My comments are in square [] brackets below, Allyn. Never let it be said
that I don't at least try to pay my debts.
 
Don.


************************************************ Chapter: 1 Man tian guo hai
(Cross the sea by fooling the sky)

"Dammit old man, it ain't funny!" Ranma glared at his father, convulsed in
mirth on the dirt floor of an abandoned warehouse in the Shanghai docks.  A
pounding rain drummed against the metal roof, spraying through cracks and
holes, turning portions of the floor into greasy quagmires.

"You . . .you . . ." The stocky figure pointed a quivering hand at his
"son", before going off into peals of braying laughter.

"Shut up!" Ranma smacked his father's bald head with a rotting board,
knowing better than to hit so hard an object with his bare hand. He looked
at the tiny, pale appendage in disgust. Especially now. "This is all _your_
fault, anyway!"

"H . . .how do you figure that b . . . boy," he started to go off in
convulsions again, then sobered slightly as his son hefted a rock,
sufficient to crack even his thick skull. Pulling a dirty kerchief from
around his neck he wiped perspiration from his heavy face, then stuffed the
cloth carelessly in his pocket. "How 'bout gettin' drinky for your ol' man,"
he smiled ingratiatingly, showing a shadow of the masculine charm that had
once been his pride, and his downfall. When his son made no move to honor
his request he fumbled in the rotting trash that covered part of the floor
until he came up with a heavy jug and drank thirstily.

"Criminy pop! Would you lay off that stuff?" Ranma's voice cracked, a fact
which almost sent his father off again. "That's what got us in trouble in
the first place. We were doin' alright until you pissed off----"
 
[Criminy, Pop!]

"Sur . . .ely you don't blame _me_ for our present troubles," Genma replied,
with such exquisite diction that it was nearly impossible to tell he had
consumed enough alcohol to kill ten ordinary men.

"I don't see no other fat thieving drunks around here." Ranma replied
nastily.

"Show some respect boy," Genma made a hasty swipe at his son, age and drink
throwing off his aim. He missed, landed hard and started blubbering.

"Geeez, pop, I'm sorry," Ranma said sadly.  He knelt beside his father,
brushing him off, "why can't ya stay off the sauce? You aint such a bad guy,
when you're sober."
 
[Pop.]

Genma lifted his head, his breath heavy with the smell of cheap rice-wine.
"Ah, boy," he boasted blearily, ". . .you should have seen me when I was
your age. I was magnificent. No man could stand against me in those days, no
woman resist me." He puffed out his chest, which still remained several
inches less than the girth of his belly. "But that was before . . .before .
. ." He started crying again.

"It's OK pops," his face tightened as he thought of _her_, the woman who had
turned his big, brave pop into this drunken wreck of a man. "I'll take care
of you." And I'll never let another woman hurt you, he though grimly. I'll
never let one get her dirty claws into me, neither.
 
[Pops. Thought rather than though.]

"Tha's my boy. My good . . .boy!" He tried clumsily to hug Ranma, causing
the other to squeal and fall  back.

[Extra space between "fall" and "back".]
 
"Don't _do_ that!" Onna-Ranma rubbed his breast, shooting an angry glance at
his father.

"I'm sorry . . .sorry," Genma wept, blood shot eyes taking in his "son's"
petite form, flowing red-hair falling below her softly flaring hips and
amply filled tunic. "I'm sorry, m'boy."

***** *****

"Married?"  Tendou Nabiki almost dropped the dish she was drying. "Are you
kidding? I can't get married now. I want to get into a good college."

"I'm sorry to disagree with you father," the eldest Tendou daughter put in,
"but I really think Nabiki is too young to be thinking of marriage," Tendou
Soun directed a speaking glance at Kasumi, who returned his gaze calmly.
"and I'm much too busy preparing for my own exams. Of course, we will submit
to your will,  as dutiful daughters should." Soun pulled at a collar that
was suddenly much too tight.
 
[Period after "marraige". Capitalize the leading conjunction "And" and
follow it with  a comma to start the next sentence. Extra space between the
comma following "will" and the word "as". Soun's actions in the last
sentence probably should go into a line of its own.]

"What's going on?"

Soun turned gratefully at the sound of his youngest daughters voice, relief
at being rescued from Kasumi's "dutiful obedience", turning to dismay as he
noted the heavy walking stick in her hand.

"Oh, my baby," tears gathered in his eyes. "You've hurt yourself again.
Kasumi," he turned back to his eldest, "go get her medicine. Nabiki, run
call the doctor----"
 
[Soun's tears uttered his dialogue for him? I'm amazed. Without the verb
"said" or some variation thereof, this is a very muddled paragraph.]

"I'm on it, pop," Nabiki was already heading for the phone, even before Soun
finished speaking, while Kasumi, her calm slightly ruffled, had opened the
refrigerator and was pulling out a plastic box containing an assortment of
bottles and small glass vials.
 
