Sorry for the delay. Went on a bit of a tear and completed the horribly
rough draft of Chapter 5. Incorperated some of the comments by you and
others, so it should be a bit of an improvement from the previous ones,
although it has a more serious
tone in it than the last 3 chapters or so:

Used most of the grammar comments.

But the feel to Kasumi's room, as pleasant as it was, still made Akane
uncomfortable. It was different enough that it bothered her.

#I've stayed at bed and breakfasts I can imagine.#

Heh. Yeah. It could be that way.

Of course, concessions had to be made with her mother returned to them,
and because it was Akane's wish that had set the events in motion

(although

now that she thought about it, Kasumi bore some responsibility in the

matter

since it had been her suggestion to wish for their mother back), it only
made sense she had to give up her room, but it didn't make her sore back
feel any better.

#It feels as if there is a little too much extrapolation here. Sure, it's
useful to clue in the people who are reading this for the first time but
when you have the final product put together just how much is necesary to
repeat what has gone on in previous chapters?#

It's more to show Akane's current thought patterns than a rehash. It's a
reaction from her POV of what's gone on.

"Why can't she just get back together with Dad the way she was before she
died?" Akane grumbled.

#Something to do with it not happening to Kachi for another ten years in

her

chronology I suppose. There's just no pleasing some people.#

Yes, but this is where we get conflict between what the majority of the cast
wants and what Kachiko wants. And as in many things R 1/2ish, reality tends
to take a backseat when confronted with desire. :)

As it was, her mother was causing far more trouble
than even the usual visitor to the Tendou household, which was doubly

vexing

since her presence should have made everything better instead of worse.

#And going by the standards of the usual visitor that's scary#

Yep. As I mentioned to others that have complained, she can't be dealt with
like the other visitors in the past because she's not like the others.

 She had wished for her mother back, a second parent figure that she

barely

remembered, not someone that wanted to 'hang' with her.
          #not someone who wanted#

#Does Kachi want to hang with her? Other then the "sisterhood of average
busts scene" I haven't seen anything to suggest that.#

Kachiko acts more like a comrade than a mother, is the idea Akane's trying
to express. The reference was what came to be to reflect that.

Throwing an extra bathrobe of Kasumi's over her nightgown, Akane headed
toward the bath.

#Why didn't she bring her bathrobe with her along with the rest of her
clothes when she changed rooms?#

Kachi's using it. She's still very clothing short.

Living in a house with two sisters and three other men meant making a sort
of unofficial schedule for when people could make use of the bath in the
mornings.

#Well... two and a half other men #

Heh

"Oh, please. You might get Daddy and the others to roll over for you, but
that's not going to work on me."

#Kachiko may not be doing very well in the Mommy department but she's
downright terrifying as a fourth sibling.#

Heh. Cute. And you're right.

has the right to accuse her of stealing as well. And by the way, you don't
have a  job, so what's your source of income, besides shaking down time
traveling parents, hmm? Maybe I should be the one accusing you of doing
something wrong."

#How does Kachi know this? She's barely been around for 24 hours.#

Assume during her discussions with the girls, who want to spend time with
her for the most part, this came up. They would have given her a good bit of
information about them and the household a couple of days in. And it's not
like Nabby not having a job is a secret.

in India because of a school field trip, rather than some exotic training
journey. And she hadn't exactly found the temple on her own. It was on a

map

Wakaba had given her that listed the temple as being in the deepest,

highest

part of the Himalayas.

#Deep and High? Wow.

Deepest part of the range.Highest points in that part. :)


And if she wanted to get to the Himalayas without the

chaperones noticing, much, wouldn't it be better to have this class trip

be

in Nepal? #

Okay. Changed.

master of the temple consenting to teach Kachiko the ancient technique of
Brush Fu in return for leaving him alone. When Kachiko returned, Wakaba

had

been so relieved that she broke down and cried hard enough that she had to
be sedated.

#Kid's got the luck of the devil.

