--- Kyhdin@aol.com wrote:

*Whew* I think all the C&C has been covered, changes made, and it's all good 
to go. 

Well . . . .

###
Amy Lynn went to bed at around ten at night and rose with the sun and . 

and . . . ?  Sentances don't usually end with a conjunction.

Normally, she would have been done in thirty seconds, but today she paused, 
and examined herself critically in the mirror. Her hair was black, but in 
bright light, it seemed to turn blue. 

 . . . but, in bright light, it . . .

You need to set off the parenthetical phrase with commas on both sides.

Her face had once been described as 

"like a doll's". Her skin was pale, setting off her blue eyes. Her jaw was 
slightly square, a legacy of her father, judging by the one picture she had 
of him and the few times she had seen him after her parents' breakup.

Pulling off her shirt, she turned sideways and examined her profile in the 
mirror. She was in reasonably good shape. Walking everywhere, especially 
through snow in the winter time back in Saint Paul had seen to that, 

 . . . back in Saint Paul, had seen . . .

Again, commas on both sides of the parenthetical phrase.

She had just finished breakfast when there was a knock at the door. Going to 
see who it was, she found herself face to face with Molly and Bunny. Both 
girls wore T-shirts and jeans, Molly had on sneakers, and Bunny wore work 
boots and what appeared to the same work shirt she had on yesterday. Amy Lynn 
also noted that the "machete" was actually a very large knife.

Now all she needs is a flashlight and a coffee cup.  ^_^

"Mom likes to buy furniture that can be assembled and disassembled at will," 
Amy Lynn replied. "I think it's a habit she picked up in the Army."

And very sensible of her, too.  *Recalls a mover opening a drawer and saying 'Here's the legs to your couch.'*

"Who's the guy?" Molly asked, studying an eight by ten framed photo. In it, a 
photo of Doctor Anderson and a handsome man with a shock of white hair 
smiling for the camera.

This 'sentance' contains no verb.  Perhaps:  In it was a photo . . .

"My dad," Amy Lynn replied, taking the frame from Molly. "He and Mom divorced 
when I was five because he was gay. This is the only picture I have of 
him-Mom destroyed the others and fought like mad to limit his visitation 
rights."

 . . . picture I have of him--Mom destroyed . . .

For a dash, hit the key twice to distinguish it from a hyphen.

And so, having no way to gracefully refuse, Amy Lynn left a note for her 
mother and followed Bunny and Molly down the steps to where a Great Dane-the 
same Great Dane that Amy Lynn had seen at the general store yesterday-sat 
beside an old pickup truck that had to be a good twenty or thirty years old. 

Same deal for these two dashes.

The maker's logo was written across the grille in dirt-covered chrome and the 
truck's colors were red and patches of primer gray.

See?  Here you use a hyphen (dirt-covered).  It looks exactly the same as your dashes.  There should be a difference.

The back window had 

several stickers on it, but she could see what they said.

If she could see them, then tell us.  Perhaps you meant could not see?

Bunny placed the toolbox into the back and rubbed the dog's head. "This is 
Luna," the blonde said to Amy Lynn. "Luna, this is Amy Lynn."

Luna held out her paw, which after a moment, Amy Lynn shook.

 . . . which, after a moment, Amy . . .

Again, commas on both sides of a parenthetical phrase.

"All aboard," Bunny said as she got in. Molly and Amy Lynn got in on the 
other side. Molly in the middle, Amy Lynn by the window. Immeditly, she began 
to feel around for the seatbelt.

'Immeditly' is wrong.  I believe the correct spelling is 'immediately', but won't swear to that.

Bunny's driving skill seemed to be best described as "Pick a direction and 
try not to hit anything. Oh, and use of the brake is forbidden." 

The sad thing is, I've seen drivers like that.  In fact, someone once told me that his father instructed him not to ever use the brake on hills or curves.

for high-speed aircraft. The entire trip, she kept up a stream of chatter 
about anything and everything. Livestock, produce, even the weather, 

Replace the last comma with a period.  I would also join that last 'sentance' to the previous one to eliminate the fragment.  This can be done by replacing the period after everything with either a colon or a dash.

