Thermopyle wrote:
Another 30 page chunk. This story went from page 37 early last month to
page 85 (A lot! 100 is just around the corner!) now. That's a lot, ain't
it? Plus a few pages of Back on Earth to finish that chapter, and... 12
pages on my new Ranma/MKR xover (which I'm only working on after my GR fix
every day, of course, the first chapter will be out soon). So... when a
month has passed since I started the 1000 words a day thing, I will be over
70 pages within that time frame. That's assuming I started on the
fourth(when I usually update my page), when I think it was a few days later.
Makes a big difference, writing a set amount every day. It really does!
^_^;
Anyway, here is more. Don't think many of you are reading this, but for
those who are, same thing applies: this is a rough draft, so any comments on
the story flow, characterization, whatever, are certainly requested and
appreciated. Now, on to the fic:
Since I'm one of those who are (and avidly) I'll see what I can do in the
way of commentary.
Ranma belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. Noir is written by Ryouei Tsukimura and
directed by Kouichi Mashimo.
Gensou Rakuen
By Thermopyle
Thermopyle.anifics.com
#####
Ranma pulled the post up out of the ground and pushed some of the
surrounding sand over the knives he'd hidden underneath. Then he dug
another hole a foot away from its predecessor and shoved the end of
the post into it before packing sand up against the sides to hold the
wood upright. The sand was dry and didn't pack well, instead just
seeming to settle easily to wherever he pushed it, so he just piled
the stuff onto the base as best as he could. After giving it a few
experimental shoves, he deemed his target stable enough to use.
You have a lot of really nice description in this story, and it flows
well. It's one of the things that keep me coming back.
Good as they were, his belly still felt like it sloshed of liquid
after binging on the things. A change of provisions would be nice.
Something heavier and more substantial, like rice or noodles, maybe
some fish or even a beef bowl. Cup ramen would be wonderful.
Ranma wondered if they had any of that in France, and where in France
it would be, since it wasn't here.
He glimpsed over at the Manor again, and this time a lack of
motionlessness was present. Chloe was exiting the building.
Odd way of phrasing that.
She looked angry at the advance but moved to meet him. A blade was in
each hand and she was in a knife-fighter's stance, something he'd only
seen once before when his father had gotten into a drunken brawl with
someone who was fond of making stabbing gestures. She held the side
of her body towards him, left arm leading with knife extended and the
right hovering in front of her torso, waiting for a chance to twist
her body towards him and plunge the knife into his stomach or neck or
something else that was soft necessary for Ranma's well being. Ranma
made the mental adjustments to compensate for Chloe's extra range.
'soft necessary' should probably be 'soft and necessary'
She turned that movement into a forward lunge, knife leading in a
full-body motion with her weight emphasized on the attacking arm and
shoulder. Ranma used his left hand to deflected her arm, knocking it
deflected = deflect
Chloe's right arm being knocked wide put more pressure on her left and
he could feel more of her weight pulling on her trapped arm. She
yelled out in pain again. Ranma pushed down on her elbow, bringing
the wrist and forearm further up and extending Chloe's whimpers. He
stepped to the inside of her arm, his foot wrapping about her ankle,
and released the elbow. His body keeping the elbow pinned in place,
he used his free hand to wrench Chloe's knife away. Then he used the
girl's twisted arm to push her away. His ankle caused her to go to
the ground and he stepped back cautiously. The knife slipped into one
of his pockets.
You use elbow three or four times in this description, a couple of times
almost right next to each other. You might want to vary that a little
bit.
Grinning again, he leaned forward to poke her behind the knee, then
yanked himself backwards just in time to avoid Chloe's swiping at him
with another knife as her left arm came slicing out from behind the
cloak. When she missed Chloe pushed herself off the ground with her
right arm, springing forward to try to stab at him again with the
left.
Persistant, isn't she? Her arm can't be feeling too good though, since
if I recall correctly she was still partially wounded, and it just took
a lot of punishment.
Ranma twisted frantically and knocked her arm to his right, giving
Chloe who was smiling fiercely the opportunity to turn with the force
and bring in her other hand, which also had a knife now. She was
still moving forward and that gave her enough speed that he couldn't
block or deflect the blow in time. He twisted and the knife thrust
most of its length into his left arm.
This seemed a lot more serious than it appears later on right here.
"Ow! That HURT!" he yelled at her. Chloe tried to pull the knife
back so he let her, then grabbed her wrist with his left hand before
she could stab him again. His arm was weak and he could feel blood
running down it, but he yanked on her wrist, bringing her right up
against him before she could try anything with the other arm. He
smashed his forehead into her face and she was knocked backwards, off-
balance from trying to knee him in the groin.
Naughty, naughty.
His arm pleaded with him to release her wrist but Ranma ignored the
whiny bastard and kept at it. Chloe still hadn't recovered when he
punched her in the stomach. This time she wasn't ready for it and she
was pushed back, folding forwards slightly. Her face was white and
she struggled to breathe, but she still tried to bring the other knife
around to cut at him.
