Skyrocket wrote:

God help me, I've decided to wrote a romance. A
Keitaro/Kitsune romance to be exact.

Well, I'm a Mutsumi fanboy myself, but I like Kit too.

 Do you see what

being around you people has done to me?

Hmm. AU, taking it from the middle of the series, or is it post Specials?

Foxheart
By
Skyrocket

Now let us drop a pebble into this stream. A pebble
by the name of Mitsune "Kitsune" Konno, also a Hinata
resident and Naru's best friend since her high school
days. Free-spirited, fun loving, uninhibited and a
natural-born instigator with a penchant for sake,
Kitsune is about as fine an example of a pebble as one
could ever hope for.
Now that the pebble has been cast into the stream let
us see where destiny flows.

Almost sounds AUish, but uncertain up till now. Bit wordy for the intro,
IMO. On the other hand, I've worked the the pepple anaology a lot, and might
be more exposed to it than most.

~*~


January 1, New Year's Day
Hinata City, Japan


In Japan it is the tradition on New Year's Day to
visit a local temple to pray for good fortune in the
new year. Considering that if he didn't get into Tokyo
U this year it would mean facing a third year as a
ronin, Keitaro Urashima figured a little divine
assistance couldn't hurt. As he stood before the front
of the shrine he prayed to any deity that would listen
for their aid.
"Please, help a poor ronin out!" prayed Keitaro. "If
I don't get into Tokyo U I'll never be able to reunite
with the girl from my promise. Plus, the girls from
the house, especially Shinobu, will be disappointed in
me!"

Interesting he singled her out. OTOH, he does seem aware she looks up to
him.

     After he felt he'd sufficiently petitioned the
gods for their help Keitaro

help, Keitaro (I think)

turned back to his other

main reason for coming to the temple. Nearby at one of
the temple's other buildings were the girls of the
Hinata House.
      Keitaro had originally planned to spent

spend

 this

day, as he did most days, studying to get into Tokyo
U. But a little prodding from Kitsune and the promise
of seeing the girls in traditional New Year's kimonos

The real decideing factor. :)

had convinced him that taking a break from studying
might not be so bad. Motoko had already left for the
temple by that time but the sight of Kitsune, Su and
Shinobu wearing kimonos had pretty much made up for
that.
      As lovely as those three had looked it was the
possibility of seeing Naru in tradition

traditional

dress that

made Keitaro's heart skip up

I'd drop 'up' and leave it as 'skip a beat'

beat. Sadly, just as

Keitaro was daydreaming about that image Naru had
shown up wearing a normal skirt, a worn orange
sweatshirt she was particularly fond of, and some very
think

thick

      He was slightly surprised to see that Makoto was
giving small but genuine smiles to her customers.
She'd also swapped the kendo training uniform she
usually wore for a shrine maiden's outfit. Motoko is
certainly something of a traditional girl, thought
Keitaro. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she'd
enjoy something like this. It's shame she doesn't
smile more often.

I'd do something to offset his thoughts since they're almost like dialogue
here.

Not far from Motoko Su, Naru, Kitsune and Shinobu were
examining the fortunes they'd just bought.
"Wow, mine say I'm going to have the best luck!"
cheered Su.
"I got medium luck," said Naru, sounding fairly
satisfied.

Heh

 > Shinobu was about to reply to the older girl's comment

when she caught site of Keitaro approaching. Shinobu,
having just turned thirteen, was experiencing her
first crush with Keitaro as the unknowing recipient of
her feelings. Though terribly nervous when dealing
with these feelings Shinobu was doing the best she
could. The idea of getting to enjoy herself with him
at the New Year's festival was part of the reason
she'd come today. Since everyone seemed to be enjoying
getting their fortunes told the young girl plucked up
her courage and called out to Keitaro.
"Sempai! Why don't you come and get your fortune too?"
"I was just coming to do that," replied Keitaro.
"Thanks though, Shinobu"

"Thanks," thought Shinobu.

