Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 201, reel 1:
"Infertia's Son"
(A nominal Ranma 1/2 - Ah, My Goddess - El Hazard crossover)
MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison
==
Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property
of and (c) 2001 by Best Brains, Inc. Ranma 1/2 is the property of
Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan and Viz.
"Infertia's Son" is the property of Rei Inverse and used with
permission. This is intended as a parody, hopefully not to be taken
offensively. Hopefully, enough C&C shall be gleaned from these riffs
to actually make this a worthwhile product.
All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their
respective owners and creators.
==
---Satellite of Love
"Greetings, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love," Mike began.
"See? And that's all he contributes. Heck, that's all ANYONE
contributes on this satellite!" Tom Servo stated. Floating to the
right-hand side of Mike Nelson, the small robot was visibly raising
his ire. "Folks, our production is HORRIBLE around here! We need
to identify our throughput, cost, and inventory! Where are our
bottlenecks?!"
"Calm down, Tommy," Crow T. Robot piped from the side. "Even though,
it always seems that WE are doing loadpans around here. And heck,
when it comes to fanfic we process the lot of it!"
Joel chuckled as Tom continued. "Folks, we come to a crossroads.
Either we'll be drummed out, outproduced and outprofited by another
satellite... or we can do something about this NOW!" Tom Servo started
pacing the table as he expounded. "Will we be lazy and indolent, fresh
for a takeover?!"
Mike, Joel, and Crow all chorused, "NO!"
"Will we allow the Mads to outsource us because we're not willing
to go for quality?!"
"NO!"
"And shall we DO SOMETHING about it?!"
"YES!" all three chimed.
"Great! We're all in agreement! It's been decided, we'll award a
prize... say, $500 of Mike's money... for production increases! More
riffs! More loadpans! More comedy! MORE FICS!!"
"Waaaaait up, Servo. More fics? And $500 of MY money?" Mike
inquired.
"Well, it seemed the natural thing to do..." Tom lamely offered.
Just then, Gypsy came up on the bridge. "Oh, so it's production you
guys want?" she asked. "Watch this then... instead of $500 of Mike's,
Tom, we'll put your underwear collection up for grabs!"
Tom looked aghast. "You... you wouldn't!"
Gypsy looked towards Mike and flashed her eye-flashlight. Mike
smiled. "We will, Servo. And as a matter of fact, I do believe that I
am now leading in production; as we speak, I am providing the
Satellite's flora with much-needed carbon dioxide..."
In an instant, Tom Servo sprang from the desk. "I'll be in the
loadpan if you guys need me! For the next couple hours!!"
"Worked like a charm!" Gypsy stated.
Joel laughed. "It certainly did, Gyps." The red light started
flashing on the desktop. "Already? What's up, Arthur and Andersen?"
---Deep Thirteen
Dr. Forrester looked up from a clipboard into the camera. "Hello!
You four will witness something brand-new in both medical science
and advertising! I hope you are suitably in awe..."
"Aww." was the response through the speakers.
"Scoff if you must, backliners," Dr. F offered, "but my breakthrough
will put me on the map as the most diabolical of all!" Dr. F took
a deep breath and pulled a small contact case from his green lab coat
right pocket. "THIS!"
"Contacts? I don't get it," Joel complained.
"Not just any contacts," Dr. F explained. "These are LOGOTACTS."
Dr. F opened the case and took off his green plastic-rimmed contacts.
First one eye was worked on, and then the other; when he refaced the
camera, he blinked twice. His right eye had a blue Nike swoosh, while
his left eye had a brown-and-white Starbucks logo.
"Pretty nifty, huh guys? Now companies can paste their logos all
over the place while making the world that much more soulless! And
imagine the kind of product reaction when Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt
wears a pair of THESE in a movie! Man, there'll be so many screaming
women slathering over piles of shoes and other consumer goods..." Dr.
Forrester took a couple seconds to clear his eyes of tears.
Mike shook his head. "How horrible. It's not like company logos
are all over the place already?"
"By the way, Dr. F, where's Frank?" Crow inquired.
"Here I am!" came a voice from the back of Deep Thirteen. Frank
was dressed in an American football helmet, pads, and silver pants.
"I made up my own invention to share with the SOL, Dr. F! We're
targeting women, right?"
Dr. F looked bemused. "I suppose you could say we are, Frank. What
do you have in mind?"
"Well, I know that most women watch American football not for the
love of the game, but the love of the football shorts! And taking your
invention one more logical step..." Frank turned his back to the
camera and bent over. Tightly stretched across his butt was an
advertisement for Clairol Herbal Essences, showing the bottle and the
words "Oooh!" and "Ahh!" written all around it.