[Capitalize "Pop" and follow it with a period, or use the verb said and
leave the comma.]

"Would you cut that out," Tendou Akane interrupted with fond exasperation.
"Nabiki, put down the phone. Kasumi," she limped forward, taking the box
from her sisters hand and returning it to it's place, "finish the dishes.
I'll help." She grabbed an apron from the counter- top. "You wash, I'll
dry."
 
[Exra space between the period following "exasperation" and the double-quote
mark. Limping, no matter how much one limps, is not capable of uttering
dialogue. Use "its" in lieu of "it's". _Id est_;
 
"Would you cut that out?" Tendo Akane asked, interrupting Kasumi with fond
exasperation. "Nabiki, put down the phone! Kasumi," Akane limped forward,
"finish the dishes! I'll help." The youngest Tendo grabbed an apron from the
countertop then added, "You wash. I'll dry."]

"You shouldn't exert yourself when you're hurt."
 
[Who spoke? There are four characters in this scene.]

"I'm fine, daddy." She shrugged, "I just overextended a little on a spinning
high-kick. No big deal." She grinned, an expression that seemed to light the
whole room. "But I really blasted that concrete block. Wham---- boom!" she
pulled her hands apart sharply. "Nothing but dust."
 
[She lacks a proper antecedent in this paragraph. Shrugging, grinning and
pulling  one's hands apart do not utter dialouge.]

"I don't think it's safe for you to be doing such strenuous things," Soun
said worriedly. His spine firmed as he came to a sudden decision. "I forbid
you to use the doujou anymore!"

The temperature of the room dropped several degrees and Kasumi stepped back
nervously, while Nabiki swallowed a sudden lump in her throat.
 
[Personally, I'd be crawling into one of the lower cabinets and attempting
to hide behind the pots and pans.]

"I'm heir to the Musabetsu kakutou Tendou-ryuu," Akane said coldly, looking
at her father through narrowed eyes. "If you want to forbid me the doujou,
you have to defeat me."

Soun's shoulders slumped as his spine jellied. He _might_ be able to
out-point his daughter in technique, but she'd almost certainly insist on a
knock-out, and he couldn't bring himself to even try. *Assuming it's even
possible* a tiny voice whispered in the back of his mind.

Akane noted the look of misery on her father's face and her own attitude
softened almost instantly. "Daddy," she put an arm around his waist and
hugged him tightly. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you, but I can't give
up the art."

"I . . .I know baby," Soun hugged her back. "It's just that I worry about
you."
 
[Use a period after baby, or have Soun say something. Hugging does not
deliver dialogue.]

"Now," Akane stepped back, wiping his eyes with the edge of her gi, "what
was this about . . .marriage?"
 
[Again!]

***** ******

"I can't believe you did this," Ranma muttered, stalking ahead of his
father. "What were you _drinkin'_ anyway?"

"I didn't have a drop," Genma retorted, offended dignity in every line of
his corpulent frame. "except for a little warm sake. Strictly for medicinal
purposes," he hastened to add.  Those  few dozen cases of beer didn't count,
he thought. Beer wasn't really _drinking_.
 
[Capitalize "except", replace the period after "sake" with an em dash, and
replace the capital "S" in "Strictly" with the small letter "s". Another
alternative would be to re-structure the paragraph. Extra space between
"Those" and "few". We are now in Genma's POV.]

Swinging down the road, he easily matched his son's pace, puffing only a
tiny bit. He wasn't in prime shape by any means, but several weeks of
running for his life had burned most of the liqueur from his system and
added muscle to his middle-aged body.  "And you better be glad I did. . If
we're going to remedy your . . .errr . . . situation-----"

"Curse, pop. It's a _curse_. It ain't no goddamn 'situation'."
 
[Pop, capitalizes because it is here being used as a proper name.]

"Errr . . .yes. But in any event, to get back into Qinghai,  we're going to
need money, for . . .presents----"

 
[Extra space between "Qinghai and "we're". Looks to me like you are gonna
hafta give in and do what I did, go up to larger font while writing copy and
then go back down to ten point to ship it.]
 
"Bribes, ya mean."

"Please, son,"Genma affected a pained look. "You simply _must_ learn a
little tact."
 
[Affecting a pained look will not deliver a single line of dialogue. Use a
period after "son", or employ some variation of the verb "said."]

"Oh, like _you_ ever learned any." Ranma couldn't believe what his old man
had gotten him into. Even if it did actually sounded like a workable plan,
which was frightening in itself.  The idea that Saotome Genma could conceive
of _and_ execute any action more complicated than removing the cork from a
wine bottle went against the laws of nature. Pop was smart, Ranma knew, he
just lacked staying power.
 
[Sound rather than "sounded". This is an abrupt shift into Ranma's POV.]