Lot of basic grammar errors here. You really need to look these over once or
twice.

"Urashima, I feel it only fair to warn that the
fortunes from this shrine have long had a reputation
for coming true," said Motoko. "If you were to draw
ill luck it would be most unfortunate for you."

Heh.

Not that I noticed your kimonos. Well, I noticed them
but not in the way you're thinking about. I was just
thinking--"
"Relax," interrupted Kitsune. "You're normal young man
with a guy's urges. There's nothing wrong with you
enjoying the sight of four nice looking

nice-looking

But Kitsune ignored him as she read the fortune. She
then turned back to Keitaro with a bemused look on her
face. "Don't tell me this has you all bent out of
shape. I admit it's sorta odd as fortunes go, but it
doesn't seem that bad to me."
"It 'doesn't seem bad' to you?!" Keitaro repeated. "It
mentions disaster twice. Twice!"
"It also mentions happiness and being rewarded. You're
making it sound all bad."

yes, by Kei boy is used to getting the bad rather than the good delivered
all the time.

"It sounds to me like this year everything will either
be one of the best of my life or a total disaster,"
said Keitaro nervously. "No middle ground. A weird
fortune like that isn't something I want to bet my
future happiness on."
  "Ah ha! So you admit this fortune has you worried,"
replied Kitsune.

I'd drop the 'replied Kitsune'. She and Kei are the only ones here, and
there's no need to reidentify her.

After a moment's hesitation Keitaro nodded. "I know it
sounds silly. But I've been really happy since moving
into the Hinata and I don't want anything rocking the
boat. Plus, the Tokyo U entrance exams are coming up
and I don't need any 'strange luck' when it comes to
them."
"If that's really what you want why don't you tie this
fortune to a branch on one of those trees over there,"

there?"

"You should be happy," smirked Kitsune. "There are
loads of guys in this town who'd love to get their
head between my legs."

Hmm. That seems a bit crude, even for her.

good things could happen to you too, right?"
Keitaro nodded. "Right. I don't have a gambler's
spirit when it comes to my future happiness.

Nice way to put it.

interesting? she thought. Keitaro doesn't seem to want
to share on this topic so I'll let it drop for now. I
can always figure a way to get the whole story out of
him later anyway.
"Okay, the gal of your dreams aside, what about Tokyo
U?" continued the girl. "I know you're

your

Just then a loud growl could be heard coming from
behind the two. Startled, Keitaro and Kitsune whipped
around to see someone wearing a large lion mask that
was normally used in New Year's parades. Before either
could speak the mask lifted to show the face beneath
it.
"Hi, guys!" greeted Su in her most energetic voice.

Of course.

"Su?!" gasped Keitaro. "What in the world are you
doing wearing that thing?"
"Motoko told me that when someone gets bitten by one
of these lions they get happiness for a whole year,"
informed the foreign girl. Su then gave Keitaro the
sort of grin she normally used for looking at a tasty
meal. "Since you've been so nice to me lately I'm
gonna bite you so you be happy all year, Keitaro!"
"Oohh, a biter. Why doesn't it surprise me that Su's
that type?" teased Kitsune.
"Kitsune! Don't say such things to Su!" flared Keitaro
in embarrassment. "She's only thirteen!"

Only in her mind. :)

   Kitsune was about to reply when Naru grabbed
Keitaro by the arm of his coat and started to lead him
any. "Come on, pervert. We need to study our
geography."
"We'll see you all in a couple of hours," called
Keitaro as he and Naru headed into the crowd.

Intersting story, but a bit too minimal for my taste. It almost reads as 'He
said, she said, he did, they did.' I'd draw it out a bit, maybe intergrate
some of the thoughts so that they don't read as dialogue and thngs of that
nature. Sorry I'm vague about it. It is good and an intruiging idea.

D.B. Sommer

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