Tom flashed through the Satellite's bridge area. "I need to clean my
room, quickly!" He lingered long enough to get a look at the monitor
where Deep Thirteen's feed was broadcast... "EEEEWWW! Blech! Turn
it off, turn it off!!" he complained as Mike, Joel, and Crow stood
speechless.
"Never have I had any desire to be blind more than now," Dr. F
shuddered. "Your invention, boobies?"
Mike hustled offscreen as Joel started the pitch. "While you have
worked on ways to make advertisements more... 'accessible' to the
normal human, we have worked on ways for them not to waste our time!"
Joel intoned. "We've all come to the conclusion that many commercials
are long, boring, and pointless and oftentimes they annoy their
intended targets! So we've invented..."
"The Commercial Avenger!" Mike crowed as he brought in a small box
and portable television. "Just watch, sirs..."
A Campbell's Soup commercial started running. In it, an exceedingly
annoying little boy is talking...
Kid in question: Show mom you're not such a DOOFUS in the kitchen!
Dad: ...............check.
Joel looked at the television screen in disgust. "Stupid kid. Now,
all you have to do is click the clicker, wait a few seconds, and the
device on the television will automatically create a scenario where the
child in question has the tables turned on him. Just watch!"
Kid in question: Show mom you're not such a DOOFUS in the kitchen!
Dad: Heh... that's funny... and speaking of funny... did I ever mention
you were adopted?
Kid in question: W-What?!?
Dad: Yep, I'm not your real dad. Actually I killed him. Decapation.
Took a few whacks to get it completely severed though... say, after
dinner, you wanna see his head? I keep it in the attic....
Kid in question: MOMMMMMMMMMY!!! (runs away crying)
Dad: (smiles at the camera and winks at you)
Crow looked at Cambot and continued. "Needless to say, you'll never
have to put up with lame nonsense like 'It's Patrick! He took out life
insurance!' or Tetley Tea's Aunt Welly and her lesbian love... er, I
mean, *mysterious brown-haired companion*.... And it'll help the
advertisers too, since you'll finally have a reason to watch
commericals instead of fast-forwarding or hitting the can. Whaddaya
think, sirs?
Dr. F chuckled. "That damn kid... oh, hey, I'm supposed to tell you
about your fanfic today! Our special feature is an author who wouldn't
mind selling Genma as chunky dog food and doesn't hesitate to let the
inserted character run rampant over the cast! It's a nominal crossover
with Ah, My Goddess and El Hazard, but you won't be seeing any of THAT
today. No no no, it's pure Ranma fun. 'Infertia's Son'. Suck on it.
Go get the fanfic, Frank."
Frank turned his back to the camera to look in the filing cabinet,
bending over to find the fic...
"GYAAAH!" the Satellite's occupants spat out... until the lights
started flashing crazily and the buzzers sounded their klaxons.
"FIC SIGN!" Mike yelled.
(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the
bottom)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you
inside)
(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the fourth
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. After that was Joel, and
Crow sat in the far right seat.)
*blink Blink* did i put the address in right? oh yay.. GOODY!!
Crow: [deep voice] Based on the best-selling coloring book from Herman
Munster....
Joel <Cookie Monster>: Oooh, cookies! Narrh narrh narrh...
Tom: [singing] Blinded by the light...
Cathrina doo good and get do this post.
Crow: This is what happens when one gets TOO much fiber in their diets.
Mike: Let this be a lesson to you Metamucil pushers out there.
Rei and Zack finnish the first chapter.
Crow: They finnished it all the way from Helsinki.
Mike <Rei and Zack>: Yeah, that's what this fic needs! More Ludvig
Borga!
Second chapter is also done and it's unfinished form it is posted at
http://www.MediaMiner.org
Joel <author>: The finnish form, however, shall remain locked in a
safe, privy to my eyes alone! MINE!
use the Searsh function to look for me. I'm under the name Rei
Inverse
Joel: Gendon's latest batch of clones showed a little bit of chromosome
degradation...
Mike: So instead he farmed 'em out to Dr. F to write for us.
the contract is also posted there.
Tom: Oh ho! Guys, we're subject to liabilities and torts now.
Mike: [bored tone] This contract void in Tennessee and Utah. No
purchase necessary. Contest rules subject to change. Lease expires
in April of 2004 or after twelve thousand miles.
...
...
...
Crow: [singing] I'll send an SSS to the world....
Tom: [singing] There's a la-dee who's sure/ All that glitters is gold.