Subliminal survival instincts. She wouldn't be here, otherwise. :)

 So when's Wakaba showing up or is it

revealed she's Ma Kuno or someone similar?#

She's not related to anyone. Not saying if she'll show up or not.

"I think she's choking on one of the brushes," Nabiki said casually.

#And how many times has she used this technique since using it. Or did the
guardian just give her a scroll that she speed read?#

"Told you... It was... Dangerous. Only a true... Master... Can use such
techniques... Safely," Kachiko gasped out.

#That explains SO much.#

Yep. :)

"I have enough dangerous things going on in my life without adding

brushing

to it," Akane said firmly.

#But Akane, Dentists are so much more dangerous than Martial Artists.#

More frightening, in any case. Have to go to mine in a month or so.
*Shudder*

"Today's shaping up to be a wonderful day."

"You need to be more upbeat," Akane told Nabiki. It had taken them longer
than usual to finish in the bathroom, put on their clothing and make up,

and

finally head downstairs to the dining room for breakfast.

#Who's saying it's a wonderful day

Nabiki

.. If it's Nabiki is Akane responding to

sarcasm. In which case add a sentence regarding Nabiki's body language.#

Okay. Added something to indicate her attitude.

"People won't think you're a weirdo because we call you Mom," Nabiki
provided.

"Good."

"It'll be for other reasons."

#I don't think Nabiki would go into detail there. Just say Kachiko ignored
the sarcasm.#

Someone else said much the same thing about cutting the last line, while
others laughed at that point.I think that's one of those jokes that could go
either way with the audiance. I think leaving it in would be for the best.

"We'll just say my transfer information must have gotten lost in the mail.
Then we can slip in later and alter my old high school files and make them
into new ones or something," Kachiko said as though breaking and entering
and falsifying records was as natural as walking down the street.

#But considering Soun would be the one who registers his "neice" and it's
usually Nabiki who handles these things in various fanfics Kachi is going

to

have to be very well behaved for at least the next half hour.#

That's not being dealt with here. Just assume it's a minor problem easily
taken care of not worth mentioning.

*You're such a sloppy eater, Boy,* Genma signed as he continued helping
himself yet again to Kachiko's bowl of rice while her attention was
elsewhere.

#And Kachiko hasn't noticed yet? I guess her Martial arts need a little
work.#

Well, she's distracted and not used to someone stealing her food off her
plate. We don't want her to be too perfect, now do we? :)

Ranma rubbed his left cheek with his arm.

"It's on the other side. I'll get it." She grabbed Ranma by the head and
licked the offending grain of rice from his cheek running her tongue far
below where it lay and continuing long after removing it.

#I take it her opinions regarding her romantic skills rival those
considering her skills as a comedienne.#

Well, some men would like that sort of subtlty. :)

Eyes wide with fear, Kachiko said, "I'm hiding from that scary thing. It

had

a huge demon head, and looked evil and had a long snakelike tongue. Didn't
you see it? It was a monster."

#And yet she had no problem with yetis and space aliens?#

Yep. Some abnormal things are fine. Others freak her out.

Nabiki looked under it as well and smirked at the sight. "I thought you

said

true martial artists weren't afraid of anything."

"You've got to draw the line somewhere, and terrifying demon headed things
are over the line. So are tentacle demons." Kachiko shuddered.

#Mom was an extra in La Blue Girl?#

Heh. She keeps drawing lines that end up getting leapt over.

"Keep away!" she screeched and scurried out from under the table and

behind

Ranma. "Protect me!" she shoved him forward.

#Nice to see she's still an operator in times of crisis.#

And not afraid to sacrifice others to protect her hide.

He switched them again. "You be a man."

"I don't have a gender curse so I can't be." She ducked behind Ranma.

#Or you could have Ranma go for the drinking water right now.#

Nah. It's a bit old.

