Cool, a new chapter. :-)

As always, just suggestions that you may take or leave.

--On 7/16/02 4:56 PM -0400 Sam Vilsmeier wrote:

All original content is the creation of Samuel Phoenix.
PsyckoSama (syp104@psu.edu)

Wow, three different names on the same story.  There's nothing wrong with
handles/nicknames/pseudonyms, but perhaps just one? :-)

Very long story...

The pink wallpaper, plaster cherubs, and the large, slightly faded print
of Botticelli's "Birth of Venus" were blatantly obvious attempts to

cover

the patently cheap interior.

Using blatantly and patently in the same sentence feels heavy handed to

me.

I suggest removing 'blatantly'.

okay

After about thirty seconds Ranma asked her, "What are you looking for?"

With a shrill cry, Hotaru jumped away. Her hands were sweaty, her heart
was pounding in her chest, he stomach was churning, she was almost

...her stomach...

woops...

paralyzed with dread. What would he think of her once he knew the full
truth? He would reject her. Cast her and their child away like
yesterday's trash. No one in their right mind would *ever* want anything
to do with someone like her.

That doesn't seem to flow terribly well to me.  I suggest something like:

She slowly checked every possible nook and cranny of the room for

recording

devices.

Her hands were sweaty, her heart was pounding in her chest, he stomach was
churning, she was almost paralyzed...(etc)

Suddenly, Ranma, looking over her shoulder, spoke in her ear. "What are

you

looking for?"

With a shrill cry, Hotaru jumped away.

. . . Much better... shall do.

Hotaru felt her knees go weak. There was no way out now, no turning

back.

There was only the horrible truth behind her existence. Would Ranma

reject

her because she was nothing more than the Death Star in a mini-skirt?

"That's no moon, it's a Sailor Senshi!"
Rei whipped around, "Usagi!  I told you to lay off the ice cream!"
:-)

LOL!!!!

Ranma lifted himself from his rather precarious possession on the bed,

and

held his arm out to Hotaru. Accepting his invitation, she grasped his

limb

and he pulled her to her feed. "Hotaru, what was that about?"

possession -> position
feed -> feet

Bloody spellchecker...

As the corona of mystical energy faded, Sailor Saturn. This was the

moment

where her fate would be decided. In a weak, unsure voice, she said,
"Ranma, I'm a Sailor Senshi"

I would expect her to say "I am Sailor Saturn, one of the Sailor Senshi,"
or something like that rather than just "a Sailor Senshi."

That was a bit of a FUBAR. ^_^;

Getting the point, Ranma did as well. When he felt blood, he quickly

wiped

it clear. "Sorry bout Hotaru, it's just that that transformation is

just,

well, kinda erotic, and that costume is so... sexy."

...'bout that Hotaru...

woops...

Hotaru shook her head. She looked him in the eyes, her heart pounding

and

her knees weak. "I. I'm not just a. I'm not just a Magic Girl." Tears

If she's trailing off you want "..." and if she's breaking off you want

"-"

or "--".

"I...  I'm not just a...  I'm not just..."

blame the spellchecker... ^_^;

"I am weapon, Ranma. I could destroy the world if I wanted to. That was
why Sailor Saturn was created, to be a kind of twisted Mutually Assured
Destruction tool. I could end all life on Earth."

"I am a weapon..."

IMHO, it would be more menacing with Hotaru speaking in present tense.  "I
can destroy the world if I want to.  ... I can end all life on Earth."

Ah... good point...

Ranma sighed, and shook his head. "No you're not. You're not a weapon,

our

just Hotaru."

our -> you're

yeah...

"But..."

Ranma did not allow Hotaru to continue her sentence. "No buts, even if

ya

turn into... what every ya turn into, you're still you. It doesn't

matter

one bit."

If you like "ya" for "you" how about "yer" for "you're" sometimes?

Good point...

"Sailor Saturn... That makes ya a Sailor Senshi, right?" asked Ranma.

With this, I'd definitely change her earlier announcement to just "I am
Sailor Saturn."

And that's why it was a Fubar ^_^

her to a live time of loneness. She clamped her eyes closed and tensed

up,

trying to prepare herself best she could for the crippling emotional

blow.

Dang, she sure rides the roller coaster, doesn't she?

Yes. She is so used to being thrown out like yesterdays garbage (by
non-senshi), that she expects it.

Hotaru almost lost her footing at the glaive slipped, and after taking a
moment to regain her footing, she gawked at her lover. "Ranma?"

Feels a bit awkward.  Perhaps:

Hotaru almost fell over and the Glaive slipped from her hand, soundlessly
bisecting the bed side table.  She gawked at her lover.

LOL.... I like that....

Hotaru blinked. Old News? Was he serious? "What the hell do you mean by
that?"

Yeah, that's what I want to know! :-)

That, is a Secret!

Akane, be now he was not sure. He knew he loved Ucchan, or at least used
to, but that was as a friend and sibling.

I'd move this paragraph ("Of course, he didn't") up above so it comes

right

after "...don't really know what love is in the first place," so he's not
bouncing from love to exploding weddings and back to love.

ok

The blow sent a powerful tremor through the mattress. Next to him Hotaru
stirred, awoken by the impact.

"Powerful tremor"?  "Impact"?  Pluh-lease!  He's just hitting the

mattress.

:-)

This is the same guy who bitch smacks Mailboxes... that blow had the power
of a hyperactive 7 yearold jumping on the bed.

Slowly, she turned over, still wearing elements of her Senshi uniform.

She

slowly opened her eyes, and smiled when she saw him next to her. Through

a

suppressed yawn, she said, "Hi."

Hotaru, the Senshi of Silence and Slow-Motion! :-)

LOL

Akane's was cute, but she didn't hold a candle to Hotaru. She looked

even

cuter, especially with that Senshi tiara on. It made her look like some
kind of princess.

I suggest "She looked even cuter with that Senshi tiara on."

That sounds better....

"It... it's a long story Hotaru, and I'll explain it all later." Ranma
sighed and continued, "I said I like ya... and I'm gonna prove it."

Comma before Hotaru.

I'm sensing a theme here.  Doesn't he know any short stories? :-)

not especially...

Hotaru's blood froze in her veins, and a big blank smiled made it's way

to

her face. "Hi... Papa!"

Haruka I assume?  May I suggest making it an explicit "Haruka-papa" in

case

some readers (like me!) keep half-expecting Dr. Tomoe to make an

appearance?

I'm considering it, but he would not have gone "oh, shit" if it was...

I'm still enjoying it.  And it looks to me like your writing is improving
with practice. :-) I look forward to the next chapter.

Thank you.

- Sama


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