And she's buy-oy-ing the la-ha-hahst three... li-yines.
Joel: And here I thought it was Jacob's ladder.
oh, and Enjoy!
Mike: ...the buffet, but remember, only two crabs to a customer, bucko.
_________________________________________________________________
Send and receive Hotmail on your mobile device: http://mobile.msn.com
Crow: And if you do, you can receive startling emails like...
Tom: The Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe!
Mike: Lost child alerts!
Crow: Forward this email for tons of cash from a faceless corporation!
Joel: Virus warnings!
Tom: Spams about diets including Hunza bread!
Crow: "I'm sick, could you give me money?" pleas!
Mike: Porno adverts!
Tom: Mortgage peddlers!
Joel: Your free credit report on demand!
Crow: And the all-important, "Your email box has gone over the limit
we've set on size."
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: ISchap1.txt
Crow: Plain text? Aww man, I was hoping for binary.
Joel: Ironically enough, I was too.
Disclaimer: YAY! Neko get to disclaimer.
Joel <Neko>: Meow meow, mew mew meow. Meow meow mew. Mew mew.
Crow: It's Baxter!
Ranma 1/2 belongs to Takahashi-Sama.
Tom: <author> BOW YOUR HEAD!
Crow: George Takahashi, Manhattan's Lower East side.
I don�t know who El Hazard of Ah My Goddess belong to, but Neko would
love it if you told her who they belonged to.
Tom: I never knew El Hazard was in the Ah! My Goddess! universe.
Mike: Does that mean Ifurita is yet another of Belldandy's sisters?
Crow: It's too bad Jinnai couldn't be one of Keiichi's sempais, that'd
be much more interesting.
Navi is Rei�s creation. The Skysaber Show is Jared-Sama�s.
Mike <Neko>: I kick ass for the Angels.
YAY! Did I do well Rei-san?
Crow: <Rei> Eh, good enough for goverment work.
Tom: <Rei> Good? Why, it's WONDERFUL! In fact, I'm giving you a GOLD
STAR! And STICKERS!! And TWO GLORIOUS MINUTES WITH THE FLINTSTONE
PHONE!!!
Joel: <Neko> Ooh, pleasure overload! Pleasure overload!
Ranma winced as the panda shoved her out into the street.
Tom: Right into oncoming traffic, poor dope.
Mike: And right into oncoming fanfic, I guess.
Joel: [singing] Hit de road, Ranma, and don'tcha come back no more no
more no more no more, hit de road...
Skidding on the slick, rain coated street, she twisted to face the
panda as it exited the side street in a slow, steady gait.
Tom: Genma takes the off-ramp, pops his clutch, and tells the world to
eat his shorts.
Crow: Ranma! Check out the signs! "Slippery When Wet"!
Mike <Ranma>: Ah, come on, Pop! I know we've had to rehash this scene
in countless fanfics but can't you at least put some energy into it?
"That�s it old man. You�ve gone too far!"
Joel <Ranma>: You took us all the way to Sapporo, you dumb panda!
Crow: [holds up a sign which reads, "Pandas can't read!"]
The panda growfed at Ranma, holding up a wooden sign. [It was for
your own Good.] The panda then lunged forward, trying to strike her
with the sign.
Tom: Genma's picketing for better working conditions on the set.
Crow [holds up a sign which reads, "No more cheap bamboo in the green
room!"]
"MY OWN GOOD!" She yelled as she lept, then bounced off the panda�s
arm.
Crow: Boy, she really needs to work on her battle cries.
Mike: Otherwise known as getting smacked to the face by a fist.
Joel: Nice dismount! The judges give her a 9.1 of course, but still
nice!
To deliver a roundhouse kick to the panda's head, sending it flying
into a nearby wall.
Tom: ...press 1. To inflict a nasty burn to the panda's butt... press
2. To unleash a 16 hit combo to the panda's groin... press 3.
"YOU SOLD RYOGA TO A FOOD VENDOR!"
Crow [holds up sign which reads, "No, I engaged him. There's a very
fine difference, one you should know well Ranma..."]
Tom <Ryouga>: 'We're just going to the bathroom,' he says... Man, I
think I've been had.
Mike <Vendor>: Back to work, Preztel Boy!
Ranma shifted his stance in mid air and launched her self as soon as
she lands.
Joel <Hank Hill>: That sentence ain't right....
Tom: <Ranma> Oh CRAP! I�ve got thermal curtain failure! Damn you,
Jynx! Damn you to hell!!!
Mike: Ranma became an expert at shifting time while talking to some
strange guy named Al.
