[Blasted AOL mailer made me split the email in two...]
Sorry to take so long, but here's the C&C.
Please remember, most corrections and opinions
are IMHO only, even if I sound like I'm speaking
ex-cathedra.
Ludicrous Configuration! Productions
Presents
A Neon Genesis Evangelion Alternate Universe
By JJ Corley
Woo-Hooo! Another chapter of HD! It's been too long...
"I said: 'Kiss me, you're beautiful' - These are truly the last
days."
School was boring. Very boring. One week into school and Shinji
had to admit that Rei was right - Kurasawa-sensei only taught one
subject.
"...And so the restoration of man into the second half of the
twentieth century began..."
Geez, even in an alt-verse, this guy doesn't change. There's no
justice...(:)
But, "twentieth century"? IIRC, 2nd Impact happened in 2000, the *last*
year
of the 20th, so wouldn't he refer to the "first half of the 21st century"?
Shinji ignored him, directing his attention and a hostile gaze
to the computer built into his desk. It glared back, threatening him
with its digitally rendered lines of kana. There was a message for him.
Nice descrip. I might substitute "at" for "to", but either works, IMO.
And, it's funny seeing the Great Pilot Shinji feel threatened by a
computer. Heh. Being a mega-martial artist has some drawbacks.
Shinji didn't like computers. They tended to either explode,
become completely inert, or erase themselves every time he touched one.
Computers, on the other hand, really hated Shinji.
Side effect of major ki abilities? And, I think that last line might
warrant being a paragraph of its own. It's a bit like a viewpoint switch,
from Shinji to the computer
[_}~`\-/'~{_] Neon Genesis Evangelion: Honor's Duty
^ " ^ Stanza Six: Absolute Kindness
Chapter 6? Gee, I must have missed chapter 5!
....
........
(Pssst! This is your cue to attach a URL to the archive. (:) )
"pssst! Have you heard the rumor?"
In the very back of the class, two girls began to quietly
gossip.
"Eh?! You mean He's the pilot!!"
"He" shouldn't be capped. Were you looking to emphasize it, or
was it a finger error?
Girl A nodded at Kensuuke. "Aida told me. His dad works for them
too, says its name is NERV or something."
I think I see why you start calling them Girl A/B here, but I'm not sure
it works.
"NERV? Isn't that bad grammar?"
"But how could you tell? It's pronounced just like 'Nerve'."
"Duh! This is a *text* fanfic, baka. Read your script."
"I think it's German."
Girl B looked confused. "But.. what're the Germans doing in
Japan? With Giant robots even..?"
"I think it's a UN thing, really.." Girl A shrugged.
Nah, it's a genre requirement. Jung-Freud, the Kanto Army, etc...
"So, you really think He's the pilot?"
Okay, capped "he" again. I take it that's deliberate?
Shinji: "Nah, the girls just think I'm God."
"He could be. Ask him."
Girl B looked incredulously at her friend. "Me? That'd be too
embarrassing!"
Girl A sighed, and began to type. "Fine. I'll ask him."
"On the computer..? Why didn't I think of that?"
"'Cause you're an idiot, silly."
No comment. (:)
Computers really, really hated Shinji.
'Are you the Pilot? Y/N?'
He scowled at the infernal device, it's cheery text message
taunting him, and daunting him at the same time. He looked about the
classroom, seeking the source of the transmission.
Two cute girls in the back of the class waved at him, then one
typed furiously. He looked back to the screen, seeing that she had only
repeated the message again.
'Did you save the city with one of those cool Robots? Y/N?'
Well, she didn't really repeat the first message. You might want to
say, "...she had only expanded on her first message..." Or something like
that.
He gulped nervously, his shaking hand reaching for the 'Y' key.
Noooo! Don't do it, Shinji! You still have so much to live for!
He closed his eyes in apprehension.
*Click*
Nothing happened. He opened his eyes to see a 'Y' in the reply
box. He had finally done it. He had finally, and successfully touched a
computer without anything bad happening. Smugly, he hit the 'Enter' key.