Molly proved to be correct and as the days became weeks, Amy Lynn got used to 
Bunny's haphazard driving. Often, the trip was just into town, and the two 
girls spent time in the general store, listening to the town's old men argue 
and swap stories as they sat on front porch. She even got to meet Rayelene 
Hino, daughter of the county judge, who lived with her grandather, who was t
he preacher at the local church.

Extraneous line break in the middle of a word.

Rayelene's grandfather was a tiny man, scarely over five feet tall, but he 
had a boisterous laugh, and you couldn't help but like him. He and Amy Lynn 
spent several hours one day debating theology. A debate he won, much to Amy's 
chagrin.

Again, this paragraph ends with a fragment.  You can eliminate it simply by joining it to the previous sentance with a dash.

Several weeks later, school started and Juuban Hollow's forty-five or so 
children, ranging in age from six to seventeen gathered in the school 

 . . . six to seventeen, gathered . . .

Another parenthetical phrase.

house, 

a dilapidated scructure on a hill west of town. It was a single room and ran 
by Miss Haruna, a tall, imposing woman whose manner was almost as intense as 
Rayelene's.

I think you want "and run by".  That sounds better for some reason, though I can't recall an exact grammer rule to back it up at the moment.

After Amy Lynn, two new students were introduced. One was Mina, a hyper, 
energetic blond girl who's hair was tied with a red ribbon. In several 

 . . . girl whose hair . . .

"who's" is a contraction for "who is".  The possessive form is whose.

ways, 

she reminded Amy Lynn of Bunny. The second student was Lita, a tall, 
amazon-like girl who looked as though she could lift the schoolhouse off it's 
foundation if she felt like it.

 . . . schoolhouse off its foundation . . .

"it's" is a contraction for "it is".  The possessive form is its.

Once Mina and Lita had taken their seats, Miss Haruna got down to bisinuess. 

I believe that should be spelled business.

"The state says that this year, those of you who are aged fourteen through 
seventeen have to study the life cycle of plants and animals. The folks over 
at Black Mountain Plantation have agreed to let us use their facilities as 
part of this. So, in two weeks class will meet two days a week at Black 
Mountain where you will tend and care for a small herd of sheep, twenty four 
head of cattle, and a small, one acre field of various plants, including 
cotton. 

 . . . a small, one-acre field . . .

Compound adjectives need to be hyphenated.

As Amy Lynn did so, she noticed two things.

The books had been printed nearly forty years ago.

They would be studying Long Division.

*blinks*  Good grief.  I spent four years in southeast Georgia; that's rediculous even for there.  Granted, the school system did a number of rediculous things, but nothing quite that bad.

*****************
Black Mountain Plantation was a huge estate that covered most of the county 
east of Juuban Hollow. The main house, was in fact the mansion Amy Lynn had 
seen when she and her mother first arrived in town.

The main house was, in fact, the mansion . . .

There is no need for a comma between the subject and verb (in fact, placing one there is probably incorrect), but the parenthetical phrase does need to be set off.

 The owner, Ms Abagail 

Beryldane, was a recluse and her four managers did most of the work. 

This is a stylistic choice, but I would replace the word 'and' with a semicolon.

Amy Lynn sighed and pulled on her work gloves. The brown leather was shiny, 
having been purchased the previous day from Molly's mother. Amy Lynn wearing 
one of Bunny's work shirts, old jeans and a pair of work boots with paper in 
the toes to make them fit.

 . . . work shirts, old jeans, and a pair . . .

There should be comma after /every/ item of the list.

Also, that sentance contains no verb.  Amy Lynn was wearing, perhaps?

The students, about twelve or so in all trudged along the dirt path 

 . . . or so in all, trudged . . .

Another parenthetical phrase.

At one edge, Ms Haruna stood with a man dressed in a white, button-down 
shirt, and kahkis.

The comma after shirt is superfluous.  I do not believe there is anything particularly wrong with having it there, but it's not necessary.

I realize that I've made a lot of nit-picky grammar corrections, but realize that I wouldn't be replying at all if I didn't enjoy the story on some level.  Looking forward to see where you take things.

Defender of the Light
Elite Mage
junior member of the Inner Circle of the Mages Council

Contrary to popular opinion, magic and science do mix.

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