Hi!
Thanks for your feedback - it's muchly appreciated!

I don't see much C&C for this.

Are you kidding? =)
You've given me lots to think about!

I rather especially liked the Ranma/Dragon 
Half angle, 

Alas, I kinda borrowed that from a distcontinued fic... =)
But I like it too (or else I wouldn't have used it)

*****Grammar Flaws

I don't see too terribly much in the way of grammatical errors, with the 
notable exception of one major one:  the use of single periods in place of 
ellipses.

Ahh, so thats what they're called =)

 I get the feeling, though, that this might be a flaw in your 
text editor or word wrapper; you might want to check those out.

Yeah, I noticed this last night. It's cos Word was set to convert '...' into a special non ascii character, which gets converted to '.' when I save as 'MS-DOS format'.
I've fixed that now (and made Word do all the hard work, too =), though I'll have to reconvert to ASCII (which is a pain, cos I word wrap by hand)=

 Aside from 
that, there's a couple lost commas and such which I'm too tired now to go 
through line by line and find.  Gomen.  ^_^;;

No problem, I think I picked up most of them last night.
Just wish I'd thought to pre read it properly, before posting, but I keep having to go back every other sentance to tell Word's grammar and spell checker to Effoff, so when I'm done, I feel like I've already pre read it...

*****Story Flaws  (Note that these are only my perceptions of and opinions 
on the story and may or may not have anything to do with reality.)

(what does? =)

~~Tenchi and Pacing
You're focusing too much on the Tenchi side of things, at this point.  At a 
wild guess, this chapter is a 50/50 split between Ranma and Tenchi in terms 
of word quantity.  In terms of action, on the other hand, it's wildly 
biased towards the Ranma portion.  When it gets to the Tenchi parts, the 
whole thing drags to a screeching halt.

Hmm, yes, I was a bit concerned about the way I'd cut it, but I was conciously too concerned with what I should reveal straight away, and what should be flashbaky, and what not, to be able to have noticed that.
Plus hours or days tend to pass inbetween segments, so it's a little difficult to realise when the pace is off.

I'll reedit things, and see if I cant fix it. I think it started this way because I didn't want to concentrate on one line for too long, or for it to drag on too much, so I mixed and matched. I had my doubts, though mostly due to time dilation problems.

~~Excessive Akane Abuse
Akane-as-ragebucket was slightly overdone.  Akane-as-punchingbag was _way_ 
overdone. 

noted =)
Actually, I was quite suprised whe I wrote that bit, cos I wasn't really expecting it in my 'Plan Of Things To Come'
I'll try and tone things down a bit, and maybe drag out the Akane-as-ragebucket bit, but without any extra rage, iyswim...

one problem I realised last night, though, which may relate to this scene, is Tofu's phone call, which would occur /before/ Ranma leaves... but somehow doesn't. If it did, then Ranma might be even more out of it...
That whole bit is a bit confused, so I'll have to rethink it a little, after I reorder the Tenchi/Ranma divisions.

~~Tofu, Cologne, and Secret Societies
Anytime someone needs a member of a secret society in Nerima, they 
invariably trot out either Tofu or Cologne...or both.  Apparently, any 
affiliation with the occult comes with an automatic membership in every 
esoteric secret society known to man.

Well, my reasoning went something along the lines of:
Tofu - probably been about a bit, on some sort of martial/medical training voyage ( a bit like Ranma's), so he may have come into contact with people like Giles, and the Watcher's council, but without actually being inducted into them.
Ok, I know, it's a little weak, but it's not an important part of the story (I hope =)

As for Cologne, I was thinking that the Amazons, or the Joketsuzoku in particular, are descended directly from the original slayer... or something like that; I'm still working out the details. Chances are that they're unaware of (or highly distanced from) the council - maybe even enemies.

...
some such.  This dumps him in his practice in Nerima at the age of 24, 
right around Kasumi's early/mid teens.  Between establishing a practice by 
himself

As above, I'm thinking that the doc has a somewhat unorthodox educational history. Maybe he's not even a liscenced mediacl practitioner, and is in some sort of 'uncomfortable but stable' relationship with the police, and maybe the Yakuza?

(does he even have a receptionist?),

He does in the first volume, but she goes missing (hence shampoo and Genma working there) - she looked rather old, so maybe she just got a little past it?