Hah! Take THAT, technology!
His laptop exploded. With a sound akin to a gunshot, the thing
went up in flames, attracting the attention of the entire class.
Umm...can I retract that last statement?
Shinji: "Ehh, at least I'm the center of attention, again. Just like
I should be."
"Mr. Ikari..." Kurasawa-sensei said, adjusting his glasses.
"You've destroyed government property. Go stand in the hall."
Well, that's not very fair. Then again, nothing is, in school.
Grumbling, his right hand blackened, Shinji complied. He really
didn't like computers.
Might want to expand on just how much Shinji's hand is blackened -- is
it just smoke, or was he burned? If he's burned, how bad, and how come he's
not doing anything about it?
Shinji: "Cuz in this fic, *I'm* the badass EVA pilot who's a bad
mother--"
"Woah.. did you see that?!" Girl A whispered in awe after Shinji
slid the door shut.
"Yeah.." Girl B nodded. "That Nerv thing has to have some
serious security to neg his computer before he could say. He's got to be
the pilot. Just gotta."
Aaaand, they jump to the right conclusion for the wrong reasons...
"What's that?" Girl C asked from in front of them. "Ikari's the
pilot?"
"Uun. Seems so. I mean, look at what happened! Let's talk to him
after class." Girl A said excitedly.
Aaaand, it never occurs to them that what happened to the computer might
happen to them too? Naturally...
The room began to buzz with the spread of the news. Kensuuke
adjusted his glasses thoughtfully.
"Zounds! Methink's I've found a way to transmit data faster than light!"
Shinji continued his attack. He was in the men's restroom, a
pair of buckets at his feet waiting to be filled, as he finished
scrubbing his hand free of the black soot. He rinsed it off, then
sniffed.
Ah, just soot on his hand. Good.
"Bleah.. Still smells like acetone! Damn it.." Shoulders
slumped, he tossed the brush he had used back into the sink. "Mou..
Stupid computers."
Heh.
He left after filling the buckets, sloushing back to class, and
settled in next to the door. He had forty minutes to wait until the
lunch bell sounded.
"sloushing" back to class? I think you wanted either "slouching" or
"sloshing," unless you were creating a new word to combine the two.
Ranma: "And what the heck's he doing, just *standing* there? An
Anything-Goes Martial Artist should be turning this into a training
exercise! Errr...that is, if they don't have a Jusenkyo curse...."
Gendou surveyed his domain. It was quiet; and quiet was good. He
looked across the expanse of his desk to the Command Center below,
bustling with activity even in the lull of non-combat. Well, almost
bustling.
Ah, the spider sitting in the center of his web. Now, given how HD has
gone so far, this means that we're do for Gendo to do something funny
just...
Misato grabbed the top of her shirt and fanned herself with it.
"Geeze, I'm hot.. Are you hot?"
...about...
Break time, and Maya was enjoying the free show. "Yeah, a
little.."
...now! Hey, wait -- MAYA?!? I thought she had eye only for Rit-chan!
(Then again, you'd have to be *dead* not to appreciate Misato's...turret
guns.)
"I hate being too hot. Stupid air conditioning, either too damn
cold or not cold enough." She grumbled, continuing to fan herself.
Grammar nit: I *think* that should be "...enough," she grumbled...
The way you have it it technically correct, but if "she grumbled" is
supposed to describe the preceeding verbiage, then it really ought to be
changed.
"You wouldn't think, with all the technology we have in this
place, that it'd be a problem keeping it a pleasant sixty five degrees."
Maya sighed, fanning her face with a hand.
65 degrees? If that's F, it's a bit chilly (IMO), but if it's C then
somebody get these people on ice, STAT! A nice dry 70-75F is usually pretty
nice.
"I know... so much for man's triumph over nature."
You know, that could serve as a tagline for the entire NGE series...
Ritsuko entered as Misato said this, and smiled, shaking her
head. "Grumping again, Captain?"