Ranma twisted and moved forward underneath her extended arm, yanking
it up behind her back. He could feel her chest heaving as she
struggled against him, still unable to pull in air. She stomped on
one of his feet, her heal crushing him into the stone beneath. Ranma
yelled in pain and shoved her away. The edge of her knife sliced his
hand as she pulled it to in front of her. He took a few steps back
and she turned around and did the same, glaring at him triumphantly.
Artena should have taught her not to count her chickens before they
hatch :)
Ranma looked at his hand. A long cut ran the length of his palm. It
wasn't too deep but blood was running freely from the wound, mixing
with what had already coated his arm from when she'd stabbed him just
before. Chloe's knives were very sharp and it hadn't hurt much at
first, but where his arm had been punctured he could now feel the
buzzing of a million invisible bees as they began to dig into his
flesh, working their way into him, an invasion of spreading stings and
chewing insects.
He let his arm drop and the blood fell to the floor a tiny bit at a
time, the trickle slow but steady, that of the leaking milk caused by
a full baby who still sucks habitually at teat. Red paint dripped
similarly from one of Chloe's knives, gripped caressingly, reverently
in a tiny fist. The other knife was handled with disdain, scorn, and
it screamed in jealousy and a desire to prove itself. Chloe seemed
willing to give it another chance.
He curled his fist. "You cheated," Ranma accused. She had.
"Pretending to cry like that, jeez, that was low."
She smirked in response. "Anything-Goes. There are no rules, right?"
That always rang false to me to tell the truth, I don't know if Ranma
would agree here.
"...Yeah. Just remember that." His smile made his head feel tight.
The bees were spreading. He had a special attack he could use now.
An appropriate one. One Chloe deserved.
Ranma jumped forward to attack, his right hand coming up sharply,
releasing the knife he'd pulled out of a pocket. It was aimed
correctly and Chloe was forced to dodge, losing her stance in the
hasty step to the side. She stepped right into his other attack. His
left hand flung forward, snapping open as it jerked to a halt at the
end of his reach, and collected blood spat itself at Chloe. She
barely had time to flinch, to stop it from getting into her eyes, but
it still splashed all over her face and forehead, running down, thick
red opaqueness hampering her vision with a salty sting of not-quite-
sweat.
Not really what I was expecting, but it works :)
Artena had been surprised at her discovery. Her smile had seemed sad,
then, and Chloe was sure she was going to be told to put the cloak
back where she'd found it. Instead, Artena told her what it was for,
and that she could use it if she was very careful. The older woman
hadn't said who had used it previously, and Chloe hadn't asked. But
she wondered.
I still haven't quite figured Artena out.
Crouching was hell. Each thump of the fuel lines contracting was a
crushing blow designed to torment. She almost wished for her leg to
This metaphor doesn't work well for me, you might want to just cut it
and possibly a couple of the others. They were getting a bit excessive.
fall off so that her knee would stop hurting. But if it did she
wouldn't be able to keep her balance when doing this, so she suffered
willingly. She would clean the cloak.
(Switching to a different format, Netscape doesn't like long emails when
replying)
disappointment at her failure to be Noir, and her failure to keep the
cloak, whoever it belonged to, from getting damaged. The tears and
thin runs of snot that dripped off her chin weren't all because of an
injured knee.
# What a pretty picture.
Artena's eyes studied her up and down, measuring, taking everything
in. No surprise was evident, the woman just stood there, taller and
prettier and better than Chloe would ever be, looking at her as though
she had expected Chloe to show up with such a bedraggled appearance.
# Is this inferiority complex something they did to Chloe deliberately or
did it just kind of spring up?
But Chloe wanted to get the job done before Artena returned to see her
in the middle of another unhand led mess, so she kept at it. Each bit
of inflicted pain her knee could throw against her was met with a
# extra space in 'unhandled'
"No, Artena-sama. Not since he left earlier." Where was he? She
hadn't seen him walked towards the coliseum. Maybe she'd missed it,
reading her book, but she didn't think she had. He couldn't have been
eating grapes the whole time. Chloe was pretty sure he couldn't have.
# walked = walk
A few grapes can taste great, but Ranma was beginning to suspect that
there was some kinda aftereffect to eating the things. A few, no
problem. A lot, they start to get old. Eat hundreds of the things
for days on end, though, and you about die. It felt like that one
time he'd eaten two pounds of butter, yuck. He'd never touched the
stuff again, and never would, either.
# I did that with syrup once, drank a whole bottle. Like Ranma, I can no
longer stand the stuff :) I do imagine that eating only grapes for days
on end can't be too healthy though.
"'The boy swore that he would return before it was too late, and set
off to find the evil diver. He knew it would be a long, dangerous
trip, but the alternative was too horrible to bear. The boy would
succeed!'"
Ranma listened intently. This was much better than the stories his
father told about growing up to run a boring dojo!
# Heh.
# This section of the story stretched out a little bit, but it was still
fairly interesting. I'm looking forward to the next section.