"In any event," Genma continued, uneasily aware that his son's temperament,
uneven at the best of times, was balanced on a razor's edge since his . .
.accident, "this will give us a secure base of operations, food, shelter and
a nice bit of change to finance our return to China."
 
[Now shifted without warning back to Genma's POV.]

"I dunno pop, it just seems too easy, the way you say it."

"It's _not_ easy," Genma growled. "You're going to have to use a little
charm, m'boy," Genma warned. "none of your rough talk, be  polite ----"

[Capitalize "none", better yet, re-write this stuff. I would drop the
phrase, "Genma warned". You like to shorten things anyway.]
 
"Yeah, yeah. Don't be such a nag."

"Don't gulp your food----"

"Jeez pop, all I've got to do is sweet-talk some bitch an' get her to fork
over a little 'love token'." Ranma snorted derisively at the thought. "Then
you turn it into cash an' we split. It's not like we ain't . . .haven't done
this before." He looked over his shoulder at his father. " Besides, girls
love fixin' stuff," his lip curled at the thought, "learnin' me manners and
how to talk right an' stuff just makes 'em go all mushy."
 
[Snorting in and of itself will not deliver a line of dialogue. As written,
this is yet another shift in POV from Genma to that of Ranma.]

"Pay attention, boy,"Genma cuffed his son affectionately on the head, "it's
more involved this time. You've got to act your part for weeks, maybe
months. And it's not something small  like a ring or a broach or a yatai.
It's a house and a doujou." Ranma nodded, only half listening. "And _this_
time, you've got to marry the girl."
 
[Extra space between "small" and "like". A reverse badger game! Oh, my!
Maybe we could sweet talk James Garner into doing Genma's voice for us.]

***** *****

Soun put down the phone and dashed into the kitchen. "Akane! Where are your
sisters?"
 
[As written, the above line establishes the POV with Soun Tendo.]

"Hmmm . . .what did you say?" The youngest Tendou was measuring various
powders into a blender. The decimated remains of half a dozen fruits and
vegetables littered the table.

"Your sisters. Where are----" The Tendou patriarch finally noticed what his
daughter was doing and turned a sickly green colour. "Akane . . .baby . .
.what is that?"

"This?" she dumped a final measure of a blood-red powder into the blender,
cracked two eggs and dumped them, shell and all into the machine, then set
it to puree. "This is my new and _improved_  mega-anti-oxidant super-
protein fruity-fizzy."Soun winced as the abused machine clattered and
bounced across the table, occasionally spitting nasty mucilage-like bits
from under the lid. Happily ignoring the occasional splat of . . .something
. . .hitting the wall Akane counted down a full minute before she hit the
off button. With a sucking sound she pulled the lid free and poured a glass
full of  moss-brown, chunky gelatinous glop. It settled sullenly into the
glass, an occasional bubble rupturing the crust as dissolved gasses boiled
to the surface. "Do you want some?" She thrust the glass at her father, who
fought an urge to scream like a girl and run.
 
[Will you please be good enough to separate the action from the dialogue?
Please? This is an unreadable mess. Extra space between "of" and
"moss-brown". You also have two shifts in POV jammed into a single
paragraph. You jump into Akane's POV by having her counting a full minute,
then jump back into Soun's POV with his reaction to Akane's offer. All of
this is very, very funny stuff, but it is almost impossible to follow as
written.]

"No . . .no thank you." He wiped his brow as Akane shrugged and removed the
offending glass. If he _ever_ found the inhuman monster who had taught his
daughter about "health food", he'd skin them alive and roll them in salt.
 
[Avoid the use of contractions in narrative.]

"More for me, I guess," Akane took a healthy swig and Soun felt his stomach
turn over.

"Y . . .your sisters. Do you know where they are?" Soun asked weakly,
watching with disbelief as the level in the glass rapidly dropped.

"Ahhh . . ." Akane wiped her mouth daintily and swivelled to look at the
wall clock. "Kasumi should be on her way home from yobiko and Nabiki . . ."
she chewed her lip in thought. "It's Tuesday?" Her father nodded. "Then I
_think_ she's negotiating space for the pachinko machine she just
refurbished."
 
[Action badly entangled with dialogue again, thus throwing mud in the
reader's eye.]

Soun frowned at that. "I'm not sure I like Nabiki associating with
gamblers."

"Mrs. Taniguchi's Tea Shop is hardly a gambling den, daddy." Akane finished
what remained in her glass with a gulp, then poured what was left in the
blender into her empty glass. "Nabiki says that tea drinking widows are the
back-bone of the industry. Their husbands are dead, children are grown, so
they spend a lot of time and Yen on pachinko and slots."

"Slots?"