Ranma storyline starts.  Now, anytime after Tofu vanishes from Ranma manga 

He what? I never noticed...

canon (or Falls Down An Open Sewer And Dies) is certainly fair game for 
secret society initiations, indoctrinations, parties, and whathaveyou, 

though this story obviously occurs well before this part of Ranma canon.

actually, it's supposed to be after the end of the manga (I'm ignore the anime completely for the moment, as I've not seen enough of it, and what I did see seemed slightly sillyer)

time doesn't really pass in the fullest sense, in the manga (by volume twenty, at least two years have passed, so Nabiki should have graduated by this time... but she hasnt), so I've assumed that the manga finale occurs sufficiently before graduation for some changes to occur (like Akane getting madder - perhaps she found out about P-Chan and went full on mad, or blames Ranma and wont forgive him?)

magical artifacts and knowledge they do have.  As she is, I don't think 
Cologne would accept any secret society head honcho as an equal -- she just 
doesn't have enough respect for anything non-Joketsu to do that.  At 

What I said before...


Overall, though, I think I'm going to have to change things quite a bit. Maybe making ranma being the slayer a /really/ bad thing as far as Cologne is concerned (maybe and Slayer not of Joketsuzoku origin must be killed, so that someone in the tribe will inherit the mantle? Even though they may be sorely misguided...)

In the meantime, how about some variety in the secret society affiliates of 
the Ranmaverse?  How about the ladle-lady, who keeps splashing Ranma 
because he positively glows with Slayer potential to her 
watery-but-experienced eyes?  How about Gosenkugi, the slightly-dishonest 
and more-than-slightly-incompetent 
junior-assistant-cadet-trainee-janitor?  What about the Kunos, who, while 
they may be a bunch of fuckin' loons, are quite possibly the most brilliant 
family of prophets seen in a millennium?  It doesn't necessarily take 
competence to phone in a potential Slayer to your superior, and there's an 
endless supply of potential incompetent lackeys in Nerima.

Heh heh, I like these. I'll put some thought into providing an interesting twist like this. Though really, I was pretty much going to drop the original casts of TM and R1/2 (apart from some side stories) once Tenchi and Ranma get into the US, which is where the main story will take place.

I hope =)

~~Nerima Wrecking Crew and Destructive Tendencies
200,000,000 yen in damage, front page news coverage, and the JSDF wasn't 
called?  Suspension of disbelief fails violently right there in the first 
paragraph.  Not good.

200,000,000 yen translates to about �1,000,000. Given the price of land in Tokyo and ,though I'm not sure what house prices are like, I expect they're somewhat similar to biggish houses in expensive areas (ie arouns 250,000), all it would take would be a bigger than normal Hiryu Shoten Ha to level four or five houses and BINGO! there's yer 200,000,000 yen (approx, and boosted by tabloid insensibilities)

 Even in the Ranmaverse, I have a hard time believing 
that damage and publicity like that wouldn't cause a mass influx of people 
with crewcuts in camouflaged trucks with roof-mount high-caliber automatic 
weaponry.

Ooh, a big, unexpected tornado, which rumor tell us some kid made. What do we do? Shoot guns at it, of course!

Ok, maybe 200MY is a bit much, but I think that the bizzare nature of the causes of the damage would have the 'People In Charge' scoffing at the idea that a bunch of kids are cuasing all this damage, and so put it down to something even more bizzare (but compliant with their world view) like freak weather.
Maybe if Ryoga did un ultra powerful mega-super-ott-makesnukeslooklikepartypoppers shi shi hokodan, and destroyed an entire block, then the army would roll in to deal with the aftermath. Then they'd be out looking for terrorists, and no doubt some bomber-wannabes will take the credit.


Anyhow, I'll revise the paper story, and try and calm it down a little.

Geh.  This is all I can come up with right now.
I rather like this so far, even though I don't really know where it's going.

Indeed, I've only given the barest of hints as to where I'm trying to go with this.
And I'm gonna keep it that way, until you least expect it! Mya ha ha haa!!!

*ahem*

I just hope I don't screw it up, or disapoint people.

Need sleep...

"Sleep is for the weak, boy. You sound like a girl!"
or something...

Thanks again for yer input,

ta ra,
-Alex Timiney


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