Although I typically do NOT give C&C to fics that must resort to begging
for it in the subject line, I was persuaded by some friends to make an
exception this once.

On Wed, 4 Sep 2002, Cute Kitsune Kaydee wrote:

Disclaimer : I don't own them any

While I am fully aware that many people consider correcting a disclaimer
for grammatical errors is considered to be niggling trait, I can't help
but remark that it is only one sentance.  Surely even forming a complete
sentance isn't that difficult.  As it stands now, this completely content
free disclaimer can only set the reader against the fic before it has even
properly started.

" " = Japanese

' ' = English

/ / = Chinese

~ ~ = telepathic

( ) = thoughts

Although this is a much debated and divided topic, I would recommend that
you do away with such keys, and use descriptions in order to detail what
language the speaker is using.  I've found that the use of keys tends to
be confusing, contraty to the goal of immersing the reader in the story,
and if used in too great a density, can turn whole paragraphs into looking
like ANSI compliant alphabet soup.

The New Girl Type Series

By

Cute Kitsune Kaydee



Prologue



September 9 , 2002

No space on the left of commas.

Placing these headers to delineate each scene is rathe annoying, IMO.  I'd
suggest that you write "In the present day, at his own home, Kitsune..."
If the reader cannot understand the scene by the description of text or
dialouge, then you need to take a better look at your scene.  Or, if the
reader happily does pick up on these cues, then you have little need of
the headers.

Kitsune's House

Kitsune was writing a fanfic where Ranma-chan had defeated Sash the

Amazon

look-alike cousin of Usagi Tsukino in the Amazon Village instead of
Shampoo(1).

Not nearly enough description.  If you feel there's the need to establish
the details of the fanfic, then surely you should expand this in to
somewhat more detail.  If not, they simplify.  "Kitsune was writing a
fanfic, but was not getting any new ideas today" or "Kitsune was writing a
fanfic, and had already finished 2 paragraphs when he decided to take a
break." or something of the like.

She yawned and got up from the keyboard and decided to get some
sleep since she hadn't had any for 24 hours.

She?  I assume that this is an avatar, then, since you are not female.
That would mean that this is technically not an Self Insertion, although
the stories of both types tend to read so similarly that I am not
surprised that one might get confused.

She felt tired.

This was already established in the preceeding line.  Unnecessary, and
redundant.

 She stumbled

toward the doorway to the hall not noticing the doorway was glowing and
walked through it. Then in a flash of light the glow was gone ... and so

was

Kitsune.

And...that's it?  No description of the glow, no shout of surprise?  This
scene seems so mechanical as is...I'd suggest adding in some more details.
No need to get too monotonous about it, but some detail would certainly
help.  Any detail, in fact.

1500 AD

Jusenkyo

Kitsune wondered why her foot was taking so long to hit the wood paneled
floor and opened her eyes and screamed , "AHHHHHHHH!"

Again, remove the space immediately preceeding the comma.

The way the sentance is phrased, there's no sense of time.  I'd suggest
breaking it up as follows:

Kitsune paused momentarily, as her foot did not meet the resistance of the
wooden paneled floor, as she took her next step.  She opened her eyes,
only to shout in surprise as she realized she was falling.  "AHHHHHH!"

Kitsune was falling through the air toward a group of pools below. There
were many people there but she was too high up to tell what they were

doing.

Comma after "there".

'WHAT THE !@$%!$#^$! FREAKING @^#%@ FLAMIN' !@^#^@% DAMN HELL IS GOING

ON

HERE?!' , cursed out Kitsune.

No space preceeding the comma.

To 'curse out <proper noun>' implies that someone is 'cursing out' <proper
noun>.  I don't know what 'cursing out' someone means (I am familiar with
the term 'cursing off', or 'cursing at', or even merely 'cursing'), but
not 'cursing out'.  If this is a term you have invented yourself, I highly
suggest using the more customary English language.

As she fell further towards the pools she could see what looked like
fighting. She fell further and saw people killing each other. She fell
further and saw what looked like big brutish men and smaller women

fighting

each other.

Why was it necessary to fragment this thought into so many smaller
sentances?  If you were trying to establish that your avatar character was
falling for an extremely long period of time, then there are ways to do it
other than merely repeating the same phrasing at the beginning of each
sentance, which seems dully repetitive.

As she continued to fall, the figures below slowly gained clarity.
Indeed, as she drew closer to the ground, she was able to make out their
actions.  They seemed to be fighting!  Slowly, falling all the while, she
could make out the two sides.  Large, brutish looking men fought smaller
women, in a desperate fight to the death.

She saw a pool coming up fast and just as she was about to scream out

loud

some more she fell into the pool.

Could use some commas, here.  Additionally,

Incidentally, if your avatar was falling that long, it's quite unlikely
that the character survived, even if the character fell into a pool.

She felt the water covering her and flailed about and then surged

upwards

and broke the surface. She gulped in large lungfulls of sweet air. Then

she

looked around and saw a bunch of people busy killing other people.

"She felt, she gulped, she looked..."

Again, extremely repetitive.  Vary your descriptions more.

These, as all the preceeding lines, are extremely choppy.  I haven't
counted, but I am under the impression that so far, you've only used about
3-5 adjectives.  Are you a foreigner to all native speaking countries?
Most people in American (and I presume other) schools are taught how to
properly use adjectives during primary school.  There are many sites on
the internet that have rules of grammar, and I'm sure that pursuing these
may greatly improve your fic quality.

A large
fur-covered man was about to stab a spear into a cute teenage girl who

was

wearing armor. Not wanting to see a cute girl , and potential date , get
harmed Kitsune drew her magnum and fired at the large  , brutish , ugly

man.

Comma errors again.  Fix as I have detailed with the previous instances.

The man went down with a startled expression on his face.

***

Lotion knew she was dead when her foot slipped and she fell. She looked

up

and saw Ax Or's spear about to stab into her. She would not show fear

though

Needs a comma.

She would not show fear, though, and...

and looked at him with a defiant expression. He snarled in rage and

prepared

to finish her.

Wait, he's already about to stab her, and he stops, takes the time to
snarl at her, then starts over again?  That seems nonsensical.  I'd
suggest you think this sequence through again.

She would die but she would die like an Amazon ... bravely ,
honorably , and defiant to the end. She would show that an Amazon was

not

conquerable. She laughed at him and waited for the deathstroke.

She has time to laugh at him during his stabbing motion?  Ax Or must be an
extremely slow stabber.  I have to wonder why she just doesn't get back
up, if she has that much time available to her.

 Suddenly a

loud noise was heard and he got a startled expression his face and then

fell

dead.

Rather bland, but acceptable, I suppose.


While I would normally comment on the plot, as to whether I believe it is
plausible, implausible, or handled correctly (or not), since you haven't
shown any hint of a plot to the audience yet, I regret that I cannot help
you with comments in that regard.  Also, there are probably issues I
missed since I normally do more than one pass through a story when I am
C&Cing it, but undoubtely, the ones vital to your story are shown above..

One more item.  I've noticed that you only put one space after your
periods before beginning the nest sentance.  It is common practice to
place two spaces.  This tends to make the sentances look less cramped and
easier to read.

In general, this idea, as most ideas, has the potential to be a well
written story.  I'm sure that once you've worked out the sentance
contruction, punctuation sentance terseness, plot, and written to a point
where some significant action happens, I'm reasonably certain that your
readers will find that version improved over this current one.

-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble.  A few more shots, then
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode.  Ducking around a corner,
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of
my Anime supplier.

One look at his face and I knew that I had been betrayed.  "Tell me,"
I insisted.  He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance.  Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao," he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...


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