"Slot machines daddy." She hurried on before Soun could start on a tirade.
"Nabiki knows what she's doing. And she makes a good living at it. In a
couple of years she'll probably own a couple of parlors outright, instead of
just leasing space for her machines." That was the wrong thing to say, as
Soun's face clouded over.

"I haven't been a very good father," Soun confessed, shoulders slumping. "My
little girl shouldn't have to work to support us."

"Nabiki enjoys it," Akane interjected. "She likes making money and cutting
deals. I think she likes the challenge more than she does the money."

"I should have been able to support you all . . ." Soun disagreed. "but I .
. ."

"It's hard for a small school like ours to compete, with the McDoujou's."
Akane defended, using the name she'd coined for the franchise martial arts
studios. "People go for the flashy name and easy belts. Nobody is dedicated
to the art anymore. A lot of it's my fault, anyway. If I'd only won the
All-Japan tournament, we'd have lots of students now." She ducked her head
in shame.

"Don't you _ever_ blame yourself," Soun put his hand under Akane's chin and
tilted her head up, shocked and saddened to see a suspicious glint in her
eyes.  He pretended not to notice. "You did a magnificent job----"

"But I lost, daddy," Akane said softly. "I lost. No one remembers the
losers, only the winners." She gripped his hand. "I promise I won't let you
down again."

"Oh, baby . . ."Soun said helplessly. "That's not what I meant----"

"I'm home!" Kasumi called from the front door. "And I brought take-out . .
." she stuck her head into the kitchen and paused as she felt the heavy
atmosphere. "I thought we'd have a treat tonight," she continued blithely,
deliberately ignoring the look on her fathers face, and the way Akane was
clenching her fists until the knuckles were white, "so I got dim-sum."

"Hey, where is everyone?" Nabiki called cheerily as she burst into the
house, only a few minutes behind her big- sister, "Something smells . .
.good." she faltered momentarily on entering the kitchen and seeing her
father's troubled face. Kasumi made a  brief gesture behind her back and
Nabiki went on breezily, holding up a package wrapped in newspaper. "Mrs.
Taniguchi got in new produce today, so I let her pay off her losses in
hamachi and ebi."She grinned. "The old lady just can't resist the sound of
those little steel balls."

[Extra space between "a" and "brief". There also appears to be an extra
space between "ebi" and the double-quote mark.]

"Oh, how wonderful," Kasumi took the package of yellow-tail and shrimp from
Nabiki. "Well have a real feast."

"You better plan on two more," Soun said, giving Akane's shoulder a squeeze.
"My old friend Genma called, he and his son should be here in about an
hour."

"How . . .how . . .nice," Kasumi said brightly. "It will be good for you to
have your friend drop by for a few hours."

Soun opened his mouth to correct her, then stopped. Maybe it would be better
to wait and see . . .Yes. Better to wait . . .
 
[Scene nicely done aside from the single lapse in POV and the unholy jumble
of dialogue with action.]

************************************************

Chapter: 2 Xiao li cang dao (Conceal a dagger in a smile)


"Ahhh . . .Ranma m'boy," Genma panted a little as he was dragged in his
son's wake, "don't you think we should slow down a little?"

"I don' like th' look of th' sky." he jerked a thumb in the direction of
some heavy low-hanging grey clouds. "I wanna get under cover."
 
[Which "he"? There are two male characters in the scene.]

"Well then," Genma huffed, "why don't we repair to a shelter closer to
hand." He pointed his free hand toward a row of small shops lining the
street.
 
[Huffing does not pass muster as a substitute for the verb said.]

Ranma glanced in that direction and repressed a sigh as he spied a brew-pub
and wondered again at his father's almost mystical ability to find ji-biru
or ji-sake in the middle of a wasteland. Genma had  once located a
half-liter of fermented mares-milk in the possession of a goat-herd, in the
middle of a snow-storm, half-way between hell and nowhere as they were
slogging through Kazakstan, looking for the Hidden-Masters of the
Swallow-fights-Tiger style.
 
[Extra space between "had" and "once".]

"We ain't stoppin' 'til we reach th' Tendou's." Ranma groused, tightening
his grip on his father's arm.  The bar scene affected Genma like chumming
for sharks, except a shark had better table manners.

[Replace the period after "Tendou's with an exclamation mark, or a comma.
Your choice, but do one or the other.]
***** ******


Kasumi tried to repress a guilty little tingle of pleasure. When father's
old friend and son had shown up out of nowhere, she had been prepared to be
polite, nothing more. Despite her father's apparent hopes, she really
preferred _older_ men. But Ranma was so _yummy_ looking . . .
 
[Scene established from Kasumi's POV at the very beginning.]

"Please, Ranma-san . . .have another shrimp," Kasumi deftly took a
particularly succulent specimen between her chopsticks and offered it to the
young martial artist sitting on her right.

"Oh, no I couldn', Kasumi-sama." Ranma replied, smiling.

