C&C Below.  Snippage throughout.

Matchmaker2
The Matchmaker, Chapter 2

I gradually leaned back in the passenger seat of
Futana's car and stared at the streetlights passing
above the windshield. Was this all real? It seemed
like something that could not be happening.

FUTABA:  This can't be real...

FUTANA:  But it is.

FUTABA:  I mean, when did you get enough money to buy a car?

(Doesn't Futana take the subway?)
 

But here I was, a sixteen-year old girl, and there
Futana was, a twenty-one year old guy. Things were so
backwards.I leaned left a bit and looked at Futana.

space:  backwards.  I leaned

suggest:  I leaned towards Futana and looked at him.
(Drivers' seats are on the right in Japan.)

"So how do you deal with it?" he was concentrating
heavily on driving but gave me a glance.

"Do what, sis?"

cap:  "Do what, Sis?"
(Capitalize proper nouns -- the names of specific people,
places, or things.  And when using it as a name, "sister"
is a specific person.)

Move the paragraph break back to the previous sentence.
 
Speech should be in the same paragraph as the speaker.
In the same paragraph where you have Futaba speaking,
the description is of Futana.

[...]

Futana pulled the car over and unbuckled. "Get out." I
sat there, stunned. "Get out, sis. Now. I have to show
you something."

cap:  Get out, Sis
(Used as a proper noun.)

This is a good way to build up tension...

[...]

With that he pulled out his wallet and the photo fold
began to flip open until it hit the ground as Futana
broke into a grin. "Each and every one of these little
pretties-mph!" My palm in Futana's face shut him up as
I sat back down in the car and buckled my seat-belt.

...but I found the payoff lacking.  Why was it
necessary for Futana to pull over to show photos?

[...]

Futana sat down, a wide grin splitting his face.
"Well, sis. I'd suggest that you just learn to enjoy
it. You will have advantages of speed and strength
over almost any person out there, and you can have any
guy you want."

What are these advantages of "speed and strength" Futana
is talking about?  I wasn't aware that girl-type Futaba
is faster and stronger than boy-type.

"But I don't want a guy!" I elicited a worried frown.
Did this mean I had to be gay?

You might want to change this to "wrap any guy you want
around your finger" or somesuch.  The first time I read
this passage, I thought it said "I don't want [to be] a
guy." and "Did this mean I had to be [a guy]?"

Then again, maybe I read too fast.  ^_^;

"I guess you could go for girls, Futana, but that's
going to be harder as time goes on. I myself find it
harder and harder to stay female most of the time.
Somehow dad has nearly perfect control over what he is
and when, and I have limited control, but I still have
periods where I'm stuck male."

cap:  somehow Dad
(Used as a proper noun.)

So are you using different "rules" than the Futaba-Kun
Change comic?  Futana has no such problems there.

[...]

I could hardly believe my eyes as we approached the
Women's section of the large department store that

cap:  women's
(Why would you capitalize it?)

Futana had chosen. They had more bras and panties than
the Men's section had articles of clothing in general.

cap:  men's
(Ditto.)

A few clerks chuckled knowingly as Futana grabbed a
few of the more colorful pairs and led me to a
dressing room. It genuinely surprised me when Futana
stopped in front of the last dressing room in the row,
handed me a pair, and then motioned me into the little
cubicle.

"What, sis. You don't expect me to wear them, do you?"

suggest:  What?  You don't
(The characters keep saying "sis" or "sister" or
"little sister", etc.  It sounds awkward when people keep
addressing each other over and over.  And it doesn't help
that both of them use the same term -- sister -- to refer
to each other.)

He grinned and pulled the door to the dressing room
shut as I slowly disrobed and tried to put the bra on.

"Er...Futana"

space/punc:  Er... Funtana?"
(Always Put a space between punctuation and words that
follow it.  Also, you need ending puctuation from the
quote.)

[...]

"Okay, little sis," she said, putting her hands on top
of mine, "first you want to make sure both of your
breasts are snugly in the cups," she demonstrated with
my hands while looking over my shoulder. "Next, you
want to make sure that the shoulder straps are snug."
That was odd...something was wrong...

cap:  Little Sis
(I won't make any further comments on "sis"es)

suggest:  are in the cups
(Avoid repeated use of "snug.")

space:  That was odd... something
(You need a space after the ellipsis again.)

[...]

"Of course not, Sis...why would there be
something...oh wait...I do smell that..."

