Mostly grammatical corrections, C&C at the end.

Before he could say anything - before he could think about what to 
say - the conversation had deteriorated again into argument.  More 
polite this time, more cordial this time, 

Drop the second "this time".

as Belldandy held her 
ground while her sisters did the same, only now trying desperately 
to prevent a repeat performance of last night's debacle.
Keiichi was having one of those mornings.
---
It resorted to Belldandy unexpectedly isolating herself in her 

resorted to : ended with

room, at the first opportunity that Urd and Skuld began to 

room at the first opportunity, when

instinctively argue between each other.  Keiichi returned just 
upon their realization that they had let their sister get away 

upon their realization : as they realized

"What kind of a man are you?" Urd demanded, "Are you afraid that 
she will hate you?"

He gasped, but quickly recollected himself.  For once Urd had got 

recollected : collected

"Oh, dammit," he said quietly, gathering his bearings in the real 
world.  From his position on the ground, he searched for the 
wrench that had skipped some distance away from him.

"Here you are," Belldandy said, once picking the tool off the 

said, once picking : said, picking

The goddess reached for Keiichi's hands, and eagerly held them 
tight.  It naturally made his heart grow wings and start to fly, 
but given everything he had to be just a bit more cautious.  On 
any other occasion, Keiichi would not have hesitated for a number 
of heartbeats.  Still, the choice would have been the same.

Difficult paragraph. I had to read it 3 times to figure out what was
going on.

---
"So, what are we doing here?"

"Anything we want."

"I don't understand."

"Here, no one can disturb us."

"Yeah, I know, but here--?"

By this moment, Urd and Skuld would have long found out that they 
were gone.

Maybe something like "Urd and Skuld had undoubtedly realized some
time ago that they were gone."?

That's alright, Keiichi thought; if yesterday was any 
indication, it would be difficult to find him and Belldandy.  And 
amongst the various, bustling crowds at the local fair, the two of 
them blended in with all the rest.

The area was nestled inside a park, with only the tallest rides 
and attractions - and an occasional balloon that had been let go 
by a child - rising above the trees.  At the heart of the 
fairgrounds sat a small lake, surrounded by a dirt path that made 
for a lovers' paradise, a place for couples to share their 
affection within a scene of beauty.

"Keiichi," Belldandy said, "What's wrong?"

He gave a quick look around at all the romantic pairs around 
him. "Nothing, I just--" Keiichi said, before looking back.  
There, at the edge of the lake, on a patch of green grass, sat 
Belldandy, with her hand outstretched.

"Come here," she said, "Sit down."

Confidence welled up in the goddess' eyes as Keiichi saw a side of 
her that he had seldom seen when it came to the two of them.  As a 
goddess, a sister, and at times a fighter, Belldandy often took 
charge with wisdom and resolve.  As his partner and best friend, 
things were always a bit more innocent, and a whole lot simpler.  
Today, however, seemed to be a very different day.

Keiichi sat down right next to her, hand in hand. "Is this what 
you wanted?"

"Mm-hmm," Belldandy replied.

He smiled back at her, liking where the whole situation was 
going. "So," he said, "What was it that you were trying to tell 
me?"

The goddess clutched his hand a little tighter.  They both looked 
down, and then at each other.

"This is what I want," she said.

Keiichi smiled, not quite knowing how to react to such feelings.  
All this time, he was still no good at it.  He searched for words, 
and images of the morning came to the surface.  The breakfast, the 
argument, the clash with Urd...

The words let themselves out of his mouth. "Are you sure?" he said.
Belldandy broke their contact, pulling her hand towards her.  She 
looked at him strangely, saying, "What do you mean?"

He caught himself, mouthing the words to make sure he had said 
what he thought he said.  A look of dumbfoundedness played all 
over his face, as he stumbled for yet more 
speech. "I...I...well..."

"I thought you understood," Belldandy said sternly, "Or at least 
that you respected what I wanted."

"Yes, I do!" Keiichi replied, "It's just that...your sisters, 
they're worried that--"

"Do you believe them?"

He was taken aback, "What?"

"Do you believe them?"

Belldandy looked at him.  She glared into his eyes, searching for 
honesty, and Keiichi couldn't betray her. "I-I don't know."
Disappointment was read all over the goddess, and quickly she shot 
up and turned away.