"You had better hope he ain't pork chops when Navi finds him pops!!"
she muttered as she started to rapidly punch the panda in the gut.
Tom: What if he's hamhocks or pork rinds then?
Mike [holds up a sign which reads, "Ooh, yeah. Little lower. Yeah,
that's the sweet spot."]
Crow [holds up a sign which reads, "C'mon! I just had lunch! Can't
you aim for the face this time?"]
Joel: It must be gut-check time. Of course, it isn't all that hard to
check for Genma's gut.
The panda grunted and suddenly lashed out with a clawed paw to grip
Ranma's neck.
Mike [holds up a sign which reads, "Nodoka had a baby and its head
popped off!"]
Joel: Genma's been studying with the Undertaker I see.
Lifting the girl up, he slamed her into the wall behind him again and
again.
Joel <Ranma>: Uh, Pop? The door's right over there?
Crow [holds up a sign which reads, "Aww... but we're halfway through!"]
Tom: He learned this one from Shampoo. She demonstrated with one of
the more useless Amazons.
Growlfing, he then slung the girl over his shoulder as he rubed his
tummy and lumbered off down the street.
Crow [holds up a sign which reads, "Get me! I'm a belly dancer AND a
cute panda!"]
Joel: Thank you for joining us. This has been "How Charlie Sheen Picks
Up Women."
Tom: Next week, we'll find out which hookers are transsexuals and which
aren't with Eddie Murphy!
------------
Joel: We've entered Limboland!
Tom: By the end of this, YOU'LL wish you had this many bad cheese
smokies!
Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane stared at their father.
Tom <Akane>: WHADDAYA MEAN WE'RE ADOPTED?!?
Crow <Soun>: Your mother was all a lie, it was just an actress I hired
for eight years.
Joel: Their real last name? Truman.
"Yes, one of you three shall marry my friend�s son, Ranma." Soun
said,
Tom <Soun>: Which one will it be? We'll find out on today's episode of
"UNLOAD THAT DAUGHTER!"
Crow: The other two will immediately move into an apartment with a guy
that's pretending to be gay.
Tom: Just watch out for that Furley gentleman... I think his wardrobe
bites.
beaming a smile at his daughters.
All <Soun>: Energize!
"I hope he�s older.." Kasumi muttered
Joel <Kasumi>: I like my men decrepit and wrinkly!
Mike <Soun>: You sound somewhat bitter, Kasumi...
Crow <Kasumi> I'm not bitter, putz. I'm completely PISSED OFF! Make
your own dinner, you besotted relic!
Tom: Once uninhibited and impulsive, Kasumi had found it necessary to
lay low after the... incident... at the local retirement community.
"What�s he like? Is he cute?" Nabiki asked.
Mike <Soun>: Oh, he's absolutely to DIE for! He's a hottie with a butt
that won't quit!
Crow: Four out of five Heeros agree, under Ranma is the place to be!
Tom: He's so damn hot he turned down repeated requests to star in
"Nyquil DOOM".
"HMUPH. Who cares about some silly boy." Akane replied, while
looking away from her father.
Tom: Akane's had a real problem with hairballs recently...
Mike <Akane, sing-songy>: Isn't that right, O-nee-chan?
Tom <Nabiki, hissing>: Later.... later!
"I don�t know, I�ve never met him." Soun replied to his daughters
question as someone knocked at the door.
Mike <Akane>: Oh, if only I had to courage to tell Soun-sama how I
really feel.... why have a boy when I could get a MAN?
Crow <Nabiki>: Oh boy! Opportunity is here!
Joel: Or Jm J. Bullock. You never really know with fanfics, do you?
"Ah, that must be them." Soun stood up and walked to the door,
followed by Nabiki.
Joel <Nabiki>: oooOOOOOH! Cute boy cute boy cute boy cute boy...
Tom <Allen Funt>: Smile, Nabiki! You're on... Candid Camera!
Kasumi watched as Nabiki and Soun ran back around the corner a
moment later.
Crow <Soun>: ANTS!! GIANT ANTS EVERYWHERE!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
Joel: Huh? Ohhh, *THEM*. Heh, cute, Crow.
They were quickly followed a panda carrying a girl.
Crow [holds up a sign reading, "Here's the girl you ordered, Mr. Tendo.
Sign here, please."]
"Put me down pops! Can�t you see that you�re scaring them?"
Joel [holds up a sign saying, "Okay then. You have thunder thighs, a
big fat butt, and you'll NEVER be able to make a man happy."]