Ack!  Need... spaces!  Also, feel free to use other
forms of punctuation.  For example, "something...  Oh
wait, I do smell that."
 

As if on cue, the fire alarms went off.

Futana panicked and switched to male form. "Geez!
Futaba-chan, let's get outta here!"

Wasn't she already in male form when she started groping
Futana (as she is when she gropes Futaba in the comic)?

[...]

When I came to I was freezing cold and heard the sound
of a grown man in tears. I almost passed out again
from the sheer ridiculousness of it.

The term "grown man in tears" is rather judgemental.
Would it be ridiculous to hear a "grown man in tears"
over the loss of his daughter who was killed in the
fire?

NABIKI:  Yeah, so first let him *hear* the "serious"
         nature of Daddy's problem and *then* be
         judgemental!

SOUN:  My own daughter...  ;_;

"That's it. We're never going shopping again! First
Akane starts a brush fire while testing the
Coffee-makers" I sat up to see a mustachioed man

You know, Akane's character flaw is being inept at
traditionally feminine skills.  Last I checked, testing
coffee makers was not a feminine skill...

AKANE:  Also, the dry grasses and shrubs needed to start
        a brush fire tend to be lacking inside department
        stores...  [frown]

yelling at three girls, who were all sitting down and
looking forlorn. "Then Nabiki refuses to leave until
she can get a deal on a new rain-gutter for the house,
putting herself and others in danger," The girl to

A) Why does Nabiki want rain gutters?
C) How did her actions put *others* in danger?
B) What kind of department store is this?  ^_^;

Akane's left patted a familiar-looking pile of metal
that was sitting at her feet and smiled. "And then
Kasumi distracts Ranma as he's carrying those metal
bars outside and Ranma manages to knock Kahoru Iroka's
daughter unconscious!"

suggest:  bars outside and manages to knock
(Avoid repeated use of "Ranma".)

Out of curiosity, how did Kasumi distract Ranma?
Why on earth was he carrying metal bars? Finally,
how does Soun know who was knocked out?  Even Futaba
doesn't know he's Kahoru's child at this point!

It's certainly possible that she told Soun while Futaba
was out, but wouldn't he be confused by the statement?
e.g., "He must think I'm someone else" or "Did another
girl get knocked out, too?"

[...]

"We're all just lucky the fire department made it on
time now, aren't we? Let's all thank our firefighters"
I finally got up to see who was putting on such a show
and found that it was the most beautiful woman that I
had ever seen. She also looked strikingly familiar,
for some reason.

That sentence was quite a mouthful.
suggest:  such a show, and saw the most beautiful
    woman I've ever

Futana walked up to the woman and smiled cheerily in
boy form. "Hi, Mom! The Tendos seem okay but they're
still awful sorry about hitting Futaba over the head
with those gutters."

Things make a little more sense, now.  But why call
gutters metal bars?  They're rather different.

[...]

"Hello again, everybody. For those of you who don't
know me I'm Kahoru Iroka," she flashed a grin as all
of the audience gasped in awe, "For of those of you
who haven't heard of me, you can check out my new
movie, Action Babe 2, playing at the Cinema right

suggest:  gasped in awe.  "You can check out
(She already did the "For those of you who
don't..." line.)

cap:  cinema

now." A few people left the crowd in search of the
theater as the woman flashed a bit of leg. "Anyway.
I'd like to introduce to you two very special people
to me, my son Futana-kun and my daughter,

punc:  to me:  my son Futana-kun, and my daughter,

suggest:  two people very special to me:
(Don't break up the phrase "special to".)

Futaba-chan." I could hardly believe my ears, and was
quite ready to run away, but Futana caught my arm and
gave me a glance that said I would not want to miss
this. "It's my fondest hope that you'll be seeing as
much of them as you do of me, minus those dirty
pictures in the tabloids I'd like to thank the Tendos
for being so helpful," there was a slight applause and
a surprised look from the Mustachioed man, "and we'll
see you all later."

punc:  tabloids.  I'd like to thank
(Missing period.)
suggest:  I'd also like to thank

punc:  so helpful."  There was a slight
(You're starting a new sentence.)

cap/punc:  mustachioed  man.  "And we'll
(No Need For Capitalization, and another new sentence.)

Kahoru Iroka bowed and led Futana and I into a trailer
that was waiting near the firetrucks.

gram:  Futana and me
("She led me into a trailer," not "She led I into a
trailer.")

