Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic] [Crossover] [Parody - Humor] Square Trek - Parts 1 & 2
From: Parker Schadegg
Date: 8/23/2002, 12:15 AM
To: The FFML


Warnig:  This is intended for an immature audience that has reached the
age of maturity.

Strong language ahead.

This series takes the fundamental principals of Star Trek and Merges them
with Squaresoft RPG characters.

Feel free to check for grammer and the like, but this is written in script
format and there is no inward desire to change it's format.

Any and all feedback, however, is encouraged and asked for, try to send
privately though, soest we do not spam up the list.

I hope you enjoy!

- - Start Fic - -

Omake Theater Presents....

Square Trek

Episode 1

[The Highwind cruses at a high speed somewhere out in the middle of
space.]

Cloud voice over:  Captain's log star date 1-9 no wait...2-0 uh...um...
Aw the hell with it, I've been given command of the U.S.S Highwind
and...that's about it...  Do people actually listen to these things?

[Cloud, Vincent, Tiffa, Red 13 and Barret are on the bridge of the
Highwind.  Cloud is in the Captain's chair, Vincent is in the First
Mate's chair, Tiffa and Red 13 are at the helm and Barret is at
Tactical.]

Vincent:  (Starring blankly at the zooming stars on the viewscreen)  So
uh...  What exactly are we supposed to be doing out here?

Cloud:  Dammit Vincent, didn't you pay any attention during the opening
credits?

Vincent:  Well, I looked for my name but that was about it.

[Cloud just looks at Vincent for a long minute.]

Tiffa:  (Turning around to face Cloud) Do you have a minute sir?

Cloud:  (Mildly irritated) Go ahead...

Tiffa:  I've been having a problem with my uniform.  It's kinda tight.

[Cloud and Vincent snicker and give each other knowing looks]

Cloud:  Oh? (Suppresses a laugh and tries to maintain a straight face)

Tiffa:  Yeah well I just thought that I might be able to get a bigger
one you know?

Vincent:  (Unable to keep his voice from wavering) It's really not that
noticeable...

Barret:  It's all in yo' mind sugar.

Tiffa:  You think so?  Maybe I'm just being too self-conscious...

Cloud:  (Also unable to keep his voice from wavering) If you're feeling
too insecure then you can talk to our supply officer when you get the
chance.

Tiffa:  (Brightly smiles) Okay!  I wasn't aware that we had a supplies
officer.  Thank you sir.  (Turns around and goes back to work)

[Cloud, Vincent and Barret can hardly contain their laughter as they
all exchange high fives]

Red 13:  Captain, I think I might have found a Square inhabited planet.

Cloud:  And...

Rend 13:  And...  I thought you might like me to set a course.

Cloud:  (Shrugs shoulders) Fine.  Just... do whatever the hell it is you
gotta do.  I don't care.

Red 13:  (Grits teeth) Very well then sir...  (Starts to punch in the
coordinates)  Are you sure that the Warp drive is functioning sir?
This being a new ship and all...

Cloud:  Hmm.  That would help wouldn't it?  (Clicks on communicator)
Cid, does our Warp drive work or what?

Cid:  (Speaking through his thick cigar) The hell if I know.  Try it.

[Vincent gets an agitated look on his face]

Vincent:  (Clicks on communicator) Maybe you outta check.

Cid:  Maybe I outta kick your ass.

Vincent:  Bring it, Columbo.

Cid:  Any time Morticia.

[The entire bridge crew (except for Vincent) starts snickering]

Vincent:  Oh that is so it...  (Gets up ands storms off of the bridge)

Cloud:  (Laughing) Yeah you go get 'em Morticia.  Say hello to Gomez
for me.

Vincent:  (From the hallway) Bite me.

[An awkward moment of silence]

Cloud:  So...  What Captainly thing should I do?

Barret:  You can make an announcement...

Cloud:  An announcement huh?  That's not a half-bad idea.  (Clicks on
communicator and starts to speak in a valiant voice)  Ladies and
Gentlemen this is your Captain speaking...