Mike <Akane>: Actually, we're not scared at all. Just ask our
neighbors next door, the Kodiaks.
"That�s your friend?" Nabiki asked. Soun shook his head. "Oh,
then what, they just decided to stop by." Nabiki then said
sarcastically.
Tom <Ranma>: We're selling these fine furry jackets... psst, pops, show
them your wares!
Joel <Ranma>: Remember, my panda's not only the mascot for Hair Club
for Pandas, he's also a client.
Genma grunted as he ploped his son/daughter down before him.
Mike <singing>: plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is....
Joel <Nabiki>: There's NO WAY I'm marrying Pat! I don't even know what
Pat IS!
Tom: Obviously, Pat is... charmed to make your acquaintance, Nabiki.
Soun looked at the red headed figure standing in front of him. "You
wouldn't be..."
Crow <Soun>: Linda Evangelista, come to make an old man's dream a
reality?
Tom <Ranma>: Yes, I am the Red Skull! Captain America can't save you
now!
"Yea, I'm Ranma Sao-" Ranma took a step forward and grabed Soun by the
shoulder. "-tome. Please step to the side?"
Joel: <director> CUT! Soun, honey, could you try staying in your OWN
key light this time?
Mike <Ranma>: Form a line, dammit! Do I have to get security on your
ass?
Tom <Ranma>: Now step back... then again to the side... my, you dance
divinely, Mr. Tendo....
She asked as she calmly pushed Nabiki and Kasumi onto the grass. She
then lifted her left hand to a small metal object behind her ear.
"You�re clear."
Crow: The Kennedy car cavalcade dodges another bullet.
Joel: Figuratively speaking, of course.
Tom <Ranma>: Loud and clear! Boy, this Whisper 2000 thing really paid
off!
Mike: When the heck did they get outside?
The other four people and the panda just looked at Ranma in confusion.
Crow [holds up a sign reading, "He thinks he's Clint Eastwood
sometimes.
This is his "In the Line of Fire" impression. Don't worry, he's not
insane..."]
Joel <Ranma>: Oh yeah? What about the rights of that little pig?!
Then the panda's danger sense kicked in and it started to turn around
as a voice rang out behind it. "FORE!"
Mike: Genma's pandy sense was tingling.
Crow: Phil Mickelson plays through.
The panda was sent flying in mid-turn. After a second, it slamed
into the far wall and bounced off it.
Tom <Ranma>: Anyone up for a game of squash?
Crow: Sounds more like a game of squish.
Mike: Shoulda just stuck with the manga storyline, at least that one
made sense...
Ranma chuckled and turned to face the attacker. "Good shot Ryoga."
Joel <Ryouga>: I was aiming for the hangman...
Crow <Ryouga>: Hey, I thought we agreed my nickname was Real Deal
Ryouga!
She then turned to Kasumi. "Sorry about the commotion. Could you get
me and my... panda some hot water?"
Tom <Nabiki>: Speaking of hot water, guess which moron is in it for the
grass stains on my BLOUSE?!?
Mike <Ranma>: Swiss Miss bliss, here I come!
Crow [holds up a sign reading, "Don't forget the marshmallows!"]
Kasumi blinked for a few seconds, then smiled and nodded.
"Of course." She replied then walked off towards the kitchen.
Tom <Kasumi>: The hell am I, everyone's maid or something?
Crow: Pretty soon it'll be Miss Saotome, with a revolver, in the dining
room.
------
Tom: [singing] A criminal line is all I... all I�ve ever known....
Joel: I see the fic dashed off a reply.
Nabiki, Akane, Kasumi, and Soun watched the four people sitting
across from them.
Joel <Kasumi, thinking>: Oh my, I didn't think it was possible to have
that many tongue-piercings....
Tom <Akane>: That pervert's staring at me... he'd better quit it before
I get MAD....
Crow <Nabiki>: That's it, sucker... take a good look at my panties and
be prepared to shell out the moolah when I scream....
Mike <Soun>: Uh, does anybody know if this bus goes uptown?
Well, three people and a panda.
Joel: Starring Steve Gutenburg and... well, actually, he's the only one
that returned our calls....
Crow: Hah, Matt Leblanc would PAY to be involved in a movie like that.
"Like I said before Ryoga knocked Pops out, I am Ranma Saotome. And
this..." Ranma calmly poured the Scalding hot water onto the sleeping
panda "Is my father, Genma Saotome."
Tom <Ranma>: Trust me, I'm REALLY sorry about this one.
Mike: Genma, as you see, tenders up nicely when you boil him...