"Even you don't understand what I'm going through!" she cried, 
right before storming off.

Keiichi heard his own labored breathing.  For the very first time, 
their relationship was treading through unsteady territory.  No 
relationship was perfect, of course, but that was no consolation 
to him, as he quickly followed after her.
---
One after the other, Belldandy and Keiichi zig-zagged through the 
pairs of lovers down the path, and his chase after the goddess led 
them back onto the main fairgrounds.  Belldandy's newfound 
mortality, however, made the pursuit rather shortlived, as she was 
the first to stop for air after a winded run.

Belldandy pressed her hand against an upright surface, feeling the 
beating of her heart with the other hand.  Keiichi was not far 
behind in catching up to her.

"Belldandy," he said once he drew near.

The goddess still searched for breath, saying, "I'm sorry."

"I probably shouldn't have--"

"No," she replied, looking up at him, "I was overreacting.  I 
guess I still need time to sort everything out."

Keiichi returned her smile once she stood upright again, but still 
showed concern. "Is this what you really want?"

"Yes!" she replied with great resolution, despite her emotions 
being all jumbled.

"But why?" he asked, "You must be suffering, trying to adapt to it 
all.  And you can be a goddess again, so why--"

"Does it go away?" Belldandy replied, "The suffering, does it go 
away?"

He paused before giving an answer. "Well, yeah," he said, "But you 
don't have to put up with the trouble."

"I want to."

"Why?" Keiichi asked again, insisting on a real response, "There 
must be something."

Belldandy gently touched his cheek, smiling softly at Keiichi.  It 
took her a moment to frame the words together. "It's--" she 
started to say, "It's because of--"

Suddenly, a dust cloud kicked up in front of them, at the exit of 
an attraction of which all the children stormed out.  They acted 
as rowdy as children should, running right through and past 
Keiichi and Belldandy, in the way of the next ride.  An instant 

Maybe "who were standing in the way of the next ride."?

Yet, to hear her speak was nearly frightening as it was 
fascinating.  It was not just listening to Belldandy say that she 
almost enjoyed hitting Sayoko for a few unkind words, though that 
was what really made Keiichi that he was getting in over his head.

Keiichi that : Keiichi realize that
 

Belldandy's sudden desire to do something impulsive slowly 
disappeared as she and Keiichi waited in a moving line for the 
mini-roller coaster.  She watched the passengers zoom by, moving 
up and down and turning in all directions at an unnerving pace.  
In her stomach was that feeling again.  Fear.  Adversity.  But for 
as long as she could remember, Belldandy had never backed down 
from anything in her life. 

Drop "in her life." It's redundant.

It is only now, in her current state, that she had felt this 
threatened.

is : was

"Alright, alright!" Keiichi said, laughing but all the while 
trying to comfort her, "I guess there are risks.  That's why some 
people don't ride roller coasters, it makes them afraid."
Belldandy asked curiously, "What about you?  Don't you have any 
fears?"

You need a blank line before Belldandy. 

"Well," she replied, trying to get it all out while catching her 
breath, "It was so terrifying at first, and for a moment, I didn't 
believe that I would make it, but...it just became so exciting!"

"Yeah," he said, "I guess that last turn did everyone skip a beat."

Not quite sure what this is supposed to say.
 

"You never needed to anything more to make me happy."

to anything : to do anything

Keiichi focused on her lips, drawing closer for a kiss.  He 
couldn't possibly disappoint her, so he held her chin before 
making his move.

"Wait!" Belldandy cried, and broke away.  She giggled 
nervously, "I'm sorry!"

"It's OK, it's OK," Keiichi replied.  He was beginning to get used 
to being this close without actually having it.

She shied away, "I believe I still have more to learn."

For some reason, this scene was the most surprising part of the fic
for me. Belldandy refusing an advance from Keiichi? That was more
surprising than the slap to Sayoko, the arguments with Urd or Skuld,
running away from Keiichi, any of it. Not OOC considering the premise
of the story, just surprising.

Overall, I enjoyed the story though usually I shy away from this sort
of storyline. This one works for some reason, I'm not sure why.  

Brian W.


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