[Red 13 slaps his forehead and sighs]

Cloud:  We'll be exceeding speeds of over 8 or 9 times lightspeed, so
fasten your seatbelts and pray that the Warp core won't obliterate us
all.  Thank you.

[The rest of the crew slaps their foreheads and sigh.]

Cloud:  Alrighty then.  Time to see what this baby can do.  Warp speed
Red.

Red 13:  (Turns around) But Captain, shouldn't we make sure that the
Warp drive is fully func-

Cloud:  (Puts a finger to his lips) Shhh!  You hear that?  I believe
that's the sound of a know-nothing red mountain lion bitching to the
captain.

Red 13:  Captain I-

Cloud:  There it goes again.  I wonder where it's coming from?

Red 13:  (Grits teeth again) Never mind Captain.  Preparing for Warp
speed (Mutters) you motherfucking son of a 10 cent whore...

[Cloud picks up a half empty Moble cup from the cup holder on the
Captain's chair and chucks it at the back of Red 13's head]

Cloud:  (Says in a drone voice) Oops.  My Coffee went air-born.  Who
the hell's flying this ship anyway?

Red 13:  (Shakes head and does a few breathing exercises) Remain calm...
Stay cool...

[The bridge doors fly open and Vincent steps in.  This surprises the
shit out of Barret and he fills the area full of lead]

Vincent:  (Does a Homer Simpson scream and ducks) What the fuck man!

Cloud:  Yeah Barret, Chill!

Barret:  Er, sorry.  Thought it was the Shinra

Vincent:  Barret, you think the ice-cream man's the Shinra

[Barret just gives Vincent the finger]

Cloud:  Anyways, what the hell brings you back here so soon Vincent?
Get a hold of Cid already?

Vincent:  (Eyeing Barret warily) Not exactly.  I couldn't find
engineering.   This whole ship is one big fucking hallway.

[Cloud prepares to give Vincent step by step instructions when Red 13
interrupts]

Red 13:  In order to get to engineering you have to-

Cloud:  THANK YOU Red that'll be all.

[Red 13 looks as though he's about to snap but he somehow holds it in]

Cloud:  Don't mind the Cowardly Lion over here thinks he's some damned
Indian tracker just 'cause he wears war paint.

Red 13:  (Stands up straight without facing Cloud) Permission to leave
the bridge for some fresh air SIR!

Cloud:  Fine fine.  Tiffa will just have to make due while you're gone.
You know how manning the helm is such a _hard_ job.

[Red 13 storms off of the bridge]

Vincent:  What bug crawled up _his_ ass?

Cloud:  You've got me, he's been like that all morning.  Tiffa, be a
sweetheart and activate the Warp dive will ya?

Tiffa:  What speed Warp Captain?

Cloud:  (Shrugs shoulders) I dunno.  Maximum I guess.  Why go fast when
you can go faster I always say...

[Tiffa punches the activation button and the whole ship kicks into
overdrive.  Somewhere in the hall Red 13 is thrown to the floor and Cid
in engineering spills his thermos of coffee all over himself]

Red 13 and Cid: Son of a BITCH!

End of part 1

- - -

Omake Theater Presents....

Square Trek

Episode 2

[The Highwind orbits around a green planet.]

Cloud voice over:  I've given up on that date thing.  Nobody really gives
a
flying fuck what year it is so I figure why bother?  Anyways we found a
square inhabited planet and today's the day we're going to step outside
and
probably desecrate whatever culture they've got down there.  Somebody
should
make a rule against that one of these days...

[The entire crew of the USS Highwind except for Counselor Yuffie ((Who's
she?
Keep reading)) stands ready in the Transporter room.  Cloud stands in
front
preparing to address the group.]

Cloud:  Alright everyone, check one last time to make sure your uniforms
are
crisp and lint-free.  I want us to look like a team out there so-

Tiffa:  Excuse me sir

Cloud:  Yes, what is it...

Tiffa:  I still think my uniform's a little on the tight side.  I was
wondering if-

Cloud:  Nonsense, you look fine.  Anyone else have a question?

[Everyone just blankly stares back at Cloud]

Cloud:  Anyone?  Common now, if you've got something to say, say it.
I don't want anyone making an ass out of me down there.