Crow <Akane>: So what's the deal? Hack-and-slash sexual reassignment
in Taipei?
Joel <Nabiki>: Genma must've pimped you out for food...
Soun and his daughters gaped as the panda screamed and its form
shifted into a fat, balding man.
Tom <Nabiki>: No WAY, Daddy. I'm not marrying THAT, either!
Mike <Ranma>: Hey, you're not Genma. You're Ernest Borgnine!
"AAAAHHHH!! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO! BOIL-umm. Navi... er... Eap?"
Crow: Oh great, tachyon storms on the Internet.
Joel: This fic transcribed from the original ham radio audio version.
"I still haven't forgiven you for selling my brother to the food
vendor, Panda-idiot." Navi whispered, holding a glowing orange sphere
to Genma's head.
Crow <Navi>: Now feel the wrath of HAPPY FUN BALL, MORTAL!!!
Joel: Holy crap, Navi's stolen a Dragonball!
Mike: You'd better be careful, Navi... Vegeta's been looking for that
one.
"Just give me one good reason to blast you. Now shut up and we
do the talking."
Crow <Genma>: Okay, if you insist. Give me your copy of the script.
Ranma, count down to three and we'll start together.
Genma whimpered.
Tom: Someone needs to let the Genma out.
Ryoga placed his hand on Navi's shoulder. "Let him go." Navi
looked at Ryoga, back to Genma, snarled and let the Light dissipate
harmlessly.
Mike: And every time Navi looked at Genma, she could always see Ol'
Yeller.
Joel <Navi>: You bastard! Only you would be cruel, heartless, and
HUNGRY enough to eat a sick dying dog!
Crow <Genma>: You would've loved it with a bit of vinegar and soy
sauce!
She then got up and walked outside.
Tom: <Navi> But if they don't let me bully him, how will I ever feel
better about myself!? I-It's not f-fair... <sob>....
Ryoga looked at the three sisters and Soun. "Umm. Don�t mind her.
She is still getting used to her bio-chemical emotional reactions." he
said, without really knowing what it meant.
Joel <Ryouga>: Why, if my calculations are correct, the amount of
serotonin in her new cerebral cortex is finally reaching nominal
levels while her levels of adrenaline stabilize...
Tom: Ryouga and his power dolls... when will he ever learn?
Crow <Ryouga>: DeVry! They're serious about success! And if you go to
the Tokyo branch now, you can study with Uribatake!
Ranma winced as Navi stormed out. "THAT explains a lot..." she
muttered, uppending the kettle over her head and then shaking the
water free of his hair.
Tom: And with a flash upon his smile and a glimmer in his eye, he
turned to gaze at the three girls.
Mike: Bishonen, anyone?
"Now, Pop seemed really intent on bringing me here for one reason or
another..." he asked, as he looked to his father and Soun.
Tom: Counseling with Futaba Shimeru.
Joel <Genma> I wanted to wave you under Nodoka's nose for a while to
see if she still has your scent. I have a death wish, y'know...
Soun, puzzled and a little stunned by the event's in the past few
minutes, smiled and gestured to his three daughters. "Well, you are to
be engaged to one of my three daughters Ranma!"
Tom <Ranma>: You named all your girls Ranma? Man, you're more
obsessive than George Foreman.
Crow <Ranma>: Heh heh heh, how's about all three of 'em?
Ranma grimaced as he heard this. "Not another one..." he looked at
Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane.
Joel <Ranma>: Look, at this rate I'll have to relocate to Salt Lake
City!
Mike <Ranma>: Hmm... old and decrepit, scheming and mean, or just plain
violent...
Joel, Crow, Tom <Tendo daughters>: HEY!
"Look, my life is extremely chaotic right now. I have at LEAST 2
other fianc�s that I know of AND the GUY this idiot engaged me to, a
crazy Amazon and her grandmother after me,
Crow: For shame, Genma! You promised Ranma to both Shampoo AND
Cologne?
Joel <Cologne>: Oooh, I've been looking for a good cabana boy ever
since I wore the last one out! YEE-HAW!
three MAJOR curses and four Minor ones... it just wouldn�t be right."
Mike: Every time he gets a tarot reading the cards blow up.
Crow: Magic 8-balls sag and sprout leaks.
Tom: Gypsy women try to introduce Ranma to their enemies.
Joel: Rabbits spontaneously combust at Ranma's very name.
Crow: For all your leprechaun-eradicating needs...
All: RANMA!
Soun blinked... Genma grabed Ranma Shirt and tossed Ranma into the
koi pond.
Joel: <Genma> Laundry day, Ranma!