"That's insane!" Kachiko wailed in dramatic fashion as she pleaded to the
skies. "Sixteen is too young to be engaged! You have your whole life ahead
of you! No one should be issued a death sentence when they have so much
potential awaiting them! You haven't learned anything yet about the way

life

really works. You're still changing and growing into the person you'll go

on

to become. It's always a mistake to marry at such a young age. Given the

way

marriages during or right after high school turn out, especially with such

a

high divorce rate,

#How does Kachi know what the divorce rate is at the moment?#

She doesn't. But she sure makes it sound bad, doesn't she? :)

it'll practically guarantee things will end up doomed.
It'll lead to nothing but misery and woe. I absolutely forbid this

travesty

to take place." She slammed her hand down hard enough to nearly crack the
table in half, the look in her eyes an open challenge to those that would
oppose her will..

#the women doth protest too much. Sounds like the Tendo grandparents were
even more hidebound then you have sugested so far.#

At least from Kachi's perspective. More on her thoughts concerning them next
chapter as we get a little more depth to her.

That roused Genma and Soun from the air of lassitude that had begun to
surround them. Together, they got out, "But it would be better if it was
sooner."

#???? You mention later that this takes place after vol 38 which ends the
series with Soun getting it through his thick skull that the marriage

can't

take place until all of the problems are solved.

But do remember that people tend to revert back to type after a little
while. Assume upon further reflection having it happen in under three more
years would be a good thing to the Dads.


For that matter where's

Nodoka in all of this after all if this is the case she's staying at the
Tendos to at this point.

Saotome home has been fixed and she's back there. Genma and Ranma are
staying at the Tendous still to keep Ranma close to his fiancee. Nodoka will
be popping up next chapter, though.

I'll stop being a continuity cop now. It hurts.#

Nah. I actually had those two figured out. They help. I changed the long
hair vs short hair in the picture problem that way by chaing the hair to a
perm.

Kachiko appeared satisfied at the results. "I'd say all the participants

are

in agreement. Oh yes, one last thing. It's a minor matter, really. Since

I'm

a Tendou, I'm qualified to fulfill the promise as well."

#Hah!! I knew she'd think of that loophole! Though I think it would have
worked better earlier#

She was building up to it. The fact she's saying things need to be delayed
shows that as much as she's coming onto Ranma, she hasn't come close to
arbitrarily deciding he's the one for her.

"But you're married to me!" Crying full bore, Soun latched onto Kachiko's
leg like a drowning man thrown a life preserver, which he would actually
soon need with the amount of water his eyes were generating. Kachiko
responded by pounding him on the head, trying to pry him off, shouting

that

she wasn't a paleontologist so she had no interest in 'Old Fossils' and

that

he should release his deathgrip on her leg before she really let him have
it.

#Would be better if you actually provided that dialouge. I wouldnt have
added that much to the page count.#

Nah. It wouldn't be that amusing, since Soun's been doing this for a while.
It seemed too redundent with what happened earlier, to me.

that, but he could have at least had the decency to put up a token protest
about the ultimatum. Instead, he was his usual carefree self without
considering how other people might feel about the matter. Even if said
people were not entirely certain about how they felt.

He could be such a jerk sometimes.

#Sometimes?#

Yep. Occasionally as opposed to all the time. ^_^

That perked Kachiko's interest. "The principal's name is Kunou? You mean
they finally got rid of Principal Faust?"

#A Gaijin left over from the American occupation?#

Nah. Reference to a certain other series. I might parody it or not. Debating
if what I come up with is good enough. We'll get another Faust reference
next chapter.

"All right, maybe Mom, I mean Kachi, is stupid enough to fall for it."

#Boy, you're right. She was the Ranma of her day. Can't wait to see her

play

cards ^-^#

Well, perhaps it has something subtle buried in there as well. Time will
tell. :)

It was at that moment that Kachiko sat up lightning quick, shouting "But

I'm

not a lesbian!" Her head impacted with Akane's hard enough to knock the

bent

over girl backwards and onto her bottom.

#But if she was holding out to get mouth to mouth with you know who

wouldn't

lesbianism remain an issue at the moment?#

Heh. No. Ranma is considered a guy no matter what he looks like.