The minute we were in the trailer she held her breath
for a moment, and then distinctly changed in figure,
becoming my father. "Well, that could have come at a
better time, now, couldn't it have?" I looked at the

punc:  the trailer, she held
(Dependent clause.)

suggest:  "now, couldn't it?"
(The "have" isn't necessary.)

[...]

It was Ranma, in girl form. "Hi, Futaba-chan. The
Tendos were wondering if, since they gave you a
concussion and all, you'd like to go over to their
place and ..." Ranma suddenly paused and looked
around. "Hey! Where'd your mom go?"

Would Ranma really use the diminituve "-chan"?  It
implies a level of familiarity with a girl that I
doubt Ranma would want people to hear.

space:  their place and..."
(No space before the ellipsis.)

[...]

A pair of white Jeans and a Black T-shirt later I was
walking on a sidewalk as Ranma, now male, walked along
a fence above me.

cap:  jeans
cap:  black

punc:  Ranma -- now male -- walked
 
[...]

"Now walk forward." Ranma's voice in my ear was smooth
and encouraging as I put one foot in front of the
other, teetering dangerously in between falling on
hard cement that lay to my left and getting dunked in
the aqueduct that loomed to my right. Ranma's hands
felt like the only thing keeping me aloft, then he let
go, and I was free.

FUTABA:  I'm free!  Free like a bird!  Wait, bird?
         Aiiie!  [splash]

Why doesn't Futaba fall over?
 

"Now run!" He laughed joyously as I began to sprint
along the fence, miraculously able to keep my balance
only through virtue of the speed I was keeping.

Moving faster only means when you when you lose your
balance, you're less likely to be able to regain it.
You'll move farther before you fall, but you'll still
fall...

I have to say, I didn't really buy into this whole
interaction.  The question was odd ("how" does he do
it rather than "why"), and as I've noted, I didn't find
the answer satisfactory.

Further, I'm of the opinion that Ranma's running along
fenches is a territorial thing.  Why would he let
another person up on his perch?  :j

RANMA:  Are you calling me some kind of rooster?

NABIKI:  I'm sure he meant to say you were a chicken.

[...]

"You're sweating like crazy, Futaba-chan.," he said as
he handed me a towel rather forcefully. " I'm sure
you'll have an easier time when you get practice, but
for now you could do with a hot soak."

punc:  Futaba-chan," he said
(Period or comma, never both.)

space:  forcefully."  I'm sure
(No spaces after the ending punctuation in a quote.)

With little more protest I pushed Ranma out of the
bathroom, disrobed, gave myself a quick scrub-down,
and sank into the bath with a sigh of relief. I hadn't
had such a chance to relax since this entire mess
started!

gram:  With more protests, I pushed Ranma
or:  With a little more protesting,

Fizzz...

It didn't take me long to find out what had happened.

RANMA:  What is that SMELL?

I had changed back. Sighing pitifully, I got up after
washing wrapped a towel about my waist. What was I
going to do? Surely Ranma would understand, but what
if he didn't? Could I live with that?

Having no other alternative, I called out for Ranma.

What about the alternative of waiting?  He isn't even
*trying* to change back.  If he tried to get excited
and still failed, maybe then I'd buy this statement.

RANMA:  Are you going to come out or what?

FUTABA:  Could you slip a girlie mag under the door
         and give me a few minutes, first?

[...]

"I see." He carefully closed the door. "Come into the
Dojo when you're dressed. I'll leave a pair of boxers
out here.

cap:  dojo.

gram:  pair of boxers here.
(Or is he leaving the boxers out there in the dojo?)

[...]

"I'm sorry, Ranma...I-" in a flash Ranma's fist was
mere inches from my nose, Barely managing to keep my
cool, I fell to the floor.

space/cap:  Ranma... I-"  In

For what possible reason would Ranma react this violently?
Has he ever acted like this in the comic?
 

"Don't make excuses. I almost trusted you. Almost. Do
you enjoy messing with other peoples' minds so? Do you
get high on how much you can hurt someone? It figures
that you were the first girl that I was ever
comfortable with. You're a guy. Naturally. Why can't

Very appropriate.  ^_^

one damn thing make sense here!?" Ranma slowly
withdrew his still-tense fist and went back to sitting
in seiza in the middle of the dojo, eyes closed.

What is "sitting in seiza"?
(And how do you expect your readers to know what it means?)
 

"You can leave after we eat. Don't bother letting me
know. Kasumi will probably have dinner ready in a few
minutes."