Tom <Ranma>: Wow, what is this new emotion I'm feeling... FATHER
DEAREST! LOVE OF MY LIFE! HUG ME, YOU GREAT SLAB OF MAN!!
"Quit Gripping RANMA! YOU SOUND LIKE A GIRL!"
Mike: After all, Genma hasn't gripped Ranma for a couple of seconds
now.
Tom <Ranma>: Ok, I'll just spaz out then! BLAH! BLAH! I AM COUNT
CHOCULA AND I VANT TO SUCK YOUR YUMMY MUMMY!
Ranma Splashed into the pond and emerged as a young woman. She
glared at Genma. "I ain�t no girl. Mentally or PHYSICALLY old man!"
Joel: Ranma's really addled as to what "physically" means...
Tom <Ranma>: I accuse my parents!
she leapt across the gap between the pond to Genma, then tossed him
high into the air. "HEY NAVI! TARGET PRACTICE!!"
Tom: Johnny Mathis? I'll get my gun!
Crow: Flip your Genmas so that they're broiled on both sides...
"ALRIGHT! FRY, YOU BASTARD!! <FLARE>!!"
Joel <Navi>: I summon the unholy spirit of Bahamut!
Tom <Navi>: DRAGON SLAVE!!
Navi yelled out. Grinning evilly, she launched an orange sphere at the
flying man.
Crow: <Marv Albert> Navi feeds the ball to Jordan and YES! There's one
for the highlight reel!
As the sphere hit, he was engulfed in a huge ball of flames and fell
down to the ground, landing in a smoking, charred heap in the koi
pond.
Joel: Mayday, mayday, Genma on flight plan 239 is not cleared for
runway 18... pull up! Pull up!
Mike: If only they had Robert Stack to talk 'im down.
An unconscious panda surfaced a moment later. She draged it out and
started kicking him viciously in the side, cursing the whole time.
Tom: Aww, come on fic. I know, it's Genma, but still...
Crow: Why not just banish the poor fool to Happosai's cave?
Joel: Or Nodoka's bedroom?
This proved too much for Soun and he passed out.
Joel <Soun>: Hey... t-that's not... ketchup....! *clunk*.
Mike: Man, I bet Soun wishes it was 'cause of the manga reason, feeling
Ranma up...
Crow <Nabiki>: Daddy, were you in the circus when you were younger?
Ryoga winced at Navi's actions. "Um... Navi!! I don�t think he's
going to feel that." He sighed. "She's not listening..." Ryoga then
turned to face the three sisters.
Mike <Ryouga>: Now then, how would you three like to star in a Jast
game?
Joel <Ryouga>: Sorry about her poking your dad with a stick... that's a
legacy app that I couldn't quite delete.
Crow: Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos were not to be moved.
Tom <Cherry>: They are Fates.
Kasumi gaped at the ensuing chaos with an open mouth.
Mike <Kasumi>: Oh my! Is this a crossover with "My Dear Marie" as
well, Ryouga?
Tom: 'Cause, of course, it's hard to gape with a closed mouth.
Crow <Kasumi>: This was almost like the time we watched the dinner
theater version of "Silence of the Lambs".
Her eyes followed every movement of the young man. The way, which he
moved, So quick and powerful. ~If only Tofu...~ she thought.
Mike <Kasumi>: ...could taste like chicken...
Tom: But Dr. Tofu IS a martial artist! Ask poor Ranma! Well, later
that is...
Crow: This is a weird alt universe... so does that mean now Ryouga will
not only get nosebleeds, his eyes will gloss over?
Joel: Wait! Kasumi! You can't, he's younger than you!!
Then blinked and shook her head, trying to stop blushing.
Nabiki blinked at the chaos.
Crow: In summary, the occupants of the house found the need to refresh
their ocular organs with human-manufactured saline solution.
Tom: Chaos? Pshaw. The REAL good chaos is all in Tomobiki!
At the devastation this young man had done to her home. ~but still,
he is good. Probably good enough to fight in the professional
circuit.
Joel: Where they're all staged.
Tom: <Nabiki> Although he does seem to have trouble keeping his hands
up and moving his head while caving in that panda's ribs...
Mike <Nabiki>: I must get in touch with my contact down south, Joe
Higashi. He'll know how to get him acclimated.
Tom <Nabiki> And then we can book fights with King Hippo and Bald Bull!
And he Knew Magic! Oh yhea.~ she smiled like a cat and tilted her
head.
Tom <Ranma>: *sniff sniff*.... AAAAHHH!! CATS!