Barret:  What if we encounter heh heh...  Resistance?

Cloud:  Turn 'em into charcoal.

Vincent:  Can we just shoot 'em anyways?

Cloud:  No.  Anyone else?

Red 13:  Er...  Captain, don't you think that's a little extreme?

Cloud:  What the fuck are you doing here Red?  Who said you could come?

Red 13:  Well I just assumed that I was a part of the away team.

Cloud:  Didn't anyone tell you that assumption is the mother of all
fuckups?
Get your ass off the transporter pad!

[Red 13, looking hurt, slowly gets off the transporter pad.]

Red 13:  Well then what do you want me to do?

Cloud:  You can press the button to beam us out of here for starters.

Red 13:  Fine...

Cloud:  Seriously Red, I wonder about you.  Did you think that we'd just
beam _ourselves_ outta here?

Red 13:  (Getting miffed)  Alright alright...  I get the point.

Aeris:  Mr. 13, I suggest you see Counselor Yuffie while we're away.

[Everyone's shocked as hell to see Aeris.]

Vincent:  Wha-wa-wa what the fuck man?  Where'd you come from?

Aeris:  Hi.  I'm Lieutenant Aeris and I'm the ship's Chief Medical Offic-

Vincent:  Yeah yeah, I know who you ARE, just where the hell have you
_been_?

[Aeris blinks her eyes a few times]

Aeris:  Ok, what now?

[Vincent slaps his forehead and sighs.]

Cid:  Medical officer huh?  Where the hell were you when I spilt coffee
all
over my lap?

Aeris:  Probably reading.

Cid:  I see...

Tiffa:  Lt. Aeris, have you seen a supplies officer on board this ship
anywhere?  I've been meaning to speak with him for a while now.  I think
that my Uniform's a little too tight.

Aeris:  A supplies officer?  Hmm... no I don't think I've seen one of
those.
Now that you mention it though your uniform does look a little too-

[Cloud and Vincent quick cup a hand over Aeris' mouth.]

Vincent:  Well that's enough of the chitchat.

Cloud:  Yeah, mustn't keep the Square inhabitants waiting.  Beam us down
Red.

Red 13:  (Still miffed)  What do you say?

Cloud:  Fuck, I dunno, how about...NOW before you're a Lion skin rug in my
quarters!

Red 13:  Fine...

[Red 13 pushes the buttons to beam down the crew.]

Red 13:  One of these days I'm gonna kill him...  KILL...HIM! (Makes
slashing
motions to his neck)

[A crewmember passing by the transporter room stops to watch]

Crewmember:  Lt. Red 13 are you okay?

[Red 13's eyes widen]

Red 13:  NO!  Er...yes!  I'm fine!

Crewmember:  Perhaps you should see the counselor sir.

Red 13:  The counselor...  Yes, of course.  I was just on my way.

[The crewmember nods and walks away]

Crewmember:  (Muttering)  And not a moment too soon...

[Scene changes to Cloud and the Away team on the surface of the planet.
They appear to be in a big carnival.]

Vincent:  Sa-weet!  Looks like we're in some sort of fair.

Aeris:  Look at all the children playing.

[Barret cocks his gun arm at practically everything that moves.]

Barret:  Don't trust 'em Aeris!  Could be the Shinra!

Cloud:  Dammit Barret!  Midgar's like a trillion light years away.  I
DON'T
think we have to worry about them.

Barret:  (Still aiming at everyone and everything)  Yeah, you wouldn't
think
so but they're sneaky sons of bitches...

Cloud:  Whatever.  Just don't shoot anybody.

Aeris:  Ooo!  Cotton candy!  Cloud can I have some cotton candy?

Cloud:  No.  No time for candy.

Aeris:  Pleaaaase?

Cloud:  Absolutely not.  We're on a strict timetable

[The party walks for a while until they come across a giant bell]

Tiffa:  Wow.  What a pretty bell.

[Vincent analyzes the bell]

Vincent:  (Evil grin)  Hey Cloud, what do you say we ring the shit out of
it
then run like hell?

[Cloud's eyes sparkle for a moment]

Cloud:  (Looks around to see if anyone's watching)  Yeah...  I think we
have
time for that.