Don't bother letting him know what?

[...]

"What the hell are you thinking, you Idiot!?" The
scream startled me as I sat down on a convenient
boulder near the koi pond. It sounded like Akane's
voice.

cap:  you idiot!?
suggest:  you dummy!?

Why on earth is Akane screaming at Ranma?  I can
certainly see her questioning or chastising Ranma
for his behavior, but why scream?

Some muffled comments failed to make it to my ears.

"So what, Ranma? Futaba's the first person with a
curse that you've met who's not trying consistently to
kill or marry you

PANDA:  [sign] I am not trying to marry my son!

SOUN:  Yes, you are!

PANDA:  [sign flip]  But only off to *other* people!

and you blow her off because she
doesn't tell you about it on the first day you meet
her? Have you no idea what you're doing? You pathetic
hypocrite!" There was the sound of a splash of water.

This reaction seems way off base, too.  Her logic
is sound, but why is she being so insulting?

"Stay that way, for all I care. You're no man, even by
your own rather shaky standards. You disgust me."

What "rather shaky standards" is she talking about?

"Get lost, you tomboy!" Ranma's angered voice, now
feminine, shocked me in its vehemence. "I trusted her!
I thought she was my friend, and yet she don't tell me
nuthin! You try having that happen to you!"

The sound of flesh hitting flesh resounded throughout
the house.

As with Ranma's reaction before, I find this too
be an excessively violent response for Akane.
 

"I did, Ranma." Akane's voice, now soft, pained,
pierced the sound of the bustle around the house as it
all died off in anticipation, waiting for Ranma's next
move. "The day we met, do you remember that? You had
so many chances to tell me, but no. You had to wait
until I was suitably nude to appear in front of me. Do
you remember that?"

gram:  Akane's voice, now soft and pained

I like the perspectives of Ranma and Akane here, but
the scene comes off as somewhat simplistic.  It feels
like you're trying to make the situation more emotional
by having the speakers yell at and hit each other.

Another approach would be to have them simply state
their minds and show the impact on each other.  Akane
could simply say "I did, Ranma.  The day we met,"  From
there, show Ranma's dawning comprehension of the parallels.

There was no longer any noticeable sound in the house
as Akane's angered footsteps left the vicinity of the
Dojo, leaving the front gate to slam violently as she
left the Tendo residence.

suggest:  Tendo grounds
or:  Tendo yard

Slowly, the sound of Ranma getting up and leaving the
dojo could be heard. Gradually she appeared in the
doorway leading out from the tea room and sat down
next to me.

suggest:   I could hear the sound of Ranma
(Why use the passive voice?)

[...]

Ranma kept her gaze away still. "But why didn't you
tell me? Of all people, I would be the most likely to
understand, I'd think."

suggest:  I'd be the most likely... don'tcha think?
(Don't forget, Ranma uses sloppy language.)

[...]

"Hit me. Right in the face. I've been an idiot. A
jerk. Whatever Akane wants to call it, I've been that.
I knew that I would never have the possibility of
becoming like this forever, but I did fear it.

AKANE:  I think there's still the definite possibility
        you could be a jerk forever...

RANMA:  I meant a girl!

[...]

Ranma smiled weakly, and then sniffed the air, his
smile growing. "You'll want to try this. It smells
like Kasumi's almost done cooking dinner."

suggest:  "It smells like... dinner.  You'll want to
    try it."
(You refer to "this" before explaining what it is.
Mention the dinner first.)

We made our way back inside to find that Akane had
already returned and that she and the Tendos already
sitting at the table, looking at us expectantly over
what could only be described as a feast.

suggest:  table.   They were looking at us
(That sentence was rather long.)

Ranma and I sat down quietly, side-by-side, and
glanced at the others around the table. Finally, Akane
cracked a satisfied grin.

"Itadakimasu!"

With that began the battle that could only be
described as `dinner with the Tendos.'

Is Akane satisfied because Ranma's resolved his differences
with Futaba, or because it's dinner time?  If the former,
I'd suggest you delete the last two paragraphs.
 

***

After dinner Ranma, Akane, and I sat out on the roof
and looked at the stars, chatting idly through the
excitement of the day and comparing notes on curses
and the like.

gram:  chatting idly about
or:  chatting idly on
(Chatting "through the day" means chatting all day long.)

I sat, wondering and asking, enjoying the temporary
stability of my male form as I searched the sky for
some hint of the future.

