In a message dated 8/10/02 6:58:32 PM, galathane@hotmail.com writes:

Sorry for catching the train late. I don't know if you still want critique
on the 2nd draft, but here's some more C&C. Edits are by themselves,
smartass comments are in parentheses. Bits snipped here and there. More
general comments follow.

Usagi: "WAAAAHHHHH!!! I don't WANNA be a redneeeecckkkkk...!!!"

Pluto: "Too bad! Even I can't stop these blasted authors!"

Dad sent flowers, but mom threw them away without even looking at the card.

(Seems a bit harsh.)

It was not a happy parting. 

and I'll say it again. Ice is nice.

(But isn't wetter better? Ami should at least enjoy the ol' swimmin' hole.)

::Coughing fit to cover lemony comment::

Amy Lynn Angela Anderson, sighed

(At least she has the right kind of name for weher she's going!)

Well, her mom is a native. That and the name sort of flows off the tounge.

Here she was, the best student in school, honors program, band,

(What instrument, BTW?)

Dunno. I'll go by popular vote. What instrument should Amy Lynn play in band?

the cafeteria could be combined to create fake

artificial?

A much better word.

(These sentences seem a bit unconnected. Maybe Ami has also reconciled

simple chemistry with quantum physics while she was washing her hands before

dinner, but still...)

I'm sort of trying to get into the head of a top-level genius like Amy.

And Doctor Knight was fairly good looking as well she supposed. If you
went for that sort of thing.

(Uh...insert sweatdrop here)

Hee hee hee.

Boys? Nope. Girls? No way. High end science? Break out the home video camera. 
It be movie time!

(In the immortal words of Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Goodbye, city life!")

Zsa Zsa was a wise woman in many ways.

(Ahah! I sense a potential plotpoint.)

"Juuban...Mom, Juuban is a Japanese word."

Potential nuthin! All my plot points are intentional. Even if they don't look 
like plot points.

(Is it? "Jyu" is "ten", I think, which is why in the anime you see signs
saying "10-ban", but I don't know itf the name of the area is a "word"
by itself.)

Beats the hell out of me.

(Okay...this is a wee tad bit difficult to buy into. I can see
Japanese-Americans wanting a new start after the war. But to move from
the West coast to the American SOUTH? I guess the premise needs an 

explanation

of some kind, though. Maybe Juuban Hollow is in the Florida panhandle.
I've heard that there's a pretty high tolerance for odd stuff thereabouts.)

My reasoning was twofold.

A)Keep the name of the Senshi's home district so that the parody is more fun.

And B) I needed to back up the name and it made sense that they would want to 
get far, far away from where the camps were.

(Ah, the things we do to get that particular monkey off our backs! But
to be honest, this kind of country practice doesn't seem like much of a 

career

move. Now, if Doc Anderson were a VET, that would be a different story.
A rural veterinary practice is a real prize, even in a poor area.)

True...

("Yeah, Mom, I'll adjust the AIR CONDITIONER.")

"Don't be silly, Dear. There's no air conditioners in Juuban Hollow...Though 
Mister Brown did have a swamp cooler when I left."

"AAAAAUGGGGHHHHH!"

(Life is simple here in Grover's...oh, sorry, wrong script!)

Heh.

At the far end of town, her mother pulled into the driveway of a large

wooden structure in better condition then most. A second story rose from the
back

(Oh, we're movin' on up...)

Don't. You don't want to hear me sing.

and in the distance, she could see a hill and what looked like a mansion

atop

it. A mule was grazing on some grass near the front door and regarded

them

with curious indifference

can indifference be curious? interested disinterest?

More like; "What's this? Oh. Humans."

(You don't usually see the mule in the FRONT yard, even in the South,
especially when you have a driveway.)

Usually...

This was actually inspired by my friend's mule Clementine, who does live in 
her front yard. Granted, said front yard which is really more like the 
driveway/parking area is several hundred sqaure feet of gravel and grass...

(Yikes! He's discovered the recipe for scumble!)

Nah, down here, it's what folks call cider. =)

(Ah, it's clear this Midwestern transplant hasn't been down home for quite
a long time if she calls it a "soda"!)

Well it has been close to twenty years or so considering she put things aside 
to raise Amy Lynn. For reference, what do they call it down there?

to treat an injury by drinking more beer."

(Hey, there ain't no problem you can get into by drinkin' too much beer
that you can't set right by drinkin' more beer!)

Hear, hear.

They vanished inside, leaving Amy Lynn to her own devices.

(Which include, probably, an electron microscope, a centrifuge, a portable
spectroscopy kit...)

You forgot the diesecction kit. Them toad frogs is good eatin.

(Starts major sweatdropping -- I see that Amy, uh, notices quite a bit
about Bunny's appearance. Combined with her, shall we say, lack of physical
attraction to Doctor Knight, it creates the impression that... Er, not
that there's anything wrong with that... But is it intentional?)

[Tigger]The wonderful thing about fanservice, is that fanservice is a 
wonderful thing![/Tigger]

(Except for the drinkin' the swearin', the scopin' out hot country girls,
the youma rasslin'...)

You forgot the moonlight tractor races

I lie. This place is horrible. The library's books are out of date

(They have a library???)

Of sorts. More on that in the third draft.

For writing this fic, know that you will end your days alone and afraid!

*Shrugs* The F-14 tomcats bearing Napalm will probably get me first.

Seriously: BWA HA HA HA HAAAAA...

::Bows::

Somewhat more seriously: Good start, but a little short on incident and
detail. The setting is the real attarction, and more could be said to bring
it out in our imaginations. What time of year is it? The dusty days of
summer, for instance...that calls for appropriate sensory detail.

True enough.

It's hard to distinguish between Amy Lynn's journal entries and the
narrative. Set them off more clearly from each other.

A bit hard in plain text. I divided them with a line of *'s

Though now that I think about it, it sort of works. We are seeing Juuban 
Hollow through her eyes.

Bunny gets no dialogue! Apart from the physical description, which doesn't
mention her hairstyle (!) she is a pretty nebulous presence. She shows
Amy Lynn around, but we don't see anything of this scene or their 

introduction

to each other!

Bunny starts speaking in the next chapter. 

A few good potential directions have been set up for
development...

A few? [Tweety] He don't know me very well, do he?[/Tweety]

I look forward to more!

And more there will be! HUZZAH!

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