[Cloud and Vincent approach the bell.]

Tiffa:  Excuse me sir, are you sure you should-

Cloud:  Tiffa dear, you're starting to sound just like Red...

Tiffa:  (Ponders for a moment then shudders) Ok never mind.  Continue.

[Cloud and Vincent are about to give the bell's rope a mighty tug when a
girl in light green genie pants approaches them.]

Girl:  Uh...whatcha doin'?

[Cloud and Vincent freeze while the rest of the team just stares at the
girl.]

Cloud:  ...

Girl:  Hey mister, you okay?

Vincent:  (Whispers to Cloud)  Say something to her.

Cloud:  (Whispering back)  Like what asshole?

Vincent:  I don't know, anything.

Cloud:  (Turns around and faces the girl)  Uh, take us to your leader.

[The entire team slaps their foreheads and sigh.]

Cid:  (Shaking his head sadly)  What would we ever do without our eloquent
Captain?

Girl:  My leader?  Hmm...  Ok.  Follow me.

[Everyone looks at Cloud.]

Cloud:  (Shrugs)  Might as well...(Starts to follow the girl)

[Scene changes to Councilor Yuffie's office with Red 13 laying on a couch
and Yuffie sitting in a chair.]

Red 13:  So you can help me with my problems?

Yuffie:  Sure I can!  I've got psychic abilities.

Red 13:  Great!  So anyway my problem is-

Yuffie:  Let me guess.  You're taking a lot of shit from the Captain and
you
have no way to vent your rage.

Red 13:  (Shocked)  Exactly!  You really DO have psychic abilities.

Yuffie:  Well, actually that's just common knowledge on the ship.

Red 13:  Oh...

Yuffie:  Anyways you were saying?

Red 13:  Oh yeah.  The Captain just keeps bustin' my chops every time I
try
to say something...

Yuffie:  (Nods)  Yes, go on.

Red 13:  And he always is making fun of me in front of the other
crewmembers...

Yuffie:  And what does he say?

Red 13:  He keeps calling me a Red _Mountain Lion_.

Yuffie:  (Snickers)  Is that a fact?

Red 13:  Yeah.  Then he thinks that I'm a total MORON who can't do
ANYTHING.

Yuffie:  How does he make you feel when he treats you that way?

Red 13:  Well...  I feel like shit.  Lots of shit.  Like a worthless pile
of
shit.  Like a heaping steaming hearty pile of-

Yuffie:  I...get the point.  So what's your ideal scenario?

Red 13:  (Gets a gleam in his eye)  You know what I'd like to happen?
I'll
tell you what I'd like to do...  I want to KILL...HIM!  (Makes slashing
motions to his neck)

Yuffie:  Er...right.  I was thinking more along the lines of something a
little less...uh, homicidal?

Red 13:  Oh.  Well in that case I don't know.

[Scene changes back to Cloud and the Away team outside a small house.]

Cid:  (Frustrated)  THIS is where your leader is?  I knew we were wasting
our time.

Vincent:  Now, now, wait a minute Cid.  This may be like his summer
cottage
or something.

Cloud:  (Also frustrated)  I'll get to the bottom of this.  Hey girl!

Girl:  Hmm?

Cloud:  First of all, do you people on this forsaken planet have names?

Girl:  Yeeeeeah...  My name's Marle.

Cloud:  Wonderful.  I'm Captain Cloud and this is my crew.  I was under
the
impression that you were taking us to your leader.

Marle:  I did.  This is his house.

Cloud:  (Blankly starring at the house)  Yeah Cid, you were right...
Waste
of time.

Marle:  (Does a gesture with her arms out)  Aren't you going to come
inside?
You've come all this way.

Cloud:  Like hell I am-

Aeris:  Captain, don't you think that we should at least go inside for a
little while?  It would be rude to refuse.

Cloud:  (Rolls his eyes)  Oh, what the hell?  It's not like we've got
anything _better_ to do...  Mission from Squarefleet and all...

Aeris:  (Missing the sarcasm)  Great!  Let's go.

[Everyone gives Cloud the "You had to say it" look.]

Cloud:  What?