She nodded. "Hi Ritsuko."
"Good afternoon, Sempai."
Ritsuko nodded to her young prot�g�. "Afternoon, Maya. I take it
nothing's happening."
That should end with a question mark.
"Not a damn thing." Misato said, a faint look of annoyance
crossing her pretty features. "I swear, the waiting kills me! I wish
they'd all just attack and get it over with."
Okay, let's game this out: Angels 4-18, attacking simultaneously, while
Rei is hospitalized, her sister's convalescing, and the only operational
EVAs are both in the body-and-fender shop (IIRC). Yeah, Misato, that's
*loads*
better than your current boredom!
"It's only been six days since the Third Angel attacked. Be
grateful for the reprieve. Next time we might not be so lucky."
Wise words from the resident genius.
"If they take too long, we could get too lax.. then 'next time'
we'll be dead. Who knows? We might mistake one for an ugly parade
balloon or... something." Misato grumbled darkly.
"Ano...why is that parade balloon generating a Blue pattern and AT Field?"
"Parade balloon?" Ritsuko parroted incredulously. "Really
Misato, perhaps it's time for you to take a vacation."
"No!" Misato shouted, then grimaced. "I can't just go off,
leaving the children in the hands of someone even less competent than I.
It wouldn't be fair, not to them; or any of you."
<boggle> Misato, luv, do you *listen* to yourself when you say these
things? Then again, her self-confidence always has been rather brittle...
"you're.. You're right, I'm sorry. It's just that you seem so..
tense."
Mmm...the first word should have been capped, unless Rit started speaking
in a small voice, in which case it really should be mentioned narratively.
Maya looked on in confusion as Misato deflated somewhat. "I.. I
guess I kinda am pretty worked up, arn't I?"
Spelling: "aren't." And the sentence structure is a bit odd -- it almost
seems as if it's Maya speaking.
"Yes. As head medial director of Nerv, I suggest a nice hot
bath, a few beers and a good massage."
"Medial"? Supposed to be "medical," right? And shouldn't that be "NERV"?
Misato adopted the far off look of those lost in pleasurable
fantasy. "Oh... I'd love that.. but where am I going find a good
masseuse in this damn complex?"
Gendo: "Me! ME!"
Shinji: "Forget him! I studied Anything-Goes Seduct-- err, Massage just
for chances -- I mean, *occasions* like this!"
"Ano.."
Both women's attention turned to Maya as she spoke up, causing
the younger woman to blush. "I.. umn, that is.. I trained to be a
massage therapist before getting into computers. I could... if you want,
I mean... I.." Her blush deepened. Then blurred out of the camera's
extreme closeup as she was no longer in frame, Misato having since taken
possession of the young woman's hand and hauling ass towards the exit.
Heh. Interesting play on camera-work style.
Now, Maya, remember where your loyalties lie -- no cheating on Rit-chan
with Misato! (:)
Ritsuko tittered softly to herself, amused at the captain's
actions as always. "So impulsive.. I wonder if she'll ever grow out of
that..?"
Well, if we survive past the end of the series, maybe she'll have a
chance to.
From high above, Gendou began fiddling with the video feed
controls on his desk. "I wonder if.. Ah, yes, here we are, the women's
bath.."
I *wondered* what he was doing all this time!
39 minutes, 40 seconds later, Shinji yawned for the twelfth
time. His right foot was tapping out a staccato beat as he stood,
waiting to be relieved of his bucket holding duties. The bell rang.
The door to his left was immediately thrown aside, disgorging
the classroom's contents in a silent semi-circle around him. He blinked.
"What the..?"
"Ikari!" the class rep shouted, standing in front of him. "Are
you the pilot of the giant robot that saved the city?"
Hikari's timing could not have been worse, for as she asked her
question, Kizuko came out of the classroom, catching his full attention.
Extra blank line here.
"Well, are you or not?"
"Huh?" His attention snapped back to Hikari. "Sorry, what?"
She was faintly annoyed. "Are you the pilot of the robot or
not?!"
