--- AJ Andreason <andreasona@msn.com> wrote:

All right, let me first say that, I wrote this because I'm in a bit of a rut
on my Agent of Chaos story of late (any of you people know something about
Power Rangers? I've never actually WATCHED the show, so...) 

  Well, I used to watch it. Kimberly was fun and Billy was l33t. Then they both
left and there were some monkeys and things got wierd. Dunno about after that.

                                                            so I did this to
take my mind off it for a bit. Should I keep this going. I dunno.

  Talking from experience(practically everything I've written was done to take
my mind off of writing for a bit), go for it! :)
 

Disclaimer: Don't own DBZ or any associated, down own Sailor Moon or
associated,

  down -> don't

He suddenly brightened, and leapt to his feet, causing the fish to fling out
to one side and snap a thick tree trunk like a wet tooth pick.

  It's the roaming Saiyan Fish of the Wilderness, destroyer of trees at 
Goku's cue!

  Actually, feels like kind of a sudden introduction to his lunch. Maybe if
it was mentioned he was out picking up food, or something...

  "You must cut down the mightiest forest WIIIIIITH...a HERRING!!" *bweeee*

If you think MY Gohan is going to stop his studying to go off and have some
silly race with you around the sun--which is really dangerous!--than you
have another thing coming, and that "provided the fish so I should get a
little leeway" line isn't going to cut it here!"

  Maybe use single quotes instead of double ones for the internal quote?
 

Goten laughed and scratched his head. "I guess Moms just always been like
that, huh?"

  Moms -> Mom's

"Pretty, pretty, PRETTY please?"

"Oh, all right! ANYTHING to get you to stop asking!"

Goku grinned, and kissed his wife on the cheek. "Thanks, Chichi. You're the
best." As Earth's greatest warrior skipped like a schoolboy to Gohan's room,
Chichi put a hand to her cheek, her eyes misty and a slow blush spreading
across her face.

"Oh, boy," Goten said. "That almost NEVER happens."

Trunks nodded slowly, his face a little awed. "I guess your dad's a lot
smarter than he lets on." He smiled, and a calculating gleam came into his
eye. "I wonder..."

  Heh, and I wonder where this particular thread is heading...

  <Trunks> Hey, can Goten and I go conquer a continent or two while his 
dad and brother are out?
  <ChiChi> Wha...NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!
  <Trunks> Pretty, pretty, PRETTY please?
  <ChiChi> Oh, all right!
 

Gohan, who's eyes had been beginning to close when his father walked in, 

  who's -> whose

And so, word traveled quickly, and a small crowd of familiar faced gathered

  faced -> faces

"You bet!" Goku laughed, his feet spread beneath him and his back hunched
down. 

  Hey! Where are his bouncy leg-stretching exercises? :)

"Ha! I'm ready. I just hope you're not getting to old for this stuff!"

  to -> too

With a flash, the flaming aura surrounding him suddenly burned gold, and his
hair shot backward and down his back. He smiled with satisfaction when he
felt Gohan's energy serge as well, and then concentrated everything on the
task at hand.

  serge -> surge
 

Almost immediately, the brilliant ball of very bad gas

  <Goku> It's EVIL! KA...ME...HA...ME....!!
  <Gohan> Uh, dad?! We sorta NEED that!

Then, he suddenly felt Gohan closing behind him. Not going to happed. 

 happed -> happen

It was then that a rather odd thing happened. There was this brief moment
with Goku was surrounded by a steady blue light that rolled around him in
waves, and then there was an incredibly bright white flash.

  "with Goku was surrounded" sounds a bit off...swapping "with" with "where"
would probably fix it.
 

Too fast. With an effort, he tried to slow himself down, but he had spent
and incredible amount of energy escaping the sun.

  and -> an

                                                   All right, Goku, he
thought determinedly, you've got to get this just right, or either Gohan
will pass you up, or you're about to get a bad headache. 

  The two "or"s here seem to jumble about in a particular ouch way. 
I'd probably do something like:

  "...you've got to get this just right, 'cause if not, either Gohan will 
pass you up, or you're about to..."

Unfortunately, some inconsiderate person had gone and built a skyscraper
there in the ten seconds or so he'd been in space.

  <Goku> Wha...AGAIN?!

                      The Building was the newest one of it's kind in Tokyo,

  Hmm...maybe "newest of its kind" instead?

Frowning, his began to float back up out of the ruble, 

  his -> he
  ruble -> rubble

He looked back and forth, flashes of images floating in his mind. "There a
couple okay powers here, but nothing like..." He suddenly remember the
strange light and the flash he'd seen out in space. "Wait a second. Where am
I? If I'm not where I'm supposed to be, then shouldn't Gohan be here too?"

  <McCoy> Slingshot around the sun, pick up enough speed, you're in time warp.
If you don't, you're fried!
  <Goku> ...oops.

  Ah well, back to those sneaky grammar bugs... "There" -> "There are" or
"There're"(?), "remember" -> "remembers"
 

"Hey, you!" a high voice called suddenly, and Goku blinked and looked up.
After a moment, he noticed a woman on a rooftop near where he floated. She
was dressed in elbow-length white gloves and a red miniskirt. Her hair was
made up into something that reminded Goku of spaghetti and meatballs--his
stomach grumbled--and a golden tiara rested on her forehead.

"Uh... me?" Goku said, raising a hand guiltily.

"Yes, you!" the woman continued, pointing at him dramatically. "That
building was build with the hard work and sacrifice of hundreds of people!
How dare you destroy it! 

  <Goku> Me?! How dare you sacrifice hundreds of people just to make 
a building!
  <S.Moon> Huh? Oh...wait, lemme try doing that speech over again, okay?

  (build -> built)

The one called Pluto, one with long green hair and a long staff, 

  I'm thinking perhaps the second "one" might not need be there...

Just then, Pluto made a slight strangled sound. Her face went from red to
white to a weird yellow green, and she shook a moment. Then fainted dead
away, hitting the top of the building with a solid thump and a billow of
dust.

  Starting the sentence with "Then" feels odd...maybe if it was linked to 
the first one with something like, "...shook a moment, then fainted..." or
maybe, "Immediately afterwards, she fainted...", or even "Right as Goku was
getting ready to ask if he could chew on Usagi's hair, she fainted..."

"Worse," Mercury replied.

  Heh...I'm liking this. (actually, the first reason I read this was because,
from a glance at the subject line, it looked like feedback on Chocolate
Oranges and I pounced right on it...ah well :)  

  Still, looks like a pretty fun story to continue with, with plenty of
potential to follow up on. Such as, where'd Gohan end up? Will Vegeta go try
to find them? Will Goten and Trunks rule the planet before bedtime? Stay
tuned... :)

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