Marle:  (Steps into house)  Chrono!  Chronoooo!  There's some people who
want
to talk to you!

[A young guy with spiky red hair comes into view.]

Chrono:  Dammit...  I'm coming already sheesh.  What is it?

Marle:  (Does a gesture with her arms out)  There's some people who want
to
talk to you.

Chrono:  Yeah...  So you yelled.  (Looks at Cloud and the gang and does a
super surprised gesture with his hands in the air)

Vincent:  Whoa, chill dude.  We come in peace.

Chrono:  Sorry, I always do that for some reason.  Won't you come in?

[The Away team packs itself inside Chrono's little house.]

Aeris:  Oh, I'm sorry it looks like you already had company.

Chrono:  Naw, these are my friends.  We go around saving time and space.

Cid:  You don't say...

Cloud:  Really?  You mean you lead a small group of psychotic warriors
too?

Chrono:  Yup.  You too?

Cloud:  Shit yeah homes.

Chrono:  Awesome!  We've even got the same hair.

[Everyone just leaves Chrono and Cloud to their little chat.]

Marle:  At any rate, this is our elite team.  The guy in the corner over
there is Magus...

Vincent:  Don't I know you from somewhere?

Magus:  Damn, you look familiar...

Marle:  The robot by the cupboards' name is Robo...

Barret:  (Takes a look at Robo)  Charmed.

Marle:  Sitting in the chair right there is Frog...

Aeris:  Oh cute, a froggie.

Frog:  (Nods) Melady.

Marle:  On the floor...er, resting, I guess, is Ayla...

Cid:  Whoa momma!

Marle:  Oh.  And that's Lucca (mutters) the bitch...

Lucca:  I heard that!

Tiffa:  Wow.  It's a pleasure to meet you all.

Marle:  (Eyeing Tiffa)  Girl, I don't know if you've noticed but-

Vincent:  So!  How's everyone doing?  Good?

Magus:  (Grumbles)  There's nothing to do.

Robo:  (Sputters) It's too q-quiet.

Frog:  Tis' a bore!

Ayla:  Zzzzzz...

Lucca:  Nothing much has-

Marle:  (Dismisses Lucca with a wave of her hand) What she tried to say is
it's been pretty dull around here lately.

Lucca:  Trying.  I was TRYING.

Aeris:  Really?  Why's that?

Marle:  We pretty much saved the world already.  Not much for us world
saving heroes to do in the off season.

Vincent:  We ran into the same problem.  That's why we're flying around
space making asses of ourselves.

Cid:  Speak for yourself Morticia.

Vincent:  (Looks as if he was hit by something)  Eerk!

[The group collectively snickers]

Cloud:  Hey guys!  Chrono here says he's between hero jobs right now and
would like to join us on the Highwind.

Aeris:  Yay!  Oh this is so fantastic!

[Everyone just blankly stares at Aeris.]

Cloud:  I uh, guess it's settled then.  (Clicks communicator)  Highwind,
lets
see uh, 12 to beam up.

Voice from Communicator:  12?  Are you sure you haven't been hitting the
Jack Dane-

Cloud:  (Cups the communicator and grins sheepishly)  It's so hard to find
good help these days...

Chrono:  (Looks at Lucca)  I hear ya...

Cloud:  Dammit, just DO it ok?

Voice:  Whatever you say Captain.

Lucca:  Chrono aren't you going to take your cat?

Magus:  (Visibly shaken)  Dammit woman!  How many times do I have to tell
you that's NOT a cat!  It's a hellspawn devil incarnate!  I wouldn't let
that thing come with us if-

Chrono:  Ok.

Magus:  What the fuck man!?

Lucca:  Yay!  (Picks up a cute little brown cat)

Magus:  If you folks will excuse me I think I'll be leaving now...

[Everyone starts to shimmer and disappear]

Magus:  Wait!  Let me go!

Barret:  (To Chrono)  What's he bitchin' about?

Chrono:  (Shrugs)  Got me.  His cat must've pissed on him in his crib or
something.

Magus:  Evil!  EVIL!!!

[Everyone disappears from Chrono's house and transports to the transporter
room on the Highwind.]