Heh. That's Hikari. I can just see her freckles bristling...
"Oh, yeah. One of them, anyway."
Secret identity? WHAT secret identity?
The student body around him broke into a jumble of voices,
I'd tenatively suggest "erupted" instead of "broke."
causing Kizuko to spare him a glance before climbing the stairs to the
roof. "Wow, I just knew it! .. Ikari, you're the best! ... you saved us!
You saved our lives! ... We're so proud of you!! .. Does it have a
special attack? ... How big is that thing, really? ... How were you
chosen? .. Ikari, have my baby!"
<choke!> Okay, this Shinji definitely has a stronger chick-magnet
effect than canon.
Ranma: "Well, he learned from ME, after all."
Akane: "Dream on, hentai-no-baka!" <WHAM!!>
Ranma: "Ite...."
Shinji ignored most of it, setting his buckets down and
motioning for quiet. After a few more shouted complements, the group of
students subdued. "I can't say anything about it."
Spelling: "compliments," not "complements." Same pronunciation,
different meanings.
"What? .. Why not? .. C'mon, Ikari tell us something!! ... Etc."
Shinji motioned for quiet again, and was pleased when he got it.
"I'm sorry. I can't. I like to breathe, and I'm sure you all do too.
Even saying I'm a pilot might be against the rules."
There was a general consensus among them that "This sucks", and
one bespectacled boy stood forward. "At least tell us this much: That
giant, the Angel. What was it? Was it some country's weapon?"
Suggestion: "...consensus, to the effect of "This sucks," and..."
Shinji shrugged. "Dunno, no one's said anything about it to me.
I've only been told that if I don't help destroy them, everyone'll die."
Define "everyone": Everyone in the school, the city, Japan, the
Eastern Hemisphere...? I think that, to warrant the reaction below, he
need to state the consequences a bit more explicitly.
There was an immediate and oppressive silence.
"Everyone?" the boy repeated, swallowing nervously.
"Yeah.. Everyone. So, please understand when I say I don't know
anything, and that I can't tell you what I do know.. If it is some
country's weapon, as you said it might be, and they find out some
weakness in our defenses 'cause I've been at school talkin' 'bout specs
and stuff.. We all go *Boom*." Shinji said somberly, shaking his head.
"So, do me a favor and don't ask about it. Now, excuse me, but I have an
appointment to keep."
He moved through the crowd as if the students really weren't
jam-packed around him, and walked off, offering a wave and a weak 'See
ya later' before disappearing after Kizuko; leaving behind a tangible
feeling of dread.
Suggestion: ...after Kizuko, leaving... I just don't think the
semicolon works there.
Gendou's phone rang. He looked away from the monitor built into
his desk, opening the drawer he kept the non-emergency line in, removing
the headset from its cradle. "Yes?"
Oh, so *that's* where he keeps his phone.
Kizuko. "Ikari-kun has revealed his status as Pilot to the
student body."
Suggestion: "it was Kizuko."
"I see."
"Orders, sir?"
"That boy.." He said softly, then: "Bring him to me."
"Rip the school apart, find those stolen plans, and bring me the
passengers -- I want them ALIVE!"
Gendo as Vader. Scary thought...
"Yes sir."
He replaced the phone and resumed his 'vigil'.
"What about the 8m pulse machine rifle they built for it? Have
you seen that thing yet? I only saw the blue prints, but oh! It was so
cool!!"
8m pulse rifle? Errr...usually, a number like that refers to *caliber.*
A muzzle 8 meters across would be too much, even for an EVA. After all,
even the Iowa-class battleships only carry 16-inch guns. 80mm might work --
that
would be awfully hefty for a automatic rifle, but possible, about in the
same range as the Oto-Melara 76mm (3-inch) gun mounted on FFG-7 class
frigates.
Or maybe something based on the British 4.5-inch gun?