Kasumi turned a delicate pink under the force of Ranma's devastating smile.
"You don't have to be so formal, Ranma-san. And the shrimp is really very
good; please take some."

"Then, you gotta'  call me Ranma . . .Kasumi-chan," the young martial artist
turned his smile up a notch with practiced ease, noting how Kasumi's colour
deepened.
 
[Extra space between "gotta'" and "call".]

"Have some of this steamed-custard," Nabiki offered, a little breathlessly.
She'd never _seen_ such a gorgeous boy in her life. And his careless speech
and style of dress, so different from all the Fuurinkan _boys_, gave him a
slightly dangerous edge that she found a little exciting.
 
[Shifting now to Nabiki's POV.]

"I _really_ couldn' eat anymore," Ranma protested with a grin. "Or, at least
I shouldn'."

"Ah, Tendou my old friend," Genma sighed from his place beside the Saotome
patriarch, "you are indeed a lucky man to have two such lovely and
accomplished daughters."

"Ummm . . . I have _three_ lovely and accomplished daughters," Soun
corrected.

"What . . ." Genma was on top of the world. Good food, old friends . . .he
took a deep, refreshing draft, from his mug . . .cold sake . . . He ignored
the angry looks Ranma was shooting him, when no-one else could see.  The
unnatural boy had missed a couple of bottles from his emergency stash and
Genma was enjoying the moment while he could.
 
[Now we are shifted to Genma's POV.]

" . . .oh, yes, of course. Three daughters." He dismissed the shadow sitting
behind Soun, *like a retainer in a samurai movie*, came the unbidden
thought, and  held out his bottle to his old friend. "But this is a
celebration. The uniting of our two schools. Drink with me!"
 
[Good line. Almost good enough to re-write this scene from Genma's POV just
to keep this line and have the POV errors fixed. Genma could easily explain
what is going through Nabiki and Kasumi's minds, given that this version of
him is an accomplished con artist.]

The atmosphere in the room changed abruptly, becoming brittle as glass.

"Oh . . .I don't think Father wants any," Kasumi offered softly.

"Yeah," Nabiki half rose from where she was sitting, "it doesn't agree with
him."

Ranma cursed softly to himself. Things had been going pretty good up to now.
This really _was_ a plush layout, with lots of cash potential and he had the
two girls eating out of his hand. A few weeks, that was all it would take,
and then they could take the money and run for China. Although Australia
would be better for Genma. He didn't _think_ the old man had any outstanding
warrants there, and he could catch up after he took care of his problem.
Just a few weeks, and the old-man was about to blow it, because he couldn't
stay away from the booze.
 
[Shift from Genma's POV to Ranma's.]

"Nonsense," Genma disagreed heartily. "Sake is the water of life. It fires
the blood, quicken's the eye, makes glad a sad heart----" he grabbed Soun's
cup and tossed the tea over his shoulder into the yard. "It honors the
spirits," he  poured a generous splash into the now empty container. "you
wouldn't want to anger the spirits!" he laughed, a little too loudly, at his
own joke.
 
[Extra space between "he" and "poured". The pronoun "you" following " the
word "container" should be capitalized, given that you placed a period after
the word "container".  The comma after "loudly" is superfluous. Why
"spirits"? You afraid of the kami? Just remember to say "Yes!" if ever asked
if you are one. Personally, I would like to see a little better separation
between the dialogue and action here. _Id est_;
 
"Nonsense!" Genma shouted in hearty disagreement. "Sake is the water of
life! It fires the blood, quickens the eye, makes glad a saddened heart!
With that, he seized Soun's cup and tossed the tea over his shoulder into
the yard. "It honors the spirits," Genma said as he poured a generous splash
into the now empty cup. "You wouldn't want to anger the spirits!" Genma said
as he laughed a little too loudly at his own joke.]
 
"Father," Kasumi said softly, "You don't really want any, do you?"

"No . . .no of course not," Soun replied, looking longingly at the proffered
cup.

"Friend Tendou!" Genma said over-loudly, "Friend Tendou! Surely you are not
going to let the women of you house dictate to you." He shot Kasumi a
venomous look that caused her to recoil slightly.
 
[Period after "louldly".]

"Now then," Genma relaxed slightly, satisfied that he'd put the girl in her
proper place. "let's honor the spirits and toast the joining of our houses."
He took a generous pull from his bottle, not wanting to take any chances
with the spirit world himself. "With Ranma's talent and your doujou, the
Musabetsu kakutou Saotome-ryuu will be world famous in no time." He thrust
the cup of sake at Soun.
 
[Capitalize "let's" or replace the period after "place" with a comma.
Personally, I'd vote for the latter.]

"It's my doujou." a quiet voice interjected from the corner, opposite and
slightly behind Soun.