"Well, we don't have anyone like that," Ranma assured her. "Plenty of

jerks

at school, and energy draining teachers, but no lesbians trying to trick
girls into kissing them."

#At least not this semester#

Heh. True.

"Sounds good to me." Ranma put on her best poker face.

Kachiko punched her in it.

#That sound's a little choppy. Besides, Ranma allowing himself to be a
target a second time? (okay, I know Ukyou, Shampoo and Akane beat the crap
out of him on a regular basis but work with me here.)#

He did knock her in the water, even if it was for revenge. Besides, he
thought she bought the excuse.

She then whipped out a small notebook and spoke
aloud as she scribbled in pencil, "Can't lie worth a damn." And replaced

it

within her blouse.

#Is there anything to the schtick with the notebook or is it just an

ongoing

qiuirk?#

Well, most people don't like you making notes about them, especially
unflattering ones. Saying the unflattering thing out loud makes it worse.
Also shows she can judge Ranma's character pretty good.

"It's different when a girl knocks a guy in the water than when a guy

knocks

a girl in the water. Everyone knows that."

#But Ranma was a girl then.#

Same thing. Ranma is really viewed as a guy, even when he is a girl.

Akane nodded in solemn agreement. "Ask anyone. They'll tell you."

#Someone who agrees with Akane's double standards! This could be the
beginning of a beautiful friendship.#

Heh. Yep. Although the other girls would agree with the sentiment too,

methinks.

Azusa turned on a dime, picked it up, named it Marcelle, and skated up to
Ranma. She looked at the item he held. "It's just a bottle cap."

#Azusa having standards in inapropriate moments? I like it, I like it.

^-^#

Don't think I'd seen that done with her. Considering the number of times she
pops up, this is impressive. :)

"Don't be silly. Of course not. Everyone knows that. Come along, Louis."

#Azusa part of the great conspiracy? what's the world coming to?#

Hell in a handbasket, I'm telling you.

Ranma lunged at the diminutive skater, but she darted into the busy street
to avoid the clutching grasp. Ranma tried to pursue, but her pants fell to
her ankles and she tripped over them, falling facefirst into a pile of

gooey

mud. She remained motionless.

"This just ain't my day," she complained to the ground.

#Much as I'm a huge proponent of Ranma using bad grammar, please be
consistant. I mean she used the correct contraction four paragraphs ago.#

Okay. Changed.

"And there's no concertina wire along the top of the wall either."
               #connecting#

No. It's a type of barbed wire used in delightful places, like gulags, to
keep people from leaving.

"No, M... I mean Kachi."

"Highly trained, genetically enhanced, intelligent guard dogs?"

"None of those either."

#But there are Sharks in the swimming pool.#

Nah. Pirhana. You can put more of them in and they'll be able to attack more
than a handful of people at a time.

"That's the principal," Ranma said dryly to Kachiko.

Kachiko considered that. "It's still an improvement over fascist

dictators."

#Obviously Kachi doesn't know what she's talking about. She's just

standing

in front of the only Facist who prefers sandals over jack boots.#

Heh. No. Principal Kunou is an improvement over Principal Faust.  For one
thing, Faust as a trio of fanatically loyal powerful lackeys to act as
muscle.

She could practically feel the power within him, and there was no doubt he
was holding back, most likely for the Principal's sake. She hadn't

realized

he was that good. That made her a bit wary. She was used to being the top
dog around school, and very much liked that position. She had

automatically

assumed that would be the case here as well. The idea that Ranma might be
stronger irked her, even if she did like him. Martial arts and romance

were

two different things.

#except when it comes to foreplay#

Heh.

"Ranma, make him go away. We shouldn't be letting Kunou harass Mo...

Kachi."

#Why doesn't she do it herself? It's only Kunou. It'll help her bond with
Mom. Besides considering how Kachi reacted to the demon head can you

imagine

what she will feel about large concealed blunt instruments?#

Umm. because it leads in to Ranma's fit of ego? :)

"Aw, come on. She can handle him."