Shinji continued to eat his sandwich, ignoring the bespectacled
boy who had introduced himself as 'Kensuuke Aida, Military Otaku at your
service SIR!'. He had been weirded out at the amount of knowledge
Ohhh, yeah, that's Kensuke.
Kensuuke had about the Evangelion's and their equipment, but shrugged it
off after the boy had explained it was only general knowledge gleaned
from internet sites and not hush-hush secret info from his father in
Nerv R&D.
NERV. And is that true, or has Ken been hacking his father's computer?
*Munch munch chew Gulp* He had gone up to the roof in hopes of
finding Kizuko, but after a through inspection, found her not. He had
"Thorough," not "through."
"Found her not"? My, how...biblical. (:)
gone to the cafeteria instead in hopes of finding food and some quiet
time to think. He found food and a bunch of girls, girls who were
Suggestion: "He had, instead, found..."
practically throwing themselves at him. It was about this time that Aida
stumbled along, and like soap on a greasy pan, the womenfolk fled before
him.
I think I know the simile you're going for, but it's not getting
through here. I'm not sure how to fix it, though...
"I hear they're building a mobile positron cannon for it. I
mean, a positron cannon? Isn't that overkill? Well, considering our
enemies, maybe not, but.."
Note to self: Don't let Ken anywhere NEAR the Anti-5th-Angel gun.
It was peace, of a sort.
"Could you, like, get me in to see them?"
Shinji paused. "'Them'?"
"You know, thos hot chick meha pilots in their skimpy fighting
uniforms. Don't tell me they don't exist -- I've watched Mecha Anime!"
"Yeah! The Evangelion's!"
No apostrophe in Evangelions.
"Ehh..." He pretended to think about it, watching the other boy
get his hopes up. "No."
Kensuuke looked stricken. "But-!"
"Look, Aida; I can't help you."
"But-!"
"You Ikari?"
Shinji turned, ignoring Kensuuke. "Huh? Yeah, That's me." He
said to the tall, rough looking young man in a black jumpsuit.
"Touji? Dude, you like, missed a week of class, man! What's the-
"
"Shut it, Kensuuke." The taller boy said, his eyes never leaving
Shinji. "I hear you're some kinda hot shot pilot, that you're da one who
saved the city."
Hmmm...maybe Touji's dialogue shoule be just a *bit* rougher? Maybe "yer"
instead of "you're," "dat" instead of "that." But that's up to author's
discretion.
"Somethin' like that, yeah." Shinji nodded.
Touji jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "Outside. Now."
Well, that was pretty up-front.
Shinji blinked. He then rose, leaving the remains of his lunch
behind as he followed the angry boy outside. Kensuuke hesitated a
moment, then followed as well.
Used "then" twice close together. Maybe "...a moment before following as
well."
"Excuse me."
The two guys stopped talking, looking to who spoke. They then
took a surprised step backwards. "A-Ayanami?" Guy A said.
Oh, we're getting back to the Girl-A/B/C joke. Okay, I can dig it.
"Do you know the present location of Ikari, Shinji?" Kizuko
asked, looking them over.
Why the comma in Shinji's name?
"He was in the cafeteria, but I think Suzahara challenged him to
a fight or something." Said Guy B.
"...or something," said Guy B.
"Yeah, I think they went behind the Gym, out by the track
field." Guy A supplied.
"...field," Guy A...
"Your assistance is appreciated." She said, turning towards the
Gym.
Should Gym be capped?
They waited a moment before speaking again. "Weird Girl."
Girl should not be capped.
"Yeah. She's always so... stiff. Formal like, you know?"
"Tell me about it. But her sister... Man, that is a babe."
Errr? Don't they look alike? Or have I forgotten something from previous
chapters? Then again, this might just be the guys reacting to the
difference in the sisters' behaviors...
"Oh yeah. Still.. I wonder what she wants with Ikari?"
If these are perverts, this might not be a bad place to put a "Melting
the Ice Queen" joke. Then again, these guys seem too wierded out by Kizuko
to make jokes like that about her.
Guy B shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe another one of them 'Angel' things
are attacking or something."