"What?" Genma's hand, holding the cup of sake, froze inches from Soun's
mouth.

"It's my doujou," Akane repeated, dipping a slice of yellow- tail into a
bowl of sauce and popping it into her mouth. Immediately her eyes teared and
her whole body broke out in a sweat. Picking up a small bottle she dumped
another three ounces of Habanero concentrate into the sauce, bringing the
Scoville rating to six million units, or about three times that of police
pepper spray.  With a small moue of pleasure she reached for another piece
of fish.
 
[Extra space between "spray." and "With".]

"What do you mean, 'your doujou'!" Genma's voice cracked and he stared at
the girl who had been almost invisible throughout the dinner. "Tendou, what
does she mean?"

"Ummm . . .well, Akane is the heir to the Musabetsu kakutou Tendou-ryuu,"
Soun explained, "and it only made sense to give her the doujou."

"But . . ." the cup fell from Genma's suddenly slack hand and rolled across
the table. "But . . ." he shook himself, brain working furiously, then
smiled broadly. "But that's wonderful. You will make a fine wife for my
Ranma. And he will make the Musabetsu kakutou Sao . . .errr . . .
Tendou-ryuu the greatest in Japan."

"How?" Akane examined a piece of yellow-tail before selecting it for
dipping.

"How?" Genma parroted. "What do you mean, how?"

"How will Ranma make the Musabetsu kakutou Sao . . .Tendou-ryuu," Akane
carefully copied Genma's slip, "the greatest in Japan?" She popped the fish
between her lips, shuddering from the endorphin kick as a ball of fire
exploded in her mouth.

"Why . . .why through hard work and diligence. With his expert instruction
and the supremacy of his . . .errrr . . . our combined ryuu's techniques, it
is inevitable that our . . . ummm . . . _this_ doujou will become the
greatest in Japan. Perhaps in the world!" He smiled benignly at the small
girl.

"When I win the All Japan Tournament, the doujou will have all the students
we need," Akane countered, taking a small sip of tea, her other hand fisted
against her side, out of site from the others. Ranma, however, noticed the
slight quivering of the muscles in her arm . . .
 
["Sight" rather than "site". Shift in POV from Genma to Ranma. Better to
have Ranma interrupt Genma's floundering, then have him explain to the Elder
Saotome in a later scene, rather than make this untoward and reader
disorienting shift in POV. Your other option is to re-write the entire thing
as a screenplay, but even then audiences can be confused by shifts in POV
during a single scene.]

*Dammit pop, let it slide.*

But Genma's higher faculties were awash in sake and he didn't notice the
warning signs from Akane, nor hear Ranma's silent plea.

"Win the All Japan Tournament?" Genma chuckled at the thought. "That's so
cute, Tendou." he slapped his old friend on the back. "Win th' All Jap-an
Tournament."
 
[Comma or exclamation mark after "Tendou". If you use a comma, you may leave
the subsequent pronoun "he" as it is, but then you should employ a variant
of the verb "said." If you use the exclamation mark, it is likely that no
one will notice the error.]

"What's so funny about that." Akane delivered in a flat monotone.
 
[Arrgh! 
 
"What's so funny about that?" Akane asked, delivering her question in a flat
monotone. Or, alternatively, "What's so funny about that?" Akane asked in a
flat monotone.]

"Heh," Genma reached over and patted her avuncularly on the shoulder, his
hot, alcohol saturated breath making her nose wrinkle in disgust. "you don't
need to fill your pretty little head with pretend games. My Ranma will make
sure you're taken care of."
 
[ Word choked on "avuncularly" but I agree with your usage. So what if it is
a bit British in flavor? Gates be damned! Full speed ahead! Change in POV
from Genma to that of a third party, possibly that of Akane's, but the
matter is unclear. I suggest adding a bit to this paragraph and giving this
wonderful action the better description it deserves. Parsimony with words
will backfire on occasion and this is one such.]

"Pretend?"

A single word, so cold and hard Ranma was surprised  it didn't draw blood.
But the  old man was a little thick when he'd been drinking. It was about
time he tried to shut  pop up. The only problem, when Genma was drinking,
the only sure way to close his mouth was with a club. Not the best way to
make a good impression on his future bride, whoever she might be.
 
[Extra space between "surprised" and "it". Extra space between "the" and
"old". Extra space between "shut" and "pop", which should be capitalized.
Illegal and disorienting shift in POV from that of an unknown to that of
Ranma.]

"Pretend," Genma returned a bit testily. Little girls should be seen and not
heard and preferably not seen either. "I've been a martial artist for longer
than you've been alive and a girl can't be a martial arts master." He gave
her cane a pointed glance. "Especially not a cripple."