Crow: Yeah, and Ranma even brought his black/blue deck with the
Sengirs, Mahamotis, and everything.
Mike: How exactly did Nabiki come to that conclusion anyway? Just
because of the curse?
Akane fumed.
Joel: Hey, take off you gas huffer!
Tom: This has to be one of the very few times she was ever on "slow
burn".
Mike: Hey, Akane snuck off to the kitchen! Catch her before she
performs culinary malfeasance!
~why did her father have to make this arranged marriage with this boy.
With that rippling firm muscles, and sinuous female body he had come
into HER house with his friends and started fighting.
Tom: Another "Akane is violent, therefore she's a lesbian" plot?
Joel: Ranma's in training for the Miss Olympia title.
He was mot likely going to do <censored.> with a <Censored> to her
<Censored>~
Crow: Ooh, check it out! Mad libs! It's gonna be... a verb, a noun,
and a noun...
Tom: "Dentistry", "rutabaga", "desk".
Mike: "Trapping", "flowerpot", "aardvark".
Joel: "Pottery", "hacksaw", "Toyota".
"YOU PERVERT!" She grabed the table and Swung it toward Ranma's head.
Mike: When interior design goes way too far.
Crow: Next week on 'Trading Spaces'...
Tom <Akane>: I'll make you a part of the decorations!!
Only to have it caught by Ryoga. With a quick twist of the wrist,
he turned the table 90* and flung Akane into pond.
[Tom and Mike stare at the screen completely dumbfounded.]
Joel <Ryouga>: Into pond you go! Akane make big splash!
Mike: H-h-he did *what*?
Tom: Man, this fic's serious about him and Kasumi getting together.
Mike: Now I'm just waiting for Kodachi to come around now and profess
her love of Soun.
Nabiki chuckled. "You are quite a trio. Now, about the matter our
fathers were talking about...
Mike <Akane>: H-Help me... *glub glub*... I'm d-drowning!
Crow <Nabiki>: Shh! Don't interrupt! Like I was saying....
Since you have had other engagements made by your father, I ask you
this, has he ever done something like this?"
Crow <Ranma>: By "this" do you mean turn into a panda, get beaten up by
Navi, or sleep on the floor drooling?
Mike <Nabiki>: An' I axes you dis too! And dis again!
Ranma and Ryoga blinked. "Umm... actually, no. he usually tries to
get out of them." Ryoga replied... "And he also usually doesn�t tell
Ranma about it."
Joel: So for Ryouga to know this, Genma's been serious about an
engagement before?
Tom <Ryouga>: And now it's twice the fun... Now we don't even know
which
GENDER Ranma's future spouses will be!
Nabiki grined. "I thought so. And my father just told us about this
today. I don't think he's going to back down from it. So, let go
along with it, but on OUR terms."
Joel <Nabiki>: Number one?
All: NO POOFTAHS!
She pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. "I'll write up a contract
for us, which me and Kasumi will sign.
Mike: Which Nabiki always keeps on hand in ContractSpace.
Crow: Akane must not have graduated from the "X" stage yet.
You�ll be engaged to us till your 18 birthday, when you will chose
which of the female signers you will marry. That will allow you to
decide who you will marry."
Tom <Nabiki> This contract will have a no-trade clause, and we are
entitled to a fiance to be named later.
Joel: I'm sure Ranma wants to get straight to the draft picks...
Budweiser, Heineken, Yebisu...
Ranma looked at Nabiki. "That sounds like a good Idea. What do you
get out of it?"
Crow: Certainly not legality, since minors aren't supposed to be title
to ANY contracts upon forfeiture.
Mike <Nabiki>: Sex and shopping. And 100% custody of all remote
controls in the house.
Nabiki�s eyes widen at this, and her estimation of him, err, her
adjusted slightly.
Joel <Nabiki>: Marvelous. Already submissive, doesn't need training...
Tom <Nabiki>: My demands? That Ryouga builds me a massive army of
power dolls so that I can assert dominance!
"Two things. An opportunity to get out of this engagement and you
will have to teach me and Kasumi Magic."
Crow: <Ranma> What do I look like? Ronald Freakin' McDonald?
Joel: So it's a contract to engagement yet it includes an escape
clause? Huh?
Mike <Ranma>: Hey, that's cool. Okay, first you start with lands. I
picked swamps, islands, and underground seas. These give you
"mana"...
Tom: And we need a recharge. Let's get out of here, guys...
__
Shorter than my last couple posts, this one is. Second part should be
in your inbox right after this first part. Keep reading, it's even
more fun than this one!
---"Z"
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