CARL SAGAN:  So the nighttime sky is in fact something
             like a time machine, giving us a view into
             the distant past...

FUTABA:  [sigh]

"I guess I've been having my own identity crisis,
since I got this curse." [...]

Wait for it...

"At least you had some warning. One minute I was a
guy, and the next I was a girl. No springs, no
training. Just poof, and I wake up female."

What, he wasn't looking at a porno mag in the
bathroom in this continuity?  :)

[...]

"You see, I never had that," Ranma's voice had an edge
in it. "I've always been a guy. No matter what, I was
always Ranma Saotome. I never liked guys, was never
even remotely attracted to them, and never will be.
The only difference for me is being a little more
sensitive and a little less strong."

I dunno, Ranma's pretty insensitive in either of his
forms...  :j

These comments appear to be in direct opposition
to Ranma's previous comments above that he *has* been
having an identity crisis.

I sighed with intentional gravity and finally let
loose what had been on my mind.

"Why?" Perhaps I could have delivered the question
better.

RANMA:  Why ask why?

FUTABA:  [thinking]  Yep.  Could have put that better.

RANMA:  Bud Dry.

FUTABA:  [sighs]

suggest:  could have put the question
or:  could have phrased

[...]

"Why do you two prolong this, when you two always hold
each other at arms length anyway?"

punc:  arm's length
(I'm pretty sure.)

RANMA:  It's a fundamental principal of fighting that you
        don't let your opponent move within your reach!

FUTABA:  But this isn't a fight!

RANMA:  Everything is a fight, my old man taught me that!
        And if I let him get too close, he'll steal all
        my food!
        
FUTABA:  I was talking about Akane.

[...]

I walked alone, towards Furinkan, the amber red of
dawn tickling my eyes as I casually approached the
front door nearly a half-hour early only to find Ranma
waiting there for me, fury in his eyes.

Uh... amber is yellow.

"Do you really want to know, Futaba-chan?" He began to
walk purposefully towards me, and I likewise began to
back off, afraid of what would come of this.

Is Futaba supposed to know what the heck Ranma's
talking about?  The question might have been a few
paragraphs ago for us, but it's been hours for these
guys.

"I'm a guy right now, Ranma." That didn't last, as my
nervousness brought on my conversion to female-side.

And what kind of reponse is "I'm a guy right now"?
You've described Ranma as furious, not passionate
or amorous.  Why would Futaba think his gender had
anything to do with the question?

Is there some sort of body language Futaba is seeing
that you decided wasn't important enough for the
readers to know about?

"Do you want to know why I can't love Akane,
Futaba-chan?" Ranma got close to me and put his arms
around me and kissed me as I struggled against his
many-times-stronger grip.

This is a rather awkward sentence.
suggest:  "Ranma drew close and put his arms around me.
As I struggled weakly against his grip, he began to kiss
me."

I struggled away from his mouth. "Ranma! You're
hurting me!"

suggest:  tried to pull away from
(Avoid the repeated use of "struggled.")

Ranma obliged and loosened his grip as he tipped me
over and kissed me gently.

suggest:  obliged by loosening his grip.  Instead, he
    tipped...

I finally reciprocated, felling oddly comforted, as if
I could let go with him, even as he took my shirt off
I still leaned on him, enjoying the security...

I think I speak for the original Ranma and Futaba when
I say, "Ew!"

***

I awoke from the not-entirely-unpleasant dream on the
couch in the Tendo Tea room where I had stripped down
and slept the night before. After sitting up slowly
and wiping the sweat from my eyes, I felt a bit of a
twisting ache across my hips as well as pain in my
back and head, and found that Akane was standing there
looking at me quizzically.

cap:  Tendo tea

[...]

She placed a box in my hand. "These are pads. I'm
assuming that you wouldn't be entirely comfortable
with tampons so you can use them for now. We had this
in case Ranma's first period ever came. That never
happened and I don't think it will so you can have
these."

RANMA:  Thank goodness for small favors...

punc:  think it will, so you can

[...]

"You're kidding, right? Someone spilled red dye on the
couch or something. Hey! Why were you standing over
me, anyway?" I was getting close to hysterics at this
point.

Is this where we find out that Akane "swings that way"
and is affected by the pheremones the Shimeru family puts
out during that time of the month?  :j

[...]

"P-p-p-pretty Lady!"

Hotcha!  What fic can't be spiced up with a little Happi?
(Although I wonder why he's stuttering.)

Of course, he just *has* to meat Futana...
 