[I'm not sure. Is Genma thinking the line "Little girls..." or is he
speaking it aloud? If he is thinking, you have again shifted us from Ranma's
POV to that of Genma and in a very confusing way, thus making matters worth
and thereby sapping the strength from this wonderfully conceived scene. Your
imagination has done a great job, but your lack of control over POV is
destroying your efforts.]
 
"Cripple?" Akane jabbed her chopsticks into her bowl with such force the
ceramic cracked.
 
[Shockingly rude thing to do in Japan at the outset, let alone doing so with
enough force to crack a rice bowl, given that breaking a rice bowl fouls
one's karma. Everyone else in the room should now be wincing while gaping in
horror, even Ranma and Genma.]

Kasumi paled a little at the sight of the slender pieces of wood, quivering
upright. Something she'd seen only once before, after her mother's funeral.
 
[Shift in POV from that of Genma to that of Kasumi, only to relate what
appears to be a minor bit of backstory.]

Genma was drunk enough to get angry and angry enough to do something stupid.
Furious at the deliberate insult he lunged to his feet, Ranma only a
fraction of a second behind him. If he stopped Genma now, he could blame it
on the drink and perhaps salvage something of their plan. Then he got a good
look at Akane's face and wondered if he wasn't saving more than just Genma's
plan.
 
[Shift from Kasumi's POV to that of Ranma's.]

Soun, not having a table in the way, moved even faster than Ranma, stopping
Genma with a deceptively gentle looking hand to his chest.  Genma ooffed,
and sat down suddenly.
 
["ooffed" should be in double quotes--I think.]

"Genma, my old friend," Soun said mildly,  "I'm certain Akane is sorry for
any accidental insult." Soun placed his other hand on Akane's leg, feeling
the steel hard muscles relax slightly under his touch.
 
[Shift in POV from Ranma to Soun. I suggest you consider using "inadvertent"
in lieu of "accidental". Soun's diction is pretty good as a rule.]

Nabiki, watching her baby sister's face, was certain Akane was only sorry
she broken a bowl and not Genma's head.
 
[Shift in POV from Soun to Nabiki to do a job that could have been done
easily with less confusion to the reader by other means.]

"And I'm sure my father is sorry that he let the sake speak for him," Ranma
offered, knowing that too much drink was an acceptable excuse for otherwise
inexcusable behavior. Genma sobered suddenly as Ranma speared him with a
cold look.
 
[Shift in POV from Nabiki to Ranma.]

"Yes . . .yes of course." Genma stuttered, rubbing the back of his head
nervously. "I only meant . . ." he trailed off, wondering what he could say
that wouldn't make things worse. "Ummmm . . .I only meant that . . .uhhhh .
. .we have an agreement, old friend," he fell back on his original argument.
"I've worked and sacrificed for ten years, dedicating every waking hour to
make Ranma the best martial artist in the world . . ."
 
[Shift in POV from Ranma to that of Genma.]

Ranma resisted an urge to smack the old fraud. _He'd_ worked and sacrificed?
He'd worked and sacrificed _Ranma_ for ten years, he meant.
 
[Shift in POV from Genma back to Ranma.]

" . . .sacrificing my health and comfort. All with the knowledge that I was
working toward uniting our two schools," Genma put all that remained of what
once had been a formidable personal charisma into his voice. "I . . .I have
been too long on the road, away from the civilizing influence of the fairer
sex," he smiled at Kasumi and was gratified to see a softening in her eyes,
and those of Nabiki as well. "The thought that it is all in vain, that our
great family arts that have survived through the centuries might, at last
die out . . .it is almost too much to endure." He let his shoulders slump
artistically and was gratified to hear a gasp of alarm from each of the two
Tendou girls. Even better, Soun put an arm around his shoulders to support
him.
 
[Shift in POV from Ranma back to Genma.]

"I suppose that I am old and foolish," Genma's voice was low, almost a
whisper. The tone of a man who has given his all to achieve some noble goal
and has nothing left to give. "and have outlived my time." He drew himself
up, a tired old warrior who was beaten, but not defeated. "Ranma and I will
leave in the morning," He smiled, a heart wrenching smile. "on another
training journey. There is still much for us to learn."

*Damn* Ranma thought admiringly. *the old fart still has it.* He didn't know
why he was so surprised. He'd seen Genma cuckold a Hong Kong banker while
talking him out of the contents of his safe, and not only get the banker to
carry the loot to the train station, but apologize that his wife wasn't
younger!
 
[Shift in POV from Genma back to Ranma]

The difficulty was, Genma would usually get greedy, lazy, drunk or all
three, before they made a score. In which care they ran  like hell, a
half-step ahead of a date with hot- tar and goose-feathers.
 
[Use "case" rather than "care". Extra space between "ran" and "like".]

"There will be no talk of leaving, old friend." Soun was on the verge of
tears. "The agreement between us _will_ be honored. Akane," he gestured at
his daughter, "will marry Ranma and unite the ryuu."