Chrono:  Sa-weet!

Lucca:  Would you guys mind showing me how that worked?

Chrono:  (Whispers to Cloud)  Say "yes".

Cloud:  Yes.

Lucca:  Fuck man...

Magus:  (Still shaken)  Is this a big ship?

Cid:  Yeah it's pretty fuckin' big.  Why?

Magus:  Um, no reason.  Later (Runs off into the hall).

[Everyone looks to Chrono for answers.]

Chrono:  It's his way.

Vincent:  I wonder what he's so scared about.

Cat:  Meow!

Lucca:  You want down?  (Lets the cat down)  There ya go.

[The cat runs off in the direction Magus went.]

Chrono:  So, what now?

Cloud:  Well, first of all I think we'll have to do something about your
amphibious friend here.

Chrono:  Frog?  How come?

Cloud:  (Twiddling thumbs)  I was just thinking that he might scare the
children.

Frog:  Nonsense, children love me.

[Two kids peek in the transporter room and see Frog.]

Kids:  Eeek!  A monster!  (They scurry away)

Frog:  Then again...

Cloud:  I hope this doesn't cause a problem.

Tiffa:  (Gets up close to Frog)  Oh but he's such a nice and sweet frog.
I'm sure the ship will grow to love him.

Frog:  (Blushes)  Forgive me fair maiden!  I shall divert mine eyes!

Tiffa:  Huh?  What's he-

Cloud:  How 'bout a tour hmm?

Chrono:  Sounds great.

Robo:  (Coughs smoke)  Sp-splended.

Marle:  Oh Lucca...  Robby the robot's on the fritz again...

Lucca:  Damn it all...

Cloud:  Well, just make sure he doesn't leak oil all over the carpet ok?

Lucca:  No promises...

[Scene changes to Yuffie's office.]

Yuffie:  So next time the Captain give you a hard time what are you gonna
do?

Red 13:  I'm going to stand up for myself!

Yuffie:  Right!  And if he insults you?

Red 13:  Kick him in the (gets a disapproving look from Yuffie) er, talk
it
out!

Yuffie:  Right!  You've made wonderful progress today Red.  Why don't you
try out your newfound confidence?

Red 13:  Yeah...  I'm gonna show the world what I'm made of.  I'm gonna
prove
to everyone that I'm not a dumb red Mountain Lion.

Yuffie:  That's the spirit!  Now go my dogs of war!  Ha ha haaaa...

[Red 13 makes a puzzled look]

Red 13:  Come again?

Yuffie:  Sorry.  Always wanted to say that.

Red 13:  Right...  Anyways thanks for the help.

Yuffie:  No problem.  Come back and see me any time.

[Red 13 gets up and leaves Yuffie's office feeling refreshed.]

Red 13:  What a beautiful day this has turned out to be.  (Breathes deep)
Ah...

[Frog walks past Red 13.]

Frog:  Good day.  (Disappears around the corner)

Red 13:  A t-t-talking frog?  Yuffie!  (Turns around back into Yuffie's
office)

End of part 2

- - -

Editor's Notes:

This series was borne late one night as a collaberation between my good
friend Rob W. and myself, during a riffing session of Star Trek: The Next
Generation.  He's the main reason for the existence of this series, but
alas he does not own freetime of his own - and with being enlisted in the
service of the Navy - he finds it difficult at best to do the computer
thing, so all credit for these two parts go to him.

If you liked this please feel free to peruse our website at:

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/Mikhal001/

We have loads more than just this, we have Ranma Omakes out the wazoo to
boot, we'd love to hear from you.

And if there seems to be a popular sway of opinion dealing with this, I
would be more than happy to post more.

Rob W. can be reached here for personal C&C regarding his works:

manji68@yahoo.com

We hoped you enjoyed this presentation of the Omake Theatre.

Parker Schadegg
Webmaster & Creator - An Anime Archive - http://valiance001.anifics.com
Webmaster & Co-Creator - Omake Industries -
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/Mikhal001/

"My steel is strong, my wit is sharp and my skill is surpassed only by my
determination." -- Kusangai Mikhal, Ruler of Izumo


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