"But I don't want her thinking everyone in the school is as much an idiot

as

him."

#Well, not as much....#

Heh.

"Was that poetry?" Kachiko asked as she stared at the youth in disbelief.

#Wait for it....#

Yep. I tried to conceal it here, but I think most sensed what what was to
come by this time.

"Oh wow! That's so cool. No one's ever made up poetry about me before. Oh
sure, some guys try it, but all they manage to do is stumble over

themselves

and only get out 'You're cute' or something else that anyone can say. But
you do it so well it's really sexy. And you're good-looking too. Do you

have

a girlfriend?"

#Yes!! that is comedey! ^-^#

Thanks. Glad it met with approval.

"And she said she thinks I'm cute. Which means in her eyes Kunou is equal

to

me. Or worse, since she met him after me, that he's even cuter than me. I
refuse to stand for that kind of insult!"

#Ah good the Saotome ego is working just fine.#

Yep. One thing I always like to play up is Ranma's ego. It gets underused a
bit, and is a wonderful tool to use to get him to do foolish things.

Akane trembled in rage. "Mom doesn't understand the situation. She's still
disoriented from her time-travel. I can't let this atrocity happen. Not at
any cost." Akane rushed forward to put a stop to things.

#Ah selective blindness runs in the family after three chapters Akane

still

thinks Kachi's some sort of innocent.#

Can call it wishful thinking. Besides, it's Kunou.

"No, at least, I don't think so. Stupidity isn't contagious. But you don't
know him like I do. He's completely deluded."

"Not that deluded. He thinks I'm attractive."

#Sanzenan Sr thought she was attractive to though. Where exactly does

Kachi

draw the line. Or is it the "Poetry".

Assume Sanzenan Sr. is like Jr. The catch is Icky only says lines to pick up
girls to score with them, then moves on to another conquest. He doesn't
really believe what he's saying. Kunou actually believes what he's spouting,
and isn't fickle that way.

"Then why would you expect him to chase only after you if you keep

rejecting

him?"

#Ahh .... because he's been doing it for the past 38 volumes?#

Nah. He's gone after the pig-tailed girl as well. :)

"It's the principle involved."

A man wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt and a palm tree on top of his head
popped up between the girls. "Dat's right. I be involved since it be my
Little Tachi we be talking about. Now, either of you little wahines want a
tattoo?"

#bahdumbumtish#

Like I said, it's a bad pun.

His attempt to embrace them was interrupted as Ranma booted him in the

head.

"Knock it off, you jerk."

#Why do you keep having Akane needing help in this sequence? She would

have

backhanded Kunou before Ranma had a chance to react.#

She didn't need the help, it was that Ranma got there first And I needed
Ranma to get in the fight so Kachi could make her 'Ranma's acting jealous
and now i'm in a love triangle' line.

hallways, looking for one person in particular. Ordinarily, she could have
taken her time with things, but after the events of the morning, the
predictable misinterpretation of what had happened led nearly everyone to
conclude that Ranma was not only involved with Akane, but Kachiko as well.
Nabiki wondered how Ukyou took the news.

#Not to mention Shampoo. Or certain lost piglets who may have given up on
Akane may still have problems with anyone who 'dares to toy with her
affections.'#

Actually only Ukyou attends the school so only she would hear about it
there. That's why Nabby only thinks of her.

Not that her interest was anything
other than idle curiosity, but it might have made Ranma a touch more
irritable than he was this morning.

#And here I thought she was just being vindictive#

Towards Ranma? No. He didn't do anything.

Miss Hinako, in her younger form, was sitting in her chair. Chocolate

marred

her impish features as she put the candy bar she had been in the middle of
ravenously devouring down. "What can I do for you, Miss Tendou?"

#A little bit more body language might help here did she turn to see who

it

was? did she continue to look towards the window as she glanced at Nabiki
through the corner of her eye?#

Not sure that really adds anything. She's just sitting there, eating, then
starts talking to Nabby.