They both thought on that, then listened for sirens. "Nah."
The lack of earth-shattering kabooms was also a major clue.
Shinji waited for the other boy to speak, leaning on the back
wall of the Gym casually as Touji paced back and forth.
Gym capped again.
"K', Listen." Touji began, turning to look at Shinji with his
arms crossed. "My little Sis got hurt bad in that fight of yours. I
Sis shouldn't be capped, here.
mean, she's still in da hospital even." He kicked a rock, watching it
sail through the air to land a few feet away. "My Dad and Gramps work in
yer lab, so I'm the only one that can go ta see her. It's not the goin'
there that I mind, but... what if she gets some sorta scar? Then she'll
never be a babe. Doncha feel sorry for 'er?"
This works REALLY well, right up until the line about her scarring. It
really makes him seem shallow, unless he's trying to keep up his "tough guy"
image in front of the New Guy. If that's the case, it needs a bit more to
point it out. It's just...well, darn it, Toji's biggest character trait was
his devotion to his sister -- it's what got him into EVA-4 and nearly
killed, in canon.
I guess what it comes down to is, just how bad was she hurt in this
Alt? Even with HD's humorous edge, I can't see Toji obsessing over her
looks if she's comatose, or in danger of being left paraplegic or something...
And Toji's dialogue here is perfect.
"Eh... I dunno." Shinji replied, cleaning his ear with the tip
of his pinky.
And Shinji, even this version, didn't strike me as being this callous.
Then again, maybe he's reacting to Toji's self-righteousness?
Touji blinked. "huh?"
"I mean, think about it:" Shinji said, coming off the wall to
begin pacing himself. "Chicks with scars can be pretty babe-o-licious.
That entire 'Cute chick, weird injury' thing kinda adds to the
mystique... Makes a guy more interested, ya know? Lookit Ayanami, er...
Well, yeah: Both of 'em. First time I met Rei, she was all banged up,
and then Kizuko; well, if you can look past that sheet of ice she hides
behind, she can be pretty cute too."
Well, yeah, but this still seems kinda cavalier -- he hasn't even asked
how bad Toji's sister was hurt.
"Yous gots a point." Touji admitted, stroking his chin.
Okay, if Toji's reacting this way, he can't be very concerned about her.
"Besides, even if I did feel sorry for your lil' sis, -which I
do, mind you-" He amended quickly, "... the best I could do is maybe
pull a few strings and get 'er placed in the Pilot's ward in the HQ
Hospice, but then if she's got some real bad injuries, like if she's
missin' an arm, say, she'd come out with no scars a'tall. An that tends
to raise more questions than the scars would."
Yeah, but wouldn't she be better off with two working arms? This behavior
just isn't working for me, here.
"Yeah? Yeah... Come ta think of it, I seen both Ayanami's in
dere swim suits, and yeah -fer the amount a time dey spend in 'wraps',
they don't got a single blemish on 'em." Touji scowled. "Dat's some
crazy shit, man. Shouldn't be possible, like."
Good point. How *do* they do that?
"You tellin' me? I friggin' put a tourniquet on Rei's bloody
stump, an two days later she's in the hospital and her arm's all there,
not a freakin' mark on 'er. I checked. Got pimp slapped for it too."
What, for checking her *arm*? Now, if it was high on her thight, I'd
understand...
"Man, dat's humiliation."
Shinji shrugged. "Yeah, but I saw 'er in 'er underwear, so I
guess we're about even."
I seem to recall you mentioning, way back when, that this Shinji
*liked* Happosai and got along with him... it shows. Heh heh.
"Sweet." Touji smiled, then held out a hand. "So, I guess we
clear on the situation then, eh?"
"'Bout as clear as it can be, I'm thinkin'." Shinji replied,
taking the offered hand.
"'Course, I still gotta deck you one fer puttin' my sis in da
hospital."
He smiled. "Be warned, I'll return the favor for you callin' me
out."
"Sounds about fair."