[...]

"What are you guys doing? I thought we already agreed
that Ranma was my Fiance and that you were going to
stop this now!"

cap: fiance

It's a little odd hearing this from Akane's mouth.
suggest:  agreed to stop attacking me!"

[...]

Hinako suddenly nodded sympathetically and directed me
to sit down. I promptly took my seat and wrote a note
to Ranma.

-What was with you this morning? Why were you acting
so perverted? 

From Futaba-

suggest:  What was with
suggest:  -Futaba

A few minutes later a note came to me, but when I
tried to read it, I could not decipher the
handwriting.

Very appropriate.  :)

[...]

-Futaba,

Ranma says he didn't know what came over him.

Akane-

suggest:  Futaba,
and: -Akane

(I've never seen dashes used the way you're using them here.)

[...]

"Attention all da Keikis! Dis is yo principal! Class
today is gonna be bein cancelled cause there be only
one a da boys in class today. Have a nice trip home!"

punc:  keikis
(I'll assume the spelling is correct.)

Akane and Ranma got up with one corporate motion and
`Yataa'd.

A corporate motion?  You mean like divesting
expenditures in offshore accounts?

I assume you mean they cheered?
(And if so, why didn't you just say "cheered"?  :)

[...]

"Hey, Futaba? Wanna go to Ucchan's with Akane n' me?
We're gonna hang out for a bit."

AKANE:  We're having a bra burning!

I wanted to go with her so much, but I couldn't,
because when I looked into those sapphire eyes I
realized what had brought me through those days.

Brought him through what days?

[...]

I gave the now cackling Futana the strongest glare I
could manage which, because of my state of exhaustion,
was quite pitiful. "That doesn't explain why dad
didn't tell me on the phone. He would have known about
the `little problem' of ejecting hundreds of times the
amount of pheromones during our period."

punc:  glare I could manage, which - becuase ...
    exhaustion - was quite pitiful.
    
[...]

Gradually I realized that, though I had wishes to do
so, sitting there would do me no good, so I slung a
coat over my shoulders and sped down the stairs and
out of my house, hunting down that spot near the river
where I had carried Ranma the other day.

Kind of a long sentence, eh?

[...]

"You know. When I first found that you had something
like the Nyannichuan curse I dearly wanted to hate
you.I wanted to hit you over the tea-room table." The
laughter that reached me was bitter, pained. "I was
afraid of you. I was afraid of how you'd turn out."

space:  hate you.  I wanted

I turned around ducked under the bridge to find
something unexpected. Akane.

How unexpected could it be, unless Ranma's been talking
this whole time?

"I was afraid too, Akane." I tried to keep my voice
level and not show how surprised I was. "I was afraid
for you and Ranma. I was afraid that you two were
going to leave each other forever and that it was
going to be my fault, and yet the very next day you
two are back to normal, getting along fairly well and
not throwing anything at each other that can do
permanent damage." Akane half-turned to look into my
eyes, and I saw that she had been crying.

punc:  I was afraid, too, Akane.

[...]

"I've been growing to love Ranma, but, at the same
time, I've been growing to hate him." She picked up a
small pebble and skipped it a few paces into the
river, avoiding my gaze. "He can be so strong, so
caring to me. He's so wonderful when he's like that.
When everything seems that it's getting too good to be
true, though, he lets his pride get the better of
everything and ruins it all."

AKANE:  So I've decided the only way to fix the situation
        is to detroy his pride!  [whips off clothing to
        reveal leather dominatrix outfit underneath]
        Oho ho ho ho ho!

----

The writing in this story is somewhat uneven.

I have problems reconciling the tone of the department store
scene "I can start a brush fire indoors using a coffee maker"
with the rest of the story.

When talking to Ranma in the dojo, Akane's behavior might be
described as "psycho-bitch," but then she's almost blasse about
his lecherous advances on Futaba in the morning, and friendly
to him at school.

You might want to go back and see if it would be approriate to
tweak those scenes to put them more in line with the rest of
the story.  Is there any need for Akane to be the one to start
the fire?  Why not the chain-smoking clerk?  And if you want
it to be Akane, why not make it the cause more plausible?

Should Akane have screamed at Ranma in the dojo?  Or maybe she
should she have been more angry at his beavior in the morning?

Once the tone and characterizations are a little more consistent,
I think you'll have a much better story on your hands.

Anyway, good luck and keep writing,


Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Fanfiction * Drawings * Roleplaying


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