Here's some C&C. It's not late, it's just, uh... hey, look,
a truck!
"But I want to hold her in my arms!" Soun pleaded.
NABIKI: So do I.
AKANE: I don't think he means a headlock, though.
Akane laid a sympathetic hand on her father's shoulder. "I know. We all feel
the same way. We'll get things sorted out, but it's going to take time. You
need to back off. If you keep trying to do what you've been doing, all
you're going to do is drive Mom away."
There is something ironic, and vaguely disturbing, about the
fact that Akane and her sisters are encouraging their
parents to do the nasty.
Rather than press the point with the girl, Kachiko turned to the man next to
her. Her eyes were full of tears as she sniffled and said, "Soun-chan, our
daughter's being defiant. I go away for a couple of years, and this is how
you let our children's behavior deteriorate, showing no respect for the
people that brought them forth into this world. I'm so ashamed." She cupped
her hands to her face, hiding it from view as the sounds of crying filled
the room.
A transformation seemed to overcome Soun as, for the first time in years,
his backbone stiffened and his resolve firmed. "You're absolutely right,
Kachi-chan. I've been a poor father. Nabiki, go to your room."
Heh.
Nabiki's eyes were wide as she barely was able to associate the man before
her with what she knew him to be. "Daddy?"
This sentence seems a little awkward to me. Maybe break it
up into two sentence? "Nabiki's eyes were wide. Was this
really her father?"
So much time had been wasted, but Kachiko quickly made up for it. She proved
almost inhumanly adept at the school and its catalogue of impressive
techniques. In no time she rivaled her much older father in skill, and was
certain she would have passed him soon, if she had not done so already. Her
mind on the battlefield was like a trap, even Sakura, who cared little for
martial arts, would admit that.
It should be either "trap. Even Sakura" or "trap; even Sakura".
"Well, I do know the Tendou School of Anything Goes Martial Arts, and I did
recognize some of those moves you used, but not all of them. Some of them
looked pretty good."
Kachiko gave a proud smile. "Almost as good as the girl that was using
them."
RANMA: What, you learned from your mom?
KACHIKO: ...
He shook clear of those thoughts and instead focused on more immediate
matters. It was the time for the sparring match. He meant what he had said
about going easy on her. He'd move first and try to get close to her rather
than actually punching or kicking. Maybe he'd try to trip her and put her
on the floor, then use his superior strength to pin her down without harming
her. Yes, that seemed the best way.
This has been yet another moment brought to you by Ranma
"Compromising Positions" Saotome.
Kachiko gave a disapproving noise as she looked at the prone figure before
her. "Geez, you're gullible. What sort of idiot calls out an attack before
she makes it? It's like saying, 'I'm going to punch you in the face. See if
you can block it in time'. And I thought you were a tough martial artist."
She pulled up her pants yet again. "And I really got to get this problem
taken care of." She departed, leaving Ranma lying unconscious on the floor.
Heh.
"Well, it all depends on your point of view. It was sort of a punch, in an
existential sort of way."
Heh.
"No it wasn't! That was kick, and a dirty one at that."
"That was a kick...."
> Ranma looked pointedly away. "I didn't notice, so I can't say."
She grabbed him by the sides of his head and thrust his face into her bare
mid-riff. "Can you notice now?"
"Yes. I notice you're an innie," his muffled voice replied
Heh again.
Kachiko was about to give up. She had dragged Ranma along sincerely wanting
a man's opinion on her choice of clothing. But since their brief discussion
about her navel, 'Fine' was the only response she could pry out of Ranma
each time she asked.
I'd suggest "only response she could pry out of him"... the
extra words are a bit redundant.
Kachiko was about to ask him if he'd like another shot to the nuts, and if
he said, 'fine' she'd do it too, when the sound of a loud explosion came
from the street.
Above, you used 'Fine,' here you use 'fine.' I think the
latter is more correct, but either way, you should pick one.
Ranma recoiled in agony form the heat and impact the beams imparted. Though
painful, it was not enough to incapacitate him. All he needed was a second
to recover. Again the Destroyer's eyes glowed, and Ranma was uncertain if he
would get the time he needed.
"agony from the heat" (typo)
The chunk arced toward Ranma, and he reflexively caught it. Then he realized
what it was he had grabbed. "Ewww! That's disgusting. He must have leprosy
or..." Ranma felt the material in his hand. "Hey, this isn't flesh. It's
come kind of plastic."
"some kind"
Ranma found himself slightly at a loss. Maybe a Hiryuu Shoutan Ha. "Your
mother was a moped and your father a pocket watch."
The robot seemed unmoved by the insults.
Heh.
"I didn't ogle your breasts, only the sides of them... That came out
horribly wrong," Ranma lamented as Soun and Akane's tempers finally snapped
and they fell on him.
That's not really a very Ranma thing to say, but it's
hilariously funny. ;)
You know, especially given how late this is, I really don't
have much to say. ;) It's a good story, and I, personally,
like Kachiko. She's annoying and irritating, in a funny
way; and while it's true that she's getting the best of
Ranma and everyone else, all new characters in the manga do
too, at least at first.
Anyways, I'm looking forward to the next chapter... or at
least, I would be, if it wasn't out already, and next on the
list for me to C&C. ;)
Bjorn