Hearing Hinako speak her father's name in such a familiar way made even

the

usually stoic Nabiki wince. "Maybe it would be best if someone else told
you."

#Why would Nabiki wince? She was the only of the three daughters who
excepted Hinako as the new Mrs. Tendo (Of course Hinako had bribed her)#

It's to show she doesn't really want Hinako as a stepmother, even if her
bribe price isn't high. And that Hinako still ranks above Kachi, as far as
she's concerned.

Hinako began tugging insistently on Nabiki's skirt. "Tell me! Tell me

what's

wrong with Soun-chan."

#Again with the body language. I thought Nabiki was still leaning in the
doorway. Has she walked towards Hinako's desk or is Hinako doing her usual
run around in circles thing?#

Okay. Have her run up to Nabby now.

Nabiki followed, a smirk on her features.

#Brava! Brava we are  witness to an artist at work!#

Yep. Maximum results for minimal efforts. Kachi will get hers back (though
not as nastily). And then Nabby will get her revenge, and hence we have
continuing conflict. :)

Ranma paled. Reflexively he said, "How did you find out about that? It's
supposed to be a secret."

#Sometimes it's just too easy.#

I figured it would be something he would blurt out there. I think most
people would.

"This is really bad," Ranma lamented.

"Want a tattoo to make it better?"

"Would you go away?!" Ranma booted the Principal out the nearest window.


#Even though you didn't mention the principle of the thing. It still

sounds

like the third time. I think you ran the pricipal joke into the ground

after

the second time.#

I don't know. I like the idea of showing he's persistent.

Hinako turned once more on her heel, the one embedded in Kachiko, and
stomped off.

"Okay, that's a new one," the withered Kachiko weakly moaned.

#Oh nice, very nice and, as Kachi said, it's just the tip of the iceberg.#

Yep. Hinako will be coming back later.

Nabiki came into Kachiko's view, bent low enough so that her face was less
than half a foot away, and said in a voice dripping with delight, "That

was

your new English Teacher. She seems to think you're a rival for Daddy's
affections. She doesn't respond well to rivals. Welcome to your first day

at

Furinkan High School. Hope you enjoy your stay."

#Feels like something's missing there. For starters Nabiki's appearance
seems a tad abrupt. THough she's the right age it's not clear either way

if

Kachi's in the same class as Nabiki.

Yep. She is.

If that were the case you could have

added a bit with Kachi watching Nabiki glare at her from the corner of her
eye.

Nah. Nabby didn't get down there until after Hinako did.

For that matter, if it is the same home room, Kachi has Kuno-chan all

to herself (which would definitely help Hinako maintain her opinion of
her).#

Yep. Which won't make the others too happy, except Kachi and Kunou.

was not the result of people complaining about ANC syndrome. It was always
going to turn out this way. It's whatever has the most humor potential at
any given time, and the Hinako-Kachiko-Soun thing was planned from the
beginning.

#But it still does help keep us from asking this question too often.

Heh

Looking

good so far nice to see that Kachi's presence is providing even more chaos
than usual (and she's only met the minor players of the supporting cast!!)

Well, only a few more are on the slate. I don't want to overload thing. And
like the real series, people only show up when they're useful to the story,
otherwise they might as well cease to exist.

Can't wait to see what happens when she meets Amazons and Okonomiyaki
chefs!!. Not to mention the amount you've mentioned Yumi and Wakabi makes

me

think you're planning to use them for more than just the flashbacks.

Well, this things takes place in the present, not the past. So the majority
of the action will happen here and flashback like in the second chapter will
be kept to a minimum. It's taking me long enough to get everything I want in
here, while trying to keep it amusing, as is.

 Look

forward to find out. Until next time.

Should be a week or two, depending on how long it takes me to revise and
people to get back to me. Most likely next week, would be my guess.Thanks
for the C+C. it's been very helpful

D.B. Sommer

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