"DADDY!" Akane looked at her father, eyes filled with betrayal.
 
["eyes filled with betrayal" doesn't work. Another case of parsimony
defeating its intended purpose.]

"Akane . . ."Soun spoke firmly to his youngest. "this is more than an old
agreement. I want to know that you will be taken care of if anything happens
to me."
 
[Comma after "Akane" rather than the ellipsis. Comma after "youngest"
instead of the period.]

"Nothing is going to happen to you," Akane retorted. "and that's no excuse
for wanting me to marry _him_!" The last was spoken in tones of loathing
usually reserved for finding half-of-something multi-legged and fuzzy in the
middle of a rice-ball.
 
[Comma after "retorted" or capitalize the conjunction "and". Such
capitalization is permissible in dialogue.]

"Hey!" Ranma wasn't real pleased with this sudden turn of events himself.
Kasumi was a real sweetheart and Nabiki had  possibilities. But as for _her_
. . .he'd rather eat worms creamed on toast. Looking at Akane's face screwed
up in anger, the worms were looking downright appetizing. Long years on the
road, having to deal with Genma's mistakes, clean up after him and act the
peacemaker, enabled him to control his tongue. Barely.
 
[Extra space between "had" and "possibilities".  I would use "_this one_,
instead of _her_, given the number of "hers" present. Replace the comma
between _her_ and "he'd" with a comma. Avoid the use of contractions in
dialogue.]

"I hope I am around for many years to come," Soun was trying to convince
Akane, "but life is uncertain." His face clouded over as he recalled his
wife, dead for nearly a decade. Akane saw the change, but resisted her
impulse to comfort him. Right now she needed her anger to give her strength
to fight. Sometimes it seemed all she had left was anger. And shame.
 
[Double shift in POV. First from Ranma to Soun, then from Soun to Akane.
Replace the period after the second use of "anger" with an em dash, strip
the capital "A" out of the following conjunction "and".]

" Kasumi is going to go to medical school," Soun nodded at his eldest, "and
Nabiki is planing to buy Honshu and turn it into a pachinko parlor," Nabiki
just grinned at that, "but if something happens to me, where will you go?
What will you do?"
 
[Use "planning" instead of "planing". I seriously doubt that Nab's would
know how to set up a plane, let alone use one to square a board.]

"I'll run the doujou ----" Akane began.

"The death duties will take everything. It  will all have to be sold, just
to pay the tax." Soun stressed. "But if you marry Ranma, the law allows me
to _give_ the house, doujou and grounds as a wedding gift. Then I'll know
your future is secure."
 
[Extra space between "It" and "will".]

Akane closed her mouth with a snap. She'd known about the death duties, in a
vague sort of way, but the thought of her father's death; her mind shied
from the thought like a frightened horse.  But the doujou was _hers_. The
ryuu was _hers_!  She'd dedicated her life to a single goal . . . mastering
the Musabetsu kakutou. If she didn't have that, she didn't have anything.
 
[I at first thought this was yet another change in POV, but it still belongs
to Akane. Sorry about that. You've moved me around so much I can't remember
who's head is carrying me around.]

"I can't marry some stranger." She objected as her mind started working
again.

"He won't be a stranger after a while." Soun tried to pint out reasonably.
 
["Point" rather than "pint".]

"I'm too young." she tried again.

"Nonsense," Soun said, shuddering inside at the thought of his baby, _any_
of his babies, with a . . .a man. "You are both at the perfect age. You
haven't gotten set in your ways yet".
 
[Shift in POV from Akane to Soun.]

"I won't marry a man who can't defeat me." She countered, with absolute
conviction.

"What!" From Genma and Ranma, almost in stereo.

"That was just a sort of joke," Soun objected, recalling his daughters
defiant pronouncement before the near disaster that had almost---- "You
can't really mean it."
 
[daughter's]

"Oh yes I did----do! I _do_ mean it." Akane spat. "I'm a martial artist. If
I'm going to marry someone in order to save the Musabetsu kakutou
Tendou-ryuu, he's got to be better than I am, otherwise why bother?"
 
[Exclamation mark after "am", capitalize "otherwise".]

Soun wanted to argue, but her reasoning was good. More to the point he knew
his daughter. If she wasn't as stubborn as a block of granite, it was only
because granite had _some_ flexibility.  But he could see from the look in
her eye that if he pushed on this issue, he might as well set fire to the
doujou. Besides, she loved the art more than anything else. If she and Ranma
could find a common ground here, it would be a good foundation to build a
life together.

"I agree," Soun got to his feet. Kasumi and Nabiki looked as if someone had
dropped the Tokyo Dome on them, while Genma and Ranma looked only slightly
less stunned. "Let us go to the doujou, where Ranma," he gave the young
martial artist a narrow look, "will fight my daughter for the privilege of
marrying her."
 




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