' and that
he should release his deathgrip on her leg before she really let him have
it.
Personally, I would rather actually see the dialogue, rather
than having it described to me in narrative. This is just a
stylistic preference, though.
That signaled an end to breakfast. Everyone else left the room as Kachiko
was forced to drag the sobbing Soun attached to her leg.
I'm a little unclear on where she's dragging Soun too.
Perhaps "drag the sobbing Soun off her leg?"
Seeing her distracted, Ranma at last acted on her plan. The redhead pointed
directly behind Kachiko and shouted, "Look! It's Haley's Comet!" Then hit
the support Kachiko had been standing on.
"Halley's Comet."
Ranma looked down at the motionless girl. "Umm. she might need
mouth-to-mouth. I think it would be a really bad idea if
I-"
Either "Umm, she might" or "Umm. She might."
It was at that moment that Kachiko sat up lightning quick, shouting "But I'm
not a lesbian!" Her head impacted with Akane's hard enough to knock the bent
over girl backwards and onto her bottom.
'shouting, "But I'm' (need a comma)
And heh.
Kachiko made a face that promised violence for someone. Through gritted
teeth. "I was remembering this Grade-A bull dyke named Yumi that used to go
to school. She was pure evil, always trying to come up with ways to trick
girls into kissing her and making them as perverted as she was. She was
always causing trouble. She hit on me constantly."
I have this sneaking suspicion Yumi will be playing a role
later on.
"And there's no concertina wire along the top of the wall either."
I didn't know there was such a thing as concertina wire. Of
course, I also didn't know there was a Barbed Wire Museum
(120 West 1st Street, LaCrosse, Kansas), which I found about
while looking up concertina wire. So this was a
doubly-informative passage!
Nabiki noted among the debris of the garbage can next to the desk a number
of empty packages of pocky. A sugar high would make things ever easier. She
made a show of appearing surprised. "I have to say, Miss Hinako, you're
taking the news rather well."
Since it's a brand name, Pocky should be capitalized.
"Ah." He instinctively leaped up to a nearby light fixture. It took a moment
for him to only calm semi-down, since it had been Hinako who had appeared,
and that when she accosted him, it usually meant trouble. "What didn't I do,
that you think I did do, and why did it make you want to try and drain me?"
Perhaps "Ah!"? I think you need a little more
shock/emphasis. The second sentence also should be broken
up: "who had appeared. When she accosted..."
Not many more comments this time. I especially liked the
Kachi+Kuno bits. Now on to the next....