--On 8/5/02 4:53 PM -0400 Sam Vilsmeier wrote:
Once Ranma was silence, Hotaru clenched her fists and violently shook
her head. "No!" she cried, and she looked Haruka dead in the eyes,
"What are you doing here?! Why did you come here?"
Woohoo! Go Hotaru! :-)
In an instant Haruka was in Ranma's face looking him directly in the
eyes. "You bastard! What gives you the gal to even *think* about asking
that question?! You want to know what you did!? I'll tell you what you
did!"
gal -> gall
Ranma scowled, and pushed Haruka, causing her to put some distance in
between them. "I'd no control over what happened. I was drunk, and so
was Hotaru...." he paused for a moment, and sighed. "I'm stuck between
a rock an' a hard place here. If I don't marry here, you'll kill me...
...marry her...
Ranma scoffed. "Haruka, you couldn't beat me if I was blind folded, my
arms were tied behind may back, you couldn't beat me!" Suddenly, a
Bit redundant there.
thought raced through Ranma's mind, and he added, "Hell, ya'd have ta
transform ta give me a decent workout!"
Good heavens! A deduction! I'm a bit surprised, actually. :-)
Haruka growled. "Trust worth me ass... the little bastard just blabbed
in a public place."
Trust worth -> trustworthy
"Well, your either a real baka, soaking blows even though ya can't take
'em or ya got some kinda huge magical handicap."
your either -> you're either
"No real fighter needs some skimpy cheerleaders outfit to fight stuff
in. All it does is give ya a free boost. Power should be earned, ya
should just get it! Getting' power for free kinda drains the value, and
in your case, it's making ya get sloppy."
...shouldn't just get it...
Ranma nodded, "Yeah, I do. You got potential, and even not that I know
what you two are, I still don't think your quite good enough as is."
...even now that...
Haruka's smiled faded, replaced by annoyance. "Whys that?"
Why's that
"Please do..." Haruka's voice dropped a decibel, and she stared Ranma
in the eyes coldly, "Listen, for Hotaru's sake I'm trying my best to
act congenial, but you are trying my patients and my self control...
Don't piss me off."
patients -> patience
Ranma smiled and stood up. "Hotaru, are you finished."
...finished?"
"Good. Now there were all done, lets go..."
"Good. Now that we're all..."
Hotaru gawked at Ranma. His father stool food of his plate
...off of his plate?
"Yep, while he probably came up with it to fill his fat stomach it does
work." replied Ranma.
...stomach, it...
Hotaru eyes narrowed. The more she heard about Ranma's Old Man, the
more she despised him. Staling food from the mouth his own child...
what kinda of depraved individual was he?
..mouth of his own...
"I suddenly feel like accepting you sister offer for training wasn't
such a good idea," relied Haruka in an unsure tone.
...your sister's offer...
Ranma smirked, "I get it all the time... get used to it. Lets go."
Lets -> Let's
"No, she told everyone else. Rei told your Mama and I. She said you
tricked into going into a love hotel with a pervert."
...you were tricked...
"So, what ya wanna do how, Hotaru?" inquired Ranma.
how -> now
Hmm. It seemed like maybe Haruka backed down a bit easy. But then she's
the Sailor of Never-say-die-Never-back-down. Any time she admits a mistake
is going to seem out of character. :-)
Seems to me that that may have been a good point for them to reveal the
truth about 'Ranko', but obviously you have some plan for that in future.
I suggest removing most of the Ranko/sister references to avoid trying
attention to it until then. I'd also expect Haruka to hit the roof about
Ranma telling 'Ranko'--how trustworthy can he be if the first thing does
after learning their secret is tell somebody else?
Looking forward to the next one. :-)
Jim