*Wham*
Shinji winced around the fist implanted in his cheek. "Man, you
got quite the arm, Touji."
"You related to anyone named Hibiki?"
Likewise, Touji smiled around the fist in his face. "Same ta
you, Shinji."
Okay, now THAT's funny. It's just their cavalier attitude towards
Toji's sister's injuries that jarred me. One way I can think of to make
this work is to make her injuries much less severe in this story, due perhaps
to
this Shinji's greater skills compared to canon. That way, Toji can still
fulfill his brotherly duties to pound Shinji for getting her hospitalized,
but shrug it off as no big deal without seeming like he doesn't care.
Mutually releasing their firm handshake, they both fell
backwards. From where he lay on the ground, Suzahara raised an eyebrow.
"Kensuuke? How long you been dere?"
Ranma: "Oh, the Shame! My student, felled by a mere single punch from
a mere schoolyard tough! Didn't I train you to be stronger than that,
Shinji?"
Maybe Shinji's exaggerating the effects in order to salve Toji's ego?
"Uh... Hi?" Aida offered meekly.
"Stupid, He followed us outta the Cafeteria, remember?" Shinji
muttered from where he was sprawled out.
"He" should not be capped.
"Oh yeah. Look, Kensuuke, you're my friend and all.. but, you
tell anybody 'bout this male bonding shit... I'm gonna haveta kill ya.
Got it?"
BWAHAhAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Okay, that was worth the price of admission.
Kensuuke swallowed hard, backing up a step. "Y-y-yeah. Got it!
Won't tell a soul!"
"Good." Touji said to Shinji's soft laughter.
"Good," Touji said, to the accompanyment of...
They all paused as the sound of hurried footsteps and labored
breathing became audible, and closer. Touji propped himself up as Shinji
looked backwards, all three recognizing the girl as she approached.
"Kizuko? Hey! You weren't on the roof earlier."
Said blue haired, bandaged babe stopped right above Shinji as he
said this, and took a moment to catch her breath. "Ikari, we are wanted
at Command."
Suggestion: "...bandaged, blue-haired babe..." It just scans better,
to me.
Shinji rolled his eyes. "Joy." He said, shaking his head. Kizuko
raised an eyebrow as she looked down at him.
"Joy," he said...
"You do not seem enthused."
"Very observant of you." He grumbled, but brightened. "I must
say, white is definitely your color."
"...you," he grumbled...
Kensuuke and Touji snickered at Shinji, realizing the perfect
vantage point the other boy had. Kizuko merely raised an eyebrow. "
Yep, definitely Happosai's influence.
And Kizuko only speaks a single quote mark? Some missing test, there.
^ " ^
"I don't get it.." Shinji said, as he and Kizuko endured the
long walk from their school to Nerv. "I mean, I tell the teach that I
have stuff to do and they let me go. I could disappear for a week and
they wouldn't think twice about it. Hell, I don't think they'd even care
if I do the make-up assignments they give me, so long as I come back."
NERV. And what makes him think they'd care whether he came back?
"...."
Indeed they were walking, after a few unsuccessful attempts to
contact either of his guardians. Frustrated, he had asked Kizuko how she
normally got to Nerv; and without a word the silent girl had begun the
journey towards HQ on foot.
Hmmm...maybe room for a bit of outrage, here, that they're making Kizuko
walk such distances in her condition. Shinji probably wouldn't mind for
himself.
He took the opportunity to familiarize himself with the city's
skyline, and took note of various convenience stores and such along
their path, all while keeping up a, if not rather one sided,
conversation.
Keeping up a...what? Something missing? And I think you meant it
*was* a rather one-sided conversation.
"I guess that's the real thing behind it, though -that I come
back. I wonder if anyone would miss me if I didn't. Well, Pops, sure,
but anyone here? Misato, maybe; Ritsuko too. And Rei, she might miss me,
since we've been talking every day. I dunno about my Father, though.."
Nice trick, that, Shinji referring to Gendo as "my father," rather
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'